What is your definition of a spoilt child?

[lalaland3008]

Is there really such a thing, how does a child become spoilt?

I'd agree Nun. I'm there to parent my kids, not be their best mate. They'll make their own friends and I make mine and that's how I intend to keep it. Saying that, the DC's know they can come to me if they need to, or talk to someone else they trust.

All in all, I'm there to parent and set the boundries so my kids integrate into society effectively.

I didn't feel the need for parenting books. I did it using the most fundamental basic thing of all.....instinct. Served me well it has and it evolves and develops just as each and every person does.

I have no instinct. But I read exceedingly well and know which parts of which books are parenting gold and which parts are complete bollocks.

Can I add the children who I believe have been spoilt or exhibit spoiled behaviour are the ones who actively at the top of their voices moan and complain about other children but often themselves are sneaky with misbehaviour and deny flatly they have done anything wrong and try and defer a rollcking my massive dramatic overreactions.

But like I added above some children are just dramatic, whingy etc despite them having good parents!

A child that doesn't appreciate the little sensual pleasures or changes anymore, who can't be enthralled by making crafty things or being in a seventh heaven of delight after playing with a garden hose in the sun. They are spoiled in the literal sense of the word because you usually can't get back from a blasé vantage point. A kid who makes fun of another kid for enjoying simple/childish things. It's very sad, they've lost something.

I'm not going to say- a child who doesn't realise how lucky they are, because what child does? How would they get that kind of perspective to the extent you'd expect, unless they'd been in less than savoury situations? They have a lot of time to learn that, although it'd be better if they were brought up with few distractions/toys/whatever in the first place.

I think this

A child that is numb to generosity because they always get what they want

is very perceptive.

Oh, also a child who relies on the benefits of being a child and growing up in a childcentric world- i.e. being manipulative. Doesn't have to be sophisticated. A child who always expects options and a separate rule for kids, separate rule for adults. Nothing really wrong with attention seeking, but when you start to make people aware of the fact....that's spoilt IMO.

apparently BIL as a small child used to object to sitting in the back of the car, so he was allowed to go in the front of his Dad's car when they moved house whilst his mother drove with Dh in the back.

that's spoilt. totally caving every time.

My ds is spoilt. But everyone loves him! He has had a lot of time and attention as he is the only one and I suppose he has had most things even if they are second hand or we have made him 'wait' to make a point. I say no all the time but mostly he does have a pretty easy ride. I think some of his mates are much more demanding and rude than him. A brat is a brat regardless of how much stuff they get

I have to agree with no mates with the children thing i dont see the point i am not my daughters friend they have friends im their mum I have and i have seen mums of DDs friends being well friends with them it doesnt sit right with me , DD2 is 14 and her friends mum is having a really hard time at the moment with her own DD preferring going out for pizza or the cinema without her ,

I am unsure about the comment regarding little girl of 9 with her own iPad being regarded as spoilt. My dc are 6 and 3 and have one each. They are unbelievable sources of information. My little girl has skills beyond her years, the educational apps are fab. We restrict their time on them but wow they get so much from them. I don't use them as electronic babysitters btw and I am a part time teacher. Spoilt children aren't always the children with gadgets and money spent on them all the time. Just my opinion :)

My DH, DN
At 3 when I asked her to share with my DC's she said 'I dont share'.
At 7 she told me 'my daddy gets me whatever I want, I just have to ask' - when I questioned this she realed off a whole lot of stuff that she asked for and got, ipod, her 3rd DS in her 7yrs, designer clothes the list was endless.
The funny thing is, I actually feel sorry for her, because when she stops showing off she is a really lovely kid, I just think she is lonley. She has a DB but he is 8yrs older.

I am a teacher too. My dc also love using the iPad but it is my ipad that i use for work as well as surfing the web/email etc. I certainly wouldn't give them a piece of £400 equipment each because it has some educational apps on it. Personally I don't think they need to own one each at this age (mine are 7 and 9yrs)

Actually I agree with so many of the posters on this thread who say material possessions isn't the key, it is the behaviour that comes with it, the demanding and lack of realisation of privilege etc.

I do however think that parents are raising the bar too high too soon with the things they give their children and in the Dudley Dursley (32 birthday presents) sense of the word there are a lot of children who are spoilt out there.

Aren't the key not isn't (tsk, red pen on own post)

DD1 has a friend who has gone to Florida every year for six weeks during the school holidays. She announced the last time she was up for dinner that she doesn't consider anything under two weeks a holiday. She also doesn't like sightseeing- only wants to lie on a beach- and won't go to Europe because it's too much hassle to not have English spoken.

She also has to go out clubbing every week or else she 'gets depressed.' This has cost her 3 jobs and a failed uni year.

She is completely spoilt. Her mum simply never says no to her.

My mates used to spend around £500 at Christmas on each of her kids she has four got in some really bad debt with shoppateck

Her kids all have I phones even the youngest who is 6 and they have a lap top each with a dongle her oldest son has parad espridrils

The sad thing is her kids have never been swimming, nor left England her 6 and 10 have never been to the cinema and have no books in their house and they think my son is the porper

And the most shocking thing is their are loads of kids up and down the uk just the same

It's definitely not about stuff. A good friend's dd is 9, and has all the latest gadgets, fabulous designer clothes, umpteen pairs of shoes etc. I am sometimes at what she has, and my dd is but she is the politest, kindest, humblest and most generous child you could ever want to know. She is lucky, yes, but not spoilt.

And we are very grateful for the hand-me-downs

it really isn't about "stuff" or wealth but good, old fashioned parenting

I totally agree with many descriptions on this thread.

I know 2 families with what I would call spoilt children, both spoil their DCs in different ways but have equally bratty children.

Family one is a woman who is a single mum with 3 children; the eldest is 13, middle one is 10, youngest is 5. All of the children are very overweight as she never says no to them and they are allowed to eat what they like, when they like. I have known the eldest to eat a whole frozen gateau to herself when we've been round their house and then eat 2 or 3 packets of crisps. This was after a meal. They are not disciplined at all and are rude and obnoxious, never uttering please or thank you or using any other even very basic manners. When she has been round our house her 5 year old totally trashed my 2 DDs bedrooms, to the point that I would actually describe it as vandalism; furniture moved, duvet covers drawn on with felt pen, writing on the walls, DD2's hair accessory basket tipped out and hidden around the room, clothes pulled out of wardrobes, I could go on for hours. The 5 year old refuses to ever have her hair brushed or combed and as a result has hair like Russell Brand and is crawling with nits. They are constantly rude to the mum and she just ignores it or says 'oh you're such a sausage'. She describes them as 'wilful' and 'very determined'

Family two is a family with older parents and one DD, who is 8. Said 8 year old is very very spoilt materially to the point where she doesn't appreciate a thing that is bought or done for her. You can almost see in her face on my friend's FB photos that this girl doesn't appreciate a thing and is thinking 'What am I getting next?'. She has hundreds of presents at Xmas and birthdays, lots of holidays, lots of outings, and does lots of activities, basically she is never told 'no you can't have/do that' and consequently she doesn't appreciate or understand the value of anything. She won't share with other children and does an awful squealing noise if she can't have her own way, such as when she is out of a game at a party. We went out one evening with this family and they took their ipad with them for their DD to watch a film. My 8 year old of course wanted to watch it too, but their DD kept holding it up against her tummy with the screen facing inwards, and in the end the mum took it off the as her DD 'didn't want to share and wanted to watch the film by herself at home later'. If she was my DD I would have let my DD watch it and refused to let her watch it herself at that kind of behaviour but her mum didn't seem to think there was anything wrong in how she behaved.

Needless to say I give both these families a very wide berth

One who has never been taught right from wrong, who has never heard 'no', who is constantly rewarded regardless of how bad their behaviour is (often even because of the bad behaviour because the parents want to make them feel better), who is never made to take responsiblity, whose parents buy their way out of trouble or cover up for them when they get into trouble outside the home and who may never develop empathy because their parents raised them to think only of themselves and have no regard for others.

Well I like parenting books. I suppose I was quite unsure of myself and how I wanted to parent when I first became a mum. The books helped me find my parenting instinct, which parts I agreed and disagreed with, and what I wanted to change from my own upbringing.

I did read Unconditional Parenting, mainly out of desperation with a DS who didn't respond to consequences the way you expect children to. I have definitely taken on parts of it, but I wouldn't say I'm a UP parent. In the end I believe the parent(s) should be in charge over the big things like small dcs' bedtimes, food they have access to, how they treat others etc.

I have 2 dds who are what I expected from having children - they play up at times, whine occasionally, had some tantrums when younger and need pulling up on behaviour at times with an appropriate consquence if necessary. But mainly they want to do the right thing. Then there is DS. He wants to run the world and doesn't care if Mummy is happy with his behaviour or not. He is prepared to fight me on everything (I have learnt how to avoid this a lot) and the threat of a consequence makes very little difference. He also has very poor control over his temper, so you might well see him melting down over something in public (not so much anymore, thank goodness).

I really hope people don't think he's spoilt. If you look beyond the meltdown you would see me trying very hard to deal with his behaviour.

My middle DS is like that, but also very kind and caring at times. But when he doesn't get his way all hell breaks loose. We have literally had 2 hour meltdowns with kicking and screaming. Luckily I am more stubborn than he is and I don't give in. In the end there are hugs and I tell him I love him, but don't budge on the thing that caused the meltdown. That's why it's so important to pick your battles and give a little sometime!

for me spoilt comes down to a sense of entitlment

It doesn't really make sense, but I often base it on the parent's reaction to the child's behavior.

DS is extremely strong willed, always has been. Even the pediatrician would remark on what a determined little thing he was, when he was only months old. He knows that no means no and he is not spoiled, but he will scream or argue incessantly when he doesn't get his way. I have no idea where he gets it from Not always of course, but if he feels very strongly about it. He'll be 5 in July.

If we're out and he does this he is told to stop or we will leave (and we do follow through if necessary), if we're at home he is sent to his room and ignored until he's calmed down.

So I guess he acts like a spoiled brat sometimes, but I really don't think he is. Hopefully I'm not delusional!