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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be incensed by this pregnancy announcement on FB?

348 replies

CCsgirl · 20/05/2012 14:37

Acquaintance on FB has just announced that she is " gunna be a mammy for the first time!!!!". She was with the father for 2 weeks and he is now in jail. She says as far as she is concerned her baby "dusnt av a daddy". She has been in her job for 4 weeks. 37 congratulations on her status so far. AIBU to be totally incensed that this is seen as acceptable and something to be congratulated?

OP posts:
bogeyface · 21/05/2012 17:24

It is no wonder social services are at breaking point and so many children are taken into care.

Oh nice! So now the baby will end up in care will it? The OP hasnt suggested (yet!) that the girl is a drug user, an alcoholic, homeless or in a severely abusive relationship. There is no reason to believe she will abuse or neglect her child, and yet because she is pg accidentally by a prolonged one night stand (and she wouldnt be the first to do that!) who is now in prison, she will obviously come to the notice of SS!

bogeyface · 21/05/2012 17:25

Oh and does she not get any points for knowing who the father is? Or does that just mean that she hasnt committed to cause?

curiositykitten · 21/05/2012 17:36

I fell pregnant at 20. I had been with my boyfriend for about 10 weeks when we found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. We went on to get married and have two children together.
Yes, eight years down the line we're divorced and he's a cock-monkey but it wasn't the disaster that people like YOU assume it would be.

kelly2525 · 21/05/2012 19:48

I'm 37, my accident is 16m old, like someone else said, this forum has lots of women who have had accidents, some of them, like me, are even older than you are OP

AKissIsNotAContract · 21/05/2012 20:24

Britta: your post made me cry, I don't understand how people can be so nasty. Well done to you for rising above it and proving them wrong.

Dominodonkey · 21/05/2012 21:05

I think you are giving the OP a really hard time here. I do think her use of the word incensed was rather OTT (and the slightly snobbish examples of the text speak) but I genuinely believe that most posters on here would be rather cat's bum face at the situation were they told about it.

All of the examples that people have given as being similar seem quite different to me. All consist of relationships at least 6 times longer than the Op's 'friend' and her 'partner'. Why is the OP wrong to suggest that getting pregnant by a convicted criminal outside a committed relationship with no means of support should not be met with a massive cheer of congratulations and celebration?

BrittaPerry · 21/05/2012 21:18

What is the OP hoping to achieve by "shaming" the woman? Time travel?

BrittaPerry · 21/05/2012 21:22

And, actually, my story said that I was with DH for 2 weeks before I got pregnant. He isn't a criminal, but he was married at the time - some people would say that is worse. It was an extended one night stand at the time, you don't tend to "vet" people for those. I admit it is probably wise, but you know what? Sometimes people do daft things. This woman is having to live with that now - why does OP feel the need to shun the pregnant woman? Not only shun her, but feels that everyone else should?

OhdearNigel · 21/05/2012 21:25

what do you expect people to say ? "Have an abortion you criminal loving, free loading benefit grabbing whore " ?

Even if that's what people think it's not exactly what you put on FB is it ?

WasabiTillyMinto · 21/05/2012 21:25

i thought it was odd that noone wanted to know what the father was in prison for.

PickledFanjoCat · 21/05/2012 21:41

Why is the OP wrong to suggest that getting pregnant by a convicted criminal outside a committed relationship with no means of support should not be met with a massive cheer of congratulations and celebration?

Because most people would be supportive, particularly as she must be having a very hard time.

monkeymoma · 21/05/2012 21:42

because its DONE! and now there's a child, and they both need support!

OrmIrian · 21/05/2012 21:46

Well what should people have said?

'Shame on you, you worthless hussy!' ?

And how would that have improved things?

WasabiTillyMinto · 21/05/2012 21:51

gosh i think there is quite a few leaps going on here... DP's SS had a child with a cocaine dealer when he was in prison & her DM & DSF were great but only because they had no choice. they were fucking gutted she had been so stupid. & so embarrassed, even though we all supported them & her & i dont think anyone said anything critical.

if he hadnt got caught he would still have been dealing drugs. a lot. what sort of environment is that for a child?

yes of course her family did the right thing but it was very far from ok for them.

PickledFanjoCat · 21/05/2012 22:07

I dont get your point though Wasabi?

What good would it have been if all your SS had put on Facebook

"Im having a baby, not ideal but I am happy about it"

And got a stony silence or insults? I mean what would it achieve?

Its not an ideal situation no, but there is no evidence this lady like many others can make the best of it and make a good life for herself & a baby.

WasabiTillyMinto · 21/05/2012 22:14

Pickled, the OP should either ignore her (they arent close & might not comment in any circumstances) or say something positive.

however, i found it very odd no one considered (1) what crime had the father done? drugs? violence? etc? (2) what would have been the child's circumstances if he hadnt gone to prison?

you are right it is not an ideal situation.

WasabiTillyMinto · 21/05/2012 22:17

actually what will happen when he gets out of prison?

(DPs family despirately hope SS will find someone else on the next few yrs before the DP is out)

PickledFanjoCat · 21/05/2012 22:18

But the OP was complaining mostly that 37 people had said congratulations, thats probably support from her family and friends.

And the she made it seem like the father would not be involved which is why I think no one asked.

But the point is no one is saying encourage her to get pregnant, rather she is pregnant, and be supportive.

WasabiTillyMinto · 21/05/2012 22:25

i dont think the OP thought it through. you obviously say 'the right thing' if its your family, mainly because you want to make it as easy as possible for her family who have no say & have to change their lives to help out.

PickledFanjoCat · 21/05/2012 22:34

I hope so, because it just came across nastily.

We just don't know about this situation, and that's the thing.

inabeautifulplace · 21/05/2012 22:49

Something similar happened to an acquaintance recently. I only know because my wife asked if we could give her all the baby stuff from the loft because she was going to need all the help she could get. I am happy to assist in any way i can, because I am capable of empathy. I genuinely feel sorry for the OP if she is not, that must be horrible.

HillyWallaby · 22/05/2012 07:26

I remember years ago when my boyfriends sister got PG. She was 19 or 20, the same age as me, newly engaged to a bloke she'd been with for about a years, but no home of their own and unstable, low paid employment.

My PILs told me she was PG and my immediate reaction was to go Shock 'Oh My God! Oh No! What on earth did you say to that?'

They looked at me like HmmConfused 'We said "Congratulations!" What else is there to say?'

To me it was the worst thing that could possibly have happened at that point in my life. It just would not have fitted with any of the plans I had about How Things Should Be when I eventually had a child.

To them it was just something that happens and you get on with it, and there were no plans about how things should be when you have a child.

arthurfowlersallotment · 22/05/2012 11:44

Having a baby is really hard when, like me, you are in a committed relationship, have a career and moral support.

The woman needs people to support her. To criticise her for being pregnant is ridiculous because it won't change anything. Nor should it. Her circumstances are far from ideal and unfortunately she may feel that quite keenly when the baby is here.

A baby is always precious and a beautiful thing to happen. I think criticising this anonymous woman on MN goes against the ethos of MN AND I find generally really cowardly and distasteful.

If the OP does have a spine she should add her thoughts on this pregnancy to the woman's Facebook page and see what everyone else thinks. This is just self gratifying nonsense at the expense of a vulnerable woman.

I hope when the OP has her own LO she will feel embarassed at this whole thing.

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 22/05/2012 12:03

I was really stupid and fell pregnant to a waste of space who was meant to be just a fling.

I wasn't going to have a termination as I simply cannot go through that process.

It was really bloody tough, I have lifelong health problems and they get worse in pregnancy. I only had my mum for support. I had a difficult baby and I have been left to it by her "dad".

But I did it and I was happy, I have the most beautiful girl in the world.

A lot of people reacted with derision and were very judgemental about it. There were suggestions of me being unfit to be a mum, that I should have my children removed from me. Very hurtful things!

Fully accept that getting into the situation in the first place was silly, but I am not going to dwell on that. I was determined to be a good mum and take it as an opportunity to add something wonderful in my life.

It actually made me recognise some of the negative behaviours that led to the situation in the first place, and made me take control of my life and change essentially as a person. I have done some really positive things since making the announcement and everything following.

I think instead of judging this lady, having already set her up to fail in your own mind, that you should perhaps view it as an opportunity for her to make something of it. Supporting people is always better than dragging them down with words and doubts and judgement.

Or at the very least, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And use the block or hide function if it so upsets you.

arthurfowlersallotment · 22/05/2012 12:34

Rabbits- brilliant post.