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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be incensed by this pregnancy announcement on FB?

348 replies

CCsgirl · 20/05/2012 14:37

Acquaintance on FB has just announced that she is " gunna be a mammy for the first time!!!!". She was with the father for 2 weeks and he is now in jail. She says as far as she is concerned her baby "dusnt av a daddy". She has been in her job for 4 weeks. 37 congratulations on her status so far. AIBU to be totally incensed that this is seen as acceptable and something to be congratulated?

OP posts:
Margerykemp · 20/05/2012 19:48

Are you Carole Malone?

perplexedpirate · 20/05/2012 19:50

Motives for what? Not being a cats-bum-face judgey pants?
Empathising with a young woman in a difficult situation?
Not unfriending people on facebook because they get pregnant?
Thinking that actually, as long as a child is loved and provided for, they generally turn out to have a good life, regardless of the number of parents?

Paiviaso · 20/05/2012 19:53

Perplexed, the "dusnt av a daddy" was what made me question her intelligence.

And no, I don't know what kind of life this baby will have. But there are indicators on which one can make a guess...

Offred · 20/05/2012 19:59

paivaiso - with respect the op has said she isn't concerned about the environment the baby will enter. She hasn't been told by MN that she can't find the situation unacceptable either. She can, and I can see why she doesn't and why others wouldn't, even though I don't find it unacceptable myself. What I have said is that she can't expect to impose her moral code as "the right moral code" also that actually she doesn't have to like or see people that have morals/circs/make choices she cannot accept. What I objected to was that the OP's question was not "AIBU to find this unacceptable" but "AIBU to be totally incensed that this is seen as unacceptable and something to be congratulated" because the girl had received congratulations on her pg announcement.

Congratulating someone on a pg they are pleased about says nothing at all about whether others would be pleased or find the circs acceptable or ideal. I am not comfortable with the idea that other people would be unacceptable to society because of how they have behaved/the choices they have made/what their circs are. We can't tell whether it is even seen as acceptable and I don't think it is appropriate that other people get to dictate what is acceptable in this context where stability has been demonstrated to be what is important and actually a committed relationship does not always confer this and vice versa. Also where actually the idea of children and "committed relationships" and nuclear families are just fashions really. People are entirely free to decide what they think will achieve the optimum outcome for their lives but equally I think they should all be entitled to support that they need to achieve optimum outcomes for their children immaterial of their choices or circs and not be written off because of moral issues.

Offred · 20/05/2012 20:03

gah but I do wish we could stop attacking the OP! I've been in difficult situations and relationships, conceived two children in difficult situations and I can understand how personally this thread cuts but I don't think it is black and white as a situation...

Mih, maybe I've been hanging around on relationships too much! Grin

laurenamium · 20/05/2012 20:03

offred is my new hero- absolutely everything she says!

laurenamium · 20/05/2012 20:04

Or he Blush

laurenamium · 20/05/2012 20:04

Conceived....she BlushBlush I'll shut up!

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/05/2012 20:06

I'm amazed so many people on Mumsnet are acting as if this is completely acceptable.

What exactly did the woman do wrong though?

Had a sex life? Should we as women only have regular sex if we are married and financially stable?

Got pregnant by mistake? Because lets face it, If you are having regular sex then there is always a possibility that it will result in pregnancy. Even if it's a small one.

Not had an abortion? Well, That speaks for itself really. That's her choice.

Posted it on FB? It's her Facebook, She can post what she likes.

It seems she is taking responsibility for herself and her child. OP said she has a job and a loving family so a good support network.

It's not ideal (what is?) but it's not exactly the worst situation either, Is it?

Offred · 20/05/2012 20:07

ha ha! laurenamium! I am indeed female! Grin

Is it Wine o' clock yet? Grin

laurenamium · 20/05/2012 20:09

I wish Envy work tomorrow!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 20/05/2012 20:09

How and why were you ever her friend (even if only on Facebook)?

FreudianSlipper · 20/05/2012 20:15

why even if only on fb be friends with someone you obvioulsy feel is not worthy of your time, is it to make you feel better about yourself

do you watch jeremy kyle to boost your self importance confidence too

AyeRobot · 20/05/2012 20:21

CCsgirl, maybe the messages from society are wrong. Such as, waiting until you're financial, emotionally and practically settled before you start a family, when actually it isn't the best thing from a fertility pov.(sorry to bring it up again) My Mum was 24 when I was born, married since 21 and they were as poor as church mice when I came along (planned). Standards and costs of living have changed, expectations have changed. No-one would think that trawling the beach for driftwood because that's the only way to heat a house with a new baby in it would be sensible these days, but that was the way it was. Ice on the inside of bedroom windows and all that.

I know you think it's unfair. And in a way it is. You (and lots of us women in similar situations) have been sold a load of nonsense on this front, imvho. But what your (ex) friend is doing has no bearing on what you are doing and will do. Maybe it's time to take the plunge and move onto the next stage of your life?

my2centsis · 21/05/2012 02:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CCsgirl · 21/05/2012 03:12

Really??!! You would rather your daughter got pregnant to a criminal she knew 2 weeks than was someone who was intelligent enough to see that it is far, far from ideal for a child? What utter rubbish!

OP posts:
SodoffBaldrick · 21/05/2012 03:25

CCsgirl, you might be 'intelligent' enough to see that this is not an ideal situation for a baby to be brought into, but you seem to be lacking in a lot of other very desirable qualities.

Look, I agree with you to a certain extent. For me, personally, having children in wedlock after I'd graduated from university, experienced a little bit of life, had met the right man, settled down and was well and truly financially solvent was the only way to do it. This is right for me.

However I wouldn't deign to suggest that this is the only right and acceptable way to do it, and that anyone who doesn't live up to my arbitrary set of values is somehow lacking or a failure.

You lay claim to intelligence, but as I say, not to many other qualities which are equally, if not more important. Tolerance. Acceptance. A lack of judgement. Empathy. Someone who extends the hand of friendship or support.

I understand what my2centsis is alluding to. I'd rather be friends with someone who was open-minded and friendly and accepting, than with the sort of person you've painted yourself as on this thread - disapproving, righteous, judgemental. You come across as unhappy - many people who have to big themselves up and sit in superiority on others often are. People who genuinely live and let live are generally happier in themselves.

CCsgirl · 21/05/2012 04:03

I am happy, and I am also warm, caring and supportive. But, I find it hard to extend those qualities to this woman for all the reasons I have outlined. Posters on this thread far brighter than me have helped me see that I am perhaps projecting some of my own frustrations about having waited so bloody long to have a baby onto this young woman. But I stand by what I have said. I strongly disagree that being open minded, friendly and accepting in these circumstances is a positive thing.

OP posts:
HillyWallaby · 21/05/2012 04:13

'You would hate the status updates on my Facebook OP.
One girl had her DD when she was 16 and is pregnant with her 2nd at 18, with a different father.

FWIW she is a brilliant mum.'

What do you mean by brilliant? Good with the baby? Oh, anyone can do that. That is the easy bit.

CheerfulYank · 21/05/2012 04:44

I have a friend who gave birth to her DD at 19. The father of her DD assaulted her and she had him tossed in jail. He played no part in his daughter's life until she was three, except for financial support (which my friend has to continually force him to do in court.)

Now the friend is 24 and pregnant again. This father freaked out, tried to bully her into having abortion by threatening to kill himself among other things. He hasn't told his parents and is completely refusing to acknowledge that he is going to be a father in October.

But my friend has just shrugged, held her head high, acknowledged her crap taste in men, and gotten on with it. She bought her own house last year through sheer guts and four years of penny-pinching so her daughter could have a yard. She works full time and takes night and online classes. She's young and has a gutter mouth and more tattoos than I can count, but she works her ass off to make things right for her daughter and soon-to-be baby. She adores her DD and is very good with her.

In my work in childcare I've known my share of rich, older parents who looked upon their children as nuisances. Just sayin'.

CCsgirl · 21/05/2012 04:49

Cheerful yank- your friends actions are admirable, I know I couldn't have done what she has. But I would bet everything I own that this woman will never return to work ( now signed off with PEP I don't know what that is) and will almost certainly live the majority of her life on benefits

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 21/05/2012 05:50

I'm told accidents happen, I'm 34 years old and it has never happened to me?

Well at the grand old age of 34, it happened to me. So I would watch out if I were you! Plenty of time to go yet, op!

NenNen · 21/05/2012 06:15

OP I have only read half of the thread as, having been a single teenage parent, your attitude wound me up somewhat. I'd just like to say that you sound like a total bitch. It might never have happened to you- good for you! My aunt used to say things like that and it turned put she was infertile so maybe start worrying more about yourself and less about how other people choose to live their lives.

CCsgirl · 21/05/2012 06:22

You should have read the whole thread Nen Nen before commenting- did your aunt not teach you that??

OP posts:
my2centsis · 21/05/2012 06:57

Sod off I couldn't of put it better myself!

Op you come off with the attitude the you are better then her because Shes having a baby at 20?

Do you think she woke up one morning and said I'm going to go get pregnant today with a guy who will end up in jail in two weeks?

She seems to be trying to make the best out of a shitty situation and ur siting there with your cat bum face judging her! What makes u think that is ok?

I would be very disappointed in my daughter if she ever acted the way you have on this thread