AIBU to think that breastfeeding mums of older toddlers

[helloclitty]

should stick to their principles and ideas and do whatever they think is right. However, I don't think it's particularly healthy to tell their children to keep it a secret.

I just read an article where the women had their own reasons to still be breast feeding after 2, however, one said she only fed the younger one in public and the older one was told it was something just between them and not for public. Another bilingual child was told to ask for feed in their non English language so that people wouldn't understand what he said.

I understand why they might do this but I can't think it's particularly good to ask young children to keep secrets like this and wondered whether they should be bolder with their choice rather than secretive.

Seems a bit sad that they feel sufficiently bullied by society that they wish to keep extended breastfeeding a secret...

You may have a point, but as someone who couldn't get BF established herself I really don't know.

I really don't know either and I am not judging in any way. I just think it sends the wrong message to the child to keep it secret. I can't think of anything my DC's have ever had to keep secret from public.

I can see why they would but I think it's pretty crap

My mum tried to tell me to keep the fact I was adopted a secret as she was scared I would get bullied. I didn't and it was fine!

Not sure if bf would be fine though and that's sad.

Yes, they should stick to their principles and do what they think is right, as you say, but this may involve not being brave enough to bf a toddler in public, given the perceptions of some people. So it's entirely reasonable and understandable that they might want to keep it private. Also 'foreign language' child isn't lying, is he?

YABU. They are doing what's best for them and their child. Good on them.

Not again - you try being the breast feeding mum of a 2 year old, constantly criticised.

If you don't like it - try Changing the anti long term bf culture in this country instead of judging the mum.

YaNbu and I bfeed my ds2 till 3y10m and it was absolutely right for him.

Look at the criticism the mum in the recent Time article got for exposing for son to ridicule by bfing him in the photo! Lots of people criticise mothers for bfing older children in public and argue that it should be something done in private/at home.

How can someone change an entire culture what if people are in hiding?

You change the culture by standing up and saying 'yes I am extended bf. so suck it!' (literally)

They should arrange extend bf events up and down the country. I don't see how people can hope for change and do nothing

I am not judging the mum for breastfeeding, I am asking if the secretive nature that is imposed by society can possibly be good for the child.

The child speaking in a foreign language is not lying, that was never my point, it is the fact he was told to change to his non English language when asking to be breast fed. A 3 year old would very well know that this was so people couldn't understand and therefore he might very well perceive it to be a secret.

I am just not sure children keeping secrets from society is a good thing

YANBU I think it is a TERRIBLE idea to teach children that it is okay for adults to tell them to keep secrets for them! if anyone comes along and wants to groom them that's half their work done!

we teach DS that surprizes are nice (like presents), because you can tell the adults, just not for a few days, but good adults do NOT tell children to keep secrets about them/their relationship from other adults.

You can't tell them that all adults are bad, but you can give them the tools and confidence to see red flags and report them to other adults. Teaching them that trust worthy adults normally tell children to keep secrets, particularly about body parts, from other adults is WRONG

My only problem with te times article was the headline 'are you MOM enough?'

Making the ff mums feel like lesser mothers. It was just a very shit and controversial piece that helped nobody!

Just re read op and not sure now. Ds only had at home because that's how it was. Wasn't about keeping secret. It was before sleep so therefore in bed. So YABU in that dictating that shouldn't be done in private, as not for you to decide for mum and nursling. YaNbu in that it's nothing to be ashamed of

The anti extended bf opinion in this country is phoenomenal. I bf dd to 3 and ds is still going at 2.5. People are generally horrified by extended bf in real life and I have known a social services referral for a mum bf her 3 year old by my Gp colleagues.
I can totally see why people keep it a secret.

I am not surprised that parents may want to protect their children from negative comments. Mumsnet is liberal in comparison to many public places but there are some awful comments posted here about bf children.

I imagine most have an arrangement about where they feed that reflects their personal arrangements. Most older children don't want feeds in public, they usually do night and maybe morning at most. It is a misunderstanding to think all women who feed older children would prefer to feed them frequently, in public, to the child's whim. Many want limits and find a nursing pattern that suits mother and child.

My children don't wear pjs in public, don't cuddle their special teddy so much, don't pick their noses... I am not equating bf to any of these but I don't think it unusual that some behaviours are seen more at home.

I've never asked my children to keep it secret, and I tell people in general as although I get the face, I think its important to stand up and be counted (when one feels up to it, it can be hard dealing the negative comments). However for a long time I have only fed my dd at home, at bedtime and on first waking, so the public feeding issue hasn't arisen for me since about two.

I totally agree Kayano, the only way is to stand up and do it publicly to change public opinion.

If a mother doesn't want to go public though (and I understand why) do the benefits of extended breastfeeding outweigh the fact the child is having to keep it a secret. I honestly don't know, I am asking.

I also think it's not helping the extended breastfeeding cause because the children are effectively being brought up to think that it is not acceptable by having to keep it secretly, more so than those that have not been breastfed extendedly and have no experience of it.

There is a huge and nuanced middle ground between secret and public.

I cannot see anything other than hysteria in approaches that seek to link feeding older children at home with facilitating grooming.

I 'still' breastfeed my 3.5 year old and it is NOT a secret, but I haven't fed him in a public place for well over a year now. He hasn't asked for breastmilk when we are in a public place, perhaps because he now associates breastmilk with cuddles on the sofa and with going to bed.

I wish more women would 'go public' about full-term breastfeeing, as it would help to normalise it. I would still happily feed anywhere. However, it would be wrong to criticise any individual woman for keeping quiet about breastfeeding her toddler. Sadly, some judgy (and ill-informed) people can be quite nasty when you start to breastfeed a 2 year old in public.

I do understand that there is huge scope between public and secretive. I am really only talking about the secretiveness which there were 2 examples of in the Times article.

read this for some ridiculously judgemental views on extended breast feeding.

I suppose what I am asking is

If you have to resort to making your child become secretive (I know not all do) then surely the benefits of extended breastfeed are outweighed by the negative impact of a young child keeping a secret.

I tell my 3 year old that natural term (it's not 'extended' to me - who's extending it? Not me, and he's just doing what's natural to him) breastfeeding is unusual in our culture and that that's why I feel uncomfortable bfing him in some situations. I still will if he really wants to, but often he lets me off with a postponement.

I taught him a different word to ask for bf, which I guess is a bit secretive and was deliberate in order to disguise the fact of bfing a talking child, but if he feels very insistent he asks for 'mummy milk'/'boobie', loud as poss anyway.

It comes up rarely nowadays: he is naturally asking less as he grows older, of course.

plenty of MNers were saying that the boy in the time artice would be bullied once at school due to that public picture

I can't see that the examples you give do tell us that these children saw nursing ad entirely secret.

I wouldn't judge either way, horrid comments from strangers would certainly be damaging.

What planet are you on??

Not everything that happens within families has to be out there for public consumption. I don't feed mine in public - I just tell them it for home.
Exactly the same way I have taught DS his willy is private.

I presume you haven't run the gauntlet of public opinion for ebf.