AIBU to think that breastfeeding mums of older toddlers

[helloclitty]

should stick to their principles and ideas and do whatever they think is right. However, I don't think it's particularly healthy to tell their children to keep it a secret.

I just read an article where the women had their own reasons to still be breast feeding after 2, however, one said she only fed the younger one in public and the older one was told it was something just between them and not for public. Another bilingual child was told to ask for feed in their non English language so that people wouldn't understand what he said.

I understand why they might do this but I can't think it's particularly good to ask young children to keep secrets like this and wondered whether they should be bolder with their choice rather than secretive.

greenbananas

I did feed in public until 18 months and I can honestly say I did not have any problems.

I also didn't get whatnamethistime's post, doesn't sound like a response to any posts I've read on here, it seems to miss the point that's being discussed (whether it's okay to TEACH children to use deliberatly deceptive code words or language swaps re BFing)

I did feed in public until 18 months and I can honestly say I did not have any problems. That's great

I have only had a few weird looks, and a bit of muttering, which it was easy to ignore - nobody has actually ever asked me to stop. But it is sadly still true that some women do get hassle for feeding their toddlers in public. Yes, if everyone fed their toddlers publicly it would be great, but the world is not going to change overnight. I can understand women wanting to keep full-term breastfeeding private and just for at home, and I really don't think this damages children - they are still getting the benefits of the breastfeeding.

"If you have to resort to making your child become secretive (I know not all do) then surely the benefits of extended breastfeed are outweighed by the negative impact of a young child keeping a secret."

This is what makes me think that's it's a thinkly veiled dig at long term bf.

You are judging the Breast feeding mother and not the ill informed, judemental people who are making her life uncomfortable in the first place.

Thanks Greenbananas I do think it depends where you live as to public perception too. Younger people seem far more accepting.

But back to the point, I don't think long term breast feeding at home is a problem at all, not in the least. I do however, think that asking your children to keep it a secret is a problem. We'll have to agree to disagree.

Like previous posters, I prefer not to feed DS2 (22months) in public, but I've never had a negative response when I've done so. I am a passionate advocate of natural term breastfeeding and am boringly vocal about the fact that DS2 is still feeding.
Some people are happy feeding in public from any age, some aren't. Part of the reason I tend not to is that DS2 is an exhibitionist and discretion would be out of the window. He doesn't ask for a feed (he's still pretty much non-verbal) but when we're out and he's hoicking my top up, it's pretty clear what he means.

I agree that consciously teaching a child a "code-word" and asking them to keep this activity secret is not a good thing, but as others have said, sometimes words just evolve and it's not a consciously "secret" thing.

whatnamethistime

"I understand why they might do this (keep it secret) but I can't think it's particularly good to ask young children to keep secrets like this and wondered whether they should be bolder with their choice rather than secretive."

This is my OP.

I am saying that if the only way you can carry on EBF is by asking your child to keep a secret then perhaps people should be bolder with their choice or at least weigh up the negative impact that keeping it secret would have against the benefits of EBF.

And FWIW at 18 months people are accepting (ish)

At 2.5 - less so.

At 3.5 you get openly accused of damaging your child.

It takes a very brave person to run the gauntlet of public opinion, but I don't see why
a) public opinion should stop a mother and child undertaking something they enjoy
b) EBF should be expected to expose themselves to the sorts of comments that reduce them to tears in order to continue feeding.

I read your OP and then your futher comments.

You asked where I got the idea this thread is a dig at long term bf - I answered you.

My statement does not mean I don't think women should EBF or that I don't understand the pressures they are under.

I merely wanted to say that I think when it becomes a case of asking your child to keep it secret then the negative impact of this needs to be thought about.

that's a leap whatnamethistime

I judge anyone who teaches a child that's its okay for an adult to tell them to keep secrets about their bodies from other adults, this example just happens to be in relation to breast feeding, but it could be about anything

and IMO, the RISKS of teaching a child the lesson that "we are doing something some other adults might say is wrong with our bodies, so it is okay for us to keep this our little secret from other adults" is an acceptable concept for an adult to impose on a child, outweighs benifits of whatever that secret is about, because it is a very very very dangerous lesson to teach a child. What if another adult comes along with a different more sinister "our little secret"

when DH and I agreed on our no secret, surprizes only policy, EBFing was not on our mind at all, so it is in no way a reflection on our opinions on EBF

And before you say it

I know not all EBF children have to keep it secret they can do it privately.

whatnamethistime

If you think I'm wrong because the secretiveness isn't damaging then fine, that is your opinion. But I take offence that you think I'm having a go at EBF because I have said a few times that I am not and that it's the secret point that worries me.

so do you think it is okay for adults to ask children to keep secrets for them?
or do you think that telling them to use a code word or change language isn't crossing over the secret line?

cause this isn't a "is it okay to EBF" thread, another one of them would be boring! There is such a thing as a right way and a wrong way to do a good thing!

I didn't BF DD2 in public after she was about 18 months old because it got very difficult to do discreetly she wouldn't fit on my knee and we needed two chairs or a sofa.

However, practicalities apart I didn't keep it a secret and never told DD2 to.

However, she is far mote socially astute than me and she instinctively knew it was something you didn't talk about.

It certainly day's something about the attitude to BFing in this country that even a 3 to picks it up.

DD2 would never have heard a negative comment and had friends who were EBF, so this air of secrecy definitely came from the wider world.

Perhaps we could be linked to the whole article?

But
"the older one was told it was something just between them and not for public." does not suggest it is a dirty little secret - just that it wasn't done in public - much like me saying, thats for home.

Another bilingual child was told to ask for feed in their non English language so that people wouldn't understand what he said.

And again - the child isn't being told to "keep a secret" - I assume that within the lady's own family - people would understand whT the child is asking for - it not being a dirty little secret from them, just not something the lady is comfortable sharing with the wider, narrow minded British public.

In neither example do I see children being ordered to keep secrets, just a desire for discretion on behalf of the mother.

Says not days

And thinking about it - re simple fact both the mothers quoted in the OP were contributing to an article on lOng term breastfeeding suggests a lack of secrecy.

fair enough whatnamethistime, why not just disagree on those grounds in the first place, they are fair points even if not my POV, the secrecy line is subjective I can appreciate that, there was no need to say that people who saw that line in a different place to you were just finding ways to dig at EBF though

I was lucky enough to bf all of my 4 for a year and the youngest till 2.5yrs but the public response to bf a small baby and a bigger toddler is very different.

I had to bf the toddler once on a delayed holiday bus( had just done it in private till then) and I hit quite frankly horrified looks from other passengers.

I understand bf choices are personal and some moms just bf in private but I sort of think if you ask your toddler to 'secret code' you that's sad but unfortunately in our culture understandable.

I wouldn't do it though.

whatnamethistime

I guess fundamentally we don't see the secrecy thing the same way, which is fine. Each to their own.

Agree with earlier poster about the hysteria on this thread. Keeping natural term breastfeeding private is hardly the same as keeping a secret from society that is going to cause damage to the child and mean they are ripe for grooming. Ridiculous.

x posts again monkeymoma

I don't understand why you would feed an older toddler in public anyway. With a newborn, they are desperate for food virtually constantly and that's why you feed them in public. I fed my kids for over a year each but by the time they were quite big, they weren't desperate for food when I was out so I didn't feed them - not because I was embarrassed.

Because a) I thought About my last post after I had pondered the thread so i posted it when i thought of it and because the comment I quoted, makes me think, it's a dig at long term breastfeeding - or at the very least yet another set of misguided comments that paint a negative picture of long term breastfeeding.

No-one at all, on this thread has said that they believe in "secrecy" on this issue.

I really would be interested in the whole article - probably make interesting reading.