AIBU to think that breastfeeding mums of older toddlers

[helloclitty]

should stick to their principles and ideas and do whatever they think is right. However, I don't think it's particularly healthy to tell their children to keep it a secret.

I just read an article where the women had their own reasons to still be breast feeding after 2, however, one said she only fed the younger one in public and the older one was told it was something just between them and not for public. Another bilingual child was told to ask for feed in their non English language so that people wouldn't understand what he said.

I understand why they might do this but I can't think it's particularly good to ask young children to keep secrets like this and wondered whether they should be bolder with their choice rather than secretive.

I bf DS1 until just over 3 and still bf DS2 at nearly 2. I don't go around shouting from the rooftops, but if someone asks I certainly won't lie about it. I have my reasons and will give them honestly and freely if someone wants to know. I still bf DS2 in public, although he rarely asks.

I think it's a shame this woman actively wants to keep it a secret, but I don't judge her for it.

Also, I've found that if I volunteer the information I bf a toddler I'm either seen as weird or people think I'm criticising those who don't. Damned if you do and damned if you don't I find.

There seems to be people on this thread who want to see criticism of long term BFing where there is none

I've said before, BFing in private - no problem, BFing in public - no problem. As a toddler I used a nonsense name I made up for breast feeding (noone asked me to use it), as a toddler DS only BF indoors (because he messed about and hurt me too much if out and about with lots of distractions, it only worked on the sofa or in bed once he got big)

HOWEVER the end of the spectrum that ASK the children to decieve, by enforcing code names etc, are IMO UR because I think that ACROSS THE BOARD adults should never ask children to lie or conceal things for them about anything - anyone who reads an anti BFing vibe into that is the hysterical one!

I think that is UR and dodgy ground in the context of anything, BFing or not!

HOWEVER the end of the spectrum that ASK the children to decieve, by enforcing code names etc, are IMO UR because I think that ACROSS THE BOARD adults should never ask children to lie or conceal things for them about anything - anyone who reads an anti BFing vibe into that is the hysterical one!

Where exactly are the people doing this?? They aren't posting on this thread, they aren't in the OPs post - the examples quoted don't indicate secrecy. The people who teach their children to keep breast feeding a little secret aren't anywhere because they don't exist - and therein lies the problem with this thread - inventing behaviours in extended breast feeders that don't happen - perpetuating the myth that long term breast feeding is somehow wierd and wrong.

Exactly what I was trying to say Whatnamethistime.

From what was said in the OP (haven't read the full article) it doesn't sound to me that there is any "enforcing code words" going on

I agree that this thread is a thinly veiled dig at extended breast feeding - sorry OP! And even if you genuinely didn't mean to, I see that others are coming out of the woodwork now.

I don't feed in public because I can't be arsed dealing with any looks. I do have some sympathy because before I had DD I thought it was a bit strange to BF a toddler - because we rarely see it in our society, which is very sad IMO.

I only BF at home and DD understands this - she asks for "boo boo" and I just say "not now, later". She is fine with that but it is in no way a secret. She is perfectly free to talk about it!

Oh and I don't BF because of "principles and ideas" - I just BF because DD and I enjoy it!!

here you go:

"I taught him a different word to ask for bf, which I guess is a bit secretive and was deliberate in order to disguise the fact of bfing a talking child"

for goodness sake whatnamethistime, not everyone who EBFs is the same, some are reasonable people some are loonies like with any group of people!, just like with anything else, and there is a whole spectrum of behaviours around it just as there are a whole spectrum of different kinds of people!

I still dont see any looney behaviour at all in any of the examples. Keep digging for your evidence to try and prove your point that bf an older child is sinister.

I thought we'd already agreed to disagree that you don't think there's any secrecy involved in a mother asking her child to switch to a language that others won't understand when the child want to be fed. I do think there's secrecy involved.

It kind of ends any discussion because we're starting from different view points.

And as for you saying no one on here thinks there's secrecy involved except me is blatantly untrue.

Can you not see that it's because of attitudes like yours - looking for something that is not there- that many women will feel it necessary to make bf an older child something private?

Shall we quote the whole of that post monkey

*I tell my 3 year old that natural term (it's not 'extended' to me - who's extending it? Not me, and he's just doing what's natural to him) breastfeeding is unusual in our culture and that that's why I feel uncomfortable bfing him in some situations. I still will if he really wants to, but often he lets me off with a postponement.

I taught him a different word to ask for bf, which I guess is a bit secretive and was deliberate in order to disguise the fact of bfing a talking child, but if he feels very insistent he asks for 'mummy milk'/'boobie', loud as poss anyway.

It comes up rarely nowadays: he is naturally asking less as he grows older, of course.*

Doesn't read much like this poster is feeding her child in secret or enforcing secrecy on him when you read the whole thing does it.

Honestly Rainbow you are seeing things that aren't there.

This is not a discussion about whether EBF is wrong or right. I am getting frankly annoyed with you putting words into my mouth.

We didn't agree anything you suggested it - I ignored the suggestion - I don't think we merely have different opinions, I think your views are offensive to extended breast feeders and even more so to extended breast feeders who have been subjected to ridicule and are justifiably nervous of feeding in public.

rainbow I never said that BFing an older child is sinister, I said that teaching children that it is okay for adults to ask them to keep secrets can have sinister risks associated with it

of course some people who EBF are loonies, because some PEOPLE are loonies, just as some are extroverts, some are introverts, some are reasonable, some are not, because they are just a section of people who have JUST ONE THING in common so can have a whole range of personalities and behaviours etc, its silly to say that EBFers are the same and all approach EBFing in a healthy way because some will, some wont, theres as much variety amongst EBFers as a group as there is in any other group.

it is always possible to do a fundamentally good thing a bad way - in regards to ANYTHING, EBFers as a group are not immune to this

Thanks for posting whole quote Whatnamethistime - hardly asking a child to keep a secret is it?

Your op says you dont think it's particularly good to ask young children to keep secrets like being bf. Well, noone was asking their child to keep a secret and why would keeping it private not be particularly good?

Of course there are lots of people who are loonies and some of them will be breastfeeding. So?

I have actually met the women in the article and think I can safely say there is no coercion to secrecy for their children in their breast feeding relationship. All of the mothers willingly had photos taken whilst feeding all their children.

To address what the OP is referring to, this what was actually said in the article:

"I don't feed Toby (2) in public, whereas I am happy to feed Jemima (5 months) anywhere, because I do feel uncomfortable. I tell Toby that it's something we do on our own. If there weren't such social pressure then perhaps I would be more open about it"

And the bilingual mother:
"I am originally from Lithunania and am bringing them up bilingually so I tell Emilia to ask for a feed in Lithuanian so that people don't understand. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable when people stare"

I can see why mums might choose to be secretive about breastfeeding. I BF both my children - DD till she was 2 years, and DS is still BF at 2 years and 5months (although I am hopping to wean him soon).
The comments I have had from others have been horrible.
Including my FIL who asked why I was still bfeeding when DD was 3 months old, I said "maybe because she is hungry!"
I had a consultant last week laugh in my face when I said DS still has breastmilk at morning and night. with health professionals not supporting breastfeeding beyond a year or 2, what hope have we got of society being more accepting of it.

yes that is what it sounds like to me whatnamethistime but as I've said I appreciate that that line is subjective

I'm tired of you telling me what I think/say about EBFers in general, or EBFers who feed at home when I've said nothing negative about either group as a whole, I only criticise the ones like the one quoted who are a specific subset, I have been very very clear about this being just about that subset, and it extends to any similar behaviour about any non EBFing topic. It does not extend to all EBFing.

I feel EXACTLY the same about teaching children secrecy about any other topic so it's entirely illogical to claim it is an anti BF thing

Indeed countess and the selective mis quoting of it in order to make a point speaks volumes I think.

rainbow, point is, there are extreme ends of the spectrum when it comes to any habit, EBFing is not immune to this, and one can criticise the extremes without criticising the practice in general. The extremes DO exist just like they do with anything

My 2yo just doesn't ask to BF when we're out of the house. So it's a non issue really- for her it's something we do at bedtime- plus anytime I sit down at the computer she thinks I'm fair game possibly due to my mumsnetting while BFing addiction when she was younger

that's why I feel uncomfortable bfing him in some situations. I still will if he really wants to, but often he lets me off with a postponement.

This says secrecy to you does it?? Really.

Must be an odd secret being carried out in public.

I am not sure of the point you are trying to make.