AIBU to think that breastfeeding mums of older toddlers

[helloclitty]

should stick to their principles and ideas and do whatever they think is right. However, I don't think it's particularly healthy to tell their children to keep it a secret.

I just read an article where the women had their own reasons to still be breast feeding after 2, however, one said she only fed the younger one in public and the older one was told it was something just between them and not for public. Another bilingual child was told to ask for feed in their non English language so that people wouldn't understand what he said.

I understand why they might do this but I can't think it's particularly good to ask young children to keep secrets like this and wondered whether they should be bolder with their choice rather than secretive.

To qualify what I said earlier, I do remember once telling my 3 year old that he couldn't breastfeed in a coffee shop quite recently (he was tired and fed up with shopping). I said something along the lines of "not now because I am not wearing the right sort of clothes to be discreet and I don't really want to hoik out a whole breast in this coffee shop - can you wait until we get home?" DS was fine with that, perhaps because he understands about not showing private parts of our bodies when we are out and about.

I have some bilingual friends who use their home language for breastmilk. For them this is not about hiding the fact that they breastfeed, it's just more convenient to have one word for it.

I'm fairly open about talking about extended feeding (have had some FABULOUS comments, including 'are you allowed to?' from one colleague )

but I don't feed DS in public, haven't for a long while, and he only gets mummy milk once a day, at home.

I have not made him keep it secret, but I have encouraged him not to need it during the day now. this not to do with 'discretion' but more to do with me being sick of feeding him all the bloody time. I will be interested to see if he starts asking more for mummy milk in public when DC2 arrives next month, but certainly do not plan to feed him outside the house.

so am not sure if YABU or not!

There is a monumental difference between just doing it at home, and teaching a child to be secretive when an adult asks them to do it

we don't shower or shit on front of other people but don't ask DS to actively conceal the fact that we do it.

nothing wrong or secretive with only BFing at home, by the time DS was just 1 we were down to morning and bedtime, which were quite private times, I don't think that compaires to actively ASKING the child to conceal the fact from other adults,

asking the child to change languages, or use secret code words, is dangerous ground!

Whatnamethistime Not everything that happens within families has to be out there for public consumption

I agree but I would think there aren't any families that tell their child to use a different language if they want to ask to go to the loo for example. Things can be in private without being secretive. That is what I am talking about.

I have said very clearly that I understand why this happens I am just saying that I don't think it's great to be secretive about it and that perhaps the benefits don't outweigh the negatives once it becomes a taboo subject in public.

"I have some bilingual friends who use their home language for breastmilk. For them this is not about hiding the fact that they breastfeed, it's just more convenient to have one word for it"

that is okay, particularly if attempting one parent one language! That is not being secretive, like specifically asking the child to switch languages about it or use code words once they get to a certain age in order to conceal it from other adults

Kveta

Sounds like it's working well for you and there's no secrets needed.

I personally would not choose to breastfeed an older child. But what other people do is up to them. Also with the secret thing. That would be up to them too. Because it's this constant desire for universal approval that sometimes gets to me. And no point in bringing up other cultures. Because other cultures breastfeed late out of necessity. That is lack of clean water and so on.

Monkeymoma

Crossed posts but you said it far better.

why do you feel it's a secret?

there are plenty of things we do at home that we don't do out.

like walking around naked. or picking our noses. or playing with our willies (mum of 3 boys!)

i really don't think it's going to harm any child to be told that some things are just done at home is it?
I also know someone who did this once her child was old enough to understand the nasty comments from people who saw them feeding. she wanted to shield her child from that, which personally i think is fair enough albeit very sad!

I breastfeed my 25 month old, but only DS, DH and me know about it. I don't have any strong principles regarding breastfeeding and I'm not anti formula therefore I don't feel the need to broadcast the fact I'm still breastfeeding to the world. Breastfeeding is right for us, what would you prefer, that I wear a big badge?

Having sex in public is also frowned upon.

I used to be comfortable feeding older child in public - but from 6 month I started experiencing are related comments - I withdrew to the house after having a social worker have a go at me (not in professional capacity) and comparing me to their clients.

I think there are huge benefits to ebf. That doesn't mean I wish to turn it into a freak show for other peoples entertainment/horror/judgement.

This is one of those - when you have walked a mile in someones shoes issues.

And as others have said its not a secret, we just don't announce it to the world, but I wouldn't lie about it.

Thisisyesterday

the reason I think it's secretive is because amongst other examples, a woman had taught her child if he was going to ask to be breast fed when they were out in public he should ask in another language so others didn't understand. I can't make it clearer than that.
It wasn't that he asked openly in English and then they went off privately for a feed.

teaching code words or new language swaps is secretive

"boobies please mummy"
"no that's for bedtime"
is not

clear enough?

My son called it mookie. His own word, I never gave him a word other than milk

Some children DO use home language to ask parents if they can be escorted to the toilet. I have heard them do it! (e.g. only yesterday a 3 year old was playing at our house with DS, and chattering away quite happily in English, then suddenly he yelled "I need a wee" to his mum in his home language and ran off to the toilet.

Also, using code-words does not necessarily have to be secretive. My DS always asks for breastmilk by saying "can I have swap sides?" This is a family joke which evolved quite naturally and he uses it home as well as when we are out and about. I have NOT taught him to be secretive, but I do admit to being relieved, a year or so ago, when he was tantrumming and yelling "swap sides, swap sides NOW" on the bus, that hardly anyone knew what he was talking about (I was laden with shopping and we had to get off the bus within 2 minutes so didn't want to start feeding him right then).

We are talking about children not having to hold secrets here, what relevance has sex in public got to do with that?

I think you're confusing secret and private.

no point in bringing up other cultures

I talk to my son about our culture and others all the time. Loads of what we do and what 3 year olds need to learn is cultural (e.g. queuing, using knives & forks and the way we use them, talking quietly in libraries/on public transport). I want him to know when we do something for cultural reasons and when it's for something more intrinsic - actually 'right'/'wrong'.

Clean water/adequate diet influences culture but isn't the only reason other people in other parts of the world breastfeed for longer.

Greenbananas

But that child wasn't using his home language because his parents didn't want others to know he was using the loo. It was natural thing.

The article I read said that the mother specifically told her child to use the home language so that people didn't know what he was asking. There is a fundamental difference.

I always used a nonsense word for BFing (BF till 2 yrs) - no secrecy behind it

again that is NOT THE SAME as asking a child to change behaviours in order to be secretive! neither is using a home language word that they have ALWAYS USED.

IMO the dangerous ground is when adults are telling children to SWITCH to a code word or language they're not using anyway, when the children get to a certain age, for the specific purpose of KEEPING information from other adults

No we are talking about your perception that if people are uncomfortable with EBF in public they should stop feeding.

If you ask me it's a thinly veiled dig at long term breast feeding.

Some mothers are uncomfortable feeding in public from day 1 - does that mean they shouldn't breast feed.

You are being highly judgemental - and clearly you have no experience of what you are judging.

yes okay there's a fundamental difference in asking a child to use their home language. But as DitaVonCheese has just said, I think you may be confusing 'secret' with 'private'. I don't think it damages children to keep some things a bit private.

Have you ever tried feeding a toddler in public, OP? If you have, you may agree with the opinion upthread that it is actually quite a good idea to protect children from the negative attention that publicly breastfeeding might bring them....

of course there's lots of things you only DO in private, but none of them are secret, you don't ask your child never to say "toilet" in public, or to hide the fact they go to the toilet at all, you just teach them not to GO to the toilet in public!

I'm shocked that so few people get the secret thing and how dangerous it could be

whatnamethistime

Why are you attacking me in this way. "thinly veiled dig at long term breast feeding" where on earth do you get that from.

And if "mothers are uncomfortable feeding in public from day 1 - does that mean they shouldn't breast feed."

I don't even understand what that sentence is related to in this post.