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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit sad for dd

290 replies

shopping81 · 16/05/2012 15:24

So there is a important football match coming up. DH is a big fan and is going. Unfortunately it is on dd's 5th birthday. She does not want to go. So now mil, fil dh and ds are all going to the football.
AIBU to be sad that everyone is going to the football on dd's birthday or am a being plb.

OP posts:
NapaCab · 16/05/2012 20:12

Here's my tuppence worth: my father ditched my First Holy Communion (the most important first sacrament you'll have as a catholic and a Really Big Deal when you're 7 years old, normally it's a big family celebration) to tear off down to his hometown for a football match.

I still remember that and the main feeling I have from my First Communion is being ditched for something 'more important'.

And he wasn't even as bad as the OP's DH and family because a.) it was only him - my mother and everyone else stayed home and tried to make the day special for me but he did take the car so we couldn't go out for a meal or have a big family party as normal and b.) he at least attended the ceremony in the morning but just raced home with us minutes afterwards, ranting all the way about not wanting to be late for the match. That meant no time for photos outside the church or catching up with friends and then we were stuck at home for the rest of the day with no car.

Just a perspective from the child's potential point of view! It's not like I've been in therapy for years or anything as a result Grin Grin but just saying that's the way I felt as a child.

PullUpAPew · 16/05/2012 20:14

Napacab I have a few similar memories from childhood with my dad, so do my siblings. My mum never made a thing of it, no-one did, but we did feel like he didn't think we were very important to him.

BackforGood · 16/05/2012 20:17

Not "just a match" though, is it? It's a very important occasion that he's sharing with his son and Dad and Mum. An occasion that won't happen again, and can't be done the day before, or the day after. Just because you don't think it's important, doesn't mean it's not important to the Dad, son, and Grandparents. The family get together / cake / whatever can happen on any day, and a 5 yr old won't know any different unless the Mum/OP makes a big thing of it.

bruxeur · 16/05/2012 20:18

It's not important. People keep saying this, but saying it does not make it so.

Again, if someone would care to explain?

bumpkinbillionaire · 16/05/2012 20:18

Her dad is still going to be there for the breakfast and present opening and for the birthday tea and for the party. He has hardly ditched her.

thisisyesterday · 16/05/2012 20:25

ok... my opinion (have only skimmed thread)

if her birthday was during the week her dad wouldn't be there- why is this different?
my ds1 and ds2 have both had their birthday on a different day in the last year because it fitted in better... they didn't care, they still had their birthday!

yes, it's her birthday. but it isn't the end of the world if you have a birthday breakfast and presents and then take her out is it?
or if you just have her birthday celebrations the next day...

bruxeur · 16/05/2012 20:28

It's different because he has the opportunity to spend his daughter's birthday with her, and he is choosing not to do so.

As someone said upthread, it's not like he's defusing IEDs in Afghan. The simplest, easiest thing for him to do is to be with his daughter on her birthday.

I absolutely cannot believe that the distinction is that subtle.

Vicky2011 · 16/05/2012 20:31

Utter utter overreaction!

Why doesn't she have her birthday celebration on the Sunday? We regularly shift days of DS's birthday to weekends so he can have a proper rest day. Cards open on the day, presents and a trip out on the weekend. Really not difficult.

numbum · 16/05/2012 20:32

But he WILL be with his daughter on her birthday! He'll see her open her presents, he'll be there in the evening so can see her blow out her candles and have a late night etc. while she gets to spend the day with mum doing whatever she wants

BackforGood · 16/05/2012 20:33

But bruxeur you aren't 'explaining' to anyone why you think taking his son to this important and historic match isn't important. You don't think it is. Other do think it is. It's 2 opinions. It's been explained, lots of times, but you don't seem to want to understand, because you've already made up your mind.

bruxeur · 16/05/2012 20:33

Show me the explanation. I see lots of iterations of "it's important".

Spell it out.

JosephineCD · 16/05/2012 20:33

You don't like football, do you bruxeur?

Do you not understand how this match is a once in a lifetime experience that will only happen on this particular day? Children have birthdays every year. You can celebrate them on the day after. Can you imagine how he'd feel if his team won at Wembley and forever more he'd have the pain of knowing he'd missed out?

bruxeur · 16/05/2012 20:35

Again - thank christ - no, I can't.

And still no one can justify this bizarre mindset.

DeWe · 16/05/2012 20:36

I think actually if that happened in our family the one who's birthday it was would be quite happy because they'd get to choose what they wanted to do with me on their own. It would be very special for them. Much more special than doing something with all the family.

bruxeur · 16/05/2012 20:38

Head/desk interface rapidly getting closer.

Thanks all for the eloquent explanation regarding the MASSIVE IMPORTANCE of this game.

Out!

JosephineCD · 16/05/2012 20:38

It's important because following a team is a constant throughout your life, in an age where nothing else is. In 30 years time he will remember the match. He is unlikely to remember a specific birthday party, and whether it took place on the day of, or the day after, is completely irrelevent.

Parents that martyr themselves for their children and have no outside interests tend to be very sad individuals IMO.

numbum · 16/05/2012 20:39

I completely agree DeWe. The OP could still make it special without making a big deal out of the fact that dad isn't there for a few hours

BackforGood · 16/05/2012 20:40

Josephine's explained it very clearly. If you can't understand that, then it's clearly because you don't want to understand it.

ilovesooty · 16/05/2012 20:42

Josephine's explained it very clearly. If you can't understand that, then it's clearly because you don't want to understand it

Exactly. It's why I couldn't be bothered explaining to someone like that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2012 20:43

Why couldn't he record the match and watch it with his family members the next day? I assume because it is important, it has to be at that time, on that day. Unlike a child's 5th birthday which can be shifted around. Why isn't there a sarcastic emoticon?

thisisyesterday · 16/05/2012 20:43

i can't remember my 5th birthday

i remember A birthday when i refused to open my presents because a girl i didn't like was trying to make me

and i remember one when a friend wasn't allowed to come because it was a nice day and her dad wanted to take them out instead.

can't remember what i actually did either of those times though, or what birthday it was.

i totally agree that if no fuss is made then she won't worry about it at all. she'll be more than happy to have a day with mum and a special treat and/or have birthday celebrations on the other weekend day

it doesn't need to turn into a big deal unless the OP lets it

Sparks1 · 16/05/2012 20:43

So one parent will not be present on a (will be 5 year olds) birthday for a few hours.

Regardless of for what reason it's utterly pathetic and ridiculous to consider that parent then abdicating their responsibilities and in some way damaging the child.

The logical conclusion to that "argument" is that all parents should be duty bound to take a day off if their child's birthday falls on a working day.

Or that parents who've split should be forced to spend the whole day together lest they destroy their offspring.

Absolute pish. With bells on.

ilovesooty · 16/05/2012 20:44

Why couldn't he record the match and watch it with his family members the next day?

That is such a monumentally stupid question I don't think I'd know where to start.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2012 20:51

It was meant to be monumentally stupid, that was why I asked about the sarcastic emoticon. My point was that if a football match is considered by some to be an important event that cannot be moved, because it is on that day and that is when it is supposed to be, you could argue the same for a birthday. Just because your hobby is shared by millions does not mean that the rest of us have to agree.

Would you all be quite so strident if his hobby was model trains or war re-enactment?

ilovesooty · 16/05/2012 20:54

It depends whether one's enjoyment of a birthday is irreparably damaged by having a party the next day. I don't see that it is, especially if mum does something special with her on the day.