To expect DH to be home before 8pm at least one day each week?

[Belleflowers]

Getting a bit over the whole largely absent husband thing now

Been together 16yrs, married for 9

2 kids under 6

I'm SAHM, he is on v good salary, works in city

BUT IS NEVER HERE

Away on global work visits, deadlines, weekend deadlines....

Just fed up of being at the bottom of the pecking order.

Have raised these 2 kids largely overseas but now back in UK thank goodness, to be closer to my support networks

So am I being unreasonable to expect the father of my children to be home for tea with us all at least one evening each week? Seems like I have just been putting up with a lovely but absent partner for YEARS now

feel a bit sad to be honest

if anyone else has a similar DH with ling working hrs in finance, how do you cope with your kids and life in general, knowing he is 'there' but practically not really?

totally agree WF, you hit nail on the head - it IS to do with my self worth at the moment, as I have suddenly this month come to a place where I'm thinking I've carried a load for a long time, supporting DC's, supporting DH and wondering is it normal for a SAHM to realise that she is bottom of the pecking order, and a glorified assistant to everyone in her family, to the detriment of her own ambition!

So yes, looking into postgrad options, selling my art properly etc

We live in a coastal/rural area so his commute is just 10 min drive to train station, then 30 mins on train to city, 15 min walk to his office. Not London by the way, but other major city.

Just poles apart as you sayy MotherofSuburbia - I like how tou have made Satruday special couple night, I think we'll give that a go.

Just after our 'words' he found out that a close friend's father has just passed away, and he is upset about it - he did say it made him think about what does really matter in life

OP my SIL has a very similar situation to you

The hard thing is that its really hard for you to get a job, as essentially the childcare falls onto you.

It does read like his career "choice" is starting to grate on you alot

I also think given he spends all day there, a few texts and calls could be done!

Its hard and lonely, and it does seem hard that you are the one to sacrifice your career

I think the most realistic short term action is for you to start thinking about what work you want to do.

I get fucked off with these posts, and the implication is men have to do this, as they have no choice...

bollocks to that I say!

I work FT and provide for my family, but I have made a decision to earn less and be home more

I am sure your DH is a great man, but I think it is very hard on you too

and as the dalai lama said, money aint the b all and end all!

but I think you cant force your DH to change, so focus on you instead

I would have said an 'absent parent' is one who doesn't see their children at all.

I'm a lone-parent, I work, I'm not absent. The children are at school.

Yes but presumably you are there in the evenings and after school and you do not travel globally at a couple of days notice as the OP has said her dh does.

I work and am not absent ,but my dh is largely absent because he does not really see the children from Sunday night until Sat morning ,he leaves before they get up and gets home after they go to bed,he sometimes disappears for says on end with no warning and he is rarely if ever at school events

Belle I'm coming to this a bit late, but have read all. You 've had some good replies. My DH is law, not finance adn used to work silly hours. About 4 years ago though we had a conversation along the lines of "well, unless things change, there won't be a marriage to come back to, so we have to work something out". Thankfully he agreed and despite being the sole partner in his area he negotiated a pay cut (which he felt meant he would keep his job rather than run the risk of being given the chop) and is now usually home by 7pm, so in time to see the children. 3 mornings a week he leaves by 6am so he gets through some work before the office gets busy.

My point is that you have a responsibility to make sure he understands how you feel about this - and work out what the options are.

Beyond that, a lot of it is about the feeling valued bit. No one is ever going to reward you, but only you can decide if the career sacrifices you make are worth it to be at home for your DC. This is different for everyone, and the answer may well change from day to day according to how you are feeling. But spend a bit of time thinking about the bigger picture may help you put it in perspective.

I have suddenly this month come to a place where I'm thinking I've carried a load for a long time, supporting DC's, supporting DH and wondering is it normal for a SAHM to realise that she is bottom of the pecking order, and a glorified assistant to everyone in her family, to the detriment of her own ambition! You will carry the load - butpersonally I think that puts you in position of being at the TOP of the pecking order - you just need to carve out some proper time and give yourself the respect you're due.

BTW I do think if I was getting up at 5am I wouldn't want to be ironing my own shirts and take my wife a coffee while she is still in bed

better-thank you, really good advice. I know there isnt much he can do, but he could sart by leaving a note for us when he leaves in the morning, so we see it when we come downstairs?

Or bringing me home a Mars Bar when he comes in - I think my issue is GESTURES from the man I married!!!

he is behaving more like my brother or a flatmate at the moment!!

sorry-ipad- 'start'

spellings all over the place today

My Dh got better once I explained what I needed from him. eg he used to panic if I called him if I was having a bad baby day as he felt there wasn't anything he could do about it - he coudn't exactly race home. Once I said that all I needed to do was to be a ble to call him to rant occasionally he was quite happy about it, although I do ask if he has anyone with him as he wouldn't want a frantic wife during a metting .

As for the little things, I often find I sometimes just text him: "flowers please??!!" then he knows its been a bad day, or sometimes funny things the children said or idiotic and frustrating things they do now they are too old to be amusing

Maybe if you take the first step you'll find just a few small things are enough to jump you from one mindset to another.

Find ONE day a week to do something you want to do. Book a course; once you've paid for something you'll make sure you go - anything else can easily get eaten into with weekly chores....

I have held exhibitions of my paintings but without a structure it often drifts. Now I do printmaking once a week. At the end of each term you have to fill in a course review document which asks " has this course contributed to your health or mental wellbeing?" which always makes me giggle as I tick YES.

completely see what you mean

but I am still TIRED of doing it all, and indeed if it will mean having to make the first move in the gestures thing, I am against that, as he is my MAN, I want it to be like how it used to be...before work got hold of him

OP - I haven't read all of this but I can sympathise and empathise. My DH is a workaholic and finds it hard to refuse work, invititations to speak, etc.. He leaves the house at about 7.30 and is rarely home before 8.30. We have been married for 21 years, together for 24 and the dc are now 17 and 14. Looking back it was its hardest when the dc were under 7 and also its loneliest. I got involved in school and church and things like that largely to fill the void. When our youngest was settled and started in Y1 I got a part-time job, locally, starting at the very bottom all over again. It got me out, it gave me perspective and independence and actually I think our relationship is better for it. After a couple of years I went full time, did the professional quals and we got an au-pair to deal with the grunt stuff.

As the DC have got older, DH has got better and more involved and relates so much more to IB choices than he ever did to helping with a cursive writing style. He's also very good at ds's sporting stuff and dd's concerts nowadays and will leave work to attend although I do have to give him good notice and of course if he's on a heavy court case, he just can't. He is much much better at having a rational argument with a teenager who knows everything than I am.

It's very difficult to change a man who is a workaholic and it's very difficult to change the culture required in many City Finance houses. Personally, I think you have to grit your teeth and rise above it. The pluses are pretty big too. It's tough but I don't think there's any point in fighting it. I always knew what dh would be like and always knew he wouldn't be coming home at bathtime and if I'd made a fuss about it we would both have been very unhappy.

It isn't surprising you are feeling undervalued. You are doing a huge job on your own but by doing it you are part of an important partnership and you are just as an important part as your dh.

although in saying that I dont want to be the one to start the 'wooing', here I am looking for a hotel break for our 9th wedding anniversary in a few months

mum has so very kindly offered to visit us to babysit at ours, while we have a decent night out in our city (I'm thinking cocktails, the lot)

I think it would help

I know. It is especially hurtful if he can't see how it upsets you, if you feel he doesn't value the work you do. Just also bear in mind it could be hurtful to him if you don't seem to value the work he does.....

OP - when dc are tiny and men are tired, gestures are thin on the ground. I have a beautiful bunch of bright yellow roses on the kitchen table. I told DH he bought them for me and could give me a kiss. Don't get all antsy about Mars Bars - it gets easier.

9 years BTW - not a good time for us either. 13 yrs now better :o

Cocktails good idea, also mini golf or rollercoasters or whatever knocks you out of your usual comfort zone and makes you laugh.

Surprised how many posters don't seem to understand that some Partners have to work these hours and work abroad. To keep food on the table.

U could be me op but my dh is usually away mon to fri.

He was recently out of work for a year so I defiantly know now that an ascent but loving husband and father is much better than him being unemployed.

I do sympathise but it's life and u are lucky to be a financially secure unit and to be at home with your kids.

married - thank you, I think I'd like to follow our path, you sound like you figured it out, got on with it, then made your own progress when the time was right, and it has worked out well.

I do respect him greatly, he has a v clever brain, and he should use it. But I also have a clever brain, so I shall just WAIT my turn, until DC's are a little bit older, then I can credit myself with having raised them well, feel secure knowing they are both ok, and move on in my career path.

But yes, again, there is really no point in niggling him daily about something like this, I should just be grateful he has a job, is an optimist (who laughs at me jokingly when I try to rant- frustrating, yes, but better than fighting back with me). He lets me have my say, knows what I'm doing here is of value...

If he ups the GESTURES, we should be fine for another 10 yrs!

thebody - yes, you are right, thanks for taking time to read my post. It IS life and it is what it is - felt very self indulgent whining about so much, but just life with kids is hard sometimes. Just want my MAN here, am such a wimp!

Not read the whole thread but although YANBU to want him home earlier it might just not be possible. They don't give out well paid jobs these days for people that don't put the hours in. It IS crap, I know especially with small kids but that's just the way it is by the sounds of it.

My dh is out of the house at 7 and back between 7-8pm - long old day and I know that he would rather be at home with ds and me that dealing with work crap and commuting. He doesn't text or phone during the day unless it's an emergency as he doesn't have the time - he is at a desk where there are 3 phones which constantly ring.

Try and have a bit of time together where you can reconnect. It must be very hard to slot back into family life when you are out of the house all day - that's what I remind myself anyway :)

Just thought of something I do which helps my DH stay in touch with me and the DCs. I take photos of the DCs and myself doing stuff using my phone and text/email them (email if I can, because I know he'll see it on his Blackberry even if in a meeting) to DH most days, at least once a day (more if we go out somewhere). Or I just send him an email summary of what we've all been up to, so he knows what's what. He usually replies and often says it helps him when he's having a tough/crap day. It takes 30 seconds and really helps us. Try that maybe?

OP he commutes for 2 hours a day?
That's a lot.

No belle u not a wimp it is bloody hard always managing alone.

Incidentally I did the childminder business when ds was unemployed after years of being a sahm, IT'S SO HARD and a full time commitment with ofsted, regs etc, I am giving up in 2 weeks (after 3 years ft) and will be a sahm for a while, can't wait.

Remember u r doing a full time job and more as I know fro
My own experience it's always you at school gates, parents evening ( I always tell them I am not a single mom)

U should be proud too of your role but think we all get u.

An hour each way I would think is pretty usual, isn't it? My dh does more than that and I know loads of people who do about the same. I used to give myself and hour to get to work and it wasn't far at all - just horrible traffic.

Weekend away sounds great btw do it and catch up with your man.

stomping - it's just each way 30 mins train, then 15 mins walk, where he grabs a coffee and so on. I dont think it's such an arduous task, given some of the other commutes we have both had in the past.

But yes, there is a lot of travel involved - he has just called to say he is leaving a meeting now in a city 3 hrs away, so will be home 9ish. Pasta bake awaits him. Kids happy and fed. Wife is resigned to another couple of years of this! But thanks to all you army of mumsnetters, I feel clearer, stronger and more willing to wait for the young children stage to PASS.

Thanks also Poppy- I do this occasionally, yes it really helps him too. Just fed up of always being the one to be the first to make the gesture?