To expect DH to be home before 8pm at least one day each week?

[Belleflowers]

Getting a bit over the whole largely absent husband thing now

Been together 16yrs, married for 9

2 kids under 6

I'm SAHM, he is on v good salary, works in city

BUT IS NEVER HERE

Away on global work visits, deadlines, weekend deadlines....

Just fed up of being at the bottom of the pecking order.

Have raised these 2 kids largely overseas but now back in UK thank goodness, to be closer to my support networks

So am I being unreasonable to expect the father of my children to be home for tea with us all at least one evening each week? Seems like I have just been putting up with a lovely but absent partner for YEARS now

feel a bit sad to be honest

if anyone else has a similar DH with ling working hrs in finance, how do you cope with your kids and life in general, knowing he is 'there' but practically not really?

It gets a LOT easier as the kids get older OP x

The secret is to try to have you're own life.It's all very well other posters to say that you chose this life but I didn't really I fell in live with an earnest student ,who became a lawyer,who became this person.I don't think anybody realises how profound a difference children will make to a relationship in practical terms until it happens and you suddenly find yourself alone at home evening after evening .

Amicissimma - I am going to take your wonderful life story and remember it during my hardest moments, because, yes, actually his career has taken us all to various parts of the world. Grateful to him for sharing that with us. I will begin to become my own independent person once again, as I am generally an independent soul, he always says goodness knows how he'd cope with a clingy woman...

so yes, thank you for helping me see how to put a positive spin on this, and use it to my advantage

Had always wanted to take DC's to Europe myself when theyre a bit older, would be wonderful if DH could come, but if not, then so be it.

Just catching up with this thread. I don't agree with the people saying 'you knew what you were signing up for'. Having the first dc changes everything. When we were childless it didn't matter a bit if one or both of us had to work late or be away over night etc.

. But with dc comes compromise. And this should be for both parents, how many cases just on this thread are there where the woman has given up work or gone part time? This presumably is a joint decision for the good of the family. Therefore surely in return the dh should expect to have to make a few work related sacrifices too? As a previous poster said 'take the foot of the throttle' for a few years, the company won't fall down without you.

It is absolutely not unreasonable to expect a father to see his wife and children during the week! The man should be making damn sure it happens.

Amicassimma,wonderful sensible post.

I tend more towards LittlePlasticPeople's way of thinking, tbh.

That's a really positive post amicissima :) I have seen some people absolutely thrive in Belle's position - my friend who lives in a ski resort is one of them :o

Belle - why don't you start now with little trips? See if you can book a couple of nights midweek at a family friendly hotel or centerparcs or something? I'm sure you'd have a great time and it would mean that you are making plans of your own

'take the foot of the throttle' for a few years, the company won't fall down without you

He might well miss out on promotion opportunities or be in line for redundancy if the company runs into hard times.

He is 3rd in line to the throne - he won't be made redundant. And being so senior means he could say that he is going home at 5pm at least once a month. You just tell people that's what you're doing well in advance.

I used to work at a company which employed a lot of Orthodox Jews who aren't allowed to work after dusk on Fridays so the office would be pretty much empty by mid-afternoon on a Friday throughout winter and people would finish 'on time' spring and autumn. The business is massively successful and clients were able to work around that stricture.

Amicissima - that makes so much sense. OP - there were many times when I felt like a single parent except except for the worry and the money troubles But, after 24 years together, and having weathered a few storms (son, parents dying, dd's dreadful accident) the only time I have cried in about 10 years, was when dh looked at me from the sofa and said "you know you're my best friend don't you and I don't know what I would do without you".

Dowagers that's a brilliant company culture, but many companies do not have a brilliant company culture and presenteeism is valued above almost all things.

It doesn't sound like the OP can change her DP, and she certainly can't change her DP's company culture. All she can do is change herself - as amicissimma's post so beautifully illustrates.

My DH works in the City, as a lawyer (magic circle), very long hours and overseas travel. I accept these are the hours he has to work. But what makes me all the more accepting is the fact that when he can he will book annual leave to spend time at home with DD and me. Likewise, when he is free at the weekend he is 100% focussed on family life.

shakeyourmama, I completely agree.

employers do not have to be flexible because so many men are willing to work silly hours, supported by women at home, or (like me) working part-time, with the brakes on their career.

If we don't challenge the status quo, nothing will change.

This is part of the reason why women disappear at senior levels.

To those who suggest that women at home unhappy develop their own lives, doing things while being a SAHM may work for some, but to others (like me) it feels vital to use my qualifications in reasonably well paid and interesting employment. This is v hard with a partner working long hours and / or with no flexibility. Especially if no family support.

We are doing an experiment, pre DC we both worked long hours, DH more than me (harder employer). I am cutting as many corners as I can at work and doing most of the childcare etc in the week, which means no work in evenings (toddler won't settle, up in night). am always behind and look bad compared with childless colleagues.

DH is challenging his employer by getting in at 9.45 so he can do three morning CM / breakfast club drop- offs (so I can work), then working one v late office night to make up the time, leaving at a reasonable hour and logging in later at home, sharing time off when DC are ill etc. Weekends he avoids work as much as poss, but often does some in the evenings.

We have a fantastic CM and school. DC are OK. Not as good probably as if I were at home, but OK.

He is terrified of losing his job. I worry that my performance isn't good enough and am unlikely to ever get promoted. We are both knackered. Almost no "couple time" (cheesy phrase!) Not sure can do it for another 20 years.

But I would never, ever give up economic independence.

OP i am in a similar position but we are expecting our 1st baby. DP is away about 30% of the time, 2 weekends a month (his parents wont let me at their house so he visits them for a weekend every other month).

I am very lonely a lot of the time and have to do all the house work and will have to look after the children. We know he will never be able to share any pick ups or clubs for them etc.

He even takes holiday to do consultancy work so his annual leave is used working. He is doing his 3rd Masters so when at home is working too. Even when he is home he has lots of phone meetings with HQ in the US till 9pm.

I don't get many benefits of the money earned either, as altho he pays all the bills I don't have access to any of the money. He saves lots but it is all in his name. The house is in his name. He moans about me not earning enough sometimes and now i will be giving up work he seems to be getting meaner. He says he will have to do more consultancy work to make up for my loss of wages.

I am hoping to make friends with some other mums and make a life of my own, but everything costs money and i can't drive (learning at the mo').

Sorry to hijack, but am interested how others cope in similar situations.

I also have no family support or friends. (i feel sad now!) :(

Spuddy, your situation sounds precarious and possibly abusive (financial, isolating you), and you have few legal rights as you're not married . hope you can find some RL support, from new friends or organisation like women's aid.

Spuddy, there is lots of support on MN.

thanks dozer i don't think he is abusive i just don't think he understands money at all. He has a massively different attitude to it (he doesn't understand why i can't 'just earn more' or why i don't 'retrain'- for free, while working full time with a baby).

Anyway, i have said when i give up work i want a joint account and what's left after bills needs to be split 50/50. I have said if this doesn't happen i am leaving. He has agreed. I have also said time away needs to be curbed and he will need to give me time off to do my own stuff at weekends. The trouble is when he's here for the weekend i just want to be with him because i miss him so much and am so lonely.

amicissimma what an inspiring post! I know that having my own very full life makes me hugely nonplussed DH's long hours. I'm too busy to think about it much. Of course, unlike the OP, my DH definitely pays me a good amount of romantic/personal/intellectual/emotional attention, which helps too...

Well fellow mumsnetters, this morning, he did not leave the house at his usual 5.30am, he woke at 6.30, showered with DS, dressed DC's and did their breakfast while I was showering upstairs. (Ironed his own shirt - again)

When I came downstairs, he had made me tea & toast!!!

Fully shocked, but he just grinned and hugged me.

What is going on!?!

Poor guy, trying to please us all! He hasnt obviously changed since our early days, he used to help out like that. I think my chat must have helped.

Thanks for your listening ears and sharing experiences to help me feel so much clearer about moving forward (without nagging my DH all the time!)

U got a good one there belle and that's a lovely post.

belle I thought of you last night as weirdly dh came home really early and ate with us!! Do you think they read the thread????

fantastic belle!

but 'he is not the junior boy anymore, he should be able to just leave...' is simply not true. in fact the OPPOSITE is. my dh is a ceo and the buck stops with him. so he's putting the rubbish out at 10pm on a friday night because everyone else forgot.

it's the way it is.

Hey Belle that's great. I hope he realises that just those small things will have put a spring in your step and that in turn will put a smile on his face.