to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

No. The OP chose to put herself in that position.

What happens if DD2 turns out to be a little genius and can get a scholarship to the private school? Surely, by using the "equal" logic, she then doesn't get to go because her DSis didn;t get to go.

I think the argument about schools is a red herring I would not be with a man who mentally abuses one of my DC. The DP has been in DD1 life since she was a year old she should be the apple of his eye not a resented interloper to be ignored.

What man adores another mans child when the ex is constantly in their life? He is not given an opportunity to love her unconditionally. There is another man buying her everything but not in her life fulltime. So in what way should the dp be this girls father?

Life isn't fair. I would take the opportunity for any DC or mine even if it meant another would seemingly miss out.

This could happen due to a change in circumstance in the family also. That you were rich when one kid was the right age and then made redundant or that you were scrapping by for the older kid and then in the money for the younger (this happened to my DH who doesn't begrudge is younger brother at all).

That's because it was external circumstances that hit them all.

I think you should send DD1 to the private school. fwiw if the only things stopping you from sending DD2 to the same school is either increasing your hours or not having another child, then it's a no-brainer for me. I think declining your first child the opportunity offered to her would likely cause a lot of problems in the long run.

What I don't understand is, if your DP (regardless of the school issue) is generally resentful of the fact that DD1 has more activities etc due to money contstratints, then why on earth does he want to dilute those resources future by having another child? I have a feeling that he'd like to have 'more' children that are 'his own' to somehow outnumber DD1.

Another question I'm thinking is - if DD1's father is a very higher earner, then the CM is likely also very high (in addition to him paying significant extras for DD1). In assuming you spend (in your own home) equally on the 2 children, it would therefore follow that your DP's household (including DD2) benefits considerably from your ex's money. It seems somewhat hypocritical for him to be ok with this yet decline DD1 the opportunity which her father can afford

Sounds as if the ex is a good father. If the DP can't handle that then he does not have DD1's best interests at heart.
As a mother if a great opportunity came up for one of my kids I would want her to take it. These things happen in families; you can't force the girls to have the same experiences when they have different parents with different resources.
Even if the ex was not around DD2 will never get to the private school because her family cannot afford it. DD1's family can. That is the reality. It is up to the parents to make it seem normal. Isn't that the commitment you make when you get into a blended family?

Well if DD 2's father is dis-interested in DD1 then that is a whole other thread isnt it, is he perhaps compensating because DD1 does have so much more or is he just not interested in her? If its the latter then personally I think that is the more important issue you should be worrying about.

I still think perhaps that you are worring about this YEARS before you need to (obviously I know nothing about private school so I may be wrong)

expat plenty of men adore their step kids even when their fathers are very involved. One should not prevent the other.

What a tough one. Good luck whatever you decide.

Well my DH was the less favoured sibling in his step-family. My god I can not get over the resentment and bad feeling he suffers. I just wouldn't chance it tbh.

The best solution is for you to work FT and forget about another DC3. I think that's the most sensible solution.

Or, your DD could live with her dad in the week and you could have her at weekends.

Sending DD to live with her father would be a terrible idea, surely! That would be playing right into the sf's hands.
I agree with those who have said that the schools issue is a red herring. Your dp's attitude towards your dd1 is the real problem here. It really needs to be tackled before she is damaged by it.

"I am going to have to spell it out to him that parenting DD1 is mine and her father's responsibility."

Going back to page 1 of this, the OP said the above. If I were the DP I would be distancing myself too. It does sound, as someone said a few posts back, as if you have TWO families going on here, not a blended one.

I think though that something as fundamental as choice of school is one of those things that really should only be decided by the mother and father. If DH and I were to split there is no way I would entertain the idea of anyone else deciding what school my child should or should not go to

Forgive me if this has been suggested already, but what about applying for a bursary for DD2 in due course? Depending on your and DP's income, a bursary could be up to 100% remission of fees (though you'd have to check with your school to find out what the maximum bursary they offer is). As it is DD1's father who'll be paying DD1's fees, the school won't expect you automatically to have the money for DD2's and the fact that DD1 is already there may well be a factor in your favour if applying for a bursary for DD2.

Just a thought.

I can't read 23 pages, but I would say let her go. Other opportunities maybe come up for dd2.

My 6yo just got a scholarshipjs to a private school we applied to for his sister, host application was totally on a whim, but he got a place and near full scholarship, she is just on the waiting list. We can't deny him his opportunity because she might not get the same offer when a place becomes available.

Won't DD2 wonder later in life why you had a third child rather than try to give her the same chance as her older sister?

I don't think many people wish a sibling hadn't been born because that stopped them going to private school.

The OP hasn't been back for a while.

Poor OP. She must be bewildered. Between us, we've advised her to move DD1 to EXP's care, leave her current P, have more children and under no circumstances to have any more children, to move house, and to get a full time job.

I wish you luck, OP

If I were you I would send DD1 to the private school, shelve plans for DC3 and try and figure out a way to send DD2 to the same school.
You might be able to get a sibling discount, you might be earning more by then, you could work full time, it is achievable from what you say.

Expat - What man adores another mans child when the ex is constantly in their life?

My dh does. And if he didn't he wouldn't be my dh. I happen to think he's pretty fabulous, but he really isn't that unusual. I know plenty of successful step families. There are times when it's difficult, but if all the adults concerned genuinely want the best for the children, it's not that difficult.

Perhaps that's the difference Outraged. You think your dh is fabulous. Doesn't seem that the OP feels the same. I'm glad it works for you - it's great when it does.

But my thinking my dh is fabulous (with respect to his step children) didn't come until after he had proved that he was worthy of being a part of their lives. I wouldn't give him that amount of credit until he deserved it. He was in a difficult position at first, what with becoming part of an already successful co parenting relationship, but he wanted what should come naturally, ie he wanted the children not to be in any way disadvantaged because of his presence.

If he didn't, he wouldn't have lasted long enough to be tested over something as major as educational choices, because I was already committed to my children and their Father before we met.

The nicest step father of my acquaintance treated his step-children entirely as his own. He paid for his step-children's school fees. Both of them, all the way through. Then university and then finally took them both into his business.