to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

Lunar, how can you say that you think the DP was trying to say something different to what we know he actually said, yet see the ex as some sort of shit stirrer based on the fact that he is involved with his dd and wants to give her a good education?

there isn't a problem though because hasn't even BEEN to the junior school ffs, she is frightened by rumors and making it into a huge issue.

Yes she has Fio, she says in the op I was not impressed when I visited

I meant the child hadn't.

OP, your children are not equal and never will be.

Will your DP say DD1 can't go to Uni, paid for by Ex, if he can't afford it for DD2?

She can't have a car, paid for by Ex, if he can't afford it for DD2?

She can't have a deposit for her first home, paid for by Ex, if he can't afford it for DD2?

She can't have a big wedding, paid for by Ex, if he can't afford it for DD2?

Its ridiculous to think they can be the same. Its never going to be like that, and trying to make it so is spectacularly unfair on DD1 whilst not at all unfair on DD2 - you are denying DD1 a chance that exists, whereas for DD2 the only unfairness is she might long for something that doesn't exist - ie a wealthy dad.

Oh, and your DP is an arse who clearly resents your DD1. Why are you allowing him to treat her like this?

No actually don't see the ex as a shit stirrer at all... he has all the way though done what he feels is best for HIS child. That makes him a pretty decent bloke.

But I also can see that a pretty decent bloke wouldn't want the family in the position this offer has albeit inadvertently bought about. Which is why as the OP I would be working with the ex to find alternative solutions.

Because I can well see he would feel that way from what the OP has posted on this board. I can also see why that would lead to someone saying something pretty stupid if he wasn't otherwise a shit. Of course if he is otherwise shit then why have another child with him?

I wouldn't be contemplating a dc3 with your current partner, he sounds like he is struggling with the dynamics of a blended family and a further child would exacerbate this, not "fix" your family.

Send DD1, you only have 50% of this decision anyway so given that you are not diametrically opposed to the idea it will happen anyway.

DP needs to grow up and get used to the idea that life opportunities for your dd1 are going to be different for dd1 and dd2 (who as others have said has the advantage of living with both her parents, a situation dd1 isn't compensated for) in fact it sounds like your do resents her, something you need to address before it impacts on her.

In short you need to treat your dds as individuals and make the most of each opportunity presented to the, constant comparisons aren't going to help anyone as a blended family can NEVER be scrupulously fair.

What an awful position to be in. My gut feeling is I would probably NOT send DD1 to private school but would encourage her father to pay for private tutoring in addition to state school? This way he would feel he is giving her a foot up the ladder without the potential future resentment.

I guess if, as Cote does, you judge whether a decision is a good one based on MATERIAL possessions then the Private CEO/state "normal job" scenario make private school the obvious decison. If you base it on the overall effect it had on BOTH people and their emotional relationship then it was a bad choice wasnt it?

For me I hope my children grow up close to their siblings but I DO know of situations where DC1 has gone Private DC2 has gone state and it HAS caused resentment and ultimately damaged the family relationships.

Sorry I have NOT read the whole thread at primary level then private tutoring in addition to state school often means these children get into seconary school on scholarships anyway...well that seems to be how it works round here. Lots of the "coached" children at our local primary go on to win places at the "good" girls/boys schools locally.

What does working with the ex to find alternative solutions actually mean though?

What are the options for solutions?

The ex could pay for dd2 - that wouldn't help because it would just dent the DPs ego even further and make him more resentful.

The ex could assist them in moving to a catchment of another good state school - the same as above would happen.

Either way, the ex shouldn't be expected to shell out for the choice that someone else made in having children.

Other solutions could be the DP earning more - both girls get the same, better (in OPs opinion) education.

The OP could earn more - again, both girls get the same.

The OP and her DP could fund a move to a better catchment with a school they are all happy with - the OP and her DP taking responsibility for the choices they have made and both girls get the same.

If the OP and her DP were on the same side, of wanting what was best for both children, they would come up with one of these solutions that involves them taking responsibility while not denying one of their children a brilliant opportunity. The ex shouldn't be expected to do that for them.

By the way Fio, that doesn't make sense, if you were talking about the child, then you are saying that the child is frightened by rumours and making it into a huge issue. I'm sure the child isn't doing that at all.

You have to leave the resentment arguement out of it. This has the potential to cause equal resentment in both the girls whichever descision is made.

well what I meant is, the child hasn't even attended the junior school at all yet. the mother looked round, said there were mixed reports and has become frightened by the fact her dd might not have a good experience there before even trying it.

Lemonaide - You cannot assume that the older sibling who went to private school in that example turned out to be insecure and socially inept (showing off his material wealth to his brother etc) because he went to private school. Correlation is not causation and all that, and this is just one example that doesn't even show correlation. I know many private school graduates who arent insecure and who don't show off their wealth, so what does that mean?

I don't think happiness and success = material wealth, by the way. It just seems to me that there was no evidence in that story that private schools are bad. the one evidence seems to be that private school education propelled the older sibling on a much better career path, which isn't a downside to private education IMO.

Yes Fio, but there's nothing wrong with that. We all make a choice on which school to send our children to before they have actually done a day of lessons there.

I don't need to send my children to some schools before I know I don't want them to be there, I can make a reasonable judgment based on the available information that I do have.

I think the DP is getting a harsh pasting. It sounds as if the OP is not letting him in as far as parenting dd1 is concerned. It must be hard for him to bond with a child who is always off with "wonder dad".

I know I'd feel pretty shit if dh had a child with a previous spouse and this woman was mother of the year and earned twice the amount I do. I'd feel ten times worse if my attempts to form a relationship with step-child were squashed by dh saying that this child was "his and his ex wife's".

I didn't freddos, we didn't get our catchment school or any of our choices and we got a school we hadn't even looked round :( Luckily though I looked round and it seems FINE.

I am not sure I would be happy with this amount of upheaval in my family about something I hadn't even tried though

But that would be your own feelings and insecurities Gramercy, and thise should be put aside when it comes to doing what is best for the child, because the child is a child and you are an adult that made an informed choice to get involved in that situation.

gramercy i feel exactly the same from your post...it doesnt excuse what he has said about he will never forgive dd1, but it makes it understandable.....

Fair enough Fio, but presumably you made a choice about the schools you did want based on your child never having been there?

well yes and no as I did have previous experience of the school I had picked and didn't get.

I presume dd2 will go to the junior school?

Cote I read that post differently to you then - I took the one with the insecurities to be the sibling who had NOT gone to private school.

I dont understand why this is a problem NOW DD 1 is in year 2 yes? By the time she is in year 6 and ready for junior school she will already have a friend network and probably want to go where they go. If she has had tutoring year 2 to year 5 and has achieved good levels of education she will probably be able to get into a school on scholarship based on HER work rather than the fact that her father has more money. For ME this would be the preferred choice.

Lets not get into criticising OP DP2 I suspect he is feeling emasculated by this feeling - no one likes to feel that their OH previous partner is "better" than they are and I am sure his words were said in the heat of the moment.

Not read past the first page, but in your shoes OP I would send your DD1 to the private school if it is infact better than any other school in the area. And then forget about having a DC3, so you can send your DD2 there too. I'm sure they'd appreciate both being at the same school and having the same opportunities presented to them, thus avoiding sibling resentment in the future with her sister, rather than having another sibling in the future, which after all is mostly for your benefit.

There are some things you just don't say though! Words like that don't come out of nowhere, they come from feelings. You may not ever say them if you don't get upset enough, but you can still feel them. And if you feel them enough that they are able to come out when you are upset, then you obviously feel them enough full stop.

The DP condo have said 'Ill never forgive you' out of upset, but to say he would never forgive a child shows that he has negative feelings towards that child, and that proves he is not worthy of having a say in a descison that will affect her education. You only get one chance at that, but OP could be with someone else by the time her dd1 is in Y6.

But I think the Dp's "feelings and insecurities" are quite telling. It would be different if OP, her DP and dcs were a solid unit. Then if the ex-H pitched in extra money/resources/time for his dd, then it wouldn't really be so much of an issue. As it is, it really comes across as if the OP greatly admires ex-H and if we can see that on an internet forum, then it must be displayed in glorious technicolour for the DP.

I can understand how OP's partner is feeling, any man in his shoes likely to feel that way but he's being emotional and vindictive in how he's dealing with it and has had issues about dd1 since dd2 came along.

The problem is that whilst he might resent dd1 (like it's really her choice..) if she goes to private school and they don't end up having a third, equally there's chance OP will resent her partner if she has a third and can't send any of them to school she prefers or he ends up alienating dd1 even more after his dc2 comes along, regardless of which school she ends up at.

OP, whatever you do, the issues with your partner will not go away, he's had them since dd2 came along so even if you don't send dd1 to private school, he'll continue his resentment of the so called imbalance in the time you give her and money her dad spends on her.

Almost all first born children end up getting more attention from their mums in particular, it's kind of inevitable, everything they do is new for everyone and needs more focus, they're the guinea pig, your partner doesn't have a benchmark but I would say I have the same issue with my two, my eldest always ends up getting more of my time. This situation must be incredibly stressful for you if you can't be a natural parent for fear of causing resentment in your partner.

Since he's taken the extreme step of stropping off to his mums, can you suggest having a session with a counsellor where you can both speak openly about the issues, I think your relationship is on on a knife edge and sounds like it's going to need some major compromise on all sides to survive. A neutral third party might help you to thrash it all out?

In the current circumstances fair to say the only person preventing you both from thinking about a third is him, he's behaving in a way which makes it impossible for you to contemplate a third with him and this has nothing whatsoever to do with choices you plan to make for dd1 but his inability to acknowledge what a fucking difficult situation it is for all of you and emotional blackmail is not what's needed.

Your dd1 is in a lose lose situation right now, totally crap for her and that will impact on dd2.

If you and your partner want to sustain your family unit, you'll have to sit down together to talk about yourselves as a unit and what works best for all of you in order to survive. Personally, I think trying to create two family situations under one roof, will be polarising give the background.

Sorry, long post, hope you can get some counselling, this is going to be a really difficult one to work out without some neutral, calm, help as you're having to deal with some entrenched feelings on both sides.

Sorry outraged I dont get that at all and contributing to the breakdown of someone elses relationship by magnifying a few words said in the heat of the moment adds nothing to this thread does it? When I am VERY angry what I say is actually a dramatic magnification of what I actually think...so I really dont think we should blow his words into a major problem unless his treatment of DD1 is always like this.

I too, like gramercy, am getting perhaps that the OPs current partner is feeling emasculated by a mixture of the previous parners wealth and the OPs appreciation of it Im not saying he doesnt have to suck it up and just get over it but I do feel that perhaps the OP is making the situation worse (I may be wrong)

Do you REALLY need to apply for private school 4 years before you need it?