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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

639 replies

PerplexedPetunia · 13/05/2012 09:50

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so Sad.

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 14/05/2012 10:34

What a difficult situation. Honestly? I would let DD1 go to the private school, make the relevant sacrifices to also send DD2 and not have child number three. Bloody difficult though.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 10:41

Lemonaide - a magnification of what you actually think can only come out of there is some part of you that thinks it at all.

I say things I wish I hadn't said when I'm especially angry, but I don't say things that don't represent how I feel in some way.

TheBossofMe · 14/05/2012 10:47

Lemonaide - OP has already said that her DP "actively ignores" her DD1s achievements upthread. So this is an ongoing pattern of behaviour from him towards the DD1. Not good

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 10:51

Cheeseandpineapple - good post.

Gramercy - that's the whole point. Op and her DP aren't a solid unit. Their family isn't a solid unit. It can't be, op describes her dp as being 'actively uninterested' his step daughters achievements.

There is nothing at all wrong with OP having a good opinion of her ex, or with her admiring him.

I have a ex who I could write exactly the same about as the OP did in her first post. My ex has never quibbled about maintenance, has always seen the dc regularly, has always contributed to extras that they need, always comes to parents evening, school plays etc. While I think those are just normal parent things to do, I read on her about so many crap Fathers that I do appreciate my ex, I do think he's a brilliant Father, I do respect his opinion as my co parent.

None of that affects the relationship I have with my husband. My husband is wonderful in other ways, we are a solid unit. My husband and my ex actually get on well, because we have always made a huge effort to always put the children first. My dh found it hard at first, as a step parent he had to make sacrifices and base descisons he makes for his life on children that aren't his, while at the same time only having a minimal amount of say on things like which schools the dc go to, or what clubs they will do on what days etc. But my dh knows that the children come first, that was part of the choice he made when he decided to be with me. So he has just had to man up and accept the way things are. I admire and respect him for that as much, if not more, than I respect my ex for being a good dad.

doormat · 14/05/2012 10:53

theboss ..i agree with lemon and gramercy....at the beginning of the thread op stated that before she moved in with dp, he was great stepdad material and they had a great relationship....maybe it is the fact that he is already seeing dd1's lifestyle and advantages as already pushing dd2 out and making her a second class citizen....

i believe wonderdad should be doing the extra curricular activities with his own dd...not relying on the family unit, when he knows full well there is another child in the family who does not have these opportunities....

moonbells · 14/05/2012 10:55

In another era, when even Grammars weren't free (pre-1944 education act) my Uncle was paid for to go to the local grammar. My father (the younger brother) wasn't. At the time they had no idea that Uncle didn't have the same father (kept v. hush-hush) and his actual father paid the fees.

My poor Dad has spent his entire life feeling second-rate, leading to severe adult depression and lack of self-worth, despite being the brighter of the two (I'm not just saying that!).

I would treat both your DC equally. It's not worth messing up the head(s) of your other DC(s).

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 10:58

What do you mean 'relying on the family unit'? Confused

He's not relying onthe family unit at all, he's relying on his co parent, the mother of his child, to do her best for the child they had together. It's not his fault op decided to have another child by someone else.

Oakmaiden · 14/05/2012 10:58

Can you enquire about bursaries for your youngest when she reaches year 3?

TheBossofMe · 14/05/2012 11:02

doormat but there wasn't a DD2 at the beginning, so things have changed. He may have been happy to play supportive parent until he had his own child, but doesn't sound like he's being very nice to DD1 now he has his "own" family.

I grew up in a blended family as the "poorer" sibling. Honestly, it was fine, mainly because all parents were sensible about it and didn't hold anyone back. Its totally ridiculous to try and equalise life when DD1s life is patently always going to be different to DD2s.

doormat · 14/05/2012 11:02

no outraged it is not his fault op had a child with someone else...but bio dad is relying on the family unit to take dd1 to extra curricular activities...which is causing a noticeable division between dd1 and dd2.....

bio dad should be doing this himself..he is causing a divide

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 11:06

He is not relying on the family unit to take dd1 to her extra curricular activities, he is relying on the mother of his child who he co parents with. If he were relying on the family unit, the DP would be doing some of it too, and OP has stated that he doesn't do anything for dd1.

And even if he was relying on the family unit, what's so wrong with that? My husband takes ds1 to school every day because that is easier for our family, should my ex be doing something special in return for that?

doormat · 14/05/2012 11:10

boss yes dd1's life is already different...and this is such a hard situation for all concerned....i really dont think it is because he has his own child..i think it is because he is already seeing a divide, which is not fair to dd2

i have children and 2 stepsons but i have always treated them fairly...they all got the same except for ds5, but that is another story, my dh took on my 4 from previous and i would never dream of saying to him..that our children are his and mine but my 4 previous are mine....like if he ever said the same to me about our 2 dc being his and mine but my 4 from previous were yours..his arse wouldnt touch the front step as it got booted out the door....

TheBossofMe · 14/05/2012 11:18

doormat But she's not treating her DDs differently. Her DD1s father is treating his DD differently to the way he treats his ex-wifes new DD. The OP isn't paying. DD2 isn't going without to fund something for DD1 - she would never benefit from the money not being spent on DD1.

Two of my SBs went to the US version of Eton (if there is such a thing) and then onto Harvard, and then MBAs at top business schools, all paid for by their father. They got brand new cars for their birthdays, apartments when they graduated, and HUGE set-up home allowances when they married. I didn't because my DF wasn't that rich. Fair is about ensuring one child isn't deprived of the life they would have had if their parents had remained together just because the other side of the family isn't as rich. Children do understand that life isn't always equal in blended families.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 11:24

Fair is about ensuring one child isn't deprived of the life they would have had if their parents remained together

This is it exactly. Obviously the child's life won't be exactly the same, but any difference should be kept to a minimum, and they certainly shouldn't lose out any more than they absolutely have to.

ExpatAl · 14/05/2012 11:35

I agree that the child shouldn't lose out but that's moot because the OP had another child. So she wasn't playing by those rules. There is no way this can be made good. dc2 will have feelings of resentment and hurt for the rest of her life. You cannot give one child a markedly different opportunity in life because of money, not a special ability and not expect to have to pay with your other childs feelings. If you think this is possible and okay, why don't you imagine being dc2 mother and explaining why and how this happened when dc2 is 20 and looking you in the eye.

doormat · 14/05/2012 11:40

boss but she is albeit inadvertently by taking dd1 to the extra curricular activities that bio dad is paying for....he should be doing it..as dd2 as a four year old may not have the maturity to understand why dd1 goes here, there and everywhere but she doesnt....it is a sad situation for all involved

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 11:40

What about explaining to dd1 when she is 20 that she went to a school neither of her parents wanted for her and that she missed out on something that her own Father wanted for her because of the reaction of her Mums boyfriend?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 11:41

Doormat, why should he be doing it? Confused

What wrong with her mother taking her?

ExpatAl · 14/05/2012 11:41

Also, why on earth would the dp not be peed off? He loves his child and sees daily ways in which he cannot provide for her in the way that the ex provides for his child. Perhaps he is being particularly articulate in his voicing of this, but surely anyone can understand his feelings. He is also obviously not doing too badly if they can afford for the OP to work part time.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 11:43

The DP is under the impression he can afford another child. If he can afford another child, he can afford for his existing child to do a couple of after school clubs. Why should dd1 have to stop doing things like that because her Mums partner wants another baby more than he wants to provide for her sister?

TheBossofMe · 14/05/2012 11:43

DD1 will also have feelings of resentment for the rest of her life when she finds out that she wasn't allowed to receive things from her own father because her stepfather didn't allow it.

The difference should be kept to a min for the things the "shared" parent pays for. Its simply nonsense to say that the non-shared parent also has to minimise the difference. Why should he? He has no responsibility to DD2.

I had zero problems understanding that my SBs were richer than me. It really wasn't an issue at all.

doormat · 14/05/2012 11:44

could bio dad take her to school and pick her up...sorry....clutching at straws but trying to think of ways where it could be fair to both children.....

ExpatAl · 14/05/2012 11:45

Outraged, you are relegating the dp to being a 'boyfriend.' He is the father of her other child and as that, should have a significant role in the decisions of the family. Also, dc1 will love her sister and her step dad and her mum. What kind of position is this putting her in?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 11:45

I can understand his feelings, but they are secondary to the Ex's feelings and the dd1s feelings, because they were there first and he chose to put himself in that position. The ex didn't choose it, and the dd1 didn't choose it.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/05/2012 11:46

Dc1 will not love her step Dad if he is favouring her sister over her, and it appears that that is exactly what he is doing. She will not love her step dad if she is denied opportunities that the Father she loves more wants for her.

I didn't.