to consider sending DD1 to a private school when there is no way DD2 will have the same opportunity?

[PerplexedPetunia]

A bit of background - I have two DD's, one in year 2 and the other due to start school this September. DD2's father is my DP but I am on very good terms with DD1's father. He earns a salary twice that of my DP and has never quibbled about paying maintenance, he has DD1 every other weekend and never lets her down. He attends all school events - parent's evenings, plays etc whenever possible (he does work long hours) and is great with our DD.

To cut a long story short, DD1's father instigated a trip to a local private school after we discussed our concerns RE her transition to junior school. The nearby infants school is lovely and DD1 has got on really well there but there have been mixed reports about the junior school she would be going to and I was not impressed when I visited.

Of course, I was wooed by the private school and am now utterly convinced that DD1 should go there. Her father would be paying the fees in addition to child support and financing uniforms trips etc so it wouldn't be any burden on DP or I. (In fact the private school is on my way to work.)

My one and only (HUGE) reservation is my DD2. DP and I are very happy with the local infants school but there is no way we can afford to send her to a private school and carry on our lives as planned. I really want to continue working part time so I can be around for the DC's after school and maybe (fingers crossed!) have another baby sooner rather than later. The only way we would be able to send DD2 to the same school would be if I worked full time and we gave up on the idea of a DC3.

DP and I had a massive row about it earlier. He thinks IABVVU even considering the option for DD1 as it would be unfair on DD2. DD1 already does a lot of activities after school, paid for by her father, that we will not be able to afford for DD2 let alone a DC3 and he is quite resentful about this.

I know it isn't fair and I have no idea what to say to DD1's father. I just feel so .

"why on earth would the dp not be peed off? He loves his child and sees daily ways in which he cannot provide for her in the way that the ex provides for his child."

Will he not be peed off if DD1 doesn't go to private school?

Is it right to deprive DD1 of this opportunity so that DP isn't peed off?

"What man adores another mans child when the ex is constantly in their life?"

How is exH constantly in their lives? He has DD1 one weekend out of two and pays for her school & activities.

Another way of looking at it, is that DD1's father paying for DD1 to go privately gives DD2 the opportunity to go privately too, which wouldn't be possible if you had to pay yourselves for both DD1 and DD2. Also depending on the school, I imagine they might look favourably at one sibling as a recipient for a bursary.

If you do decide to have DC3, which would then make that not possible, and opt to educate DD2 and DC3 in the state system, then at least you have 2 which are being treated the same.

We have 3 DC, 2 were educated in state up to age 11, DC3 will be private from age 7 - because PIL (different for DC3) have offered to pay. We're paying for senior schools ourselves. Even if you can't afford private at prep for DD2 and potential DC3, could you save instead for Senior school, and have them partially privately educated?

That's a good point Mira, there is a positive way to look at this if they choose too. Not only will the ex provide a possible reason for the second dd to have a bursary, but he is saving them money on uniforms and the extras that come along with any school if he takes full financial responsibility for paying for dd1s education.

Expat - What man adores another mans child when the ex is constantly in their life?

So are you advocating that NR parents should abandon their children?

OP has said that they cant afford the same level of extra activities for DD2 as are paid for by DD1's dad. If that is the case, I cant see them being able to afford school fees/private school uniform/extras.

But they could if one of them worked more hours, and they wouldn't have to find enough for both their children, or even one and a half of their children because of what the ex can provide.

Isn't it a good thing that there is potential for both girls to have these things, rather than there being no chance for either of them?

No I'm not Passion. Go grind your axe at someone else.

In many sectors and also in the current economy increasing hours is not always an option. TBH if the financial situation is tight then I wouldnt be advocating private school for DD2 anyway. In general going full time is not normally free as flexibility is lost.

• after school clubs/childminders for the extra hours
• time off for appointments
• extra cost of holiday care

The thing for DP is that all of this is an unlooked for cost. Until the ex mentioned private school the local primary school was just fine for both DDs. Private school has been dangled in front of OP's nose. Of course the local state school now looks shabby by comparison.

Once more poor old DP is made to look like an under-achiever by comparison with the rich ex. In DP's shoes I would be feeling pretty hacked off. This private school business has probably proved to be the final straw.

It is all very well posters saying that the DP should work harder, earn more. Not everybody wants to privately educate their DCs. It sounds like DP is being bullied into this so that DD2 doesnt end up as even more of the poor sister than she is already.

I know you are probably all right and the way my DP has been acting towards DD1 is out of order but I do think he is a good person and is just struggling with a situation that we weren't faced with until relatively recently. There is room for improvement in his relationship with DD1 but I do sympathise with him because it is very difficult to play a meaningful role in her life when her father is a big part of her life.

To answer a few of your questions:- Yes I do want DD1 to go to private school. I had not given it a lot of thought before now because it is very expensive and I hadn't visited the junior school. I have been thinking a lot about it and I think a big part of my reaction to the state school was a feeling that it was a bit more 'grown up' and it's scary for me to think DD1 is getting so old!

DP retracted comment about not forgiving DD1. He admitted it was a terrible thing to say and he is not angry with her, just the situation. We have sat down and worked out how much it would be to send DD2 there and based on their current fees the tuition alone would be nearly 14K a year, PLUS uniforms, trips, extra tuition etc and it would only get more expensive when she reaches year 7. DP said he isn't sure it's worth it even if we don't have another child. (It may not happen - I am 38).

Lemonaide - I think you usually apply to private schools a lot earlier. If we apply, we will be late for DD1. If we decide DD2 should go too we can 'register' our interest for year 3 now.

Elastamum - DD1's father doesn't have anything to do with DD2. If he is picking DD1 up or dropping her off he might see her very briefly. He might help DD1 choose a present for her at birthdays or Christmas but he doesn't have any real impact on her life. I would be interested to hear from anybody who has a different set up to this. I can't imagine how odd it would be to send both of them off to visit him.

DD1's father and I 'broke up' (if you can even call it that) very amicably after a very short fling and before we realised DD1 had been conceived. I realise reading threads on here and talking to friends with blended families that he is far more mature than most NRP's and I give him credit for this. I think that we have a good co-parenting relationship because neither of us feels resentment towards the other. I certainly do not harbour any regret about not being with him. I nearly fell off the couch when I read those comments!

I think its a good thing that DD's father is very involved in her life. That is how it should be. I don't fault your DP for stating his opinions about the schooling. He has a right to speak them because it will impact the family unit. However, ultimately the final decision rests with you and your ex regarding DD1's education just as the final decision about DD2's and any future children's education rests with you and your DP.

Also for DD1's sake, I hope this discussion is eye-opener for your DP about his somewhat negative feelings towards her. It might have laid dormant or too deep for awhile but now, its in the open. Sometimes, words said, its hard to take back or forget them even if you tried. I know he said its the situation but she is at the heart of the situation. If he resents the situation, then he might come to resent her. Hopefully, he can try to improve his relationship with her or at least become better at hiding his resentment of the "situation".

Good luck and I hope DD1 gets into the private school.

Perplexed - I think you are making excuses for your DP :( I think you should read your own posts again and see how he comes across to us. You said yourself his attitude towards DD1 has got increasingly worse since DD2 was born. He has known your DD1 since she was 1, he has lived with her for almost all of her life and yet he doesn't treat her as his own. You have your DD and you both have DD2 - that's not how it should be :( It really is not hard to play a meaningful part in a childs life, no matter how many adults are in her life- he has no excuse, he lives with her - he's in a prime position to have a meaningful relationship with her he chooses not to & you enable him by doing all the running around for her as if she's a separate entity to your 'family unit' with DD2 :(

I hope you either do as I (and others have suggested) and look at moving so both girls can go to a good state junior school, or you 'allow' DD1's father to pay for the private school.

As for DD2 having a relationship with DD1's father... my friends have a lovely set up, DS's father often brings some kind of small treat for their DD when he picks up DS and from when she was about 4 has occasionally taken her out for the day with DS (he would do it more often, but DS would rather have time away from his little sister!!), she has stayed at his house for the weekend (with DS). He always buys her birthday, easter, christmas presents etc He often spends part of christmas day with them. It works because the ex is a nice bloke and because the DH isn't a twat with an inferiority complex.

Really - read your own posts again and think about whether this is what you really want for both of your girls.

Congrats, Petunia, on being brave enough to come back and face another bombardment of advice!

Is there a less 'posh' school that DD1 could attend so that the differences are not so obvious. Have you met other parents from the proposed school? Some public schools are v snooty and you can feel uncomfortable if you aren't public school yourself or noticeably rich.

Petunia,

I too think you are making excuses for your current DP It is just not fair that your DD1 lives in an environment where her step 'father' is competitive, cold or actively uninterested in her life. I don't think the situation can be improved really, your dp's response shows that he is immature, and as you mentioned, he has been telling you to reduce your attention and time with dd1 (how dare he...especially as dd2 has BOTH parents living with her and gets so much more attention from him than dd1!)

I would think your options are

1. stay with dp and send dd1 to a private boarding school
2. stay with dp and dd1 lives with her dad and sees you on weekends
3. leave dp and let dd1 go to private day school

No matter how nice dp is towards you, he is definitely immature when it comes to your dd1 and she should not have to live with some one who does not have her best interests at heart,

You obviously love your dp and want your life to be with him, and that's fine if that's what you choose to do. But if you are going to do that, you need to ensure that your choice of partner does not have any negative impact on your dd1. It's up to you to do this on your own, because it doesn't sound like dp is going to be very supportive in that, so you will have to work extra hard.

That means that you make the choices that you know will be best for your dd, and you deal with the consequences. Your dd1 shouldn't have to face negative consequences or be denied positive opportunities because of choices you have made for your own relationships.

In calculating the 14K a year for the fees, have you taken account of any sibling discount?

If I remember correctly, your current dp was not to enthusiastic about becoming a stepfather, he doesn't take her to her extra curricular activities - you do that and he's not interested in what she's doing or her achievements. To me, it doesn't sound as if he likes your dd1 let alone loves her as a daughter of the family. It sounds like he merely tolerates her living in the house with what he feels is 'his' family.

I don't agree that dd1's father being in her life detracts from you dp's relationship with her. His relationship may be slightly different as he isn't her father. In short, I think that you're making excuses for his unkind behaviour towards her.

I think that the problems in your family sound more fundamental than the schooling issue and you need to look at these first as they may help you to make your mind up about the schools.

I've been around these boards quite a while now and one of the problems that repeatedly comes up is the situation when a man meets a woman with a child and they are happy until they have a child of their own together. Then things start to go downhill for dc1. By teenage years things are often very bad for dc1 and they are effectively being bullied by their stepfather in their own home. Their dm then posts on the boards asking for advice as to what she should do but then still wants to stay with her dp irrespective of how he treats her dc1. Other posters with direct experience will be able to talk to you a bit more about this.

I think the suggestion that you should ask your ex h to pay dd2's school fees in preposterous and grasping to say the least. Why should he? I know that sometimes stepfathers pay their stepchildren's fees but that's usually when they all live together in the same house as a family. Your ex h is not part of a set up like that.

Perplexed, I know that you didn't suggest that your ex h should pay dd2's school fees, it was someone else that did. Also, well done for coming back to the post, you're very brave but people on here will tell you their opinion on how they see things in a way that friends in rl won't. I don't envy you this difficult situation.

When you worked out that school fees would be 14K per year, remember you'd need to earn about 20K gross to pay for that. A lot of money........

Must be an expensive prep school - I spend about 6K to send 2 of my children to prep (although if I paid full fees it would be 12K - but that is for 2 of them, and including most extras)

Sounds like you need to find a different state junior school for both DDs.

I really really wish that people weren't giving your DP such a hard time.

It must be hard for him to work out what his role is (Dad yet not a Dad) let alone work out how it fits into a emotive situation like this which would be challenging whether you were still in a relationship with DD2s father and or on your own.

Please do talk to the school directly, a sibling wouldn't be paying full fees and Private schools can very generous with scholarship and bursaries.

You say your DP has asked you to reduce the amount of time you spend with DD1. Why would he do that? Do you focus on her to the exclusion of DD2 when she comes back from a visit to her DH? Do you have to spend a lot of time ferrying her back and forth to after school activities? 3 after school activities and 3 hours every Saturday is a LOT of time away from the family for a 6/7 year old. Either DD2 is being dragged around for no good reason, or she is sitting at home without her DM around and your DP is with her. Your DD1's DF may have had in put into the clubs, but I gather your DP has not, and it is he and DD2 who are feeling the impact here so I can see why he is starting to get more and more upset.

Does the Private school offer a later intake? Some private schools do intakes at ages 7 and 11. If that were the case then maybe you could still send both DD1 and DD2 if they start later you would have more time to save up for it.

I have posted this before, but reading this thread...well some of it to my husband who is a Head of a prep school, he suggests talking to the current head about bursaries for DD2, you would be surprised how many bursaries are there and if the school is a charitable trust, they can/would/may offer dd2 a bursary....it worth pursuing.....

He's had 5/6 years to figure out his relationship with the OP's child. He's already resentful of her after school activities. He said 'he'd never forgive' a child if he and the OP didn't have DD3 over financial issues. Issues prompted by his jealousy.

He sounds like a pathetic excuse for a man.