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Original poster

To be very sad I'll be the odd one out again in my family?

239 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2012 20:35

Continuing from my thread in chat about children's surnames. Had the talk with DP about it and said I would prefer my dcs to have my name, he said absolutely no way, they're having my name, they always take the fathers name (he has his mothers name Hmm) etc.

I just feel really down now. I did try and stand my ground and said it's up to me and since we aren't married they could have mine and change to his once we marry, he again said no.

I had a different name from all my family as my parents separated and never married, mother married stepfather and my brother was born.

I guess I'll be the odd one out again :(

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 10/05/2012 11:22

Angel, your children get their roots as much from you as they do their fathers - the last name you choose, has no bearing on that.

As for all this crap about last male in the line and therefore having to carry a name on - times are changing. A woman can give her own name to her dc, who could, in turn, pass it on to their dc. Not all people will have children - if you have a son and a daughter, it could well be your daughter who has dc and is in a position to pass down her name, and not your son. And why is it more important to carry on the male name and not the female one anyway?

My dh got his name from his dad, who was adopted by his own stepfather. How many of our names are really ours anyway?

Ephiny · 10/05/2012 11:23

I wanted us to be married before trying for a baby. Wouldn't judge anyone who did differently, but for me it just seemed right to make that public/official committment to each other first. DP isn't bothered which order we do things in, but was happy to agree to get married first as it was important to me.

We still might give the child my name though! To me that's a separate issue, you can name your child (and yourself) whatever you want, regardless of your marital status.

Ephiny · 10/05/2012 11:30

One of the reasons actually for me keeping and passing on my name is that it'll probably be the 'end' of my family name otherwise, since neither of my brothers are likely to have a child, and my cousin took her husband's name. It was actually DP who suggested this as a reason - his family name has already been passed on to the next generation via a brother and male cousin.

I don't personally have strong feelings about all that 'family name' stuff, and don't really mind which name we use. But it means a lot to me that DP would consider mine and my family's feelings and wishes like that. If he was stamping his foot and demanding to have it all his own way no matter what, we'd probably be in a situation like the OP.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 10/05/2012 11:36

Karma I am not saying they dont get their roots from mothers also. What I was saying was when My ds1 Father left me when my ds was 6 months old I had no intentions of changing his name to mine and had no regrets having My ex on his Birth certificate. He still has his Dad's surname and I'm glad he does. it is part of him and he has every right to know this. I am speaking from experience as how hurt I was when I found out my Mum had changed my name by deed poll when I was young. I still have the dreaded step dad name now and I hate it. Yes I could change it but I will do that once I am married and I certainly will not be changing any of my DC's names to match mine.

NagooIsBuildingAnArk · 10/05/2012 11:40

OP all you have to remember is that it not his decision, it's yours. He can't register the DC without you.

snappysnappy · 10/05/2012 11:41

In unmarried families I know, the children have taken the fathers name. Although I do know families whereby the parents split and the childs name was changed

titfortat · 10/05/2012 11:41

But not all mothers will make a good, unbiased decision. Especially with regards to a split. But that does not mean that the man is a rubbish father because he no longer loves the mother.

I just think it is very saddening that I have to sign a paper to give the father of our children, parental responsibility. Shouldn't be that way, at all. Both of you wanted and brought the child into the world and unless they are absolute knobbers, BOTH should be ADULTS and work together in coming to a mutual decision. That is what partnerships are all about, working with each other, loving each other and respecting each other, is it not?

snappysnappy · 10/05/2012 11:44

Again can I ask why if 2 people feel so strongly double barrelled isnt being considered.

Apologies if this was answered and I didnt pick it up

NagooIsBuildingAnArk · 10/05/2012 11:57

the DP is already double barrelled IIRC Snappy.

AThingInYourLife · 10/05/2012 11:57

" That is what partnerships are all about, working with each other, loving each other and respecting each other, is it not?"

Where is the love and respect in browbeating your pregnant partner into giving the child your name rather than hers?

Answer: nowhere

You are demanding the OP does the impossible - compromise with someone who is refusing to compromise.

Her options are
1 allow herself to be pushed around
2 stand up for herself

Giving in to someone who is being an unreasonable prick is not going to mean a happy life for her or her baby.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 10/05/2012 12:02

I think your partner is behaving like an idiot. Just give them your name!

fedupofnamechanging · 10/05/2012 12:04

OP, he could pick one of his last names and double barrel it with yours. It's not your fault that he already has a double barrelled name. Perhaps the act of having to choose one to 'give up' when naming his child, might make him see how hard it would be for you to give up your name.

He really should consider choosing one of his names, to combine with yours, otherwise there is no compromise from him at all.

picnicbasketcase · 10/05/2012 12:06

If you're not married, you both have to be present to register the birth. Go on your own and name them what you want.

Yummymummyyobe1 · 10/05/2012 12:13

My DP and I double-barreled our LO name. If you marry you will have to register baby anyway as there is an offical chanage to the certificate. Our double-barreled surname looks quite smart written down and also means that both of our family names are included. xx

helpyourself · 10/05/2012 12:13

How can you say he's being stubborn? You are too!

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 10/05/2012 12:14

No, she's saying 'I would prefer' and he's saying 'no way'.

There's no reason to give your children the surname of a man to whom you are not married unless you want to.

titfortat · 10/05/2012 12:18

And she also said that he will talk rationally about this, and also said that he said it in a joking way. Just because OP is hormonal and took the conversation more seriously than him at that given time, does not mean he is browbeating her FFS Hmm

She has said herself he is not the guy you lot are making him out to be.

Nevertooearlyforcake · 10/05/2012 13:25

I think you are both being equally stubborn, it just sounds like a stalemate to me. My name means a lot to me, I'm married but there was no way I was changing it. My kids have my DH's surname and they both have my name as a second middle name. I wouldn't change my DCs names in response to a change in circumstance (unless something extreme happened) so I think the idea of them having your name until you get married then changing it sounds a bit odd, unless they are still really young by then you should ask them if they want to.

bronze · 10/05/2012 13:38

Yay Karma someone saying the same as me
(and more likely to get listened to too )

LisaMed · 10/05/2012 13:38

If you are not married but have a child together make sure all legals etc are in place.

Wills, pension entitlement, next of kin death benefit, right to live in property after one dies, poa, joint accounts, names on deeds etc. Lots of horror stories about women who have been with a man for @ twenty years, but have no right to bury him and are thrown out of house etc.by legal next of kin ie parents.

DuelingFanjo · 10/05/2012 14:13

Why not change your name to his by deed poll, then you will all have the same name?

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 10/05/2012 14:24

fanjo that has been discussed already and people pointed out that it does not solve the problem....why should she? She wants to get married...

snappysnappy · 10/05/2012 14:36

To be honest someone somewhere is going to have to compromise. Personally I would weigh up the importance to me and the whether or not its worth the conflict.
When it comes to relationships you have to choose your battles - you cant win all the time so you have to decide if this is worth the trouble.
Using 1 of his names and yours to create a double barrell is a halfway option and if you both cant agree to this well then I really dont know what you can agree on !

Shakirasma · 10/05/2012 14:38

My DSD is in exactly the same position as you were as a child OP.

When she was born she was given her mothers name. Then her parents split up (never married) and her mum did marry another man. They now have a DS who has their married name.

Her dad married me and we have a DD and DS with our married name.

So she now does not have the same name as either of her parents, or a single one of her siblings.

If she had been given her dads name when she was born, she would always have had a name tie to half of her family instead of being one on her own.

If it bothered you so much as a child, why risk it for your DC?

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 10/05/2012 14:40

I am not being as stubborn, I am willing to compromise as I said baby can have my name and when we get married we (baby and me) will change our name to his. Does that sound fair?!

OP posts: