To be very sad I'll be the odd one out again in my family?

[chipsandmushypeas]

Continuing from my thread in chat about children's surnames. Had the talk with DP about it and said I would prefer my dcs to have my name, he said absolutely no way, they're having my name, they always take the fathers name (he has his mothers name ) etc.

I just feel really down now. I did try and stand my ground and said it's up to me and since we aren't married they could have mine and change to his once we marry, he again said no.

I had a different name from all my family as my parents separated and never married, mother married stepfather and my brother was born.

I guess I'll be the odd one out again :(

Actually nobody has to compromise, what your child is called is your decision and there is nothing he can do about that.

Do not back down from this. If you allow him to get his own way by bossing you around and laughing at you, you will have a very unhappy life together.

Chips I'm afraid it sounds like you are using the name thing to in a way blackmail your partner.

A thing All this your decision, your child ......... She is in a relationship with this man and life involves compromise

I think that you are being more than fair OP.

I must confess though that I did give DS DH's name for 3 reasons

1. it was a 'nicer' name
2. I knew we would get married and that I would choose to take DH's name
3. DH got the same mardy cob on as your DP.

Well I'm definitely not blackmailing him, sorry snappy

I'm not that bloody desperate to get marred

Yes, life involves compromise and not just for women.

This bullying twat is about to learn that if you won't compromise with the person who actually holds the power, you won't get your way.

PMSL @ "blackmail"

Yes, OP - if you aren't a complete doormat for this man, if you ever do anything to displease him, that is just trying to force him to marry you to get his way!

Why are woman always made out to be desperate to get married? I haven't once in this read said I'm desperate for marriage. I said he doesn't discuss it as much as I would like but did say he had been thinking about it. I wouldn't mind waiting a couple of years as I'm still young. Jeez

chips You have said numerous times that marraige is your comprimise!!

I'm afraid thats how it reads to me. I am an equal partner in our relationship but sometimes I do compromise as does my DH.
Athing What power does the partner of the OP have, as many posters have pointed out the OP can call her baby whatever she wants.
If you are referring to marriage, well the OP has cleared that up.

I'm sorry Chips but you asked for an opinion and that is mine.

Chips, stick to your plan.I had the exact same situation with a moody stubborn ex.
Fast forward to now, said ex has never laid eyes on my child & thank god I stuck with my guns and my child has my name and the family that loves and surround's him's name

Well it's wrong :)

I haven't said to him it doesn't matter what he says, I'm giving dc my name, he was the one saying over and over that it will have his. I was trying to come up with ideas: no. I said how about it gets my name firs then we can change after: no.

Oh FFS (again)

OP, why aren't you defending this man, who you apparently love and want to marry? Why are you allowing all these women to call him controlling, a twat etc?

And to everything else, the hypocrisy is literally laughable.

"He is browbeating you" "The bullying twat" etc

Then next breathe

"Stand your ground" "Don't let him win" "Tell him no" "He don't even have to be on the birth certificate" etc etc.

Pot kettle black?

Because amongst all of that, there is a lot of good advice tit I feel I'm defending myself more than him tbh!

Maybe so, but wanting his child to have his name so much, does not make him a bullying, controlling twat anymore than it makes you one for feeling the same way and being just as adamant.

I am deeply saddened by how women treat and belittle men. They may as well be just a sperm donor. Be seen, but not heard because after all, who cares. We have the rights, so lets throw it in their faces and abuse the rights

By the way OP, that last bit wasn't aimed at you. Just to those who appear to have serious issues with men.

Why were you asking him like it's his decision? You feel strongly too and fair enough, somebody has to compromise. But you should have a discussion about it first! Maybe you know that though, because you've started this thread?

There are people in the world who don't know the difference between being a bully and sticking up for yourself when you are being bullied.

They tend to be the parents who come into school complaining when another pupil finally stands up to their bullying child.

You really don't need to listen to people like that.

It is not unreasonable to suggest your children should have your name. It is not bullying or browbeating to expect your wishes to be taken seriously.

It is very unreasonable to tell your partner that your child will be given your name because you are a man, and to mock them when they try to find an agreeable compromise.

Once someone becomes disrespectful if your wishes, it is very important to stick up for yourself.

My children have my husband's name. If he had treated my name, my family, my feelings as unimportant and worthy of mockery, that would not be the case.

You can't compromise with someone who is trying to trample over your wishes. You can only give in.

And teach them that pushing you around is effective in getting what they want.

TitforTat I agree. THe OP doesnt seem to see it, but she is being just as adament as her partner. That sort of behaviour from both is not helpful.

Chips FWIW if you want a good relationship with your DP then learn together how to compromise.

Okay, so how does the OP compromise?

She can a)agree to change name to his after marriage or b)double barrel the name.

Other than that, what else is there?

She could change her name by deed poll?

The only "compromise" I have noticed she has put forward and stuck to, is that they will all share his name once married.

Whoever suggest double barrelled names had a good idea. Neither parent should kick up over that. It is a fair compromise.

But to brand names around making out to be a rotten barsteward is far fetched.

Karma If they both feel strongly about this I think one of each names is a compromise - for both, not just the OP.

If the OP is confident that they will marry then surely the child sharing her name for a short period of time is of little consequence?

However if this is tied up in the marriage question well then that is completely different. He wont marry the OP so the child has his name and frankly I wouldnt want to be with a Man who wouldnt marry me.

But that's not a compromise - that's giving him all his own way and then changing hers just so she isn't left out. There's no recognition in that, that her own name is important to her or worth carrying on.

Exactly, I've tried to compromise, he hasnt. If we discuss again and he does the same thing, then I will just give them my name as he's being unfair not discussing how I feel or what's important to me.

Changing your name by deed poll to the name of a man who won't marry you just so you get to have the same name as your children is not compromise, it's utter, abject capitulation.

Why shouldn't he change his name by deed poll?

Well I think the OP should be grateful for a start that the Father WANTS the child to have his name... How many Men get women pregnant and want NOTHING to do with the baby?