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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be furious about dd's hair cut?

481 replies

Hockacholic · 08/05/2012 10:22

7 year old dd went to play at a friends house yesterday. Dd had long bum length hair but when she got dropped home friends mum (a hairdresser) had cut dd's hair into a shoulder length bob! I didn't see the mum as she just dropped dd at the door and she came in on her own. I am so upset dd had never had her hair cut it was lovely, I know I can't do any thing about it now and dd is happy with her new hair style. AIBU to think friends mum should have spoken to me about this first?

OP posts:
HillyWallaby · 09/05/2012 09:22

I have no idea Seeker and I suppose it's one of those things that does not have a definitive answer, but I'd be amazed if any hairdresser would agree to do something that drastic (or anything at all really) to a 7 year old who pitched up with thirty quid in her pocket and no adult present!

I see your point though, and we should perhaps have more definitive answers on these things. It's the same as there is no age at which it is too young to allow your child to play outside in a public space, unsupervised, or to walk to school alone (irrespective of how potentially dangerous the journey might be) but bizarrely there is a minimum age at which it is deemed safe to leave your children at home unsupervised for any length of time. Surely it is safer at home than on the street? Confused

Going to Sainsbury's for two hours and leaving a 10 year old watching TV and eating crisps on the sofa with a mobile phone in his hand for emergencies? Not On.

Letting a five year old play out on the busy street and go to the park full of winos and druggies and dangerous weapon dogs half a mile away for an entire day, with no phone for emergencies? No problem.

Anyway, I digress....

seeker · 09/05/2012 09:24

No, I mean the 7 year old. Sorry, unlikely to happen, I realise! But my ds did when was 9 with a picture he had printed off the internet. If he hadn't had to ask for the money, he might well have not told me. Should I have been furious with him?

LittleJennyRobyn · 09/05/2012 09:35

How many of you that dont think this is a big deal would take it upon themselves to cut another childs hair without parental permission??

Bearing in mind that the child only went on a playdate and this woman is not actually a close friend.

This is what i cant get my head round. The fact that she is a hairdresser is neither here nor there. She had no right to cut that wee girls hair without at least consulting the parent.

My DD had very long hair until last year, she had expressed an interest in getting it cut into a short bob. We discussed it together and looked at various styles and lengths. She changed her mind so many times before actually getting it done. I had to make sure she really wanted it and wasn't doing it because her friends had similar cuts. Even when the hairdresser was here both she and i made sure that this was what DD wanted as i would take a very long time to grow back.

This is what parents do.

If someone had made the decision to cut my DD's hair without me having the chance to actually discuss it with her first....then i'd be bloody furious and wouldn't hesitate to let them know it.

it's not on.

CeliaFate · 09/05/2012 09:50

I wouldn't even paint the nails of another child or allow them to do it unless their Mum had told me it was ok, let alone cut their hair.
I do think children should have a degree of autonomy over their clothes and hair; it's a good introduction to giving them choices and independence.
But to allow that freedom is a parent's decision to make, not the parent of their friend.

D0oinMeCleanin · 09/05/2012 09:50

But Jenny everyone has said that the other mother should have checked first, it's just a lot of us would be not be furious about it.

She should have checked, yes. But it is not worth getting furious over and certainly not worth consulting a solicitor over fgs. Nor is it akin to permanatly altering the child with piercings or endangering it's life by taking it for a spin up the M1 on the back of a motorbike. It is just a haircut. It will grow. It did not nor will it in the future cause the child any physical harm.

I wonder what planet some people live on sometimes.

HillyWallaby · 09/05/2012 09:57

Not with him Seeker, no, but with the adult who would have cut it. (although in the case of boys of around 10 and upwards I think barbers are used to seeing them come in with a tenner stuffed in their hand and a request for a short back and sides. If their hair is already short and they have the money it's a safe bet they have their parents' approval too.)

I did go back and complain to a barber once because DS who was about 15 asked for some money to go, and I told him he was not to get it shaved too short all one length all over. Guess what he came out with? He was adamant he hadn't asked for it that short, and the barber was adamant she'd checked with him that it was ok with his parents/school to clipper cut it very short, and he'd said yes. Hmm they both blamed lack of clarity on the part of the other.

But at 15 I agree there is not much I could do except sigh and roll my eyes and swear under my breath. how would you have felt if your son's friend had done that to him at 9? Not thrilled I imagine.

HillyWallaby · 09/05/2012 09:59

son's friend's mum, obviously. Grin

seeker · 09/05/2012 10:24

Yes she should have checked.

But at what age is a child allowed to be responsible for the own hair? People seem to be saying that they still should have power of veto at 14/ 15. That's really odd, isn't it?

HoneyDragonWearingLederhosen · 09/05/2012 10:30

I think the one thing that all the opposing view points and opinions on this thread has made be realise, is exactly how much I want a big bag of chips with lashings of salt and vinegar.

helpyourself · 09/05/2012 10:40

I reckon she sold the hair...

D0oinMeCleanin · 09/05/2012 10:40

Dd1 (8) has had control of pretty much every aspect of appearance since she showed an interest in taking control.

Obviously there are rules. Clothes must be age appropriate, fit for puropse and within whatever budget she has been given for the occassion. She is not allowed to chemically alter her hair or make any permanant changes such as piercings or tattoos. I have overall say. Although equally I would not buy something she hated just because I like it.

Other than that it is upto her. She wears which clothes she likes and has her hair how she likes.

Although I didn't bother with any waiting periods or making sure she was sure when she asked for her tatty, waist length hair to be cut like Jessie J's. It was more a case of "Great stuff, print off a picture and I'll take you right now. Do you want to go to where you usually or to my hairdresser again?" because it was doing my nut in trying to brush it every morning. She didn't regret it but has decided to grow it again Sad

seeker · 09/05/2012 10:50

I had forgotten the fact that we'd never found out what's so bad about salt and vinegar!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/05/2012 10:51

everyone has said that the other mother should have checked first, it's just a lot of us would be not be furious about it.

Exactly, D0oin.

D0oinMeCleanin · 09/05/2012 10:53

My babysitter once told me vinegar dries your blood Hmm. Took me a long time to eat chips with salt and vinegar again after that pearl of wisdom was imparted upon my impressionable 8 yo self.

Perhaps the poster who mentioned the vinegar had the same babysitter as me?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/05/2012 10:53

According to one of the toothpaste adverts on TV (almost certainly presented by an expert), vinaigrette is bad for teeth. And we all know that children and slugs alike shrivel up if exposed to the salt shaker. Maybe that's it?

OrmIrian · 09/05/2012 10:55

I thought you were being optimistic last night jenai about 'no frothing'. This is MN after all...

Thumbwitch · 09/05/2012 10:57

Oh I missed the salt and vinegar gem! Salt - yes, I get it - vinegar?? what's the issue with vinegar? Confused

NaCl (salt) + CH3COOH (acetic acid/vinegar) isn't going to produce methane, I don't think - it's going to produce Sodium acetate (CH3COONa) and hydrochloric acid (HCl)

CeliaFate · 09/05/2012 11:02

I thought the salt and vinegar thing was a piss take. Being faux outraged at something so innocuous?

LittleJennyRobyn · 09/05/2012 11:06

Dooin It's not something i could happily shrug off initially. Yes i would get over it eventually as once it's done it's done.

But i do agree with everything else you say though, going to a solicitor is a bit over the top. It will grow back and you are right, it is certainly no comparison for the other things you mentioned.

My DD Is 9 and my appraoch to her is very similar to yours. I agreed to get dd's hair cut (it was a nightmare to brush also) but she needed to be sure it's what she wanted as she changes her mind so often.

She has been asking me to get her ears pierced on and off for about 2 years now. I have no problem with this if she wants it done but it's the same, she does one minute but changes her mind in the next. So would rather put it off until she's older. She may never have them done but it's got to be her decision.

Thumbwitch · 09/05/2012 11:11

LittleJenny - good plan to put off the ear piercing thing - I remember asking my Mum when I was around 9-10, she said wait until you're 13 (or possibly even 16, but I think it was 13 - long time ago!!) By the time I got there I was completely revolted by the idea and have never had them done.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/05/2012 11:12

Do you think, Celia? Blush

In which case apologies, Tugboat.

NoMoreMarbles · 09/05/2012 11:16

Angry I would definitely have words!!

My DHs nan cut DDs hair when she was 6 months oldAngry I found out the next day (I had been in work) when DH saw the trimmings in a little bag in the kitchen of her house. I was very annoyed but at the end of the day her hair grew back and it helped set the bar for the boundaries DHs nan needed me to set.

Speak to her and tell her the decision for anything related to your DD lies with you as her mother. She is 7 and whilst she is allowed input the final decision is yours. She doesn't understand the finality of cutting all her hair off at this age. My DD is 6.5 yo and wanted a fringe one day and long hair the next like it would grow overnight. I have the final say in her haircuts.

LittleJennyRobyn · 09/05/2012 11:20

I think this may well be the case Thumb

She started asking because some of her school friends have thiers done, but i think the realisation of what happens when they pierce your ears hits home is putting her off.

She is a bit Squeamish!!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2012 11:30

I detest the term 'bum length hair', it makes me think of the ends dangling in the toilet...

I can understand why the OP is angry but it's all about control, isn't it? Somebody else putting their 'stamp' on your child? It's nothing new under the sun.

I think that the way OP handles this now is all important - if the child feels able to check with their mum in future without fear of, "No. Now what's the question?", then so much the better.

If I were in OP's position, I'd say something about being disappointed and that it would have been nice to be notified at least, by the person cutting the hair.

I would also want the hair back - and straight to a cancer charity with it.

Pandemoniaa · 09/05/2012 12:00

It's not about control, is it? It's about not expecting your 7 year old to come back from a friend's house with their appearance radically altered. I'm sure the OP would have been fine with a quick call to check that she was happy for her dd to have her hair cut. I wouldn't send a child home covered in make up or nail varnish unless I'd known this was OK. It doesn't take a great deal of confirmation, does it?

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