to think DP is being an arse?

[revolutionconfirmed]

We both quit smoking yesterday due to financial concerns and health concerns as we have two young children. He quit cold turkey and is doing fine. I was on 40+ rollies a day and am finding it difficult so I'm using Nicorette patches and the inhaler.

DP tells me he doesn't support me and that I'm weak. He says how can we afford to buy inhaler cartridges and patches if we can't afford to smoke. I say it's less than half what we usually spend on tobacco and if it helps me stay off them it's worth it. He's now in a great big mood telling me I'm weak and stupid and he won't support me because I may as well go out and buy tobacco for the amount I'll spend on replacements and that in his mind I'm still smoking.

DP has no job. I support him and I've bought all the tobacco knowing that we couldn't afford it for two years. Now it's come to a head and I've decided we have to stop for various reasons and he's yelling about it. He wants to quit too and says he has no side effects because he's not weak but is blastering on about money when if I bought tobacco knowing we couldn't afford it he'd happily smoke that and tell me to give up coffee or something else.

I'm feeling so unsupported. He said he won't congratulate someone so weak on two days 'clean' or three days. I think twenty one hours without a cigarette is a damn good feat for someone who hasn't gone more than a waking hour without one in seven years, patch or no patch.

AIBU to tell him to support me or fuck off?

You are doing really well :)

You could see if your gp practice has a smoking cessation counsellor for you to access? I didn't use this service when I quit but I have subsequently worked in the service and now realise how much easier I could have made it for myself! I particularly like the carbon monoxide machine that you blow into and get a reading of how much or little CO is in your body. It's a very tangible sign of your success. It's good to have someone on your side too- willing you on to succeed.

It is difficult giving up together as the chances of you both being at the same stage in the process of wanting to change is not very high. Just focus on this being your quit and do whatever you need to do to make it happen. He can focus on his own attempt.

Things like a getting up and straight into the shower is good- a lot of it is about changing the behaviours that you associated with smoking. So sometimes people quit tea or coffee too as they link a cuppa with a fag.

Good luck.

Keep on keeping on... it really is a one day at a time thing.

If I quit my coffee addiction too, I may actually die.

I'm making a roast dinner, something I rarely do as it takes so much time and planning (for me as a beginner cook, it does!) so I guess that's a change and it'll keep me focused.

I'll definitely look in to a cessation advisor. I was thinking of calling up the helpline as they have information on clinics and sessions too.

" I have a mucusy cough though. Is this normal? Like bringing up all the crap?"
Absolutely normal, and a sign that your lungs are starting to fully function again.

Lungs are an internal organ, but with a direct connection to the external world; so they have to be able to protect themselves by self-cleaning. They also have to be moist, as the oxygen we breathe in essentially dissolves its way into our bloodstream. So, they create mucus to coat all the airways, and any crap we breathe in (dust, bacteria etc) becomes trapped in it, preventing it from reaching the lung tissue. The surface of all the airways are also covered in tiny little hair-like structures called cilia, which are continually waving back and forth. The effect of this is that the 'used' mucus (and its trapped crap) is wafted gently out of the lungs, up the airways and we then unconsciously swallow it and our stomach acid kills all the crap and reabsorbs the moisture. All very efficient! But elements of cigarette smoke paralyse the cilia, so no wafting occurs and the trapped crap stays in the lungs (and there is more mucus in the lungs than is optimal). Your mucusy cough means your cilia are back in action, and your lungs are undergoing a bit of a spring clean! Once they get back on top of their normal maintenance routine, you'll just swallow the regular mucus without realising, and the mucusy cough will stop.

Think of it like an ironing pile the iron hasn't been waved over for a while - there's a backlog to clear, but the cilia will just get quietly on with the job, as long as they aren't paralysed again by you smoking.

Thanks for that WhereYouLeftIt. I briefly remember the cilia and it's job from biology but barely! Glad to know this is normal.

My family are very proud of me too. My grandfather and greatgrandma especially. My grandfather gave up six years ago this year after my nan died and has never looked back. I'm glad I can do him proud.

You don't have to give up your coffee- don't worry. You might not like it as much though as your taste buds begin to come back to life or you might decide it sets off your cravings too much for the moment.

I used to find fizzy water was good when I had a craving 'cos the bubbles washed my palate and helped clear the "taste" I had for a cigarette.

Your cough is good, as Where said , it's your lungs beginning to work again :) That's another good reason to see a cessation support counsellor, they will be able to talk you through all these things and reassure you.

I found the more things I could get through without smoking then it was a victory for me, a milestone. Smoking doesn't calm you down or help you cope; in fact physiologically it makes you more anxious; so you need to learn new rules for coping when you would have turned to a fag.

And you can do that- it's not easy at times but neither is it rocket science. Take stock of what you did last time you stopped and what triggered it off and made you smoke again and be mindful of those triggers if you can. Cravings come in waves and last about 15 mins each so try and tackle each one with the mindset that it will go away of it's own accord; and it's not going to kill you while it's there.

How awful! Does he not even care about your health at all?

He now says ?Do what you have to do but I don't see the point. You're not quitting, you're just substituting cigarettes for nicotine?. Ugh.

I KNOW THAT BUT I AM QUITTING. STOP MAKING IT SOUND SO EASY.

The nicotine replacement is only temporary - you won't be using it for ever. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Don't give up!!

His response to that was ?It's just another addiction to quit, even if the inhalator is empty. I mean, you're still going to use it?

He REALLY isn't getting it.

so...is he waiting for you to say "oh sod it, this is too hard, Im going to buy some tobacco"

At which point he will say "well if you're starting again, you leave me no choice, I will have to start again. "

Makes you the bad guy.

Ignore the pillock, he is angry because you have made his stop smoking which he doesnt actually want to do. He is being a grumpy petulant child.

You on the other hand are doing fantastically well, you should be proud of yourself.

You're doing fucking brilliant OP .... I really admire your determination. I've never smoked myself so can't really appreciate how hard it is but I've read enough and spoken to enough smokers to know it's very rarely an easy thing to do and takes a huge amount of determination, a certain amount of discomfort in the early days and huge focus on your end goal. As others have said it doesn't matter how you get there so long as that's where you eventually arrive ... and if that means using patches etc for as long as is medically advised then so be it. It's not a competition ... you're doing this for yourself and for your kids - not so you can say to him that your way is "better" (or vice versa) or that either of you can lay claim to fewer cravings or whatever. He's being a total twat because he's turning it into some sort of contest by calling you weak, suggesting you're not doing it "properly" or that you're "wasting" money.

What absolute crap ..... the money you're spending right now is an investment in your future health, and won't be forever. That means that one day, there'll be more money for the whole family to benefit from - so the approach you're taking is an unselfish one.

Sure .... it's well known that nicotone withdrawal often creates irritability, but I think there's more to this than just that. If it was simple irritability he might be snappy, might be slamming a few doors or getting riled over minor things, but here he is putting you down and actively trying to make you feel bad. Why the heck would anyone want to do that, and especially in these circumstances when you're doing something really worthwhile ? ..... errrmmm, because he's bloody well regretting starting this and selfishly, wants you to give in, so he can then feel better about having a fag himself. No doubt that would then be your fault - not his of course, oh no - because you tempted him with the smell etc. For your kids' sake I hope I'm wrong and I hope he too does succeed in giving up permanently but I wouldn't be surprised if he lapses quite soon. Something just doesn't add up about his attitude and I think he's being very snide in trying to set you up for a fall.

OP .... I know it can't be easy but try to ignore him. Channel all the anger you feel at his childish goading into proving him wrong - which he is - ultimately, he can't make you do what you don't want to do. Just keep doing what you're doing and if you need any reassurance that you're doing the right thing, and doing fantastically well, come back here and you'll get it in spades.

P.S: if you can afford to do so, put the money you're saving by not buying tobacco aside so you can treat yourself to a well deserved treat once you feel you've beaten smoking once and for all. Maybe treat the kids too but he can go to hell if he's still being such an arse by then.

I'm using this as my support network as the children are too young to understand and he's not really helping. I hope he doesn't relapse but if he does he can't buy tobacco/smoke inside the house anway so good luck to him on that one.

I will not go back. As much as I'd like to have a cigarette, knowing it's been more than 48 hours makes me think twice. I'd just go back to square one and do it all again. Cigarettes aren't worth that!

Personally, I found splitting the addictions and dealing with them one by one worked best for me. First I dealt with the urge to smoke (for used patches for several weeks), then I dealt with the nicotine addiction. They were each hard to crack. Together they seemed too much. Separately they were something I could handle.

And cigs contain 100s of chemicals. You're giving up all those. You're also giving up increased risk of lung cancer, emphysema, heart disease etc. And being stinky. Even if you never gave up nicotine, you've still made yourself a hell of a lot healthier and increased your life span simply by using patches/inhalator instead of cigs.

And saved around £35!

revolution - Bloody well done!

Brilliant that you've got this far. Your DP is being an arse (as you already know). I hope it's only because he's also suffering.

Keep it up and keep coming back to tell us about it.

£35 in two days? I know you started this because you need to pay pay bills but £35 in two days is over £6,000 a year. That's quite an incentive :) Even if it all gets eaten up by other obligations right now, eventually you'll be on a more even keel and that money will be free to spend on all sorts of things...

Well done to keep it up! :)

I can't help myself... VIVE LA REVOLUTION!!!

Well done on no more cigarettes. And remember, you aren't giving up, you have given up.

Almost 72 hours! 71 at the moment...

DP is still an arse. We had an argument earlier and I honestly thought we were going to end it! It's like being drunk, the truth comes out about all the annoying shit! He's upstairs sulking now while I watch cBeebies with the children before bed but we're still together.

I love this not smoking but I hate it just the same. I haven't caved with all the drama which I thought I would have. I'm proud of myself for that!

The first 72 hours is bloody awful. However, now I have been smoke-free for a few years, it is so easy. No worrying about where the money comes from, do I have enough smokes, can I smoke where I'm going. It is all so easy.

I don't know if this helps but when I was quitting, i used this thought... George Clooney turns up and wants to whisk me away on a romantic weekend in Bora Bora. And all I can think is, where are my cigarettes and lighter?

Did you lapse at all MrsTerryPratchett or was it first time smooth sailing?

Total respect for anyone who quits - am giving your DP the benefit of the doubt and putting his being an arse down to missing his cigs

Stick at it OP - the health and financial benefits for you and your family are immeasurable!

This is the worst part OP.
After the first few days it does get easier.
I didn't lapse under I got to 18 months , and that is because I thought I could 'just have one'.
I'm still smoking.

Yey 3 days RC- bloody fantastic :)
Be careful about over stressing yourself when arguing with your other half......it maybe that he wants you stressed enough to reach for a cig.
Keep it up, I'll be checking again tomorrow lol well done xx

I'll be checking in. I need all the help I can get!