to think DP is being an arse?

[revolutionconfirmed]

We both quit smoking yesterday due to financial concerns and health concerns as we have two young children. He quit cold turkey and is doing fine. I was on 40+ rollies a day and am finding it difficult so I'm using Nicorette patches and the inhaler.

DP tells me he doesn't support me and that I'm weak. He says how can we afford to buy inhaler cartridges and patches if we can't afford to smoke. I say it's less than half what we usually spend on tobacco and if it helps me stay off them it's worth it. He's now in a great big mood telling me I'm weak and stupid and he won't support me because I may as well go out and buy tobacco for the amount I'll spend on replacements and that in his mind I'm still smoking.

DP has no job. I support him and I've bought all the tobacco knowing that we couldn't afford it for two years. Now it's come to a head and I've decided we have to stop for various reasons and he's yelling about it. He wants to quit too and says he has no side effects because he's not weak but is blastering on about money when if I bought tobacco knowing we couldn't afford it he'd happily smoke that and tell me to give up coffee or something else.

I'm feeling so unsupported. He said he won't congratulate someone so weak on two days 'clean' or three days. I think twenty one hours without a cigarette is a damn good feat for someone who hasn't gone more than a waking hour without one in seven years, patch or no patch.

AIBU to tell him to support me or fuck off?

Unless he's normally a prick, I'd put his behaviour down to the fact that he's quitting smoking, which makes you turn into a hateful monster.

I agree with skiving too. Don't give in OP

Well done you for quitting! Life after tobacco is brilliant, I'm celebrating 10 years off it this year, and have never looked back :) You are doing super well, especially as the kind of situation you are describing can hardly be making it easier for you. I'm rooting for you, and will send positive life-affirming vibes!

My advice?

Keep the patches/whatever and lose the DP.

It's your money if he's not working so why shouldn't you spend it?

He sounds like an arse.

And if a person loves you they don't call you stupid or 'weak'. Ever. It's just not on.

fook him, and id say he is not coping if he is taking his addiction out of you, which he is, by covering it up by him going cold turkey, id also tell him, id spend MY money as I see fit!!!.

They live together and have two small children and your advice is to 'lose the DP'??

As for the idea of money being the OP's because he's not working....isn't that sometimes known as financial abuse?

RC- your DP is being a huge arse!!! and it's very obvious he's having problems withdrawing, if he accepted your micro tabs or gum it might take the edge off his knob head behaviour.
It does NOT make you weak nor stupid to be using stop smoking aids, it makes you sensible enough to realise that you need a little help to be successful at it.
You say YOU support HIM, so I assume you go out to work and run the house, if this is the case then I would have no problem to tell him (because of his unreasonable attitude towards you) that as you earn the money you have more to say what it is spent on and if that temporarily includes the aids you need to stop, then he can like it or fecking lump it. If he contributed to the household kitty then he could have something valid to say about it.
He can find a part-time job RC, I know many people who work 3/4 days and are at college 3 days of the week.
I agree with the others too get yourself to the GP and see what they can help with.
Good luck with it, keep it up and a big huge well done to you xx

Yes, lose the DP who's calling her stupid and weak.

Isn't that sometimes called emotional abuse?

Yes, he's unreasonable. Get a job if you want to complain about the cost of it! No, you're not weak. Good for you - keep going. You're going to be so proud of yourself!

He's being an arse for calling her 'stupid' and 'weak'

But emotional abuse?

They're both suffering withdrawals here so perhaps a bit of slack needs to be cut?

Has no-one here ever called their DH stupid?

Does he think if you start smoking again he gets to smoke again? As you said you're the sole earner and you quit for cost (amongst other) reasons? And he's picking on the cost of the nicotine replacement therapy?

I quit using patches. You're doing brilliantly. Don't let him wear you down.

He and I have just had a huge bust up (upstairs away from the children). I think we're ok, we just need time to cool off as we're both irritable. I'm sucking on my inhaler like a pro though. Not caving and buying cigarettes yet!

YANBU. He is being an arse.Would he go to the Dr and get some NRT or does he think he's above that and needs to prove he's not "weak" like you, OP? As far as I can see you're doing all you can to kick the fags and he's putting you down for it. Carry on the good work and don't let him crack you!

If using NRT equals weakness then there's a lot of weak people in the world! I'm sure there's proof somewhere that those that go cold turkey are more likely to relapse but I can't remember where I read it.

If you have an iphone there's an NHS stop smoking app which is really good. Good luck!

Well done you, the first 24 hours is always the hardest and the fear of having no cigarettes in the house was m scary when I quit, what if I had an emergency I needed to have a ciggy to cope etc. Stopping smoking was on my to do list before I hit 50, I had smoked since I was 15.

I went into my local chemist and found out that they ran smoking cessation sessions. I had to choose which method I wanted to use....I chose the nicorette spray and topped it up with the inhalator, the plastic ciggy, this was free too. I went to the chemist every Saturday for 12 weeks and was tested for cheating lol.

When the 12 weeks ended I went online and bought an e- cig which is amasing, (plenty of sites out there to choose from).
.
Okay, I do agree that after all this time down the line I still have a nicotine addiction, however I no longer smoke cigarettes and can smell a smoker from 20 yards and my husband and kids are so proud of me, this keeps me going on hard days and there are plenty of them, even now .

I had an inhaler at one point after a chest infection and used to wake up during the night wheeezing. This has gone now and I am no longer breathless or use an inhaler.

It's so worth it, keep going, even if it is with the use of an e cig x

Good luck! You'll feel so much better when you've cracked it OP!

Just one person giving up can be a grumpy as hell, so two people giving up together under the same roof can be a nightmare.

It's difficult to support someone when you're in withdrawal and feeling crabby yourself.

As long as you both realise this and give each other space, you'll be fine.

I'd get out the pictures of blackened lungs and the stats on the % of childern of smokers who go on to be smokers. And tell him that you won't be buying any more tobacco.

He won't use NRT. He says unless you do it cold turkey you're weak and went on to give a list of my failures with my diet/exercise/medication etc.

I don't care if I have to use NRT for months. The fact that I save money, my children aren't breathing in toxins, I don't stink, my house doesn't stink and I'm not sodding off somewhere every ten minutes for a puff is 100% worth it and I've just proved I can do it under stress. 23 hours under my belt feeps good and if DP doesn't support me, more fool him.

Exactly OP!

There's no right or wrong way to give up, as long as you give up.

Plus, I've just put all the rest of my money into my savings account and have no cash so from now until Tuesday I have no access to money without going online and tranaferring it which I'll have time to think about doing.

It should help knowing that I can't get cigarettes even if I wanted one. Everything is in the bin (ashtrays, most lighters as I keep one for candles, rizzlas, filters etc).

Sorry about the mistakes. I'm on my phone and am a bit jittery.

I am guessing he is actually suffering from withdrawal symptoms and that's why he is so short tempered. So don't engage with him. If going cold turkey is best for him so be it. And do it your way

Well done for sticking up to it and carry on!

Well done OP!!

Yes DH is being a massive knobber - he's obviously not doing well is he?! If he wont listen to a reasoned argument then let him go bonkers on his own.

We quit together and I can honestly say there were some points that DH - the love of my life, my beloved, my darling, my reason for living, the kind, the generous blah, blah, was such a huge prick I considered how I could get away with murder...seriously we so close to flouncing out on each other I thought he was the biggest bastard ever and although I thought I was generally doing well apart from a short temper I was probably a prize bitch. He never said anything hurtful like I was being weak or stupid it was shouty, stomping matches about who should have gone and slept on the sofa because someone was snoring like a strangled pig etc. We soon made up.

Keep going you are doing brilliantly - if he wants to suffer the sweats and the shits and feeling like rubbish then it's his price to pay for being so silly. I would def be looking for a properly contrite apology for being so hurtful though!

Well done for quitting.

He is being an arse, if this is a one off then just ignore him. It doesn't matter how you stop and he has no need to get involved in how you decide to do it.

I have never smoked but DH stopped about 8 years ago.

He was a twat twit quite a few times but it was all worth it in the end.

I'm amazed how much difference there is already. The fingers I use to hold the butt usually smell foul and now they smell of nothing but moisturiser. It's spurring me on.

I don't mind if he wants NRT, group therapy, cold turkey...anything to help him as I can't buy tobacco just for him as it defeats the point but I care that he's putting me down, being unsupportive and making me feel like this hell I feel like I'm going through is worthless.

You're doing well so far, don't let your arsehole not-so-dear-partner piss all over that.

I think his nasty behaviour actually proves he is having side effects from quitting- unless he is usually such a cunt to you? My DP was horrible when trying to give up previously. Honestly I nearly left him he was so awful. It was almost a relief when he started smoking again after 2 weeks.