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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to change our plans for one family?

232 replies

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 10:53

DD is about to turn 12 - her party is the weekend after next. She has recently got into the Back to the Future films and wants a few friends over for a "Back to the Future" themed afternoon/early evening (bit retro I know, but that's what she wants!), the main part of which will be watching the first film. That's fine with me, I think the films are entirely appropriate for that age group.

Anyway, one of her friends is from a very strict religious family. There are many things this girl is not allowed to do, including going anywhere on Sundays. Because of this we are having the party on the Saturday, even though Sunday would actually be more convenient as DD has a sports match on Saturday too.

She sent out an invitation a couple of days ago and most have already replied saying they are looking forward to it. The girl from the religious family sent an email last night - she said that although the party sounds fun and she would like to come, her parents (and her apparently) feel that Back to the Future is not an appropriate choice of film and could we change it?

DD is upset - she wants her friend to come but has been looking forward to this for a while now. I told her to think about it and not reply just yet.

What should we do?

OP posts:
thebody · 03/05/2012 14:31

For fucks sake, why don't u lie down and let them wipe dog shit over your face....

sherbetpips · 03/05/2012 14:31

We had one reply to our invites that the film my DS wanted to watch was not appropriate so we made sure that the film was at the beginning of the party and then the food/games where at the end. Their DS joined us after the film. They didnt ask us to change it and frankly the parents have no right to dictate what your child does for the party.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 14:32

Thanks for making me laugh more than I have in weeks!

OP posts:
thebody · 03/05/2012 14:32

Lol Billy great commentary of the film.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 14:34

Yes I would feel more inclined to accomodate them if they had simply declined the invitation but it was a bit cheeky to ask to change it. The message was from the friend though, not the parents.

OP posts:
Groovee · 03/05/2012 14:35

I got annoyed trying to organise my dd's 12th birthday because the one child she wanted there couldn't come one week, then couldn't come the next day. In the end one of her other friends missed it and I was really gutted. Couldn't change it any more. Next year I plan to do it when I want and not when it suits everyone else.

GinPalace · 03/05/2012 14:35

Billy will watch the film anew next time!

GinPalace · 03/05/2012 14:36

ON not in. Can't live IN an edge, not unless it's a very roomy edge but that defeats the whole point of edges doesn't it!? Tcha!!

thebody · 03/05/2012 14:37

You are a very nice person, I wouldn't even have considered changing things and if parents requested to be at a party of young girls I would be extremely suspicious. And them tell dad and mom to fuck off.

BillyBollyBandy · 03/05/2012 14:37

Grin Gin

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 14:40

They haven't requested to be at our party (yet) - I think the response will be that if we don't change the film the friend won't be able to come. They might agree to bring her afterwards, I hope so because dd will be disappointed otherwise.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 03/05/2012 14:45

YANBU in sticking to the original choice of film. I also suspect that other choices would be ruled inappropriate anyway. But do invite your dd's friend over after the film so she gets the chance to enjoy some of the party. Your dd sounds very thoughtful too but you can't let her spoil her party for one girl. Neither, I suspect, do you want the parents haunting a 12 year old's party.

I do have experience of this sort of thing. ds1 & 2 had two friends (brothers) in their respective year groups and once they got into secondary school and wanted DVDs or to go to the cinema for birthdays, whatever film on offer was always vetoed by the mother. Everything was "violent" or had "language", or was in some other way unsuitable. This despite the fact that I (and the other parents in the friendship group) were sensible about what our dcs watched.

In the end we just felt sorry for the lads but came to the conclusion that we couldn't constantly change perfectly reasonable and appropriate choices. So sadly, they missed quite a few parties.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 14:46

I appreciate that it's not black and white - some of dd's friends have seen The Hunger Games for example but we have decided not to let her see it yet as I know she would get freaked out by it. But BTTF?!

OP posts:
Hullygully · 03/05/2012 15:19

I am intrigued by the parents. I wonder if they watch all the films/listen to all the music. Can you imagine their convos as they discuss the suitability?

Or is there a prescribed Mormon list like the Catholics used ot have?

Pandemoniaa · 03/05/2012 15:24

I wonder if they watch all the films/listen to all the music

That always reminds me of Mary Whitehouse when she'd claim "that was the dirtiest programme I've ever seen on TV". I had this vision of her, surrounded by smelling salts, but bearing a clipboard on which she recorded every single minor abomination against her morality.

I used to wonder quite how my dcs's friend's mother was so sure about unsuitability though. I did once ask if she'd seen whichever, harmless, film her children were currently forbidden to see and she told me she didn't need to see it. She just knew. None of this seemed to have any great effect because if it wouldn't out me, I'd tell you precisely what her eldest ds grew up to do for a living. But trust me, a lot of it is far from "suitable" by her standards.

thebody · 03/05/2012 15:29

When I left home at 18 to live in the nurses home all the girls who had been 'strictly' brought up went fucking mental, men booze etc.

If u ban stuff it makes it much more interesting to try and teaches children absolutely nothing.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 15:43

I assume there must be some kind of list, I mean, how could they possibly check everything? For one thing they must be incredibly busy with their hoardes of children.

None of the teenagers have rebelled yet as far as I know. How do they do it? My dcs voice their opinions on everything and have an appropriate amount of freedom and choice imo yet I am still dreading the teenage years.

I used to love the Mary Whitehouse experience! I still have some taped episodes somewhere....

thebody it was the same at my sixth form - the girls from the all-female convent school had slept with half the boys in their class by the end of the first term.

OP posts:
MrsPlugThePlumber · 03/05/2012 15:59

Have only skipped through the thread so apologies if I've missed anything, I just wanted to say that we are a family who attend the LDS Church and we LOVE BTTF.

Personally there are things I don't watch. And I guess I would find out what film was going to be shown if I sent my kids off to someone's house.

If someone gets invited to a Sunday party, we just politely decline. If it does get talked about - I just say we're busy with Church in the morning, and keep the rest of the day for family etc. No-one ever seems to have been offended, and I have never asked someone to reconsider their plans for us. I have no idea whether or not my DS tells people to have their parties on Saturday, though! I suppose this could be the case.

I know that this makes us seem "strict" parents, and perhaps a bit bonkers. But we've decided to teach our kids what we believe, and also that we don't change the things we feel strongly about to suit what's popular. A hard lesson to learn whether it's to do with religion or not, I guess. FWIW, we haven't really had any upset over it yet, but accept the time will come when we let the kids choose for themselves.

Your party sounds ace, by the way :)

MrsPlugThePlumber · 03/05/2012 16:01

..."some kind of list"?!

Arf, no there's no list! Hence the differing of opinions :)

Perhaps it's the 's' word the family disapprove of... that's in there a few times if I remember correctly.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 16:06

Thanks, dd is excited about it.

Surely kids hear the 's' word at school though? My 7yo tells me that we "shouldn't say the f-word should we mum?"

I'm interested in how people with these beliefs manage as dcs get older and surely want to break out a bit? I mean, there are quite a few restrictions aren't there?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/05/2012 16:08

I would be a little worried if my dd was friends with someone who thinks at 12 it is appropriate to ask if a party can be changed to suit her needs and her needs alone - friends should be encouraged to think about each other and other people. This strikes of a sense of entitlement and is rather rude.

I would write back explaining that you are sorry but the party is arranged for all the girls to enjoy and you will be sad if she can't attend but that is her choice, she is welkcome to come along after the film has finished.

NovackNGood · 03/05/2012 16:11

Maybe it's the use of a hovver board as that implies anti gravity is possible and as they all know...gravity is just a theory.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 16:14

Hehe...

The message came from the friend but I sensed parent involvment in the way it was worded. I think DD should reply to her though, I send a separate message to her mum once I've discussed with dd later.

OP posts:
MrsPlugThePlumber · 03/05/2012 16:14

Yes - agree the 's' word is already heard at school etc, was just guessing what their issue with the film might be.

With regard to restrictions - well, they have to make their own choice in the end, but unless we teach them what it is they have to choose between then they can't make an informed decision. We explain the "whys" to our kids, rather than make a blanket list of things not to do.

I know teenagers at Church that have rebelled at the first opportunity, also many who are really happy with their standards.

I don't really consider us to be shockingly different anyway - we don't drink/smoke/take drugs and we watch cheesy wholesome films Wink

MrsPlugThePlumber · 03/05/2012 16:15

PS for the record, Mormons do believe in gravity!!!