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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to change tampon etc in front of DD (2.10)?

315 replies

PatButchersEarring · 03/05/2012 08:25

Genuine question. DD has recently started asking me 'why I'm putting that up my bottom!', and I'm struggling to explain in an age appropriate way what it is I'm doing.

I mentioned this to DP last night, and his response was that I shouldn't really be changing sanitary wear in front of her if I can possibly help it.

I mean, it's not like I frog march her to the bathroom to witness the magic of my menstruation-but if she's trailing after me chatting etc, I just get on with it and do what I have to do in her presence.

AIBU to be doing this in front of her?

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 03/05/2012 12:47

EasilyBored, I don't let my dh see me on the toilet either! It's different as adults have already learnt about shame and embarrassment. Children haven't and I don't want to be the one to teach them such things.

If you don't find it shameful to change tampons in front of them then you do find it embarrassing and whilst I can fully understand that, what you don't want to do is to pass that embarrassment onto your kids.

Yes you can teach them about periods without a real life example, but you would only do so in depth for girls and this doesn't cover what the blood looks like or how much comes out. My two now know this so dd won't get a shock when she starts her and ds will be able to support his future gf, perhaps even buy tampons for her without a trace of embarrassment.

If that happens then I'll consider it a job well done.

Babylon1 · 03/05/2012 12:50

As has been said before, I'm jealous of those that even have the option of visiting the loo without at least 1 DC in tow!!! Grin

Nah, yanbu it's a basic bodily function, it's normal, it's real, and one day she'll be doing this for herself won't she?! X

diddl · 03/05/2012 13:00

"diddl... in letting your children see you this way you are no better than an animal in a zoo. tsk."

Grin

Tbh I think that loss of dignity comes in old age when you can´t do these things for yourself anymoreSad

EasilyBored · 03/05/2012 13:00

I somehow managed not to be freaked out by having my period for the first time, even though I had never seen it first hand from my mum. My parents were pretty open about everything, and I would quite happily chat to my mum while she was on the loo, or in the bath. I still want to use the bathroom in private. Seriously, how much of your life do you feel you have to share with other people?!

Do you leave the door open when you go to a public toilet? Or is it only ok to not be ashamed of your bodily functions infront of your family?

halcyondays · 03/05/2012 13:03

I think it's personal preference there's no right or wrong? I have changed sanitary towels in front of my dds but if using tampons prefer to do this in peace rather than have a 3 year old pulling on my leg while I'm trying to put them in.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 03/05/2012 13:03

didn't we establish that it was a continuum, EB?

EasilyBored · 03/05/2012 13:04

We teach our children not to be ashamed of their naked bodies, whilst also teaching them that there are parts of them that are private and that there are appropriate times to be naked and appropriate times to wear clothes. Same with using the toilet, you teach them where it's appropriate to have a wee or poo. I just don't see how it's different to teach them that yes, women have periods and use sanitary products, but yes it's also OK to want to change them in private?

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 03/05/2012 13:06

true... except how does it come up in conversation if they've never seen you do it?

StrawberrytallCAKE · 03/05/2012 13:06

I think surely it's just a personal preference and shouldn't be judged by others as no one is really being unreasonable in this instance. What will a child miss from not seeing their dmum bleeding?

I ask dd to turn around because i'd rather she learn about periods when she's a little older, not to mention that she would probably tell lots of strangers (dd is 3). Since having dd I have always gone to the toilet in private unless in a public toilet.

HeartsJandJ · 03/05/2012 13:07

EB - teaching them that it is OK to want privacy is one thing. Thinking that it is undignified and needs to be hidden away is another.

I would also like to know at what age people started shutting their children out? When DD was first born I couldn't put her down let alone leave her in another room just for the pleasure of having a wee in peace.

TheRhubarb · 03/05/2012 13:12

EB, it is in private. You are in your own home and comparing it continually with public loos as you seem to want to do on this thread is quite frankly, lame.

We are not advocating that you have a shit in a public loo with the door open. We are saying that in the privacy of your own home, in front of the children you gave birth to, there is no shame in changing your sanitary towel or tampon.

It's a useful time to cover periods with both boys and girls and it allows them to see that periods are natural. It doesn't mean that they will change their own tampons in public. If they walk in on you having a bath does that mean they will think it's ok to walk in on every naked person? Of course not!

How do you tell boys about periods btw, or do you not?

Ephiny · 03/05/2012 13:14

As for where feelings of privacy/modesty come from originally, it's actually a very interesting question, though I suspect the answer is complicated (unless you believe the Biblical version)! It's something that seems to vary across different cultures/times in the particular form that it takes, but it's usually there in some form. I can't imagine it's encoded in the DNA in a specific/straightforward way (e.g. a 'privacy gene') though a lot of behavioural stuff of course does have some genetic basis, and can be difficult to separate out from culture.

Or, shorter version: I don't know! :)

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 03/05/2012 13:16

see i think a lot of it comes from the bible in the beginning, where women are unclean for big chunks of their lives. and i resent that, i really do. anyone know about the other religious books?

TheRhubarb · 03/05/2012 13:17

It's taught.

That's why some tribes have no qualms with being naked. They have not learnt that embarrassment.
In places where there is no Page 3, women's breasts are seen as mammory glands for the baby. There is no sexual connotation towards them.

These are learnt attributes.

TheRhubarb · 03/05/2012 13:18

Women used to be worshipped. Those were the days (sigh)

gnushoes · 03/05/2012 13:23

Also, isn't there something about an innate sense of shame/disgust about poo -- don't think the same applies to blood. I suppose we must have some "natural" reaction to seeing blood which would apply to cutting yourself, but it would presumably be some sort of shock rather than shame?

doormat · 03/05/2012 13:24

i have become a master of changing a sanitary towel in my knicks as my children have taught me sleight of hand Grin

i dont get this problem now as all mine have grown up but when they were all little..i found it nigh on impossible to go on the loo (dump, piss, periods) without one of my dc's towing along....tried the distraction method but it never workedGrin

when changing a tampon i would say "oooh look over there" and whilst their head were turned it would be a quick pull out, put in...

EasilyBored · 03/05/2012 13:26

I have no idea when I would tell him, as he's 4 months old at the minute. I imagine that I will just sit him down at some point and talk about it, in the cringe worthingly honest way my mum did. Or even saying to him, that no, he can't come into the bathroom with me because I want to change my tampon etc, and use that as an opening to talk about why I need to do that?

I only mentioned the public loo once?

I like the peace and quiet and privacy of my bathroom. I honestly don't think there is any actual need to show my child what I'm doing (if you do, then fine), and I prefer to use the toilet in private. I'm quite confident that my child wont grow up to be ashamed and emotionally stunted because his mum and dad closed the bathroom door, in the same way I'm quite confident that your children wont grow up to be exhibitionists or prefer to poo in the middle of the street because you left the bathroom door open. Saying that I'm going to teach my child to be ashamed of their bodily functions (even though I can quite happily talk about them to all and sundry), is about as offensive as to me as saying that you're going to be spending a fortune on therapy in the future to help your kids understand personal boundries. Both are ridiculous statements. I seriously doubt that this is the issue that is going to screw up my kid.

TheRhubarb · 03/05/2012 13:31

EB fair point although I don't think I did say that your children would grow up to be ashamed of bodily functions. You are still comparing periods to going to the toilet however and perhaps that's where the embarrassment comes in? Having a period is not like going to the loo, therefore the usual innate sense of shame that gnushoes mentioned isn't there (my kids are not in the least bit ashamed of poo and wee).

Because we tend to use the toilet for our periods it has become a toilet function and it shouldn't have.

For me, I didn't want my kids to be frightened by periods (as the sight of bloody can be scary) so I made it a very normal function. It's now become useful as they both know much more about periods than the school can teach tem.

EasilyBored · 03/05/2012 13:36

I see what you mean about it not being the same as a toilet function. I have no problem talking about it at all, and can quite happily say that I have my period, have to change tampon etc, I just like a closed bathroom door. I close the door when I'm in the shower too. I like my privacy in general.

I think its the inference that somehow I'm ashamed of my boduly functions that rubs me the wrong way; I'm really not. I just think that it's OK to have boundries.

halcyondays · 03/05/2012 13:36

Periods are natural and nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, but you wouldn't stand in the middle of the footpath and change a tampon, would you?
Or ask someone at the bus stop about their periods. Remember the thread about the taxi driver asking someone's dds about their periods?

papooshka · 03/05/2012 13:38

Sorry not read the whole thread, yanbu, my 2 don't give me any privacy, they know I wear pads and that I have blood sometimes (their words), but when I am putting a tampon in I try to distract them, although my ds has crouched down to see where it's going!!

TheRhubarb · 03/05/2012 13:40

If I have implied that in any way EasilyBored then I apologise. We all make choices are parents and we should all respect each others. If you are open about periods with your children and teach them that their bodies are nothing to be ashamed of, then they won't go far wrong. Everyone has different boundaries, that's what makes us so individual Smile

VolkswagenBeetle · 03/05/2012 13:41

YANBU, I think her seeing you doing it normalises it for her so it's not such a shock in the future when she starts her periods. She'll just accept is as something girls do. I don't wear tampons but my dds have seen me change hundreds of sanitary towels over the years. It's also quite useful if I'm caught out at home as they know where I keep them. So shouting "dd1 can you get me a towel please" is the norm.

VolkswagenBeetle · 03/05/2012 13:41

Oh and just to add I saw my mum changing her sanitary towels when I was growing up and I'm not scarred in any way.