to change tampon etc in front of DD (2.10)?

[PatButchersEarring]

Genuine question. DD has recently started asking me 'why I'm putting that up my bottom!', and I'm struggling to explain in an age appropriate way what it is I'm doing.

I mentioned this to DP last night, and his response was that I shouldn't really be changing sanitary wear in front of her if I can possibly help it.

I mean, it's not like I frog march her to the bathroom to witness the magic of my menstruation-but if she's trailing after me chatting etc, I just get on with it and do what I have to do in her presence.

AIBU to be doing this in front of her?

I repeat the question Aitch, because you're reading into it something which just isn't there.

I'm entitled to preserve some dignity by not allowing an audience to perform various actions in the washroom, including changing sanitary wear. My bathroom is not a viewing area and I'm not a specimen in a freaking zoo, if you want me to define it more clearly!

uh-huh. so changing your tampon with the kids there is undignified. how so?

I wee/shower on front of DS but don't change sanitary products, its different IMO

if out in public using a cafe's toilet I have to bring him in but then try to do the pad changing discretely which is easy cause his back is usually turned on me so he can open the door on me for all to see!

Hearts, oddly enough, watching someone in the washroom isn't part of intercourse or conception (unless you want it to be of course).

why is it different, though? i genuinely don't understand.

Children are born without reserves, without shyness or a sense of shame or guilt. Children have no knowledge that periods, or sex or nakedness is rude or shameful or embarrassing. We are not born with embarrassment in our genes, it is something that is learnt and passed onto our children.

Kids see nothing dirty or shameful about any particular bodily function. This is one area where we would do well to learn from them.

Is it not obvious Aitch? I think it is, even though you don't agree with me.

amen, rhubarb.

well I don't know really, my mum was really open about that stuff and it made me very uncomfortable as a child, but seeing my parents wee/bath/get change didn't make me uncomfortable, and I didn't pick up that discomfort from her because she was comfortable and open with it

I'm not bothered by being naked in front of the children at all ( no choice, they regularly wander in and out when I'm in the shower) also not bothered if they come in while I'm using the toilet but I do draw the line when I have my period. I'd rather deal with it in private. When they've asked what tampons are for I just explain that they're something grown up ladies need to use sometimes and I'll tell them more about it when they're older. I don't see any need for them to know any more whilst they're still little.

nothing to be ashamed of but then again theirs nothing to be ashamed of taking a dump. its a private matter

no, it really is not obvious. if it was, i wouldn't be asking. i need you to explain why dealing with your menses in front of your children makes you undignified.

because clearly i'm undignified, you see. and i need to know why.

Well I don´t think I´ve lost my dignity by giving birth, or letting my young children see me in the shower, on the toilet, changing a tampon-wiping my arse, actually

Graham, would you be embarrassed if your daughter wanted you to help her with her periods? Would she feel able to show you blood clots and ask if they were normal? Would she be able to talk to you about the changes in her body? Or would she feel your sense of embarrassment?

We do this in front of our kids because THEY are NOT embarrassed, therefore why should we be? Why teach a child to be embarrassed or ashamed of certain bodily functions? What good can come out of that?

you simply must have picked up that discomfort from somewhere else, monkeymoma, i can't believe for a second that it's coded onto your DNA.

diddl... in letting your children see you this way you are no better than an animal in a zoo. tsk.

I don't think I feel any self-revulsion, or shame about my body or my periods. Maybe I'm in denial, but really don't think I do.

To me it seems everyone has a slightly different comfort level about these things. Some might be fine being naked anywhere and everywhere if it was legal (thinking that 'naked rambler' chap!). Others not comfortable in public but fine in their own homes, and some again (like Aitch make a distinction between unrelated house-guests and members of the immediate family). Some are happy naked in front of their partner, but not so much their children, parents or siblings. There are probably some who don't much like being naked at all!

Same I guess applies to going to the loo, changing your tampon etc. People have their own personal boundaries as to what level of privacy they feel comfortable with, and IMO those should be respected, whatever the reasons behind them.

(obviously small children don't understand about respecting boundaries etc! but it's surely no bad thing for them to start to learn?)

GrahamTribe: I assume you use the phrase "going to the washroom" to mean pissing and shitting?

In which case I ask again - how did you manange to give birth with dignity and without any washroom matters intruding?

I am assuming you are female and a parent of course ...

oh but the reason i draw a line at house guests and family is because THAT's where my self-revulsion kicks in. i would not want them to see me naked, because i would be embarrassed.

so someone with different boundaries is either more or less ashamed than i am, i reckon. the naked rambler could happily accuse me of being fucked up about my relationship with my natural self, and he'd be right.

and being sufficiently ashamed that you won't change a tampon/do a shit/be naked in front of your kids is a bit fucked-up IMO.

No, there is a fine line and it's difficult to know where to draw it. For instance, animals have no qualms in shitting, pissing and shagging in public. We do. This awareness of ourselves marks us out from the rest of the animal kingdom.

However changing your sanitary towel or tampon in front of your own children, in your own home is not a public display. In fact it teaches children not to be ashamed of bodily functions, to take these things in their stride. By covering up and not being open about certain things can make them seem a little scary, something to be feared because children don't understand periods and it can be a scary concept. Showing them that it's normal and showing them what to use for it can help enormously.

It's not like taking a shit. Everyone takes a shit, only women get periods and that is to do with our ovaries and womb. If you are open about it then you can debunk a lot of myths surrounding periods.

In the 7 years we've been together, I've never used the toilet infront of my husband, and neither has he. I don't plan on letting DS see me when he gets to an age where he knows what's going on either. There are just some things in my life I like to do in private, it's nothing to do with shame. There are other ways to help kids understand that periods are normal, without showing them how I change a tampon.

I don't think there is any absolute right or wrong about these things personally, I wouldn't accuse anyone else of being 'fucked up' because they feel they prefer to be more, or less, private than I do.

I'd like to think it's possible for girls to understand and not fear periods, how to use tampons etc, without having to actually watch their mothers change theirs, though if you choose to use that as a teaching tool and feel comfortable doing it, then why not!

Ds is the same age and barged in on me changing a tampon once. We went back into the garden and he tried to shove a pen up my lady bits! Luckily I had jeans on!

so where does this 'preference' for privacy come from? is it coded into your DNA?

clearly there is some element of revulsion, whether or not you can tolerate thinking about it in those terms is another matter.