Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 14 15 16 17 18 19

Original poster

to have put FIL in his place about nursery

470 replies

pointbreak · 27/04/2012 13:55

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

OP posts:

doormat · 02/05/2012 13:33

cailan it wasnt intended to be an insult to adoptive parents etc but in response to your comment about the bond between parent and child (re giving birth) and apologies if i have upset anyone as it wasnt intended but said to prove a point that in some cases there is no magical bond because you have given birth...

what i have gathered from your comments is this..that beause you give birth you should look after the child and you know what is best for the child..you have stated this furthur down the thread...i am trying to give you examples on how life is different and all situations are not black and white

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:35

I don't dedicate every minute of the day to my child, but I do spend the vast majority of it looking after him. I don't spend much time on housework really. I take him to play groups but while we're there I supervise him, help him and play with him.

I do have something other than being as SAHM - I write. I should be writing now while DS is asleep but I'm distracted! I write in the evenings and weekends too. We have no money worries, thankfully.

I more than likely will not go back to fulltime work. Once I've finished having children and the youngest is at school I will probably do more writing.

Logically I don't see how a child spending most of the week at nursery can be more beneficial than being at home with a loving parent. If there's no choice in the matter, then there's no point in worrying about it, but if there is a choice I just can't see why choosing childcare can be seen as the better option for a very young child, simply because you are putting the child into an unknown situation.

Sirzy · 02/05/2012 13:38

I hate threads like this where people seem to be determined to make out that all childcare is bad for children and other such rubbish when that is far from the truth.

Yes there are some crap childcare workers but they are in the minority and the vast majority of people go into the career because they enjoy working with children and they do a great job of it.

Parents pick what - if any - childcare they use based on what's best for the family. For us I don't like the idea of childminders and have used a nursery since Ds was about 8 months. That doesn't mean childminders are all bad, or don't work for some families just that different families need different things.

doormat · 02/05/2012 13:43

soverylucky i totally understand where you are coming from and know how you feel...i shed tears and get very emotional. when a child has left.not professional i know..but i would rather be seen as caring and sincere which i feel i am

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:47

I used to be a teacher I often cried at the end of the year, especially when teaching year 6. I think that's pretty normal for a caring person who looks after children, you do get attached, of course you do. But there are plenty of horrible teachers too who never shed a tear and say "good riddance" when the children leave. That's not so bad in a school with big burly children who aren't affected. It's a different story when that kind of person is looking after a tiny baby who can't speak up for itself.

Bubandbump · 02/05/2012 13:47

I think if you asked the majority of mumsnet, they would like to have the majority of the week with their children, they would like to have something stimulating in their lives, they would like to have no concerns about money now or in the future. It sounds like you have a much better balance of that than most. So in that scenario, spending the majority of the week at home with a parent would be the ideal - I agree with you.

Unfortunately, most don't necessarily have the balance that you seem to have. As other posters have explained, they have had PND. I need a few hours a week away from DD to do something for myself.

All I am saying is that in the quest for the best balance we are striving to achieve for our families, there is a place for a good nursery.

soverylucky · 02/05/2012 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinkerbel72 · 02/05/2012 13:50

Well- for the final time of trying to explain, I feel it was beneficial to put my child in nursery because it was a choice between
A) me not working, being perfectly content at home , ds being perfectlu content , but possibly my work prospects being restricted and

B) me working 3 days, ds going to nursery and being perfectly content, me having 4 days at home and being perfectly content and enjoying the fulfilment of motherhood and work

We chose option B because it was better for our family overall. Option A would have been fine too.

If other people can't get their head around it- so what? Why should it matter to them?

sherbetpips · 02/05/2012 13:51

Ah now you see you got that argument wrong - you should have worded up your husband first and said - oh dear FIL, its such a shame that your son is not as succesful as you and I have to work. That would shut his pompous butt up. No point harping on about how you like to work to a guy like him, as you are a woman and cannot possibly be talented enough to do a job worth abandoning your child for.

elizaregina · 02/05/2012 13:53

CailinDana

i really admire you for the way you have kept your cool with all the flack levelled at you, what you describe is the same across the board with old people and disabled people, I have no experience of private nurseries - only passing comments from friends that have been mixed as you would expect, some are amazing, some less so.

i have two friends who are nannies, they love thier charges, they get on well with the families etc...and years on they keep in conact with thier past charges, however, they say they would never ever give thier child to a nanny! that doesnt automatically mean they are cruel etc, just that they wouldnt want thier own child to have that close bond to a nanny as thy have had with other children.

i dont know if DC 2 will go to a nursery yet but i want to thank you and the others on here for giving me - good pointers of stuff to watch out for!

Bubandbump · 02/05/2012 13:53

Oh yes there was an AIBU to this topic wasn't there- almost forgot about that!

Btw DD is not at nursery while I mumsnet, she is asleep in my arms.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:57

See, the problem is sovery, that "more likely" isn't good enough for me. I know for a fact that my child is well cared for at home. I might be fairly sure that he would be well cared for at nursery but I'm not willing to risk it. Plenty of former nursery workers have talked on this thread about how they've encountered uncaring colleagues time and again, they are not particularly rare. I myself have encountered people who have treated children with disabilities with disrespect and disdain. That is not what I would want for my child. I have it in my power to be sure that is he is well cared for, so that's the option I've chosen.

soverylucky · 02/05/2012 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:59

I don't see how you can know it for a fact unless you work there sovery.

Sirzy · 02/05/2012 14:23

Of course you can know. The fact Ds got so excited going into nursery, the fact that he ran over to staff for hugs as soon as he got in, the fact he was always clean and fed etc etc.

Now he can talk and it is even more apparent how happy and cared for he is.

The key thing is having trust in the people you pick to provide childcare.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 14:27

You can guess from his reactions Sirzy, you can't know. The girl I taught with CP absolutely adored school, used to laugh in excitement coming in and would cry going home and she was treated horribly. She was fed (food she didn't want, I was the only one to ever ask her if she wanted what was on offer) and clean but no respect or kindness was shown to her by her two main carers.

Sirzy · 02/05/2012 14:30

Sorry but you can know, you can try to argue all you like but as a parent you do know these things.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 14:36

Fair enough. I must be quite different than you because if I leave DS with DH for the day I can't tell at all what he's been like when I get home. I might get home and he's laughing and smiling and DH will tell me he had a huge meltdown at lunchtime. I can't tell that just from looking at DS. How can you tell?

Sirzy · 02/05/2012 14:38

One meltdown at lunchtime doesn't suggest a child isn't happy and settled in a place though, all that says is they are a normal child!

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 14:40

I agree. What I'm saying is that just because DS is happy and laughing at six o clock doesn't mean I can sure that he's been happy and laughing all day. I just wonder how you can tell just from looking at a pre verbal child that they've been treated with respect and kindness all day. It would be a useful skill to have because no one would ever have to worry about abuse again, they could just "know" by looking at their child.

Sirzy · 02/05/2012 14:44

Sorry you can tell a child is happy by the fact they go in happy and are well adjusted there. Most children who are being abused do show signs but those are Unfortunatly missed.

There again abuse is more likely to take place in the home than any other setting anyway unfortunatly

Ticktock1 · 02/05/2012 14:47

Wow there is a huge amount to think about on here and its clearly a very emotive issue.

I have read a lot of the thread (v long so admit not all) as I am currently thinking about/planning what I am going to do (ttc) I also have a lovely 3.5 year old DSD.

She goes to a childminder 3 days a week from 7.30am till 5.30, has breakfast, lunch and dinner there, spends 2 days with us and 2 days with her mum. She spends probably more time (awake) with CM and as a result talks about her and her children all the time, she has only mentioned her mum 3 times in the 18 months I have known her. (I remember because its so rare)

DP is quite happy to do the same when we have DC's but because of this I am not so sure. Nothing really to add to this thread but I have found it very helpful

doormat · 02/05/2012 14:48

agree sirzy..cailan have you ever worked in a nursery???

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 14:49

I disagree that children who are abused show signs. I didn't. I'm not saying children are likely to be abused at nursery, in fact I would say it's pretty unlikely, what I'm saying is that you just don't know what kind of care they're getting, whether it's truly loving or just the basics. I would rather know my child was given loving care than just hope for it.

BTW I went happily with my abuser, I loved him. My reaction was no indication of what was happening to me. I would never rely on the reactions of child to determine what's going on with them. They are tiny and they accept whatever treatment they are given. They don't know that someone is disrespecting them or not responding to them in the way they should.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 14:50

I have worked in a special school that involved the care of children with disabilities.

Flip

1 2 ··· 14 15 16 17 18 19