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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have put FIL in his place about nursery

470 replies

pointbreak · 27/04/2012 13:55

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/05/2012 12:29

So do you consider the relationship between a nursery worker and a child they care for the same as the relationship between a parent and their own child doormat?

soverylucky · 02/05/2012 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 12:39

As you say sovery "it can be very positive," it's not necessarily so. That comes back to the problem I see with using childcare for a very young child. If you look after them yourself you know for certain what's going on with them throughout the day. If you put them in childcare you just don't know for certain how they are treated. That's what would worry me. Rather than the child being at home with a parent who is intimately bonded to them and who loves them they are looked after by someone who might be very caring but just doesn't have the same relationship and the same emotional investment in their wellbeing. It is an important difference, IMO, the two relationships are not equivalent.

doormat · 02/05/2012 12:47

cailan everything is not black and white

there are some parents who feel the guilt and sob their eyes out, when leaving their children, and if i had a pound for everytime i seen this i would be a millionaire..but they have no option but to go to work...they may not have close family etc to look after their child

there are some parents who feel their child would benefit from a stimulating environment with other children of the same age and socialise

i have experienced other parents (thankfully a very small minority) who drop off child before opening, and be the last to pick them up and make comments that said child is going straight to bed/ how they knocked off at 4 stroked their cat till 6..so effectively dont spend any time with their children whatsover...

whatever the situation a child in my care is respected and valued...it doesnt take a nursery nurse long to have an attachment with child and know how they are feeling..need a cuddle etc...you make it sound like its transactional and unresponsive

and may i suggest there are some threads on here about how posters feel and have issues about their own mothers...not giving a shit, uncaring etc...there are some shite mothers about but nooo to you because they have given birth they are the bees knees and know what is best

look at things in grey tones and not so clinically

soverylucky · 02/05/2012 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 12:50

You seem to be reading a lot into what I'm saying doormat. I've never said nursery workers don't care. There are some awful ones out there, but the vast majority are brilliant I'm sure. What I said was that the relationship between a nursery worker and a child isn't the same as the relationship between a parent and their child. That's just a fact, isn't it? Or do you disagree?

auburnlizzy78 · 02/05/2012 12:52

We sent our DS to nursery when I had PND (two mornings a week from 8-15 months old). We now no longer need to put him in nursery at all because my DH is at home and I work part time. But guess what - prepare to be scandalised - he still goes, and I think, based on the personality of the child I have, we are doing the absolute best thing for him. It depends SO much on what sort of child you have. Settling in took.... ooh.... about two minutes as he was off exploring without a look back. He is delighted to go and delighted to be picked up. His eating improved at nursery. I get detailed daily reports about what he's been doing. He shares toys with other children, and plays together - I have seen this when I have friends and their kids round. When he moved rooms his key worker was in tears (obviously she is very feeble minded. It couldn't possibly be because she genuinely loved him, could it?)
DS is my specialist subject. I know who he is, what he likes, and what he needs. I am not arrogant enough to believe that DH or I can without question give him everything he needs to fulfil him. And yes, we both put real quality hours in, playing, talking to him, taking him out, reading, messing about. But it is not enough for him and nursery fills a gap we can't fill. Against this, I have friends whose children have very different personalities and I can see that they might have different needs and probably would not flourish at a nursery. If we have a second I will judge what sort of child he or she is and choose childcare accordingly.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 12:53

Some mums are rubbish, sovery, yes. I don't see why that's relevant. Or are you saying that some children are better off at nursery than being at home with their mums because their mums are rubbish?

Annakin31 · 02/05/2012 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 12:58

I don't follow you Annakin sorry. Are you saying the relationship between a nursery worker and a child is the same as the one between the child and their parents?

doormat · 02/05/2012 13:06

cailan if you read all of my previous response you would understand the relevance...

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:09

I don't see why no one is answering my question directly. It's a simple question.

hardboiledpossum · 02/05/2012 13:10

tinkerbel72 I'm only on page 8 of this thread but I take offence to being called a second rate nanny or nursery nurse. I absolutely love working with children but when I did work in nurseries I was young (17 when I started) and didn't really know how to tackle the culture that I saw. I did speak to my managers and said I found the baby room too upsetting and I was moved in to a toddler room. It wasn't just one nursery I worked in I also did supply in my uni holidays. I did speak about it at the time but there wasn't much I could do so I just made sure that I was doing as best a job as I could.

I'm now going to get back to the rest of the thread.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:11

Doormat are you saying that the fact that some mums are rubbish is relevant because nursery saves children from being looked after by those mothers? Or am I reading you wrong?

Annakin31 · 02/05/2012 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:20

I am listening Annakin. I read your last post and I didn't understand it so I asked for clarification. I think that indicates I am listening rather than just assuming that I know what you're saying. I just find some of the posts a bit confusing.

I have asked a question and everyone is avoiding answering it. Though I suppose you have in a way when you say that a child could have a closer relationship with a nursery worker than with their mother. I wouldn't be too happy about my child being closer to a nursery worker than to me, to be honest, not when they're very small. It's not a great situation IMO if a nursery worker is replacing a parent, but if the parent isn't up to looking after the child then I suppose it's the next best thing.

doormat · 02/05/2012 13:20

cailan you are reading me wrong.... you cooment on how there is a magical bond between parent and child and thankfully this is the case of the vast majority of motherhood...no one would dare suggest a nursery nurse is better than the parent..that would be outrageous

in this case no...it is not better but it is a different relationship

what about children who are fostered/adopted etc ..are you implying because their is no magical bond between mother and child and the fact of giving birth, they are not considered to have a bond with the child...

would love to know your opinion on this one

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:21

I wasn't making bald statements by the way, I was asking a question.

Bubandbump · 02/05/2012 13:22

Cailin of course the relationship isn't the same. The point several posters are trying to make is that it doesn't need to be. I am not trying to replicate the care at nursery with the care at home, I am trying to offer a different, stimulating environment for my child.

Do you never take your children to play groups? And hand on heart, do you spend every minute at home dedicating yourself to your children? I sometimes look at my day and wished that I had just sat down with DD and played more instead of trying to keep on top of the cleaning, tidying etc.

Mu DM was a SAHM her entire life and now we have all left home, I wish she had something else in her life. I also remember the worry over money - these things shape a child's life too.

And what about schooling? Will you NEVER have to go back to work? I am a SAHM at the moment having given up a high flying, long houred city job but if something part time came up, I would take it. Not because I don't want to be with my DD but it would then enable her to have private schooling that we couldn't otherwise afford.

There are so many factors in all these decisions and even as a SAHM I question if that is the right choice overall for my DD. As far as I am aware, no-one has published the definitive guide to raising every child so in the meantime, try and broaden your mind a little.

soverylucky · 02/05/2012 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:26

The relationship between an adoptive parent and a nursery worker are not the same and comparing the two is a bit insulting to an adoptive parent IMO. A nursery worker looks after a number of different children in a professional setting, for part of the day, for a few years. An adoptive parent brings the child into their home and family and looks after all the needs of the child for the rest of their life. The two situations aren't comparable. An adoptive parent builds a bond with their child over time that is the same as the bond between a parent and their birth child, all going well. A nursery worker does not build the same bond simply because they are not 100% responsible for that child for the rest of their life.

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 13:28

Sorry that should say "the relationship a child has with an adoptive parent and with a nursery worker"

soverylucky · 02/05/2012 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinkerbel72 · 02/05/2012 13:29

I don't believe the attention a childcare worker gives is the same as that of a parent. It doesn't need to be. It is up to the parents to decide how they want to organise their lives to include a healthy balance of interaction with mum, dad and other caring figures. For some families, the optimum situation is to have mum at home 24/7, no organised childcare and often not much interaction with dad(especially where his sole earner job means working excessive hours)

For some people, it means boxing and coxing so both parents work shifts and juggle childcare between them

For others it means using childminder, nanny, nursery etc

There is no right or wrong way

Some people say they would rather not use childcare until their child is 1/2/4 whatever years. There is a huge spectrum of what people find acceptable to their own family situation

But really, when you see people persisting in telling us how awful childcare is, it does come across as a teensy bit envious of people who are using or have used it and have perfectly happy and secure children. Maybe they don't mean it to sound that way but it does

elizaregina · 02/05/2012 13:32

i cannot belive the attitude of some posters on here accusing brave people giving hints of what goes on behind closed doors to us! we should be thanking them! encouraging them so we can LEARN from people who have experienced care they are not happy with.

Its beyong belief that some are even pointing the finger at them accusing THEM of being un caring.

I think there are alot of naive people on here, or people who do feel so guilty at thier child care choices they lash out at people who are simply saying.....beware, that is in NO WAY saying you cant read your own child or know your own child.

I also applaud some women on here who say they " dont need to work" but choose too.

I think that honesty is absoluty fantastic and I wish more women could come out and say the same.

Just because we have children doesnt mean we are cut ot to be full time mothers. I agree some women are better mothers becasue they go to work.....

i feel really really sorry for the people on here who are quite obvioulsy sooo caring they are moved to tell us of thier experiences.....and have been accused of being not caring.

some people do protest tooo much.

The funny thing is - the ones that have totally gunned for the child workers saying why didnt they say anything !!!!! Look at your own response! Have you been open and encouraging that someone is giving us a glimpse behind the curtain???????