To be surprised at the amount of women that still seem to be subservient to men?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

This isn't a thread about a thread, it's a thread about general observations I've made, both on here and in RL.

We are meant to be living in an age of equality. Yet on here there seem to be so many replies on threads about men saying things like 'Awwww men don't understand housework' and 'Bless them, men need their blokes weekends away' and 'I don't think men see mess'. On threads for example about men not pulling their weight in the house, replies will say things like 'if he works long hours YABU' without even considering that the woman might work too.

I'm just surprised that some women do still seem to have the attitude that men can and should do what they like and that it's ok for women to pick up the slack. It's not the ideal thing to teach to the next generation is it?

Had an embarrassing situation recently when DP took DD to school after Easter to discover on arrival that it was a teacher training day. He phoned me but I was in the car nearly at work so he had to take day off.

The odd thing is that I instantly apologised to him and felt really shitty about it - it wasn't until an hour or so later that it occurred to me that actually it isn't just my responsibility to know the term dates.

What else do I just unthinkingly assume is my job because I have a vagina? And what do I automatically regard as DP's job? Actually, despite thinking of myself as a feminist, there are a few things....

I agree. DH does cleaning, childcare and the early morning wakings. I have time to myself and he is great. However, he doesn't even know the names of DD's HCPs (dentist, nurse etc.) and has no clue about vaccinations, check ups and so on. When DD is sick I take time off work. Why is that?

I asked my lovely 80 year old mum the other day why she stayed single from the age of 60, didn't she miss the company etc. etc. etc.

She said "what on earth would I want another one of them in my bed for"

Apparently she's slept "grand" for the last 2 decades
no damn snoring or farting

I've always been the one to remember dates, sort out bills etc and generally organise things though long before we had children. I thought it was because I was that type of person who enjoyed taking the lead on such things rather than because of my gender.

LeQueen eloquently put. Totally agree with every word

Not sure exactly how everything in our house is divided up, but certainly don't feel subservient to my partner. In my eyes, the point of feminism is that women have a choice about how they want to live. If a woman has made a decision to live a certain way, it's not for others (men or woman) to decide whether they are oppressed or subservient, as long as the individual is fulfilled and happy with their decision, then who are we to say it's right or wrong.

I'm nearly 50 and hold my hands up and say maybe I just don't know what to do about "roles" anymore. I'm totally confused.

LeQueen exactly - this is why DP does the shopping - he can do a perfectly good household shop for £60 at Sainsbury's whereas my bill is inevitably £104.58

I send him off on a Sat morning and watch in awe 90 minutes later as it gets unloaded from the car!

I agree, LeQ. As per. :)

My best friend's wanker of a husband is insistent on everything being split because it's fair. So he is always telling my BF how much she "owes" him, money wise. And when she said she was thinking of staying home until their DD was in kindergarten he was all "well to make it fair we will each stay home for two and a half years. You'll have to take the first two and a half because you're breastfeeding."

It's not that wanting things to be equal is terrible, or that he doesn't deserve to be a SAHD if he wants to. But it was less about what everyone wanted and more about checks and balances.

Dh and I don't do things 50/50 at all, but there is nothing that I do automatically because I'm the woman or that he does automatically because he's the man (actually, that's not true - even if I lock up the house at night, he still has to check because a) he's paranoid and b) he was brought up to think that's an important way a man protects his family. He also does the bins for the same reason and I rather lazily, let him. But he does know that I can do the bins, and will do them if for some reason he's not there even though most of the time if he's going away he does them ahead of time.)

(his Mum was never remotely house-proud, and only ever used to Hoover on high days and holidays).

And his father? Why doesn't he get a mention? Or do you think that wasn't his responsibility?

Oh and I agree with the OP. The excuses women give for why men behave badly always make me grimace. So infantilising of men. Agree it's not just about housework, but even on threads about that usually the man's mother gets the blame and there is always a suggestion that the household contracts it out to yet another women - a cleaner.

The really bad ones though are the ones about men's sexual behaviour. Porn, rape, lapdancing clubs, using prostitutes, infidelity - are often excused on the basis that it's a man doing it and they can't help themselves because they have different biological needs around sex, so should be judged by different standards.

I am often gobsmacked at the level of bullshit many women on MN put up with.

DH and I have equally low standards of housekeeping so that works out well.

If it is any consolation Cailandana I once got the crap ripped out of me on here for ironing DH's shirts. It is the only ironing done in this house and as he only wears the sort of shirt in question because I find them sexy, I think it is the least I can do, it is also strangely satisfying to watch the crinkly fabric transform into that smooth white linen that lurve.

He is also responsible for all beverages whether that be tea in bed or margeritas on the patio.

I think mostly people work it out, but I agree with the OP that many women get a crap deal.

I think there is a distinction between the whole work load being divided 50/50 and thinking that each area of work should be shared equally. Its rather the assumption that one partner should do more of the household work or do specified types of work because of their sex.

I tend to manage the finances, DH buys the children's clothes because he enjoys bargain hunting in the shops and I enjoy budgeting on the computer [anorak emoticon]. As long as we have the same amount of leisure time and the jobs get done then its fair.

My DH finds it offensive and insulting if anyone presumes he can't do or doesn't do any housework, childcare, etc. He says they are such basic life essentials that anyone who can't do them must have something wrong with them and anything who doesn't do them because they let someone else pick up the slack is a cunt and a user. Also says he feels ashamed to be a man when he comes across the attitudesof colleagues and so on. His point is that if he was a single man, he'd have to do 100% of the housework, so anything less than that, even 90% means he's onto a winner. Can't comprehend why other men can't see that. And DH is from a very trad home where his mother has never worked and his father expects his wife to put his slippers on for him, FFS, so all the crap about men being useless and sexist cos their fathers were is bullshiiiiiiiit. He saw that his mother actually hated housework and how his father treated her like she was somehow less of a person than he is, with less rights to opinions, needs, interests and so on and it disgusted him, because he couldn't see why his father saw an image of what he thought women were like instead of the reality of who his mother really was (a clever, vibrant, skilled woman).

All the men I grew up with - dad 2 x bros including one with downs syndrome, bILs etc ALL took care of themselves, ie able to get clothes into washing machine, back out etc, excellent cooks, always cleaning...and basically just self sufficient.
BIG SHOCK with DH. But I think its a culture thing as his mamma is typical german haus frau, no ones house is as clean as hers....

She nealry fainted one day when she though DH might be actually cooking for me ( two days after giving birth). You couldnt open a window in her house without permission let alone do anything that infringed her house work.

saying that DH does anything I ask of him and is BRILLIANT with DD.....I would certianly however bring up any future sons based on the men I grew up with not, the GERMAN model!!!!!!!!!!

OP I totally agree with you. So many posts on here where women say, oh he does nothing with the kids and very little housework - but he is a great partner. No he is not. He is a lazy fucker who is leaving you to do everything. It does depress me sometimes how so many women on here seem to accept this kind of situation and make excuses for it.