To be surprised at the amount of women that still seem to be subservient to men?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

This isn't a thread about a thread, it's a thread about general observations I've made, both on here and in RL.

We are meant to be living in an age of equality. Yet on here there seem to be so many replies on threads about men saying things like 'Awwww men don't understand housework' and 'Bless them, men need their blokes weekends away' and 'I don't think men see mess'. On threads for example about men not pulling their weight in the house, replies will say things like 'if he works long hours YABU' without even considering that the woman might work too.

I'm just surprised that some women do still seem to have the attitude that men can and should do what they like and that it's ok for women to pick up the slack. It's not the ideal thing to teach to the next generation is it?

DP and I are pretty equal when it comes to this but I think it does take some time. MIL was a SAHM and she is lovelylovelylovely BUT she does pick up after her DSs a bit. It's odd, because BIL 'copied' her and is now v hands-on around the house whilst DP needs poking with a fork jollying along.

At first when we moved in the division of labour wasn't equal, to the point where I wondered if it would last. We got a cleaner though, so I feel I 'let go' of the cleaning.

Washing, we both do, whenever it needs it - DP is as likely as I am to say 'ooh should we do a darks load' - cos if not, he doesn't have socks!

Ironing, I do, he doesn't - so he doesn't wear ironed clothes to work. His choice.

He cooks and shops almost exclusively. I sort the garden and do most of the washing up.

I think it kind of all comes out in the wash with us, but I am not shy about saying to DP, 'Look, I've just spent all morning weeding, can you sort out x now please whilst I sit down'.

I know, but I still can't get over the time on here that I was told to leave DP as he would be unable to 'keep us' if I chose to have an extended mat leave.

A number of MNers said that. What does that say about women's attitudes.

DP and I share the housework fairly I think - I probably do more because I'm at home more, but the end result is equal leisure time. He's quite capable of supermarket shopping, cooking, cleaning, hoovering etc. The only thing he won't do is ironing, which is fine with me because I don't mind it, and he spends equal amounts of time cutting wood for the fire, which he does much better than I would because he's physically bigger and stronger.

I don't understand not doing your partner's washing, but I don't have to - it's your house. For me, it wouldn't reduce the workload noticeably and would mean we had to fit a second laundry basket into an already cramped house. Scooping a basketful from the basket into the machine takes a minute or two, and hanging it up takes about as long as making a cup of tea. I tend to do more of it when I'm working from home, but DP does it other times. If it's not in the basket, it doesn't get washed.

I would happily do DH's washing if he put it in the basket. If it's in the basket then yep if I'm washing a load that it will go with then in it goes. I even dry it for him and put it on his side of the bed for him to put away (which he never does). I used to iron his stuff too but again he was just leaving it on the bed, then kicking it onto the floor, then walking all over it, then mixing it up with dirty clothes so I figured there was zero point in that.

If I'm in a very good mood I might occasionally iron something he needs to wear that day, if I have the ironing board out and am ironing something for myself that is.

I never iron anything, so that solves that problem!

I do all the laundry, washing up and the school runs. DH cleans, cooks, household maintenance. Im rubbish at cleaning and cooking. It takes DH half the time to do a much better job when it comes to cleaning so he does it all. It works for us. Right now DH is cooking spag bol for tea while I am sat MNing with the TV on in the background. Later he'll be on his xbox while I wash up.

Like a previous poster I can quite happily have pretty much next to nothing for tea whereas DH believes a good cooked meal is a must on an evening. Also once I cooked for him when we first got together and made a right mess of it, he hasn't let me cook since.

I remember once when I was younger my mum asked me what I was going to do when I grew up and had a family to support in regards to cooking I just told her Id find a man who could cook and I did

DH was brought up in a house where his parents did everything for him whereas I was brought up having to do chores from as soon as I could yet Im the lazy arse while DH does the majority of the housework (or so it feels)

I'm a single-dad and my son lives mainly with me.

My ex has far higher housework standards than me, now we're not together I do the bare minimum.

I see housework has mostly pointless and begrudge spending time doing it when I can be doing something else I enjoy.

So would it be best for our son to follow me by doing the bare minimum or follow his mum and have an immaculately clean house?

I'm a bare minimum kinda person as well.

I think it would be best all round if your son simply had a basic grasp on the fact that women are not there to take up the slack where he can't bothered.

Most people though have the marriage or relationship they want deep down I think?

If one person does ALL the housework then
it's usually because they live being the martyr and and love moaning about it.

I work full time and defiantly do more domestic chores, though dh cooks

However he is the one dealing with the boring inland revenue, insurance and changing gas tarrifs etc etc which is fine.

Each to their own I say.

I've been married 28 years. We always shared the chores 50/50 - he'd do the cleaning and I'd do the laundry, that sort of thing. About 6 years ago he got a promotion at work that meant longer hours. Without discussing it with me (or even mentioning it) he decided that as he was working longer hours he wouldn't do any housework. At the time we had 3 teenage boys and whenever I complained about the bins not being emptied or the dishwasher not being loaded he would blame the boys.

It was only when I had to relocate for work and we moved away from the boys that I realised he does absolutely nothing. Nada. Zilch. After many rows he is at last starting to pull his weight. I am still having to nag - have you done the bins? - as he dashes out of the house on a Monday, because he'll "forget" if I don't and I get stuck with it (and a fortnightly collection mean that teaching him a lesson by not doing it myself backfires horribly). He does the washing up once a week, which is really hard to ignore.

That's when the real problems arise. You determine not to give in, then your mother turns up, and raises her eyebrows at the mess. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her - not my job, leaving it for him - there is this undercurrent of hmmph. The same is true of any female visitor. Male visitors ignore the mess. Female visitors feel the need to comment. And that is where we can't win. There is no Sisterhood and other women are our fiercest critics.

Most people though have the marriage or relationship they want deep down I think? If one person does ALL the housework then
it's usually because they live being the martyr and and love moaning about it.

What?

I disagree with that I'm afraid. In most cases, if one person is doing ALL the housework, it is because their partner is a shit...and I really don't think that equates to having the relationship they wanted 'deep down'.

OP, I think each couple finds their own balance and it is usually a bit more complicated than you are suggesting in your opening post. There are all sorts of ways in which a relationship can be equal and I don't actually think it matters who does the housework. If each partner feels respected and valued then does it really matter who does the washing or takes out the bins? I do more around the house than my husband, but I am not in the least subservient thank you. In all things that matter we are entirely equal. Please don't belittle other women by suggesting that they only do more housework because it has not occured to them that there is no alternative.

"I think it would be best all round if your son simply had a basic grasp on the fact that women are not there to take up the slack where he can't bothered."

One persons 'cant be bothered' is another persons 'I'm fine with this level of cleanliness'.

OR to put it another way - you want a clean house then feking clean it ;)

Frankly, if my standards of cleaning are considered too high level by anyone, then that person has big problems.

But Pictish women arnt stuck with a 'shit' you either get him (or her)
To change or u break up, if it means that much to you don't you??

If u put up with it it's because you want to. We arnt in 1918!! Fuck me lots of strong women on here.

All relationships are unique.

Yanbu, I haven't completely got this one sorted in my house. I leave things for dh to do and most of the time he just doesn't do them and then when he does he huffs and puffs about it as if he's doing me a favour? He would be doing me more of a favour if he just fucked off at that point and I have told him this. I am in the no washing club too. I will do mine and dd's but not his, my mum thinks I'm horrific for not doing it. He is getting better than he was when we first met but it's going to take a few more discussions. I think the problem is I don't want to feel like his mum by telling him he needs to do things but I have to and then I hate myself for being forced into being something I don't want to be just because he is a lazy fuckwit.

To the person who said their dh works 12 hours a day and so they do the housework - what if you weren't around? He would have to do the housework for himself, shouldn't he be doing the same amount now?

Two of my female friends are in relationships like this and will do nothing about it, it makes me very angry for them.

How very arrogant of you strawberry. What makes you the arbiter of all things good in a relationship? Has it ocurred to you that your friends might be perfectly happy in their relationships?

Because they aren't....

I'm with WhatMeWorry. I wash DH's clothes because I do the laundry. I would think it odd to only pick mine and DS's clothes out of the hamper. He does the dishes a lot of the time and I would think him quite strange if he only washed his own! However, if you have separate hampers I suppose that would make sense.

I do the bulk of the household stuff. But I'm home from noon on, and am giving up my job altogether at the end of May. If he were home while I was out working I'd expect him to do the housework and cook dinner.

Sorry I meant no it hasn't occured to me that they might be happy because they tell me that they aren't happy yet they won't do anything about it.

Then it is up to them to do something about it. Their situations can't be used to judge what is going on in other people's relationships though. Please don't assume that woman doing more than 50% of the housework = woman who is subservient/unhappy/in need of saving.

But you arnt happy either by the sound iof things strawberry?

I agree wholeheartedly, my ex was incompetent, I had to make every decision for him, cook for him and even do his work half of the time while he pissed around with the lads and I'd get in trouble at work if he hadn't done what he was supposed to have done (we worked in various places together, I got very angry at the last one when it happened!) and I generally worked more than him too. The one time I ever needed help, I had done a 12 hour shift at work, couldn't walk as my knees were so painful and begged him to just put me on some pasta or something (he'd gone home at 3pm, I was there until 6pm) and he put it on, burnt it, refused to even make me a drink or anything and then went out to play footie with the lads for 4 hours. There were 13 of us in this house (6 male/female couples and another bloke), every single one of them went out that night and left me on my own, in agony, unable to leave the bed and hungry and they all sympathised with him when he got home and I'd locked him out of the room. Including the other 5 women. WTAF.

My current DP is brilliant though, housework and cooking is split 30/70ish here with him doing the majority of it (he really enjoys cooking!) and we both work as well as uni for DP. I can't believe I let my ex get away with it and nor can I believe that everyone agreed that I should let him get away with it!

Sabriel - my Mum always said to me 'No man ever left a woman for not doing the housework'.

My Mum is great. She is regarded as hard working but does hee haw cooking and very little housework. She has achieved what most men achieve when it comes to perception.

I am the same. Hard working but with an aversion to housework.

No I'm not happy with the housework situation, it is a part of our relationship that needs to change. I think it's very hard to find a relationship where everything is perfect. I am happy with everything else though thank you.

yousank I am not assuming that the people doing more than 50% are unhappy, I am telling you that the people I know in real life who do disproportionately more than they should do are unhappy in their relationships yet they do nothing about it.

I think I strayed from the op anyway there do seem to be a lot of people on mn who think it's ok for their dh to do whatever they wish.