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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

LAPDANCE

533 replies

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 18:08

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
Malificence · 25/04/2012 20:58

My "dispicable" comment was not about OP's partner, which you would have known had you actually bothered to read my post correctly Willowisp.

Malificence · 25/04/2012 21:01

As long as he knows this was a one off, never to be repeated "mistake", eh reenie? Wink

Turning on the tears like that shouldn't be his guarantee to forgiveness every time he acts like a knob.

FamiliesShareGerms · 25/04/2012 21:03

Reenie, glad to hear you and your fiancé have worked things out

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 25/04/2012 21:06

Glad it's settled down - but, still....

....when he buys you a ruby on your 40th wedding anniversary, ask him to tuck it into your knickers for old times' sake.

Oh, how you'll laugh.

StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2012 21:12

"Add message | Report | Message poster Mrbojangles1 Tue 24-Apr-12 18:54:17
Magsaloof really thought you had never seen dream boys or are you one of those people rolls eyes who talks about things she actally has never witnessed
"

so if we've seen them (I haven't) we're "one of those women" and if we haven't we can't comment. Can't comment either way then :o

Out of interest, how many dreamboys have been raped, beaten up and murdered?

Original poster
reeniemartini · 25/04/2012 21:23

mybabyweightiseightyearsold
Balls! You made me laugh already just imagining it!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2012 21:31

symfem, why are you telling the OP to genuflect?
Confused

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 25/04/2012 21:43

I'm glad, Reenie. You could do with a chuckle, that's been a crummy wee blip for you.

FWIW, he sounds lovely. I wish you every happiness, and the strength to be a better person than I would be and cast it up every time I was losing an argument!
x

stripesnotspots · 25/04/2012 22:03

What a donut. why on earth did he tell you?? don't lose any sleep over it, he was drunk, not like they can touch or anything. sounds like you have him pretty whipped anyway

StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2012 22:08

Oh! Well that's ok then the op can sleep peacefully.
Hmm at whipped

runningforthebusinheels · 25/04/2012 22:10

whipped?? Confused

Thats quite insulting - so those women that are with men who don't indulge in such things are whipped are they? I don't think so - it's just about being with a man that respects that women's bodies shouldn't be bought or sold.

ReactionaryFish · 25/04/2012 22:13

"not like they can touch or anything"
why on earth do people imagine that the point at which they choose to draw the line should be the rule for anybody else? "I think it so it must be right?" Stupid. And what a miserable relationship it must be where you have have your dh "whipped" for him to behave decently to you.

FWIW, OP, your fiance was clearly bothered enough about the fact that he had done something he knew was outside the terms of your relationship to tell you and apologise, which is reason for optimism.

KRITIQ · 25/04/2012 22:23

Rennie, if you feel upset by what happened, your feelings are valid and no one can tell you you're being stupid/naive/overthinking/controlling or any of the other things that have been lobbed at you for feeling hurt and betrayed.

The more I read threads like this, the more I seriously wonder how many folks are coming from the "well, I feel I have to put up with am quite relaxed about my DH's lack of respect for men fun nights out with the lads, so you must be the one with a problem here."

KRITIQ · 25/04/2012 22:23

(make that me above!)

ReactionaryFish · 25/04/2012 22:24

women who do put up with these things are often hostile to those who won't I've noticed. I suspect seeing women who won't tolerate it makes them feel like mugs.

carernotasaint · 25/04/2012 22:49

"whipped" I hate that fucking word. I notice its only used to describe women and not men.

carernotasaint · 25/04/2012 22:50

What ReactionaryFish said!

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2012 23:21

women who do put up with these things are often hostile to those who won't I've noticed. I suspect seeing women who won't tolerate it makes them feel like mugs

Gosh I think it's normally the other way round on MN anyway.

Normally you see women getting really hostile towards those who are genuinely fine with this sort of thing.

From what I've seen, they get accused of trying to be 'Cool', 'edgey', 'down with it' and they're all weak and in denial Grin

The thought that they might be confident in themselves, their lives, their bodies and their relationship, is often largely denied...as though they couldn't possibly be telling the truth.

OP, I'm glad you came back to say it's over and done with and you'll both deal with it. At least he knows now in no uncertain terms how you feel about that sort of thing.

I wish you both all the luck and happiness for the future.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2012 23:30

I was thinking about this, too much head room. I have a friend who is an unashamed Neanderthal. He frequently says things like, "show us your tits, MrsTP". If I did, would my DH be OK to be pissed off about it? Because I think DH would be annoyed. The relationship is the same, a consensual showing and looking at breasts. No touching. Would it be better if he paid me? I don't think so. I really don't see how it is very at all different to cheating.

In the OP's case I think he would have assumed, as she did, that she had no problem with it.

Charbon · 25/04/2012 23:35

I've noticed that too Reactionary Fish - and not just on this forum.

I've also noticed another interesting correlation. The posters who tell women to 'get a grip' for objecting to porn and lapdancing clubs are regularly seen on other threads admitting that their partners do sod all around the house. Some of them even insist that it's fair that household labour is divided that way.

It's always an eye opener to see the bargains that some women will make to survive.

symfem · 25/04/2012 23:44

She should genuflect, and show appreciation an honest decent man who has made the "mistake' of enjoying himself and told her about it. Thankfully she saw sense

runningforthebusinheels · 25/04/2012 23:46

at symfem. 'Enjoying yourself' obviously has a different meaning...it doesn't sound like op's dp enjoyed himself that much at all.

LineRunner · 25/04/2012 23:47

You don't know what genuflect means, do you?

symfem · 25/04/2012 23:49

He may have enjoyed himself at the time :-O we have all indulged and regretted it later, doesnt mean we didnt enjoy. He was probably rock hard when she was gyrating on him

symfem · 25/04/2012 23:52

To bend the knee in a sign of a respect, linerunner. Next assertion of your ignorance please in 5, 4, 3 ....