LAPDANCE

[reeniemartini]

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

Re ' minimising ops obvious distress' she asked if she was being unreasonable and some people think she is to think of calling off her marriage.

That's not minimising her distress it's offering her a different point of view with support.

Otherwise why post if you want a to agree with you?

The reports quoted above are widely used and accepted by Local Authorities around the country which are legally setting a 'nil cap' on Sexual Entertainment Venues.

Counsels are advising that Councils can effectively say there are no suitable places for SEVs, and Councils tend to be doing precisely that. Many are leaving existing ones open, and monitoring for breaches of the license at which point the SEVs will be shut; and not allowing any new ones to open.

So those reports have had a significant impact.

thebody, it's not the differing point of view I object to, it's the 'get a grip' and 'it was only a lapdance' type posts, and they and do minimise the OP's distress.

Larry could you quote where the report says that the median wage is 48K please?

I can only seem to find stuff like this; Making no money: due to high overheads (house fees, commission, fines, tips, travel to work): 70% reported leaving a shift without making any money.

Anyway I'm not too sure of the point you are trying to make, that it is ok to objectify and sexually exploit women as long as they are paid well for it? It is ok for women to be the sex class and men to consume them as long as the women make decent cash? Righto, lovely attitude.

Yes some women make decent money - here you'll love this, it is a testimony from a woman who said she once earned up to £400 a night.

Beachcomber,

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1306701/Lap-dancers-One-strippers-university-degree.html

The above article quotes the study I linked to and the £48k median wage is quoted about 4 lines down.

In a sense it is you who are "objectifying" women by assuming that they are not conscious beings able to make their own choices and are lapdancing at the whim of the patriarchy, rather than fully self determining human beings. You may not like the choices some women make but it is not up to you to tell them not to make them. Thus the discussion is whether they are in some way coerced or are making an independent and informed choice. This study says it is the latter. Or do you actually feel that women do not have the right to make this choice?

As I think I also stated earlier, most people during their working lives are in some ways "objectified". I am sure you are happy to pay to have your haircut and assumet he hairdresser is there to please you and you do not have to reciprocate the pleasure? Or do you ask him whether he had a fantastic time when you tip him for the haircut and the massage of your psyche?

There is another huge assumption behind your post that women hate being objectified and will never ever use physical attractiveness to further their own ends. History and literature (and experience and common sense) says that women at the height of their sexual power use it to achieve all sorts of ends including better lifestyle, money etc.

Well, like I said, the arguments that are winning over Licensing Policy Committees of Councils are not supportive of Sexual Entertainment Venues being of any positive benefit to the community of thr women who work in them. And these arguments are surviving legal scrutiny.

the typo sorry

It is the sex industry and the people that finance it/pay into it who objectify women, not feminists.

Of all the problems in the world, and all the problems that can occur in a relationship, I for one think the OP must live either a very sheltered or very lucky life, that she feels that this issue is such a earth shattering occurance.

To call off a wedding to a man I presume she loves, because he went to a strip club, and a stripper performed a dance with him, seems to be taking the molehill and dumping ten tonnes of scree upon it.

And shame on all o you who allow her to blow this out of proportion. Its almost as if you sit there gleefully rubbing your hands whenever you hear of such a tale, as it perpetuates the vindictive and bitter view of men that you hold.

I presume no woman here has attended a strip show on a hen night. Or performed a series of challenges upon the hen night, each getting racier as the night progresses.

tricky one

youve been together so long

i would be gutted, why didnt he just stick with the groom who didnt go private dance?

or maybe he was completely drunk, and was pressured into it by his 'mates'?

BUT he obviously feels crap, and I think he has learned his lesson, sounds like a sensitive soul, but I think all men deep down are still 15yr old teenagers, no matter what age they are. So can they really handle anything?

but Am giving you my support as it's crap trying to work put how to play it with him now.

you could though milk the situation for your own gain, as probably now, he feels so rubbish that he'd do ANYTHING for you, or BUY you anything, if it would even make you feel better

I cant see that he's the type to wreck your marriage once youre married tho, I think he is meaningfully remorseful. And at least he was honest.

Have you spoken to the other girlfriends/partners of the other blokes there? What was their take on things?

Right. So the 48K figure comes from the Daily Mail.

Nowhere have I said that women who work in lap dancing are not conscious beings. Why are you making things up about me Larry?

I don't dislike the choices of the women, Larry. I dislike the choices of the men, the punters and the club owners.

I don't like lap dancing because I think it is a seedy, sexist, racist, ageist, abelist, exploitative gender hierarchy.

Yes, women do use sexuality to get by in a sex obsessed male dominated society, no shit sherlock.

What has hairdressing got to do with sexual encounters? (Actually I don't go to the hairdresser, DH cuts my hair. Although last time we had this conversion IIRC you tried to compare waiting tables to sexual encounters. Are you confused about what a sexual encounter is?)

I have a very loving view of my father, my son and my brothers, thanks for asking.

I've never seen a male stripper/strip show. I seem to have survived without them - despite being on plenty of hen nights! I have unfortunately been subjected to female strippagrams (sp) on work leaving do's for male colleagues, and when I worked in a bar.

Anyway, it would only be comparable if the women posting here had paid for a lapdance by said male stripper.

I would also add that some women consider paying another woman for a lapdance is cheating - and cheating is a pretty normal and serious problem in relationships judging from MN and rl.

'you could though milk the situation for your own gain, as probably now, he feels so rubbish that he'd do ANYTHING for you, or BUY you anything, if it would even make you feel better'

huh. Sisters are doing it for themselves. Except when they can guilt it out of a man lol

I would also add that some women consider paying another woman for a lapdance is cheating - and cheating is a pretty normal and serious problem in relationships judging from MN and rl.

Yes and some women here consider looking at poon to be cheating too. But lets not hand the asylum keys over the inmates just yet, and let rationality and common sense prevail here.

this thread could have been answered in one post. Yes op you are being a drama queen. Enjoy your life, with the man you love and dont listen to the naysayers who hate others happiness

yep symfem, go the guilt trip I say!

I'd be letting him know I'd like and a shopping trip to make me feel better lol

shallow? definitely.

but it will help OP feel better. materialistic therapy yes, but he needs to step up now for a while to make it up to her seeing as she is hurting about what happened

symfem - who are you to judge what constitutes cheating in another person's relationship. In the op even the dp admitted the lapdance felt like cheating on her.

and OP should just then just forgive him, after the wonderful shopping/guilt trip

so he knows she loves him - amd he will never to do it again,

but he wont do it again I do believe, as it was probably not all he thought it would be, as he KNEW it was wrong as OP said earlier somewhere

my husband has been to a lap dance club twice. Once at 19 out of bravado and curiosity and thought it was sleezy but great, seeing topless women wandering around and getting to look at their tits for £15...... that was a long time ago. I was upset about it then. Anyway, he went again not all that long ago as a grown man and was quite upset at himself for going, he stayed 30 minutes and didnt have a dance. That's what he has told me and I trust him, he wasn't apologetic about it but was very sad as he saw it very differently and how badly objectified the girls there. He absolutely wont go again and is quite open about his opinion on people who go there now and it's not positive. Your fella has been honest and is remorseful. Hopefully it's just a one off.

Maybe she should make him dance round the front room in a g-string for an evening whilst she invites her friends round ?

perfect solution MrGin!

Hardly comparable MrGin.

For the sake of the op's sanity she should consider her position. Who should decide what cheating is ? Well common sense should prevail. I sincerely hope it would but with the pouring of petrol evident here its unlikely

symfem
I really wasn't asking if I should call off the marriage. It was something that flitted into my mind but I sincerely love him and he has never done anything remotely like this before. I was asking AIBU for being so upset and questioning things so deeply. I wasn't sure how to feel at all, I was shocked and didn't know how to deal with it all.
I'm not really interest in getting flowers, a nice dress or shopping trip out of it. I'd feel a bit of a hypocrite after spouting the - "You need to examine your attitude to women, how dare you think you can buy us" schtick at him. They may be very nice shoes but they'd still feel like I was wearing stripper knickers on my feet.

Really, my life hasn't been that sheltered. I was a cage dancer at a nightclub from the age of 15 - 21. I learnt a lot about men there believe me (and no I never took my clothes off, it was a nightclub, not a strip club). I've had some bad relationships that have been mentally and verging on physically abusive. I have travelled the world solo. My job has sent me to places where my life has been in danger. I am not naive and innocent.

It sounds corny but he restored my faith in men. I couldn't have asked for anyone more loving and supportive in all the time we've been together - which is why this feels like such a let down. I just needed to know if other people thought I was being stupid for being so upset by it.

It was a joke beachcomber .

J........o..........k...........eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee