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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected my son to have been fed?

373 replies

AngelWreakinHavoc · 23/04/2012 17:11

I wont blab on I will get straight to the point!

My ds (15) stayed at his friends house for the weekend, Friday night till Sunday night. All the time he was there he was not fed, no breakfast,lunch,tea, a snack NOTHING!

I made sure he ate friday before he went there but he asked for something to eat later on and was told he would have to buy his own food. At first in discussion with my OH we thought 'oh dear they must be skint and have no food in' then I thought well they either should have said he couldnt stay or shared food equally (I have done it many times fed loads of kids with very little food).

THEN......My ds told me, friday night they had a chinese and saturday night they had an indian, It beggers belief, My ds friends Dad drove them to the indian ordered food for the family then took my ds to the shop to get himself a microwave curry.Over the weekend all he had was 2 micro meals and a bought sandwich Luckily my ds had £10 with him which I presumed he would be spending on sweets probably a 4 pack (general stuff a 15yr old boy would buy).

I would not dream of having anyone stay at my house and not feed them or aibu?

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 25/04/2012 21:18

Bloody hell. Seriously weird.

By the way I had a code word with my parents when i was a teenager. Only used it once. A party had got out of hand and I was too embarrassed to say I wanted to go home. I used the code word and was collected.

verytellytubby · 25/04/2012 21:19

Also OP you sound very sensible.

takeonboard · 25/04/2012 21:25

Very weird people..........I could see my DS putting up with it and not saying anything if he were in the OP's DS situation.

I have discussed and agreed a code word with DS this evening, its a great idea and as verytellytubby says it could get a teenager out of a dodgy situation.

IloveJudgeJudy · 25/04/2012 22:10

Just told DS1 (17) about this thread. He can't (but sort of can iykwim) believe it. We've had plenty of people staying here, either pre-arranged or just sort of ad hoc. They've always been fed, or at least offered, and always offered showers, etc. Funnily enough, DS went to a friends whose parents were away, overnight a couple of weekends ago, just playing XBox, etc. Friend then brings up that DS had some toast while at his house. I couldn't believe it. The amount of food that is offered to people in this house and sometimes it is FHB if I haven't been shopping or made some bread that day, but no-one is ever left not being offered food and drink.

I also do know that he did stay at another friend's overnight. He and a third friends weren't offered any sheets or blankets - just a couple of dirty pillows without cases and a duvet with no cover. That was down to the boy, though. The parents had told him where all the clean covers were and he couldn't be bothered to sort them out. Also, his parents told him to cook for the other two, but he couldn't be bothered to do that, either.*

We also discussed the knowing the other people's parents. Went through a list of DS's close friends. One set of parents I know from before DC went to school, a couple I know just to say "hi" and quite a few I've never met. I think at 15+ you have to start to make your own arrangements and also learn to judge people. It's been a sad lesson for the OP's DS, one I wouldn't wish on anybody's DC, but OP and her DS will also have learnt other things from the weekend, about code words and what to do if things turn bad and OP isn't home.

MumPaula · 25/04/2012 23:32

Weird. Were they expecting him?
If if they weren't it's still weird. My teen has stayed over with friends last minute lots of times everyone feeds him, he and his friends even cook their own food when the parents have been working or went out for the evening.
I just can't get my head round it, it's so bizarre.

Bletchley · 26/04/2012 09:12

What is a good code word? Or phrase? It's a good idea I think.

OlaRapaceFru · 26/04/2012 09:29

I would say it would have to sound natural during a conversation. If you've got a pet your DC could ask "How's

catsrus · 26/04/2012 09:30

I had a sort of code word with one of my dds - if she said things were "OK" then they were not! if she was really OK, she'd say "it's good" or "great" or "fine" - I knew that the "OK" meant I had to ask "Do you want me to come and get you?"

She could then tell her friends that mean mother was insisting she come home because I'd just seen the state of her room or whatever.

It doesn't need to be a weird word, just a phrase that alerts you to ask the right questions that only need a "yes" or "no" answer from them.

StealthPolarBear · 26/04/2012 09:44

Ok so my dc need code words, thanks :) although nowadays don't they all have mobs? So can text "mum come and get me"? Ob v not in ops case but in general

OlaRapaceFru · 26/04/2012 09:46

Agreed, Stealth. But a code word is a good fall-back, just to be on the safe side.

StealthPolarBear · 26/04/2012 10:00

Yes, actually a 9yo probably wpuldnt have a phone, would they

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 26/04/2012 10:07

Good question, Bletchly I'd been pondering how to come up with a codeword myself. Ola I'm glad you suggested the pet thing; I shall discuss with ds :)

bigmouthstrikesagain · 26/04/2012 10:23

I find it intersting that there are comments on this thread relating to the failure of OP to 'check references' of the family that invited him to stay - I was 15 when I spent a weekend away sleeping on a friends floor 100's of miles from home travelling on trains with my friends some older others my age (drinking cider!!!Shock), selling our tickets to touts in Manchester for a gig we couldn't attend as we were under 18. I also used to go to gigs and miss the last train home on occassion so would sleep on the benchs outside the tube till first trains, this was in the stone age before mobile mass ownership so I would not have rung Mum (amazing she ever allowed me out really). So it is interesting how coddled we expect our children to be now.

I think the behaviour of the parents as described in the op is horrible - I would hate to think of a child of mine in this situation and cannot imagine the mindset of such people. But I think it might be a useful lesson the 15 yo should be aware that he does not have to put up with this treatment and that he must call his parents or a taxi home rather than be unhappy and uncomfortable (his Father could have picked him up perhaps??). A code word or phrase to save face would be a brilliant idea.

I hope your ds is not too shaken by his experience op - it is hard learning to deal with other adults bad behaviour. Sad

StealthPolarBear · 26/04/2012 10:30

His parents were away.
Agree with you tho by 15 you don't need to be handed over to the other parents and have communication about your favourite soft toy and what time is bedtime :o

bigmouthstrikesagain · 26/04/2012 10:35

Sorry I thought op mentioned he was going to stay at his fathers before the arrangemnet to stay at his friends was made - by which I thought he was not at the Caravan park and so would perhaps have been available to help his ds if required (obviously making all sorts of unsubstantiated assumptions there).

StealthPolarBear · 26/04/2012 10:37

Ah yes...you might be right. Confused!

FauxFox · 26/04/2012 10:58

Angel why not nip round with a bag of sliced bread/milk/teabags etc and knock on the door and say "look i'm really grateful you had DS for the weekend, if i'd known things were so tight for you i'd have left him some food for breakfasts and stuff, here's a few bits as a little thank you" "Must dash" Grin

sheeplikessleep · 26/04/2012 11:37

I also think it isn't just 'weird' behaviour. It's just plain bloody rude to have any guests staying a weekend, regardless of age and expect them to pay for their own food. Beggars belief.

LittleWhiteMice · 26/04/2012 11:57

you just dont do that.

this must be the first time for god, hundreds if not thousands of years that people have actually had to discuss something that is just surely ingrained in us as humans, to share food with guests, but bloody child guests.

i worry what society has come to.

maybe we should publish a book.

garlicnutter · 26/04/2012 16:33

something that is just surely ingrained in us as humans, to share food with guests

Agreed, LWM. I'd prefer to think the other boy's family are nutters, though, than portending the demise of human decency!

maggiethecat · 26/04/2012 23:35

Have not read entire thread but am glad that most seem to find the hosts' (ha ha) behviour to be outrageous.

Garlicnutter, I share your sentiment - must say though that I have come across people who are extremely tight with food, which tightness is not reflected in their general lifestyle.

maggiethecat · 26/04/2012 23:45

I find Alibaba's comment to be offensive to the OP (foisting her son off). Too often on this forum do people try to make unfounded assertions in a bald attempt to discredit the OP. You're not being provocative - just daft.

sosadforhim · 26/04/2012 23:56

Wow, I am amazed people would treat a child or anyone for that matter, like that. The thing is, you get a takeaway and there's always tonnes of food in the containers isn't there? SURELY if they were so tight and woulnd't buy the poor child some food, they could have shared it out?

Loving FauxFox suggestion!

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