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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected my son to have been fed?

373 replies

AngelWreakinHavoc · 23/04/2012 17:11

I wont blab on I will get straight to the point!

My ds (15) stayed at his friends house for the weekend, Friday night till Sunday night. All the time he was there he was not fed, no breakfast,lunch,tea, a snack NOTHING!

I made sure he ate friday before he went there but he asked for something to eat later on and was told he would have to buy his own food. At first in discussion with my OH we thought 'oh dear they must be skint and have no food in' then I thought well they either should have said he couldnt stay or shared food equally (I have done it many times fed loads of kids with very little food).

THEN......My ds told me, friday night they had a chinese and saturday night they had an indian, It beggers belief, My ds friends Dad drove them to the indian ordered food for the family then took my ds to the shop to get himself a microwave curry.Over the weekend all he had was 2 micro meals and a bought sandwich Luckily my ds had £10 with him which I presumed he would be spending on sweets probably a 4 pack (general stuff a 15yr old boy would buy).

I would not dream of having anyone stay at my house and not feed them or aibu?

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 25/04/2012 09:16

You are a nicer person than me then, because i wouldn't want to take this kid away with me! At 15, you know if things are unfair. Tucking into a nice takeaway whilst your pal sits waiting for the microwave to ping is mean.

But i wouldn't ring Social Services!! Hmm That's ridiculous.

ilikecandyandrunning · 25/04/2012 14:03

I really think you should say something - what are you reaching your ds by sweeping it under the carpet? You don't have to be rude just speak to them

Original poster
AngelWreakinHavoc · 25/04/2012 18:16

My son does not want me to speak to the parents and I completely understand why. If it was any of my other dc who are Younger then they wouldnt have a choice I would have been round there straight away.

I do not know the parents of the Friend, I have only met the Dad. I do not know anyone else who knows them.

I can not blame the friend for any of this as I said in an earlier post if he has been brought up this way then he will know no different.

I feel sorry for the Boy but going round there or calling ss is going to do him no favours at all.

My son is doing his GCSE's and the last thing he needs at school is to be having confrontations with his friend because I have been round to his house (probably in his eyes causing trouble).

I think having a 'code word' is an absolutley fab idea!!

OP posts:
Hownoobrooncoo · 25/04/2012 18:47

How did your 15 yr old stay there all weekend if you know next to nothing about the parents. Did actually speak to the parents and discuss anything before you left him? Finding this whole thing very bizarre. What would it take before you would actually do anything about quite abusive neglectful behaviour to one of your children. Are you sure your son is telling you the whole story?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/04/2012 18:49

Why did you let him stay there if you don't know the parents?

I think you foisted him on them for some free childcare while you were away for the weekend, so you are now embarrassed to pull them up on their awful behaviour.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2012 19:04

'How did your 15 yr old stay there all weekend if you know next to nothing about the parents.'

'Why did you let him stay there if you don't know the parents? '

15, yes a 15 year old!

Not 5.

Original poster
AngelWreakinHavoc · 25/04/2012 19:05

FGS! My ds was supposed to be at his Dads for the weekend but as he was INVITED to stay with a friend I thought it would be ok. My ds does not spend time away from home and has not been to a sleepover in possibly 6 months!

Saying I do not know the Parents does not mean that I did not confirm with them that it was ok for him to stay there the weekend. Like I said we spoke to the Dad!

My ds is 15 and he was VERY embarrased that we insisted on talking to the Dad of his friend before I let him sleep over.

I would NEVER 'foist' him on anyone And truely believe that he is telling the truth he has no reason to make any of this up!

I have nothing to be embarrased about Ali

I dont know what world you two live in but in my world I will not cause My dcs problems they do not need.

The thread was 'not should I contact the parents' but 'aibu to think my son should have been fed'. I have my answer now and thank you all for your feedback :)

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 25/04/2012 19:22

I understand exactly what you mean OP and think some of the comments are odd, my DD has a newish friend (they are both 9) friend came over for an afternoon and then the friend wanted to sleep over. We had no objection but called her parents, they know us to say hi to, school gates etc, we had a quick chat and she sleptover. That is normal fgs. Not all my DDs friends have parents who are MY friends!

Cherriesarelovely · 25/04/2012 19:23

And OPs son is 15!

Hownoobrooncoo · 25/04/2012 19:29

No I wouldn't let my 9 yr old sleep over at house last minute where I don't know the parents, don't know what's odd about that.

And OP's son was 15, so what, he was still treated appallingly and neglected.

sugarice · 25/04/2012 19:30

I'm with you Angel, after having a chat with the Dad about ds staying I would have assumed all would have been well with nothing to worry about.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/04/2012 19:32

I saw the OP say that she had spoken to the parents - because I read the thread - perhaps those who missed that bit might like to apologise to the OP for their unpleasant posts.

suburbophobe · 25/04/2012 19:35

Of course you would presume it would've been all right!

You'd hardly be thinking to ask on the phone "will you feed him and let him use the bathroom?" would you?!

Hownoobrooncoo · 25/04/2012 19:37

Well at least we have all learned that next time our children are staying at friends, we need to speak to the parents and make sure that they will be fed and watered, given access to toilet facilities and not made to sleep in the kennel - lesson learned, assume nothing.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2012 19:37

9 is completely different to 15.

Not odd to check out parents for your 9 YO, would be overbearing and embarrassing to go further than a phonecall with a 15 YO.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2012 19:40

You will let us know how that checklist goes down with the parents you ask won't you hownoo? Grin

Cherriesarelovely · 25/04/2012 19:48

I'm not saying you are odd Hownoo we were surprised that they were happy with it, in fact our DD is really shy so we were taken aback that her friend was so gung ho in comparison! We didn't really see any reason to question it if we were all happy about it. I was just making the point that it is not strange IMO that the OP didn't know the family that her 15 year old son was staying with aside from having had a chat with the dad on the phone.

youarekidding · 25/04/2012 19:48

At 15yo I would be ringing my parents to say I was staying at so and so's. They trusted me to stay at someones house and trusted me to call them if their was a problem.

The OP trusts her DS and he has felt able to tell his mum there were problems and indicate what he wants from the situation. think you both sound lovely angel.

SDT is right - read the thread, or at least the OP's replies before assuming something that is wrong.

Hownoobrooncoo · 25/04/2012 19:55

No Cherries. - what you said was 'that is normal FGS!'. I have a feeling you wouldn't be as keen to let your shy Dd stay over last minute with a friend you knew little about or were only on nodding terms with.

And yes assume nothing - I let my 8 yr old go round to his friends after school for a play date. To me that is the mum keeping them in sight like in the house or garden. Not letting them out to Rome around the neighbourhood out of sight and letting them watch movies I'd consider totally inappropriate, or playing COD.

toxtethogrady · 25/04/2012 20:01

I have been following this thread for a few days. i believe the original question was about whether the son should have been fed. Yes of course he should.

Why people do feel the need to speculate about someone else's parenting skills? Why the desire to go through every possible eventuality? I'm surprised people haven't had a go at the OP on the grounds of irresponsibility just in case aliens towed the caravan away in the night.

Dear me. OP YANBU.

LesAnimaux · 25/04/2012 20:01

Something's just occurred to me, If they only let him in the house when he really needed a poo, where did he wee? I hope they have nettles growing up the side of their house in a few weeks time. Grin

horsetowater · 25/04/2012 20:51

Zigzag what that man did was out of order - I can't believe people on here are implying it's your fault! He's a 15 year old, he doesn't need mollycoddling, but a bit of food would be nice really wouldn't it.

As I said before - this man is a big bully, eating in front of your dc without offering to share. It's despicable behaviour.

horsetowater · 25/04/2012 20:53

That was at OP, not Zigzg Blush

Cherriesarelovely · 25/04/2012 21:10

Hownoo sorry, you are right, I did say that. I apologise, I was thinking about the two issues at once, the staying over and the not knowing the parents.

Cherriesarelovely · 25/04/2012 21:12

I'm not disagreeing that OPs son was treated appallingly I am just saying that I don't think she was remiss because she didn't know the hosts that well, if you can call them that.

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