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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected my son to have been fed?

373 replies

AngelWreakinHavoc · 23/04/2012 17:11

I wont blab on I will get straight to the point!

My ds (15) stayed at his friends house for the weekend, Friday night till Sunday night. All the time he was there he was not fed, no breakfast,lunch,tea, a snack NOTHING!

I made sure he ate friday before he went there but he asked for something to eat later on and was told he would have to buy his own food. At first in discussion with my OH we thought 'oh dear they must be skint and have no food in' then I thought well they either should have said he couldnt stay or shared food equally (I have done it many times fed loads of kids with very little food).

THEN......My ds told me, friday night they had a chinese and saturday night they had an indian, It beggers belief, My ds friends Dad drove them to the indian ordered food for the family then took my ds to the shop to get himself a microwave curry.Over the weekend all he had was 2 micro meals and a bought sandwich Luckily my ds had £10 with him which I presumed he would be spending on sweets probably a 4 pack (general stuff a 15yr old boy would buy).

I would not dream of having anyone stay at my house and not feed them or aibu?

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 24/04/2012 22:04

Gnome might be on to something.

Yummymummyyobe1 · 24/04/2012 22:30

I would make an anonymous call to social services. If they can behave this way with another persons child how on earth do they usually treat their own son?

If they have nothing to hide then there will be no issue with social services contacting them. I would call and say something along the lines of "I'm calling as I witnessed some very alarming behaviour at , a teenager was left sleeping/living in a caravan on said drive and I noted that he was only allowed into the house once. It would appear that he was left with no basic amenities such as food, light, water etc"

xx

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 24/04/2012 22:42

Did your DS have to sleep in caravan alone or was his mate there? How very bizarre not to let him into the house except when desparate for the loo. What if he had been ill in the night or something?

It just does not make sense that anyone would behave like this - I can understand the caravan beling a bit of an adventure for a few hours, but to not let him into the house at all........

boringnickname · 24/04/2012 22:59

Yummymummy, why would you do that? what a waste of SS time! Hmm

Unless i have missed something, they just sound like inconsiderate fuckwits. The caravan thing wouldnt be too much of a problem to be fair, the boys probably would have enjoyed it. They were totally out of order not to provide him with a meal though

AgentZigzag · 24/04/2012 23:13

Agree with you boring, no need for SS, especially considering the OP's not contacting the parents to see what happened.

What would she say? They didn't feed my son and I know nothing else about the sons situation?

Hardly red flags of an abusive situation unless you over-read between the lines.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 24/04/2012 23:22

Angel if you take this boy away with you for the weekend (if it's what your son wants,) then you could subtly ask him about the weekend.

"What did you do over the weekend then XYZ? My DS loves a Saturday watching football/playing football/playing X-Box then a big bowl of soups and a bun. Do you do that sort of thibg"?
See if he squirms or if he says "No, we don't bother" then you could ask what they did.
As lots of the other posters have said, don't punish the boy because of the parents.


Though I had a situation with my DS (he's younger than your DS).
I will always cook and offer pizza, chips, chicken type meals and an ice lolly or ice-cream when my DC have friends round.
One friendship was very one-way, I was getting a bit <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Hmm" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/hmm-PR4o6B1t.png">. Until the party where my DS wasn't given any food except a 'small bit of cake' (his words).He was invited along later (that was the time he was told to turn up) all the food was gone.
I hadn't fed him at dinner because I assumed at a party he'd be fed. Even crisps, biscuits sort of food, he'd have been happy. But nothing.
I was really fecked off. I had a very hungry DS to feed . I didn't raise it, no point. But I cut the friendship off then and there.

But for a <strong>whole</strong> weekend is ridiculous. If your DS wants to continue with the friendship then he's old enough to make up his own mind. But don't let him stay there again.
NonnoMum · 24/04/2012 23:27

Actually, I agree with yummymummy.
If the family thinks that it is acceptable to not feed/allow bathroom access/allow teethbrushing to a guest (and an underage guest at that), and not just for a couple of hours but over the course of a weekend, then you can damn well appreciate that the children of the house aren't getting adequate care.

KickArseQueen · 24/04/2012 23:35

I think Gnome is on to something too!

AgentZigzag · 24/04/2012 23:43

But they did know the OPs son was eating though nonno, they took him to the shop so he could buy his tasteless micromeal.

They grudgingly let him use the loo rather than fertilise their flowers.

And you don't need water to brush your teeth.

I'm sure if the OP had any concerns at all about the way they treat their son she'd have mentioned them on the thread and be thinking about ringing them already.

NonnoMum · 24/04/2012 23:48

So, he bought a couple of micro meals in the evenings. But they provided NO breakfast, no lunch, no offer of any food to the boy to the boy whilst he was in their care.
Think how you would react if his school treated him this way, on a school trip for instance.
They neglected him.

missnevermind · 24/04/2012 23:54

The OP could phone the parents to thank them for having her DS for the whole weekend. And say that he was being silly? And claiming that he had had no food all weekend which of course would be rediculous as nobody would treat a guest like that.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/04/2012 23:56

I wonder whether it's worth having some sort of code word/sentence for our kids. Something not too obvious but could trigger some questions back that only require a yes/no answer. Easy to give over the phone even if someone is there.

Clearly your son, even at 15yo didn't feel confident to say he needed picking up ASAP but I wonder if you'd been able to ask the question, to which he could respond 'yes' might have helped him. Very easy for you to concoct a reason (uncle rushed to hospital etc) when you arrive at the house.

DD is only very little but it's a worry that there are some strange families out there and she could be in a similar situation.

Cherriesarelovely · 25/04/2012 00:07

purple that is a good idea. OP, does your DS think you ought to speak to the parents?

Hownoobrooncoo · 25/04/2012 00:09

Really, sounds very Mission Impossible, are you really devising plans to deal with these kinds of situations?

Cherriesarelovely · 25/04/2012 00:23

not really Hownoo my DD called me recently when she was at a friends (lovely people btw) and they had asked her if she wanted to stay the night. She was just getting over an illness and was not really feeling up to it but is quite shy and was worried about offending them so didn't want to say so. She called me and her friend was obviously in the room and so DD didn't feel she could easily say that she didn't want to stay. I think if she had had a sort of message that I could understand that meant she wasn't happy it would have been alot easier.

horsetowater · 25/04/2012 00:29

I would take round a tray of shepherds pie one day and tell them 'I understand that times are hard these days'. With a patronising look of pity and sense of community duty.

And yes, it is cruel. It's the kind of thing a bully would do to someone. Nasty. Don't forget his friend would have wanted to share the food - he was probably under instruction from the Dad not to share. I'd do a bit of snooping to see what else the Dad does to his kids.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2012 00:41

'Don't forget his friend would have wanted to share the food - he was probably under instruction from the Dad not to share. I'd do a bit of snooping to see what else the Dad does to his kids.'

Fucking hell, there's reading between the lines, and then there's Reading Between The Lines horsetowater!

augustajones · 25/04/2012 00:43

Wow! I keep saying it but people really never cease to amaze me.

I definitely wouldn't let my DS go there again. As for friend coming to you, then I just guess it depends how you feel about it. It's certainly not the boy's fault and, if his parents have always done odd things like this, he might think it's the norm! I know I didn't question my parents at that age (though they were fairly sane!).

In terms of confronting the parents, I just wouldn't bother. They are obviously on another planet. It would just be a waste of your time and energy. I had something similar happen when I was 15 (though very tame in comparison to your story) and my Mum rang up my friend's Mum to explain why she did what she did. A huge slanging match broke out. I just wanted to find a stone and crawl under it and hide. I never saw that friend again. :(

horsetowater · 25/04/2012 01:05

Agent, what I mean is, when a parent victimises someone (which is what has happened - he's deliberately fed himself and his family while the lad has sat hungry, I assume we're agreed on that?) the other people witnessing it become afraid that it might happen to them, it's deliberate, sends out a message of power. I've seen it happen in a family I know, it makes the 'favoured' person feel guilty and complicit in the abuse.

That's why I think there may be other stuff going on within the family. Why the hell else would anyone deliberately neglect a guest in their house?

SweetPea91 · 25/04/2012 01:07

I think you should really commend yourself that you have not gone round to their house and demanded to know what they were thinking. This is barbaric! Your son is still a child and has been treated appallingly. You are most definitely not being unreasonable!

garlicnutter · 25/04/2012 01:34

You sound really nice and very sensible, OP. I agree, it raises concerns about the friend's home life. I'm glad the boy's getting chances to spend time amongst sane hospitable people like yourselves. It can make a big difference :) Hope the Haven project goes well!

conorsrockers · 25/04/2012 06:38

That's sad. I imagine this poor kid doesn't know any different. If he was a really good friend of my sons I would invite him round as much as possible to stay so that he could see there is a different way. His friends parents will get the message filter through slowly, however, by the sounds of it - they couldn't give a toss. I absolutely would not take it out on his friend though. 15 is still young enough to be choosing paths, sounds like you and your family may be the decent role model that he needs.

Gotta love some people's overreactions to a joke about a 4 pack. I usually supply my 9 year old with a bottle of vodka on weekends away ... GrinGrinGrin

pigletmania · 25/04/2012 07:45

Good idea miss, this is something that I would need to speak to the parents about but in a subtle way. This cannot be brushed under the carpet, in a way they abused your son by neglecting and humiliating him

marriedinwhite · 25/04/2012 08:57

I've skimmed this OP. On occasion, only twice, I had had to join dh on business over a weekend and on those occasions, once when dc were 10 and 14 and once when they were 11 and 15 they have stayed with very good friends of theirs - separately. On both occasions because the friends' parents were to be in loco parentis and we were to be several hundreds of miles away the weekends were arranged well in advance, with contact numbers given and firm arrangements made. Both DC arrived with chocolates and wine was handed over when they were collected. We called both families each time on the Saturday night to make sure all was well.

The families we made these arrangements with have been known to us for many years (since reception) and we have visited their homes socially and they have visted us.

They way this family treated your son was disgraceful whatever the arrangements were but as they were in loco parentis I do rather wonder whether the arrangement was confirmed securely enough before your son stayed. If it was then I would be inviting myself round for a coffee to find out what happened because if they were aware they were in loco parentis then actually this was neglect and your son is still a child.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 25/04/2012 09:03

Interesting about the code word! Recently my DS phoned me from his friend's house asking if he could stay the night. As it happens, he is always keen for sleepovers everywhere and anywhere, so Of course I said yes, he was happy, had a great time. But... it did occur to me then that if he hadnt wanted to do something for some reason he would not have been able to alert me and wondered if we should have a code word. As t happens, DH and I have always had that arrangement - just not extended it to the DC Grin