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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected my son to have been fed?

373 replies

AngelWreakinHavoc · 23/04/2012 17:11

I wont blab on I will get straight to the point!

My ds (15) stayed at his friends house for the weekend, Friday night till Sunday night. All the time he was there he was not fed, no breakfast,lunch,tea, a snack NOTHING!

I made sure he ate friday before he went there but he asked for something to eat later on and was told he would have to buy his own food. At first in discussion with my OH we thought 'oh dear they must be skint and have no food in' then I thought well they either should have said he couldnt stay or shared food equally (I have done it many times fed loads of kids with very little food).

THEN......My ds told me, friday night they had a chinese and saturday night they had an indian, It beggers belief, My ds friends Dad drove them to the indian ordered food for the family then took my ds to the shop to get himself a microwave curry.Over the weekend all he had was 2 micro meals and a bought sandwich Luckily my ds had £10 with him which I presumed he would be spending on sweets probably a 4 pack (general stuff a 15yr old boy would buy).

I would not dream of having anyone stay at my house and not feed them or aibu?

OP posts:
more · 24/04/2012 17:42

for people to be at least interested in the other side, and not just immediately jump on the wagon with their pitch forks.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 24/04/2012 17:46

Exactly, PooPoo. It's not like any of us know who the ds's friend's parents are, and the OP's given no indication that she's been blathering to the neighbours Confused

Cherriesarelovely · 24/04/2012 17:58

WOW! How rude and unkind! That is dreadful! I recently had my DDs best friend over plus another friend till about 1pm, they had mid morning snack and then lunch. They were invited to her best friends house where they played till 6pm and in that time were not even offered a drink. I adore my friend (parent of DDs best friend) but I did think that was a bit off!

However, in her case it is just being a bit scatty. In this case OP it seems like a deliberate attempt to avoid including your DS. Sorry More but what possible reason could there be to explain this? Plus, this is an anonymous forum where people post dilemas like this all the time, it is not impossible but it is highly unlikely that this family will be on MN and will be recognised by neighbours etc!

Peppin · 24/04/2012 17:59

I can't actually believe that anyone would be so vile and rude, I'm so sorry for you and your DS.

My DS has a friend who comes round quite a lot at mealtimes and of course I always ask him to stay. He really enjoy his food - I cook "proper" food where his mum (by her own admission) is an exclusively tins and packets type. This boy is always loudly appreciative of whatever he is given and yet my son when (infrequently) at his house at a mealtime is never ever fed.

This drives my mum mental (she lives in next road) but I just think how sad for the other boy to have such an unwelcoming mother and at least he says thank you at ours! But people are very weird about this sort of thing.

If I were in your position, my DS would never be visiting that friend's house again!

AgentZigzag · 24/04/2012 18:04

If there's one thing I know about MN, it's that if there's an alternative plausible answer to be ferreted out, posters will dig about forever more - more. (Grin)

I take the OP at her DSs word, at 15 you know whether you've been fed or not.

It just so happens that in this case there isn't a plausible explanation for why someone hasn't fed and watered their guest, feeding someone is just such a basic need, not something that's in any way a grey area.

I don't feel enough sympathy for anyone who can't be arsed to share their food with a hungry teenager to root around for their side of the story.

more · 24/04/2012 18:07

I don't know, but I would want to hear their side. I always do. I have been on the receiving end.

Hownoobrooncoo · 24/04/2012 18:15

Yes but if they aren't challenged or given the chance to explain then they have got away with this Scott free. Win-win for them and the OP is still going to take their son away for a holiday and pay for it - if the story is true they must be laughing their arses off. This would annoy me that much, IMO their behaviour was abusive to the son - I would want to get to the bottom of it or the op could could continue to just smile and let them walk all over her (and her son). And it's not uncommon for tennagers to have hidden agendas or exaggerate things, if I was going to think these people are crap I would want to make sure I thinking it for the right reasons.

more · 24/04/2012 18:18

Surely if the op thinks there is any truth in this she would go, or send her son's father, speak to them!!

Hownoobrooncoo · 24/04/2012 18:23

I agree, with the details provided, then these people should be challenged or given a chance to explain - they neglected your child for 2 days or whatever it was. I would find it very hard to let this pass.

Sargesaweyes · 24/04/2012 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AngelWreakinHavoc · 24/04/2012 18:26

more My ds is 15 so he knows right from wrong.

He may be a lot of things ie lazy, cheeky(whitty) , confrontational but he is not a liar. He would gain nothing from making this up.
We have a very close relationship and I can tell when he is fibbing.
I have told only one person about this which is the woman who works for me, she has Children and I wanted her opinion, She was also gobsmacked!

As I said in my earlier posts both me and my ds will gain nothing from speaking to the parents. I dont want my ds having trouble at school due to me calling the friends parents. Also if the parents are as bad as I think they have proved to be they are, I would feel dreadful if they took it out on their son.

I have just asked my ds why he didnt tell me on the phone and his response was ' My friend was right next to me and if you had to come get me the caravan would not have been set up for this weekend'. I understand why he never told me on the phone.

When I picked up my ds on Sunday his first words when he got in the van was 'Are You making sunday dinner Mum' I told him I wasnt going too as it was late to which he replied 'Well i'm starving I've not ate'.
I presumed he meant since Lunch, didnt know the extreme till we got home.

Of course I made sunday dinner which we ate at 8pm haha

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 24/04/2012 18:37

There must be a reason, no one is that horrible surely? My house is a tip most of the time but I'd never send anyone away hungry because of it I might tell them not to come in the kitchen or whatever but I can't see any excuse to treat people like that. Therefore there must be an explanation.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 24/04/2012 18:52

Your poor DS - I can't imagine how anyone could treat a child like this! Shock Shock Shock However, would continue to take his mate as you have arranged, otehrwise it is a double punsihment for your DS not to have his friend with him. At least you are showing your DS how normal people treat other people's children.

nothappybunny457 · 24/04/2012 18:57

why do people find this so difficult to believe? a few months ago there was a thread on here about giving the babysitter a meal, or not, and i was in a minority of one (at least it felt that way) when i said that i would, and wouldnt dream of NOT leaving her a meal of some description. A society in which its okie not to feed someone in your employ.... well, its not that big a stretch to not feed a guest really.

I am very sorry that your son had to put up with such awful behaviour. Its unacceptable on every level.

Columbia999 · 24/04/2012 19:19

What a disgusting family. Even if their son hadn't cleared it with them properly to have his friend over, they still shouldn't have behaved in such a horrible, mean way. To not even let him go to the toilet? Unbelievably shitty behaviour.
OP you are the bigger person for still taking this boy on holiday with you, perhaps it might show him how normal nice people behave.

Olympia2012 · 24/04/2012 19:25

Angel... Your poor ds! He seems to have survived it tho and maybe learned a bit about others!

Does the friend have siblings? I'm wondering if other families have been treated the same

Hownoobrooncoo · 24/04/2012 19:36

Op. - you must know this family relatively well to entrust your son to them for a weekend. How do they normally come across, any ref flags?

Orangeyouabanana · 24/04/2012 19:39

The food issue is one i can not get my head around when i was younger and had people just pop round to play or hang out and it came to dinner time my parents expected they would stay and checked if they wanted to stay *we didnt force anyone to or hold them hostage i swear Wink and rang the parents to check it was okay if they could have dinner with my family
My dad once cooked a separate meal for one of my best friends who had been round for the day because she was allergic to the fish we were having for dinner so they wouldn't feel excluded from us

Even when i was round a new friends house i dont think i was never not offered something to eat or drink.
I even was round a friends house after i had finished dinner and we were going out and she was still eating dinner her parents still invited me in ) i was planning to go home and wait till she had finished) and made me at least have some toast as it wasnt "proper" (the words they used) for me to be watching someone else eat even though i had eaten my dinner already!!

I think its a manners/common sense/human decency thing that you treat others how you wish to be treated and as parents you treat other peoples children how you want your children to be treated

GnomeDePlume · 24/04/2012 19:39

Angel, just a thought. You mentioned that the friend stayed with you recently. Is there any chance that the friend told his father he had to but his own food (eg to cover up some cash gone missing or to get cash out of his parents)?

The father then thinks this is normal for that friendship so repays in kind.

Of course the friend cant say anything to his father as he will be in trouble.

Try asking your DS if this is what happened.

SlipperyNipple · 24/04/2012 20:04

I'm a bit surprised that you will not raise this with the parents of the other boy.

A - there may be more to this than meets the eye.
B - Your son may be telling you lies. Yes you THINK you know when he is lying but if he is very good at it then that is what you would think isn't it? Although I'm not saying he is lying just not to rule it out.
C - People who act like this may be abusing their own kids or neglecting them.
D - Don't you want to stop this happening to any other poor kid?

People like this need to know they are being unreasonable. If everybody is always too polite to ruffle a few feathers then nothing changes for the better.

ooer · 24/04/2012 20:12
Shock

Just Shock

pigletmania · 24/04/2012 20:15

That is downright rude and disgusting of your ds friends parents. When you offer to have a friend over you should pay or ther food. I would be having words with your ds friend parents

pigletmania · 24/04/2012 20:19

I would not allow my ds to say there again how awful Shock

Katie08 · 24/04/2012 20:19

That is so weird and quite cruel actually :(

Cherriesarelovely · 24/04/2012 20:20

I would be similarly outraged but I would not broach it with the other parents either and this is why.....this year I have attempted to "broach" a couple of tricky issues like this with other parents and to say it has not gone well is putting it mildly. In one case the parents were not close friends of ours so the effects haven't been as bad but in the other case the parents were very close friends and they have refused to speak to any of us ever since.

I think your son is telling you the truth and I think that some people are odd. I do not think it will make any difference talking to the parents, it will just cause problems for your son at school. My DD is 9 and the fallout has been bad enough but for a 15 year old it would be terrible.