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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree or to refuse?

249 replies

Mama1980 · 20/04/2012 17:08

Hi I posted here a while back asking if I bu in thinking my scars shouldn't matter in my brothers wedding pics- long story short I am badly scarred including in my face following a car crash, I truly don't care, wear a bikini etc my sons friends think its awesome as i told them to figure out what type of creature made them cue dinosaurs/sharks etc :) I am supposed to be bridesmaid for my brother when my sister in law to be started fussing and asked me to find some way to cover my scars-tbh I was very hurt we discussed it (brother to my defence) I offered to withdraw from either the wedding party/photos or both but brother wouldn't hear of it. Now future sister in law has asked me to cover up with a wrap and has not mentioned this apparently to my brother- oh this is such a headache I don't want to cause a row but my dd 14 is ready to boycot the whole thing if I am made to cover up -she s very protective. I just can't seem to get my sister in law to well view things normally! So should I give in and cover up as best I can or refuse? And she is being unreasonable isn't she? I haven't lost all sense of perspective? Thanks in advance for reading this- last time I received many helpful words so I'm just asking your perspective again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1980 · 25/04/2012 10:57

Thanks gin can't seem to stop crying I feel terrible I know it's not my fault and brother doesn't blame me in the slightest in fact he thanked me but is understandably very upset he insisted there is no going back he won't even consider it he says. He's calling everyone today and staying with me for the foreseeable future. Oh hell i truly truly wished she was just being bridezilla and had lost perspective Sad

OP posts:
GinPalace · 25/04/2012 11:04

Bollocks - just wrote a lengthy-ish post and got binned off the site and can't think how I said it now it has gone and I've had to log back in. Angry

LittleMissMcFartyPants · 25/04/2012 11:04

Oh no mama how awful that it's come to this Sad

I still think you were totally right.

No way should you cover up, your scars are part of you and your story and show that you survived. You are still you Angry

Bitch SIL should realise that life throws unexpected things at us and how would she feel if something happened to scar her Angry

You are clearly doing the right thing as your DD attitude is a testament to this.

She is an utter wankbadger to have suggested you cover up in the first place and to loose her marriage to be due to it Angry Angry

Ephiny · 25/04/2012 11:05
Shock

What a shame for everyone, especially your poor brother. But this is absolutely not in any way your fault, I think we can all see exactly who is at fault here! She has been absolutely awful, I certainly wouldn't be marrying someone who showed that sort of attitude towards my family or friends (or towards anyone really!)

Let's hope this is the shock 'bridezilla' needs to grow up and learn a little empathy and basic human decency! Or if she really isn't able or willing to do that, or to see what she's done wrong here, your brother is probably better off without :(

ChitChatFlyingby · 25/04/2012 11:05

It's not often people get a chance to see someone's true colours so vividly early in a relationship - your poor DB has. You have a truly wonderful DB, in fact your whole family sounds wonderful and supportive. Hugs to you all.

GinPalace · 25/04/2012 11:06

He will look back with more relief than sadness in the not so very distant future.
In the meantime I am not surprised you are crying to feel your brothers pain. :(
As Eldritch says a persons value system is fundamental and thank god he found out now and not after they had kids etc

rockinhippy · 25/04/2012 11:07

I'm so sorry for you & your DB that you are both going through this Mama :( :( but in the long run it really will be the best thing for your DB, your obviously very lovely & caring family & no doubt his friends too?

like I say above, Women like this immature self obsessed woman child, don't get better with age, only worse & further down the line your DB would likely have far more to lose - It took years for our old friend to recover financially from the beak up with his ex who sounds very much the same as this spoilt child of a woman - she somehow managed to walk away with half the value of the house he bought himself - despite her insisting she gave up work & became a housewife & paid NOTHING into it - she spent years forcing him to run up vast debts to renovate the place in the way SHE decided - along the way alienating ALL of his long term friends - us included as she became so insecure - she refused to cook, insisted they ate out every night at top restaurants - where she made him sit facing the wall, for fear of him eyeing up other womenHmm - she dumped him after he'd spent a fortune on a state of the art conservatory she wanted - telling him it was because the conservatory wasn't good enough & he hadn't listened - she was having an affair - turned out one of many

We still can't get our heads around the fact his latest love is EXACTLY the same, only older & he's marrying this one :( - we are almost all thats left this time round of his friends, as she's manipulated fights with all the others & then cried picked on to him - she tried with me too, but I was sober & didn't bite - she was visibly fuming when I walked away - yet managed not to let on to him all the way home

In short, I'm trying to get across just what a lucky escape your DB has had :)

GinPalace · 25/04/2012 11:08

Wankbadger Grin

Sorry not a time to laugh but that's a good un!!

OddBoots · 25/04/2012 11:10

Oh goodness, your poor brother for her to have turned out this way but it does sound like a lucky escape for him.

LittleMissMcFartyPants · 25/04/2012 11:11

I'm Angry on OPs behalf gin

That was one of the more subtle insults that were going on in my head Grin

GinPalace · 25/04/2012 11:14

Well Little Miss McFarty Pants I think I will be coming to you for all my insulting needs in future! Grin

RandomMess · 25/04/2012 11:15

Oh dear, it's really sad, but definately for the best in the long run.

GinPalace · 25/04/2012 11:21

I am
Angry for OP
:( for OP's DB
and Grin that the nasty child has lost a great guy she had managed to get her claws in.

Oh dear I am revealing a rather dark side to myself there aren't I. Hmm

diddl · 25/04/2012 11:22

Well I´m glad he had to strength/courage to do it.

Hope all goes OK with him for the letting people know.

Actually, she should be doing it & telling people why...

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 25/04/2012 11:39

OP, I'm so sorry your brother is going through such unhappiness, but at the same time it does sound as though he's had a narrow escape!

She was being an utter bitch, not that you need me to tell you that. Your brother and your DD are both obviously amazing, loving, loyal people. You must have brought up your DD very well and you should be very proud of her.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 25/04/2012 11:39

And yes, she should be the one explaining to people exactly why the wedding is off!

DogEared · 25/04/2012 11:43

Oh dear, I hope you're okay. You know it is utterly her fault.

Noqontrol · 25/04/2012 11:46

I think your brother has really had a lucky escape. Imagine how things would have been in the future after kids etc. He will find himself a beautiful girl with some common decency, and you will all look back with a sigh of relief. I know it's hard now, but things will get better and your brother will have a chance of a good relationship with someone nice, rather than being tied to some selfish thoughtless cow. X

youarekidding · 25/04/2012 11:57

Oh no Sad I'm am sorry for you DB. I think though this decision shows what a strong and coragous family you are all.

That X!£$^^$&* DOES NOT deserve to be part of it. Angry

ReindeerBollocks · 25/04/2012 11:57

Hope you are ok OP, remember this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her and her vile nature. Plus, she tried to deceive him by having this 'chat' with you privately in the first place. Hardly a great basis for a marriage - one based on lies and ill feelings towards the in-laws.

At least he has stood up his family, he, like your daughter, is clearly a very lovely person - his fiancée was lucky to have been involved with him in the first place.

madhairday · 25/04/2012 12:09

Your brother sounds like a lovely person and deserves better. I'm so sad for you that all this happened but it is in no way your fault - you have been dignified and fabulous through it all as has your DD and DB.

Biscuitbreaker · 25/04/2012 12:24

Oh Mama1980 ? I'm sorry to hear it has come to this. But her behaviour has been hideous over this. Whilst none of us know her to look at the rest of her behaviour, on this alone, she doesn't come over well. I wonder what she is telling people as to why the wedding is off...

Whilst I'm sure you don't want to be in the middle of it all, your brother and the rest of your family sound amazing, especially your daughter - what a girl! It sounds like you've all been through an awful time and hopefully you can just enjoy being with the people you love as you support your brother.
x

muffinino82 · 25/04/2012 12:38

Good for your brother for sticking by you. Lucky for him he knows that his ex-fiancee is a shallow bitch before he's legally bound to her and has spent a fortune on a wedding.
I don't think her age is an excuse for her views, 24 is more than old enough not to care about what a person with scars will look like in her wedding photographs. If you were the one who was worried about what you will look liker in them (which you shouldn't be), then I would expect any decent person to reassure you that it makes no difference how you look and mean it.

Lucky escape there all round. I hope you and your brother are ok.

MrsSnow · 25/04/2012 13:18

Well done to your brother for seeing her for what she really is and for having the courage to stand up and say enough is enough. I have no doubt in my mind that he will find someone truely lovely and worthy of joining such a positive family. I wish him all the best. But please don't feel about this. This isn't about you, this is about her and her issues.

Good luck to your brother.

sue52 · 25/04/2012 13:32

I know he's heartbroken at the moment but he has been saved from a lifetime of commitment to a shallow selfish woman. I'm sure he'll find someone who will be his perfect fit as he sounds like a great man. I'm so sorry that you have put through the wringer in this way.