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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree or to refuse?

249 replies

Mama1980 · 20/04/2012 17:08

Hi I posted here a while back asking if I bu in thinking my scars shouldn't matter in my brothers wedding pics- long story short I am badly scarred including in my face following a car crash, I truly don't care, wear a bikini etc my sons friends think its awesome as i told them to figure out what type of creature made them cue dinosaurs/sharks etc :) I am supposed to be bridesmaid for my brother when my sister in law to be started fussing and asked me to find some way to cover my scars-tbh I was very hurt we discussed it (brother to my defence) I offered to withdraw from either the wedding party/photos or both but brother wouldn't hear of it. Now future sister in law has asked me to cover up with a wrap and has not mentioned this apparently to my brother- oh this is such a headache I don't want to cause a row but my dd 14 is ready to boycot the whole thing if I am made to cover up -she s very protective. I just can't seem to get my sister in law to well view things normally! So should I give in and cover up as best I can or refuse? And she is being unreasonable isn't she? I haven't lost all sense of perspective? Thanks in advance for reading this- last time I received many helpful words so I'm just asking your perspective again.

OP posts:
NicholasTeakozy · 20/04/2012 17:27

She's being vvvvv u.

Original poster
Mama1980 · 20/04/2012 17:27

I think she asked me as my brother insisted. The dresses are quite revealing I'm not sure why she didn't think of this. My scars are deep and ther is no way really to make them disappear or cover them even jn a neck to toe dress, unless she wants me to wear a veil even if i wanted to which i dont! To be honest I'm trying to find anyway she can come out of this looking ok but failing. No idea what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1980 · 20/04/2012 17:29

It's just a flesh wound - I would to keep the peace but my dd won't hear of it and plus part of me thinks she is right and what kind of example am I setting to her and my son 4 if I do.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 20/04/2012 17:29

The only way to allow her to come out of this OK is to give her a last chance: either accept you as you are or you will simply withdraw from being a bridesmaid and let her deal with the fallout.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 20/04/2012 17:31

Of course your DD won't hear of it! She's proud of her amazing mum!! And rightly so.

NarkedPuffin · 20/04/2012 17:31

For all those giving the benefit of the doubt to the SIL please read the OP

First 'sister in law to be started fussing and asked me to find some way to cover my scars'

Then she tried the wrap.

SoupDragon · 20/04/2012 17:31

ask her how she would feel if you, say, asked her to cover her face with a veil because she is so ugly?

Original poster
Mama1980 · 20/04/2012 17:31

My parents don't know and would raise hell if they did. No one else is wearing a wrap, it's a summer wedding. I really am trying very hard to excuse my future sister in law but can perfect photos ever mean this much.

OP posts:
PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 20/04/2012 17:32

Unless all bridesmaids were wearing this wrap which doesn't sound the case, I would refuse to be bridesmaid for them and tell your brother why.

NarkedPuffin · 20/04/2012 17:32

You could always suggest you're happy to wear a full length dress. A white one. With a veil Wink

claudedebussy · 20/04/2012 17:33

i think you can't be a bridesmaid. i would not wear a wrap. how bloody insulting.

madmouse · 20/04/2012 17:33

Looking back at my wedding pictures I treasure the fact that those I love are in it. I cannot imagine treasuring them less because one special person was covered in scars.

If you want to excuse her say she's being bridezilla, carried away hyped up by bridal magazines.

DH is a minister and always does his best to get couples to focus beyond the day, to the whole life they will be sharing...

PurpleRomanesco · 20/04/2012 17:34

Please don't give into her. Sad

Your scars are part of you and you should not have to cover up if you wouldn't normally just to please her.

Tell her she is being superficial and is hurting you and your family by behaving this way.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 20/04/2012 17:35

:o narked! love it.

She is BVU. Don't wear a wrap - what kind of example does that set for your kids? :(
Tbqh I'd mention it to your bother and I'd probably refuse to be BM out of anger

NarkedPuffin · 20/04/2012 17:35

I would withdraw as a bridesmaid and tell your brother why. He deserves to know. Her behaviour is truly Shock and I'd want to know if someone I was going to marry treated my sister like that. Hell, I'd want to know if they treated anyone like that.

FridayOLeary · 20/04/2012 17:36

If she is getting you and the other bridesmaids a wrap, then I'd wear it. If I was cold and everyone else was covered up warm as well

But if you're the only one - then NO WAY.

What would happen if you said to your brother that you thought there was still a problem and therefore were considering not being a bridesmaid?

SoupDragon · 20/04/2012 17:37

"I really am trying very hard to excuse my future sister in law"

You can excuse her on the basis that weddings do strange things to many brides. It doesn't make it right or acceptable but, once she comes out of her bridezilla haze, she should be mortified.

CaptainVonTrapp · 20/04/2012 17:37

YANBU.

My jaw just dropped when I read this.

Your sil is inexcusable. I hope one day she looks back on this and begs your forgiveness.

You sound so confident OP and she sounds utterly shallow and vain.

Itsjustafleshwound · 20/04/2012 17:39

Unfortunately, this woman is going to be a part of your life for a long time. Your daughter's views are admirable and the SIL to be sounds a complete plank, but sometimes you need to choose your battles.

After all, the SIL is making it an issue - could you not wear the cover up for the photos and then lose it somewhere???

Original poster
Mama1980 · 20/04/2012 17:39

even a wrap won't cover my face, but Grin at the thought of white and a veil. thanks so much everyone for the support. My son and I nearly died for months we fought for our lives, I think the fact that these scars are the only ones I bear is a reason to show them off proudly.

OP posts:
scentednappyhag · 20/04/2012 17:41

Wow. Just... Wow Sad
I wanted my wedding pictures to have the people I love in them, everything they were with no dilution.
Asking you to cover your scars is asking you to deny part of yourself, and is quite frankly disgusting.
I hope your DD carries on growing up to be the lovely person she sounds like.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen · 20/04/2012 17:41

My Grandmother was 4 foot tall exactly. On hindsight I should've asked the selfish bitch to wear stilts so as not to ruin my day.

NarkedPuffin · 20/04/2012 17:42

That's the only thing that might mitigate it SoupDragon - if she realises that she's being a complete nightmare and that her behaviour is completely unacceptable and offensive.

Itsjustafleshwound · 20/04/2012 17:42

Don't add to your brother's stress and put him in the middle of this. Go with bridezilla - you know your brother has your back ....

MigratingCoconuts · 20/04/2012 17:43

I remember your first thread and cannot believe that she is still trying this Shock

I echo everything everyone else has said. she is being very unreasonable!!!

you do need to talk to your brother about it.

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