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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree or to refuse?

249 replies

Mama1980 · 20/04/2012 17:08

Hi I posted here a while back asking if I bu in thinking my scars shouldn't matter in my brothers wedding pics- long story short I am badly scarred including in my face following a car crash, I truly don't care, wear a bikini etc my sons friends think its awesome as i told them to figure out what type of creature made them cue dinosaurs/sharks etc :) I am supposed to be bridesmaid for my brother when my sister in law to be started fussing and asked me to find some way to cover my scars-tbh I was very hurt we discussed it (brother to my defence) I offered to withdraw from either the wedding party/photos or both but brother wouldn't hear of it. Now future sister in law has asked me to cover up with a wrap and has not mentioned this apparently to my brother- oh this is such a headache I don't want to cause a row but my dd 14 is ready to boycot the whole thing if I am made to cover up -she s very protective. I just can't seem to get my sister in law to well view things normally! So should I give in and cover up as best I can or refuse? And she is being unreasonable isn't she? I haven't lost all sense of perspective? Thanks in advance for reading this- last time I received many helpful words so I'm just asking your perspective again.

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 20/04/2012 17:43

Delurking to tell you your DD is awesome. Listen to her. You raised her well.

TastesLikePanda · 20/04/2012 17:45

Well - you have two choices here...

tell your brother how upset you are (because franky he deserves to know)

or

Don't tell him, and kick her in the cunt.

[lowers tone]

CaptainVonTrapp · 20/04/2012 17:47

btw I think your brother should know the situation too. He's not a child, its his wedding too and this is his wife to be. He has a right to know what he's getting into...

GriseldaClement · 20/04/2012 17:47

I am so sorry that your future sil lacks empathy, compassion and brains. I would withdraw as a bridesmaid and wear a really beautiful strapless dress and have lots of pictures taken with your fantastic daughter!

mum47 · 20/04/2012 17:47

She is being VU. If she has an issue she could have privately dealt with that by choosing dresses that were a bit more modest for all bridesmaids and no need for anything to be mentioned (though you might still have known). Would she tell you to change your hairstyle if she didn't like it, or to diet if she thought you were too fat for her liking? I think bro should be having a very strong word with her before things get out of hand and the day is in danger of being ruined by somebody saying something they might really regret.

SoupDragon · 20/04/2012 17:48

The only problem with going along with this is that it is going to be quite clear to your brother that she continued to hassle you about it

TheseGoToEleven · 20/04/2012 17:48

I remember your original thread. i thought you were fabulous then, and now I extend that to your DD. Your future SIL is, however, rather unfabulous.

I saw a wonderful phrase on here the other day: how would you like your fuck off, fast or slow? Made me chuckle. I would use that on her!

And does your brother know how shallow she is?!

eurochick · 20/04/2012 17:50

What an unpleasant woman.

Perhaps withdrawing from the wedding might be best, and I don't mean so she gets what she wants. You will have taken the moral high ground, your brother will see that he is marrying a shallow twat and she will feel bad.

As a guest you will probably have a nicer day anyway.

Noqontrol · 20/04/2012 17:50

She is being very unreasonable and quite unpleasant. I wouldn't cover up, unless it's something you want to do. I can't believe she would ask such a thing.

cwtch4967 · 20/04/2012 17:51

Don't cover up! You are who you are - SIL is being a total cow. Your brother needs to know, I think you should tell your parents too. Why are you woried about SIL looking bad - she deserves to be told how offensive she is being.

IslaValargeone · 20/04/2012 17:54

Haven't seen your other thread but am Shock at this one.
Can't really add to what everyone else has said, but you sound bloody marvellous trying to handle this in a way that your sil to be still comes out smelling of roses. She does not deserve you.
I think I'd be inclined to withdraw if it was possible. It boils my piss that the whole spirit of a marriage is often overshadowed by the superficiality of the wedding photos and other nonsense.
Your daughter sounds fabulous. I'm not one to generally indulge in lowering the tone but I did nod in agreement at panda's post.

igggi · 20/04/2012 17:55

She is being unreasonable.
The one sympathy I have for her however is that I strongly feel bridesmaids should be entirely the bride's choice, wouldn't pick a future sil for this unless she was (independently) my friend too.

McKayz · 20/04/2012 17:55

SIBU!!!

Don't you dare cover up your scars. They are a part of you. Your DD sounds fabulous.

I would tell SIL to be that either you wear the dress and don't cover up or you aren't going to be a bridesmaid.

Plus tell your brother she's at it again.

AutumnSummers · 20/04/2012 17:59

I would drop out on principle. i have nystagmus (Eyes bounce arond) and was bridesmaid for my Uncle, crazy eyes and all in the pics. If his wife-to-be had asked me to wear sunglasses or such then there would have been an outcry!!

Your brother is marrying a very offensive lady indeed.

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 20/04/2012 17:59

You need to speak to your brother. Tell him how uncomfortable you are.

Your DD sounds fab though. You should be incredibly proud of her being do strong and independent at such a young age.

DublinMammy · 20/04/2012 17:59

She's a stupid bitch, don't cover up. I would tell her that as she seems to be uncomfortable with how you look you don't think it's appropriate to be her bridesmaid. Then wear a string bikini to the wedding and dance on the table, muscle your way into every photo and be sure to object loudly at the right time during the ceremony.

Oh! And exercise Panda's option 2.

Dancergirl · 20/04/2012 18:05

Completely agree, she sounds vile.

Your dd sounds wonderful, I hope I bring mine up to be like her Smile

Personally I would do the following: quietly agree to her requests without making much of it. Then on the day you just 'forget' the wrap. She won't make a scene on her big day.

That way you can go to your brother's wedding but no more stress beforehand.

RevoltingPeasant · 20/04/2012 18:06

OP you sound really dignified and quite amazing about this.

If it were me: I would go to see your bro and her together, tell them quietly and nicely but firmly that you are backing out of the wedding because you don't feel that you can accede to her request. And then don't be persuaded back.

You can't bargain with a person like this. Keep your dignity, go to the wedding as a plain old guest, get them a lovely present and be very nice to them.

If you confront her about the wrap thing and she backs down, you just know there will be some nonsense on the day, right before the photo, where she tries to embarrass you in front of other people or something. Just don't play ball. Drop out of your own accord and stuff her.

RevoltingPeasant · 20/04/2012 18:08

Also if you tell her your bro privately with the idea that you are upset you will start a three person tussle.

It's like terrorists: just don't negotiate. Go and enjoy the wedding, have a dance with your bro, and enjoy the stress of not being part of the wedding party and having to put up with bridezilla's crap.

SCOTCHandWRY · 20/04/2012 18:13

Saw the previous thread. SIL obviously shallow and unthinking - strapless, revealing dresses but wants you to hide your self???? She is B very U.

Vixxen · 20/04/2012 18:21

She sounds so shallow. What an awful person. I'd tell your brother and make sure he knows how upset you are about it!

Or... Agree to cover up.. but take the cover off when it gets to the photos. That way if she says anything people will see how vile she is and if she doesn't it will really piss her off (although this is just what i would do! If someone upsets me i make sure they know about it!! But for the record i would never ask what she is asking of anyone, how vile!)

fuzzpig · 20/04/2012 18:29

DO NOT give in.

Refuse to be BM and tell everyone why. I would.

Nasty, insensitive bitch. The total opposite to your DD who sounds wonderful.

fuzzpig · 20/04/2012 18:32

I think this should happen before the day - as soon as possible. If you suddenly made a point at the time, you would end up being the bad guy for ruining her day.

The fact that you are even trying to give her the benefit of 'not making her look bad' shows just how lovely you are. But in this instance she does not deserve your kindness, she really doesn't.

She does not accept you for who you are.

AuntieMaggie · 20/04/2012 18:37

Please don't give in.

I don't even know you and i'm proud of you and your daughter. I have scars on my stomach.from major surgery and i hate them but hopefully one day i can accept them enough.to not care if they show through certain clothes and wear a bikini.

Sausagedog27 · 20/04/2012 18:40

Accept the wrap, then get get 'bride insisted on me wearing this wrap to cover up my scars' printed on the back- should look wonderful in the wedding pictures! How awful, you are who you are and she should respect that. What next, offering plastic surgery to other bridesmaids who don't come up to scratch. Am very angry on your behalf.

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