to get arsey right back when dh was arsey with me for being uncontactable by phone for 90 minutes?

[bibbitybobbitybunny]

I am fecking livid and feeling extraordinarily sorry for myself all at the same time.

Basically, I sahm, and dh is self employed, works all over the place, random hours, goes away, no two days are the same sort of gig.

The dc are at primary school.

Anyway, nice day here, sun is out and I thought I'd make the most of it because there has been so much rain, with more to come, so I'd go out and do some gardening.

Meanwhile, school phoned here on the landline and on my mobile to say ds was feeling poorly and could I bring him home.

Well - I didn't hear those calls.

So they phoned dh and when he couldn't get hold of me either, he decided to leave work, come home on the bus (45 minutes) and collect ds from school.

When it started to rain and I came in from the garden, I picked up a call from school and said yes I'll come and get ds (we live 5 minutes walk away).

Met dh bringing ds home while I was on my way down to school!

Dh was very arsey with me for not having my mobile out in the garden.

I said fuxake, do I have to be at everyone's beck and call every minute of the chuffing day?

If I am not there to pick up the slack re. childcare then suddenly everyone is terribly inconvenienced, but does he appreciate me for being there to take care of this sort of thing normally? Does he my arse.

I really truly feel like fucking off on my own for a couple of weeks .

Bibbity, take that money and stay somewhere nice for a few days - on your own.
Leave him home with the kids for a day or two so that you can both think it over, dont let him be the one to be able to walk away with no ill effects to him.

life, I have been both a wohp and a sahp and in the past I never really gave much thought to what other people's opinions were - I just did what I thought was best at the time.

However, since being on MN I have read so many threads where the husband has felt that he is somehow the more important person in the relationship (and therefore entitled to more sleep/not to do any childcare/housework), because what he does, generates money and has so little appreciation of the fact that what the sahp does enables him to go to work and not have to worry about anything at home. And then, when they do occasionally have to step up and do something for their own wives or kids, they act like it's a huge imposition.

I have started to realise that so many people don't see the decision to have a sahp and a wohp as a fair division of labour and think of sahp as sponging off their partners. A lot of people seem to think that a sahp should be sooo grateful for this 'opportunity', as if their woh partners are doing them a huge favour and gain nothing in return. There is little recognition of the fact that wohp (men, generally) benefit hugely from having a sah partner or that it has a lot of negative repercussions for the woman in terms of pension/career progression/earning potential.

It's hard not to take it personally(even though I am married to a man who does appreciate me and doesn't take me for granted). I really feel for the women I read about on these threads, where their husbands seem to have abdicated any responsibility for doing anything (beyond earning money) and talk to their wives like shit.

I get so angry because all the time sah is valued so little by society, we will continue to see men walking all over their wives and other people behaving as if a sahm has to be on call 24/7 in order to justify the huge privilege of being at home and ignoring the fact that they have often made huge sacrifices too, in order to do this.

Hear Hear Karma!

Bibbity, I am so sorry and sad that things have escalated to this point

FWIW, at this point, I think it was unfortunate that you were uncontactable, but in no way a reflection on your role as a SAHM in general, which some of the posts on this thread horrifyingly seem to suggest.

At the most it should have prompted a discussion, and perhaps alternative plans, and a chance for you both to re assess things.
The problem with being a SAHM I should imagine is that there is no 'line', so once partner comes home, very often the Mum role just blends into one. I say this as someone who worked from home and as a result was also a SAHM. And however much I loved the role, I needed to be off duty sometimes.

for you, you sound so disheartened by it all. x

The bit I put about a SAHP role not paying the mortgage was in response to Bibbity being pissed off as well that once home, her DH didn't stay at home - rather he went back to work. Unfortunately, most jobs demand that you are there in order to do that job, so I don't think she is being reasonable in any way at all to get cross that he returned to work.

I totally appreciate how much easier life is when one of you is a SAHP - I am currently on mat leave and both me and my DH know how much better he can do his job when I'm here all the time. As I'm normally a part-time working mum I also certainly don't see the SAH bit as being the easy job either!

Anyway do hope you work things out Bibbity.

sorry spammertime, I wasn't having a dig at you. I just get very frustrated by threads (not just this particular one) where some posters only see value in work that directly generates a monetary value. I think they are not always looking at the bigger picture.

karma - you make a good point, I was wondering why it mattered what others mothers thought, obviously that's a totally different point to the sahp being taken advantage of by the wohp.

Sadly I think there are very many men (and I think it is mainly men) who think that providing the money absolves them from any further responsibilites for their families.

Sorry but YWBU and I'm no 'Stepford wife' I work full time but it's just a matter of convenience- if you worked five minutes away from school it would make more sense for you to collect your child also

ummm whaleoil have you read the thread?

This is why I hate it when people just jump in and only bother to read the OP

Bibitity book relate.

I often go to the gym and forget my phone.

Yes thanks

As a single parent I have to say I would love a housekeeper, cook, secretary, nanny, chauffeur, nurse, etc., to handle everything I do for the family (and always have done) but I can't afford any of those professionals.

Whale, so you've seen this has gone beyond a simple AI/AIN BU and the OP could probably do with supportive comments rather than further comments telling her SWBU
Presumably

This would cause an argument in our relationship too.In the heat of the moment DH would be annoyed at having to leave work when I was 5 minutes away and he would have the right to be annoyed - I have periods of working too and its not easy to disappear. However in the heat of the moment I would also be be very pissed off at his annoyance at what was just one of those things. We'd probably have almighty row.

But this would just be temporary, after a couple of hours bickering I would realise that he was talking out of frustration and stress and he would realise that it was daft to think I could be contacted at all times. Then one of us would apologise and life would go on. I would make a bit more effort with the mobile and he wouldn't rise to the same situation again (unless I was uncontactable for hours and hours!).

Clearly the OP has longstanding issues in her relationship relating to her DH's respect of her role. I can easily see how if this was one in a long line of disputes revolving around respect of her role as SAHM it would spiral out of control and the OP just couldn't bring herself to at least identify with his frustration, even though she hadn't done anything wrong.

Op - OFCOURSE YWNBU to into the garden without your phone!! And facing arsiness with arsiness is a normal. Hope you are ok.

Bibbity, how are you today? Did you get anything resolved over the weekend. Are you feeling any happier? I hope you are ok.

I can see why both parties are annoyed with the other. But surely to separate over something so trivial in the overall scheme of things.

Unless this is symptomatic of some deeper problem, I hope that the op and her husband manage to chalk this one up to experience and to communicate better with one another. This really is one of those petty, annoying things that happen to every couple from time to time.

"you went out without your mobile again didn't you?"

That 'again' smacks of the sort of 'you always' and 'you never' statements that will kill a relationship dead every time. People who use statements like that are not interested in taking things one day at a time, one argument at a time, or giving the benefit of the doubt. They are keeping score (and coming out ahead of the other person) and making a hobby of martyrdom or dishing out criticism.

I really agree with you on that math. And it is a difficult mindset to reason with.

I also hope bibbity is 'ok'.

I got about 1/3 of the way down and got depressed reading. How is a SAHP's role PURELY to be at the beck and call of school in case a child is sick? And what do you all expect to happen if it is a "both parents working" household with a sick child in the middle of the school day?

If the SAHP had been at a medical appointment with other child or herself so couldn't run to school, would that have been different?

If the SAHP had been in the beauticians getting her nails done, or meeting friends for coffee, would that have been different?

If the SAHP had been in their own parents or ILs house, providing some care and company for them, would it have been different?

If the SAHP had been minding a smaller child at home and couldn't physically leave for some time, would that have been different?

If the SAHP had been struggling with something medical themselves and retired to the bed for a couple of hours sleep to be able to function for the rest of the day, would that have been different?

If the SAHP had been doing the weekly shop in the town 20 minutes away and loading the conveyor belt with a full trolley meaning it would be at least 35 minutes before dealing with it, would THAT have been different?

I have a lot of problems with the OH getting arsey on, what seems to be an initial overreaction to the call, but the expectation here that the SAHP should be completely at the beck and call of the children astounds me. There are times when either a SAHP or even a WOHM CAN drop everything and run to deal with poorly child - but there are equally times when either or both types of parent cannnot drop everything and run to the child. I have tried to paint a range of different scenarios rather than just "I was out doing the gardening" (which seems to have been read as "I was enjoying some quiet me-time in the garden, dossing off and relaxing, when I should have been sitting on tenterhooks with mobile in hand just in case there was a problem in the school").

I have a major problem with the way society as a whole (in general) expects everything to happen now, if not 5 minutes ago. You are expected to react instantaneously to everything and be able to juggle everything too all the time. And that is just not possible. Not every family has the luxury of having a SAHP, of being available most of the time, of having wider family back-up, of living 5 mins walk from school, and of having a mobile phone. Yes I am serious - not everyone has a mobile (for economic or personal reasons).

And I also hate the sense of entitlement that says that once you have kids, you have no right to a personal life or anything beyond the kids. You are their parent (particularly their mother) and hence you WILL be available 24-7 to deal with the most minor of problems, as well as the major ones, no matter how much it inconveniences the rest of your life.

Sorry, rant over but this really struck a chord with me (and sorry OP, this is sooooo not directed at you).

Oh dear, I've just seen the update from Bibbity, I hope you are ok. :(

Biddy, scroll upthread a bit - you are not alone in your pov. I got very irate reading this thread too

Yep. Me too karma.

I work fulltime out of the home and something it's hard to get away in an emergency but allowances are made - if I say to school' I'm really sorry but I can'g be with you for 40 mins', they'll accept that because they know I'm at work. And at least being in an office makes me contactable because what I am doing doesn't make it hard to reach over and pick up a phone. When you're a SAHP there are million and one things you could be doing that make you out of contact for a period of time. And i think it's a bit shit that no allowances are made for that too! Mind you there is no evidence that the school wouldn't have done so - bibbitys OH just decided to make a point with his dramatic appearance and sarcastic comments.

I also particularly agree with:

"I have a major problem with the way society as a whole (in general) expects everything to happen now, if not 5 minutes ago. You are expected to react instantaneously to everything and be able to juggle everything too all the time. And that is just not possible. Not every family has the luxury of having a SAHP, of being available most of the time, of having wider family back-up, of living 5 mins walk from school, and of having a mobile phone. Yes I am serious - not everyone has a mobile (for economic or personal reasons). "

Until recently I didn't have a mobile. The world didn't stop turning.

sorry for the OP, mistakes happen, same happened to someone I know last week

but correct me if I am wrong, having a SAHP for many is a luxury, you earn less but have the happiness (or whatever the word is) of knowing your child is 100% cared for. so its kind of the SAHPs job to handle the school phone calls?

That said, I fucking HATE it when men demean their SAH partners, hate it

Comin on here has made me 100% appreciate what my SAGP DP does

its OUR money bar my little offshore caymans fund

It is primarily the sah parent's job to deal with school phone calls, but no one can be 'on call' all day every day. There should be some understanding of the fact that the sahp may be somewhere where they are temporarily unavailable.