Step children staying overnight

[Lisa249]

At the moment my husbands 2 children aged 7 and 9 stay with us every other weekend. im currently 4 months pregnant. at the moment we are having to move house, but on the current market i struggling to find a house to cater my husbands office, new baby and 2 step children staying overnight every other weekend. Ive asked my husband if he can see is children once a week for the day instead of every other weekend and them staying overnight. My husband is adamant he wants the children to stay over night and doesnt agree with my suggestion. Im getting highly stressed looking for a house to cater for all his needs i.e his children, gym equipment and office. Do you think im being unfair in asking that the children dont stay over night? That way we will find a house quicker as we dont have to accomidate the children sleeping over.

I think this thread is a wind up.. it must be..

I agree that step-children are part of your family too.... but, if this were a thread about Social Housing we all know that the HA would not be counting the children who stay one night a fortnight as needing rooms of their own. "D"H wouldn't be getting extra office/gym space either... IF your space is constrained you have to work with what you have got.

So You work out how many rooms you want ideally (notice want not need)
You know now that you cannot afford the rooms you want in the area you want.
1.You can either buy somewhere else where property is cheaper.
2.Buy something with fewer rooms and see if you can afford to extend/build garden rooms for office and gym (If your baby stays in your room for a year this gives you some wiggle room and your DSC could still share while you get the work done.)
3.Compromise with your selfish "d"H. He gets to weed his gym equipment and keep it in his office.

1. Stick a tent in the garden. Put your DH; his gym equipment and a wifi link for his laptop in it . Make him sleep in it too.
2. Leave the bastard now. It will save time later.

Because I get the feeling that your DH isn't that keen on children. Is it he who's so keen to send your newborn out of your room into its own lonely nursery, when clearly, that would postpone the need for an extra bedroom for a year or so?

Wow do people this selfish really exist?

If you can insist that the SC don't stay then why can't you insist that you don't have a gym. You seem to prefer to push that the children don't stay rather than pushing for no gym / shared office space.

It is clear that you just don't want these children to stay with you and are looking for excuses to make sure they don't. I wonder how long it will be before another problem pops up.

Let's hope you don't one day find your child has a step parent who refuses to accommodate them.

I hope this thread isn't real, i'm actually shocked. I have a 9 yr DSS and 4 month old DS. We also had to move when I was pregnant but I would never in a million years have considered not having DSS overnight, I would rather me and DP sleep on the floor than DSS miss out on time with his family.

OP do you have a magic mirror that tells you you're beautiful?

It sounds like you don't like your step children very much.

I miss my SDD if we don't see her for a while (eg she's on holiday with her mum or something).

What a shame your DH's kids can't choose to opt you out of their lives the same way you're doing to them.

And you DH sounds selfish too. Making all of this your problem and refusing to be flexible about bloody gym equipment. Both of you are pathetic.

Well at least this thread has served a purpose, - perpetuating the fairytale image of wicked stepmothers.

Nice one OP, just wanted we needed

How is it their mother's fault that you've not bonded with the children?

You know it's been a good bunfight when you see all those messages deleted.

If this is real - OP, good look promoting a bond between your child and father. Because someone's got to look out for him in his old age, and choose his care home, and it won't be his older kids...

My dh married me and i had 4 dc. He has for the last 4 years treated them as the family that they are to him. He takes the older ones to football.hospital apps,driving lessons and helped one join the army.

He also welcomes them homw should they need to come back (break ups illness)

He has raised my dd as his own and is the best Dad ever.

He is currently being tested to donate a kidney to my ds 2

Now that is what you call a good sd and he was in his 20's when we met.

Dont want them staying over my arse!!

Yep my dad was 24 when he met my mum - too young my arse to take responsibility

I agree with all of you on this thread, but I do still have a degree of sympathy for the OP.

The stories about step parents stepping up to the mark are lovely... and that's great if you are allowed to do that. But many step mums (def. happens more than step dads, as more are NRPs) are between a rock and a hard place: Blasted if they don't appear to care and blasted if they do.

I have two lovely DSDs, with whom I have good relationships. THey have space here and are welcome any time. I also appear to have inherited DSD1's BF who appears to live here too now!!!!! (He's lovely and a good influence, so I'm not really complaining!) BUT>>>>>

Dh and I got married in VEGAS to avoid a wedding here in the UK. THere was simply no solution: Don't invite the DSDs, and I'm a heartless bitch who doesn't accept her DH's former life (Couldn't be further from the truth!) or DO invite them, and make them part of the day, and I'm trying to replace their mum and putting them in the middle of a minefield (15 years on, and it's still not civil with ExW). So we decided, and spoke to the kids, that if they weren't there, then no one would be. Seriously, it was me, DH and a couple of strangers.

It feels to me that the OP is feeling pulled in several different directions and doesn't feel quite sure of her position in the whole situation.

I know lots of people say that the kids are difficult because they can 'feel' the OP doesn't want them about. But, I had several years where my DSDs were terribly torn about feelings for their mum and for me. To the point my DSD1 would be unable to eat or relax if she thought her mum was about . We've all got through it and we're still a family, but it's not always easy and I think the OP was just being honest.

Ledkr That's lovely, I'm glad you've found your happy ending!

Far too cheesy but i hope your DS gets better aswell!

this really doesn't surprise me tbh. I have two ds's and they go and stay at my exh once a month (although our arrangement says once a fortnight)

They are not made welcome and my exh (who I blame mostly) will make every and any excuse to sabotage their visit - eg its his new dw birthday, he has a problem with his eye, there is nowhere for them to sleep and so on.

With his new dcs they were and still are in such a strict routine this also impinged on any time spent with him when it is his weekend.

His new dw seems to plan her diary with no regard to when they are staying and constantly checks my dcs for petty misdeameanours whilst they are there.

Funnily enough my dcs don't really want to go and stay even for that once a month saturday night. It's shambles and this has been going on for six years. And is heartbreaking for my dcs.

He also tries to make the once a month stay about what I am doing eg he will say sincity are you going out or going away for that saturday night - thie inference being if I am not then dcs should come home to me.

I have once contacted his new p/w to tell her what our agreement was and how he wasn't sticking to it and she was livid that I had the nerve to contact her.

IMO the life and routine of their new dcs trumps the needs of mine or our dcs.

This is where it will lead if OP continues and I do blame the exh but also the SM.

katespade Thanks x

sincity It doesnt surprise me either.I have friends who are normally lovely women who behave like vile cows over their step children. Its a form of jealousy about the partner having a previous life i think.
Its lovely to hear the step parents on this thread who have worked so hard to make their step children feel happy.
It is though the birth parents fault though and id be very put off a man who allowed me to dictate when he saw his dc.
My ex ow is extremely young but to give her credit she is lovely to dd.

As a mother and a stepmother, I can see this from both sides. My children are both grown up now, but rarely stayed overnight with their father because he didn?t have room. Money was extremely tight and he had a tiny flat, he could have crammed them if in necessary, but the children never seemed bothered about it, they used to spend time with him and then prefer to come home to their own bedrooms. It was never an issue, and they both continue to have a good relationship with him now they?re adults. My husband?s children (also grown up) saw him on a similar basis when he first separated from his wife.

So whilst I don?t think overnight stays are essential, I don?t think it?s right to stop the overnighting if its already an established arrangement, otherwise it looks like the OP?s stepchildren are being squeezed out to accommodate the baby, the gym and the office. So in that respect, I?m afraid the OP is being unreasonable.

As we?ve four grown-up children between us, they?re always welcome to stay, and we?ll always find room for them if they need to stay but I can see the difficulty caused by needing a house with extra bedroom(s) that are only used once a week. I doubt Housing Benefit Allowance would recognise the need for ?occasional? extra bedrooms.

But the gym and the office are surely luxuries, and should be sacrificed if necessary, to avoid upsetting children who are used to have overnight stays.

Garden shed.