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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step children staying overnight

368 replies

Lisa249 · 20/04/2012 11:16

At the moment my husbands 2 children aged 7 and 9 stay with us every other weekend. im currently 4 months pregnant. at the moment we are having to move house, but on the current market i struggling to find a house to cater my husbands office, new baby and 2 step children staying overnight every other weekend. Ive asked my husband if he can see is children once a week for the day instead of every other weekend and them staying overnight. My husband is adamant he wants the children to stay over night and doesnt agree with my suggestion. Im getting highly stressed looking for a house to cater for all his needs i.e his children, gym equipment and office. Do you think im being unfair in asking that the children dont stay over night? That way we will find a house quicker as we dont have to accomidate the children sleeping over.

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/04/2012 19:28

Immature? Yep, she's that all right.

ArcticRain · 20/04/2012 19:35

If its just about the space , then you have a lot of advise on how to tackle this . I do believe that if your DP is making demands then he needs to sort it out.

I dont know how long you have been a stepmother for, but it can be so difficult to find a way through those early years , especially if you don't have a bond with the children.

I do believe that it is fine to say you will put your child first .I think it is fine to admit it would be nice if you had the experience of just mum, dad and new baby. I also think it is ok to admit you would prefer that the kids didn't stop over (I'm not saying you feel like this). I think its fine to ask 'what would I like?', however you then have to put those feelings aside and you must ask 'what is the right thing to do?'.

The right thing to do here is to accommodate the stepchildren and make them feel welcome. The wrong thing to do would be to cut overnight contact . Every child would like their dad to put them to bed and read them a bedtime story .

PurpleRomanesco · 20/04/2012 19:35

^cory
I'll let you in on a secret, Lisa:

a young baby doesn't actually care whether he has his own designated nursery or not, it adds nothing to either his happiness or his wellbeing

an adoring sibling otoh who hangs over his cot and makes him giggle can be the source of real and lasting happiness

are you really going to take that away from him for the sake of something that is more about your enjoyment and convenience? and how will you explain that when he is old enough to understand^

I don't even have SC and this made me well up. Jesus OP, You and your DH need to prioritise if that post didn't break your heart.

You are talking about children here not an ugly old couch or a snooker table you don't have space for in your new home. These kids are a part of your live and you do not get to mess them around like this.

Do you have any feelings for these children?

PurpleRomanesco · 20/04/2012 19:38

Well that post went all sorts of crazy.

Whoops.

ComposHat · 20/04/2012 19:41

This has to be a wind up surely?

I can't imagine anyone being that callous!

sparkina · 20/04/2012 19:42

YBVU AND THEN SOME!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/04/2012 19:45

Crazy, but makes sense, Purple Grin

I sincerely hope this thread doesn't go "poof". If I am ever When I sound like an arse, I want to be hauled up for it. Being supportive isn't always about agreeing with the person seeking advice.

hairylemon · 20/04/2012 19:51

christ it cant be that hard to find a 3 bed house Confused

  • Double bedroom for you and Dh and the essential gym stuff and baby for a while
  • Bedroom 2 for baby when its old enough to give a rats fanny where it sleeps
  • Bedroom 3 for fold out double settee for when the step kids stay and DHs office stuff.

Not that hard, stop making such a palava about it fgs.

lagoonhaze · 20/04/2012 19:51

cory excellent post!

sparkina · 20/04/2012 19:53

Tbh sounds to me like you and your husband are as selfish as one another. You have to ask yourself one question how would you feel if in the future your husband bumps your child to a day visit cause his new wife doesn't want to accommodate him/her.

LittleMissMcFartyPants · 20/04/2012 19:54

You ask if YABU and then ignore suggestions that you are BU Hmm

YABU by the way.

SweetBabyJebus · 20/04/2012 20:05

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1950sHousewife · 20/04/2012 20:08

SBJ - Not more than he wants his dumbells and Abdominiser apparently.

Really, you wonder where all the fucked up kids come from in the world and a thread like this makes you realise...

letseatgrandma · 20/04/2012 20:10

Dear Lord, are you for real??!

Can you imagine six years down the line and your now ex-husband's pregnant new wife refusing to have your child to stay overnight. How would you feel on behalf of your poor rejected child?

exoticfruits · 20/04/2012 20:10

You must know by now that YABU. You are having the 3rd DC in your family and the older ones are not visitors.

teanosugar · 20/04/2012 20:11

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exoticfruits · 20/04/2012 20:15

Do you do things with step DCs without DH?
When you got DH you got his DCs for life.

my2centsis · 20/04/2012 20:15

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sparkina · 20/04/2012 20:16

well said teanosugar

1950sHousewife · 20/04/2012 20:17

My2cents - Sorry, but hymen being has to be the best typo I've read in a long while! Grin

Inertia · 20/04/2012 20:19

Lisa - I think this is not just about the house. It's about the fact that your stepchildren had the temerity to be born first and to occupy a place in their father's life. You sound unwilling to accommodate them in your family full stop, not just in your house.

No matter how much you'd like it to be just you and baby and DH, you can't airbrush his older children out of the picture. No matter how awkward you make things, no matter how ineffectual your DH is ,those children will always have a right to be with their father.

LeQueen · 20/04/2012 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smurfy1 · 20/04/2012 20:26

Just read this whole thread and as a step mum I think your the most selfish idiotic immature woman they are your DP kiddies and I think one post said it all if your and your OH were to split how would your child feel if the next SM said I will not accomodate overnight stays?

My SD comes first i have no kids BUT they came as a package and please keep this in mind I now have SD fulltime! You could too

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 20/04/2012 20:27

Airbeds aren't good enough.

They are his children. They get bunk beds and share a room.

The baby stays with parents for first six months. If you don't, you are a crap parent too.

The gym equipment goes in a shed.

Hardly rocket science.

HappyJustToBe · 20/04/2012 20:28

Shouldn't your husband be putting his children first too? All of them and not just the one you share. Do you really want to be with a man who allows someone to stop him from seeing his children unless it's on their terms?

You're being so unreasonable I just can't believe it.

StrandedBear - I'm with you. Young is certainly not the adjective coming to my mind right now.

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