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Original poster

Step children staying overnight

368 replies

Lisa249 · 20/04/2012 11:16

At the moment my husbands 2 children aged 7 and 9 stay with us every other weekend. im currently 4 months pregnant. at the moment we are having to move house, but on the current market i struggling to find a house to cater my husbands office, new baby and 2 step children staying overnight every other weekend. Ive asked my husband if he can see is children once a week for the day instead of every other weekend and them staying overnight. My husband is adamant he wants the children to stay over night and doesnt agree with my suggestion. Im getting highly stressed looking for a house to cater for all his needs i.e his children, gym equipment and office. Do you think im being unfair in asking that the children dont stay over night? That way we will find a house quicker as we dont have to accomidate the children sleeping over.

OP posts:
cory · 20/04/2012 19:03

Agree with Josie that the OP seems to be making difficulties that don't really exist. Why on earth would a 7yo and a 9yo need separate bedrooms- what does she think they would do to each other? Why does a baby need a nursery (against government recommendations as pointed out elsewhere)? What's wrong with airbeds in the gym? I know loads of families with 3 children. Several of them with one parent working from home. Not a single one of them has a 5 bedroom house. It all sounds like excuses to me.

gobbledegook1 · 20/04/2012 19:04

I'm with damagedluggage and ohLordylordy on this, some of you need to read properly and give the OP a break.

It is his her husband who wants the gym and an office and have room for his kids to stay not her. He is well aware they need to move fast and with such high demands they are unlikely to find something suitable quickly. He's the one being selfish he doesn't want to not have his kids but then isn't willing to sacrifice anything in order to make fitting them in and finding a suitable house easier.

What the OP has effectively said is that if he isn't prepared to lose they gym or office then he needs to consider not having the kids overnight, she is not saying she doesn't want them just that it will not be practical to do both on their budget and he has said no she must find a house to do all.

I agree with others OP, tell him if its that simple then he can find the house.

sheepgomeep · 20/04/2012 19:05

Is sharing a bedroom ok though? I noticed that some of you are saying that they must have their OWN room but this was impossible in our situation.

We did make sure however that both girls had their ownbeds, toys and storage space for their stuff when they stayed twice a week.

Emmielu · 20/04/2012 19:06

Op, would you like it if your husband left you, met someone else, moved in with her & then ex said he doesn't want to have your shared child together overnight at his new place cause his new woman can't cater for him/her? No. You wouldn't stand for it. You are unreasonable & it's no surprise your husband doesn't agree.

Rindercella · 20/04/2012 19:06

gooledegoo their selfishness does not have to be mutually exclusive: the OP's husband may well be a selfish pig, but that by itself does not mean that the OP isn't also selfish.

tralalala · 20/04/2012 19:06

I'm a step-mother who's step child comes every two weeks.

My children are my main priority .

just differ from you because I see him as one of my children. In fact out of them all (we have four) he is the one who quite possibly needs the most effort to feel that he has a place in our home no matter what.

I love my stepchild and think you are missing out.

Becky36 · 20/04/2012 19:06

The OP seems quite cold about this. I don't know if this is just her writing style but I wonder if she was cold towards his children right from the start of their relationship. If I met someone who didn't seem that keen on my son then the relationship would be a non starter from day one.

OP, there is no nice way of saying this but when you met a man who had children what did you think was going to happen? Did you really think that the kids would just disappear when you got pregnant? Did you mind the children staying before you got pregnant or did you secretly always resent it and now you think you have a reasonable excuse to put a stop to it? Were you honest with your husband when you met him that you didn't want his kids staying overnight with you?

AprilLilacs · 20/04/2012 19:07

Bunk beds/sofabed in baby's room would be better than not having overnights at dad's at all surely.

This thread has made me really Sad as XH has just pulled something similar - first he moved 100 miles away and now there's a new baby on the way and he's "not sure it's appropriate for DS to stay overnight" once it's born. DS is so excited about the baby, too Sad

tralalala · 20/04/2012 19:07

gobble - poor kids to have them

picnicbasketcase · 20/04/2012 19:08

I don't know. I wouldn't choose a house entirely based upon how many guests it can hold either. I know they are not guests, they are family members, but they are family members who do not live there permanently. They need enough space for the children to be able to sleep over, but I think it's unrealistic to say they need their own rooms. Can't one of them sleep in the living room, and you can take the baby out of its nursery and back in with you so the other child can have that room? It's not a black and white situation, OP - you sound like you're putting up blocks rather than trying to find solutions.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 20/04/2012 19:09

After reading the OPs last few posts I personally think that she is looking for excuses why she doesn't want the step children there and is conveniently using the gym/office as a reason.

Heaven forbid that DH will want to spend time with his other children.

OP despite the fact you will only have one child your DH will have 3 and that means they should all be treated equally and fairly, and if you're not prepared to do that then you don't deserve to be a step mother. You are the type of person who gives step parents a bad name. I feel sorry for the kids.

Fulhamup · 20/04/2012 19:10

Wow... spectacular selfishness. I'm 43, my Dad married my poisonous witch of a SM when I was 6. She also made it clear that I was not welcome in their house which was inherited from my Grandparents. The legacy of that rejection has never left me. My DF and SM are now in their mid 70s and are becoming increasingly emotionally needy. My DF will snuff it first and I then look forward to making my SM know what it feels like to be rejected in this way. (I'm sure I can find a really crap care home for her.)

OP, I am making myself clear? You have no idea of the implications of what you are suggesting and the profound impact it will have on these children's lives.

cory · 20/04/2012 19:11

gobble, I still don't understand why it wouldn't be practical to let the stepchildren sleep in the room the OP wants to earmark for her babies. We all agree that the OPs dh is a selfish twat: that doesn't mean I can ever feel any sympathy with a woman who is prepared to deprive her unborn child of a close relationship with his siblings just so she can feel she is prioritising him. Two wrongs don't make a right. One selfish twat in a household doesn't mean nobody else in the household can be a selfish twat.

Several of us have suggested several ways in which this can be done practically and the OP is adamant that nothing will do, because her child must take the priority over his other children.

sensuallettuce · 20/04/2012 19:12

I have my own three children and three "step" children. They stay every other weekend. I work full time and last year I was ill for 6 months and we still had OH's kids.

Because their relationship with their dad comes before mine, I would never have gotten in to a relationship with a guy with kids if I wasn't prepared to take them on as my own - oh and because it's fun and I love them.

LunarRose · 20/04/2012 19:12

Not going to comment, others have done it better.

But one helpful suggestion - Gym and office go in a shed or garden room in the garden. Children therefore all have space in a 3/4 bedroom house.

Becky36 · 20/04/2012 19:14

April - that is really sad. I feel awful for your DS and for you as well as it's hard when you see that your child might get badly hurt.

My own father was terrible for this. Married three times. The first time he allowed his sons from that marriage to be adopted by his ex's new husband (I have never met these two half brothers). The second time he disowned his son (my step-brother, who I do see) who was three at the time. The last time it was my mother he married. He had an affair, buggered off and left and hardly saw me or my younger brother , never paid any maintenance to my mum. My step-brother and brother are seriously messed up now.

The point is that these kids are going to grow up either feeling loved and secure or not loved, not accepted and maybe insecure and it's the adults in their lives that will determine which way it goes.

ArtVandelay · 20/04/2012 19:17

Ah, you just don't want your SDCs round spoiling your new mummy experience, messing up your perfect Winnie-the-pooh baby room and taking any attention away from YOU. But you know, I reckon its not going to be all how you dreamed if your husband is so selfish already that he won't get rid of his gym equipment for his own DCs. Good luck with that.

grobagsforever · 20/04/2012 19:17

OP your thread has made me cry. I have a stepmother like you. I now don't speak to my father and he has met my DD (his only DC) twice in her life. She is 20 months. And yes I blame my stepmother as well as him. You are horrible.

1950sHousewife · 20/04/2012 19:17

Oh Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

I think everyone has already said it. You don't sound young, you sound immature. One day you'll look back on what you wrote and see how unpleasant you sound. I just hope that day is soon and that you don't screw up your stepchildren too much. Not to mention your own child. With selfishness like yours I really fear for your family.

I have a stepmother. And although we couldn't be perfectly accomodated when we visited, she never once made us feel like second class citizens in 'her' family. My stepfather made it perfectly clear that we were second class compared to his son. I hate him.

I am worried that one day your stepchildren are going to write the same thing about you - I hate her.

BTW - your DH sounds like a real prince as well. I hope he learns to grow a spine soon and chuck his gym equipment (FFS) in the shed.

sheepgomeep · 20/04/2012 19:18

It can be fun being part of a stepfamily, I miss my ex children and I still have them to stay sometimes as I dont want them to lose touch with their little sisters. I certainly dont have to me they are still my family.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/04/2012 19:18

Desperately and Stranded I'm one of the ones who talked about the OP sounding young. I totally agree that older people can also be spectacularly selfish and clueless, but older people are more likely to have had at least some experience of children and (in theory) have learned various life lessons.

If you're 18 and being a bit of a twat about your stepchildren, you have a bit of an excuse. If you're 40, you have none at all. Which isn't even remotely to say that young parents aren't up to the job or that older people are incapable of fuckwittery. By saying the OP sounds young, we're giving her the benefit of the doubt.

sheepgomeep · 20/04/2012 19:19

Sorry for typos my phone is not behaving itself!

grobagsforever · 20/04/2012 19:19

Op take notes as this thread is going to go 'poof' in a minute...at 350 posts I reckon.....

Hopandaskip · 20/04/2012 19:21

"im still not willing to accomidate children that we only see once a fortnight"

Well there is the crux of it. It really isn't about the gym equipment any more is it.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/04/2012 19:22

Grin Desperately and Stranded - 50sHousewife has expressedthe "young" thing in a nutshell - the OP doesn't sound young, she sounds immature.

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