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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step children staying overnight

368 replies

Lisa249 · 20/04/2012 11:16

At the moment my husbands 2 children aged 7 and 9 stay with us every other weekend. im currently 4 months pregnant. at the moment we are having to move house, but on the current market i struggling to find a house to cater my husbands office, new baby and 2 step children staying overnight every other weekend. Ive asked my husband if he can see is children once a week for the day instead of every other weekend and them staying overnight. My husband is adamant he wants the children to stay over night and doesnt agree with my suggestion. Im getting highly stressed looking for a house to cater for all his needs i.e his children, gym equipment and office. Do you think im being unfair in asking that the children dont stay over night? That way we will find a house quicker as we dont have to accomidate the children sleeping over.

OP posts:
ArcticRain · 20/04/2012 20:30

As an aside , I know loads of excellent parents who moves their babies into their own room before 6 months . Yes, she may BU but you cant use this as another item to throw at her .

oohlordylordy · 20/04/2012 20:35

I think you are all being a bit harsh.

I may be wrong, but I get the feeling that the OP has been excluded from the step kids... it certainly feels she doesn't have a strong bond with them.

I have been a SM for 15 years and would like to think I'm a good SM. But, having kids of my own has definitely improved my empathy.

teanosugar · 20/04/2012 20:38

what are you going to do if some thing happens to their mum?
are you going to say they cant live with their dad?
Do you ever have them for a week at a time in the school holidays?
Have you ever been on holiday with them?

Your attitude is un-be-fucking-lievable

PurpleRomanesco · 20/04/2012 20:48

How could she be excluded when she sees them once a month? (big wow but still enough to be involved and care about them)

I get the feeling this is exactly what she wants. She's having her own baby now and wants daddy to focus on it.

PurpleRomanesco · 20/04/2012 20:49

Sorry not it I hate that, She/He.

oohlordylordy · 20/04/2012 20:50

I take your point Purple

OP - can I ask who your ideal situation would be?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 20/04/2012 20:59

Sorry to state the obvious but why did you ask if YABU, if you are convinced you aren't?

Proudnscary · 20/04/2012 21:00

Why are MNHQ only deleting some posts that say surely this is a wind up (like mine) and letting others remain?

By the way, I think it's one thread where it's legit to question this, because we are (nearly) all so incredulous and outraged.

lechatnoir · 20/04/2012 21:01

Wow you really are something else! I'd extend more love & hospitality for my friends kids than you are your own family & whether you like it or not, when you married your DH you became a family. I hope to god you don't split up and your child has to experience the same rejection.

bucketbetty · 20/04/2012 21:06

I couldn't be bothered reading the whole thread, but are mist of you suprised at this woman's attitude and feelings towards hr step children? There's loads of women like her about and loads of men who eventually give to their relationships with their children as a result. No matter to the op though, she won't have to console young heart broken children, that will be the other woman's job. Tis not at all unusual.

bucketbetty · 20/04/2012 21:07

Most not mist.

blubberyboo · 20/04/2012 21:09

you can't just put this down to youth
I was 18 when i met my DH - even at that young age I had the sense to take a step back and assess things before I married him. I have now been a SM for 15 years so have plenty of experience. I always knew I had a huge responsibility taking on a man who had a child and it was important to me to have a good relationship with her (and her mum) It has been the most rewarding experience and fantastic for my 3 kids to have their big sister in their lives.

This post smacks of a woman who felt so insecure and jealous that the ex had "one up on her" by having his children so she got pregnant to become feel less inferior. I suspect she hasn't really been with the DH for that long. I'm guessing less than 3 years. now she is up the duff she wants the inconvenient step kids out of the way and thinks her kid should take priority. I've seen so many kids lives in my extended family ruined by step monsters like this. One child I know hasn't seen her dad for 10 yrs because the new woman didn't want her around. I suspect if successful in stopping the overnight visits it won't be long til the fortnightly daily visits become a tedious inconvenience also...and then the monthly visits.......
these problems that she is throwing up are just excuses - they can easily be overcome but she is unwilling to do so. No baby needs a nursery. kids can adapt to any sleeping arrangements many of which have been suggested here. maybe hubby is not enthusiastic about the move because he is having second thoughts about whether he wants to build a life with You You You OP. The fact that you can't even come to a compromise about the gym equipment speaks volumes about your marriage. YOU want a nursery, HE wants a gym room...what does that tell you? the children are the collateral damage in the marriage communication problems and all the bickering that goes with it. Neither of you will back down.
what will you do if you have any more kids...where are you going to accomodate them?

NotGoingOut17 · 20/04/2012 21:11

In some ways it is quite worrying you are to soon be a mother when you clearly lack basic empathy.

If you don't want the inconvenience of accomodating 2 children I suggest you dont get into a relationship with someone who has 2 children - I imagine your partner didnt magic them up part way through your relationship.

Let alone the fact it is grossly unfair on the children but why should their mother have full overnight childcare responsibility when it takes 2 people to make a child, just because you cant find a bigger house.

Your baby is no more important than your partners other children, obviously you will have different feelings to your own but to exclude them is downright nasty. I imagine it is hard enough for them with their parents separated without being seen as inconvenience by their step mum.

I hope you remember this thread OP if you are ever faced with the situation that you and your partner split and his new partner doesnt want enough room for your child. I really hope you dont have to reap what you sow, because then maybe you realise what a horrible thing you are considering, the fact you need to ask is astonishing - i have no children nor step children but i am aware that this behaviour from an adult is utterly selfish,

pumpkinsweetie · 20/04/2012 21:23

Op a question to you, would you consider yourself a stepmonster?
And why have you got pregnant by a man who already has children if you dont want to ackwlodge said children exist?
Why isnt your H house searching with you?Hmm
My advice to you op would be to grow up or ship out before you ruin the lifes of these young children

everybodysang · 20/04/2012 21:24

Lisa. I've got 2 step kids, and a 16 month old DD. Sometimes it's really, really hard. Before my DD was born I was panicking terribly about how it was all going to work. Sometimes I just could not see how it would happen. Looking back, I think a lot of my panic was because I was pregnant.
We are all a bit squashed in. The step kids share a room - despite being different genders, and older than is ideal for sharing a room as a boy/girl. But as you say, it's not that fair for either of them to be in a room with a crying baby.
Probably, when my DD is a bit older, she will share with her stepsister. I wish she could have a room of her own - that they all could - and we are trying to find a way to make that happen. But it can't at the moment. And we all survive.
Of course your child will be your priority - my DD is definitely my priority. BUT that doesn't mean that DSD and DSS don't mean anything! They are her siblings - and honestly, even when things are really hard, that is always lovely to see.
My DP was brought up in just these circumstances. There was no room for him to stay overnight with his dad. He doesn't talk to his dad now and it makes him so sad. Please, I know it can be hard, especially when you are pregnant and have all those protective hormones surging through you, but please think how this will work in the long run.

blondiedollface · 20/04/2012 21:55

What you are thinking of doing happened to me after my dad re-married.

I would describe her as the most selfish b*tch to walk the planet who managed to convince my dad that she was more important to him than I was. With no compassion remorse or feeling.

My dad missed seeing me and having me around so much after a year that he started coming over to my mum's house for dinner twice a week and on the odd occasion would stay on our sofa (no foul play at all) but his new wife drove him to these measures just so he could spend time with me and do the putting to bed/waking up with and taking to school that he'd always done twice a week since my mum and him split!

If you're seriously considering moving house then why not get a room that can work as his office mon-fri and a bedroom at weekends? You just sound like a completely jealous, irrational child hater to me... Why are you pregnant?

HatchedAtTheHutch · 20/04/2012 22:01

I agree with Sandy, when we were faced with a similar situation we went for the sofabed option. It's not fair to not have them, think how you would feel if it were your DC being put in step childrens position

KateSpade · 20/04/2012 22:31

Sorry if this has already been said, but would it not be more practical for the baby to be in your room for a couple of months? Even up till a year? My DD is in my room because its easier to feed her when she wakes up & were in the middle of adding another room.

  • you'd need a 5 bedroomed house, but the step kids could share a room and could they not and you could have four bedrooms?
nkf · 20/04/2012 22:36

I think you're making it up. Nobody could really be such a stupid bitch.

SerendipitousHarlot · 20/04/2012 22:49

We have a 3 bed semi Hmm

DD (14) shares her room with dsd (11) and ds (6) share his room (bunkbeds) with dss (7), when they come to stay over.

This thread really angered me today. You, OP, are the reason that stepmothers get such a bad press. Most of us do our best to do right by everyone, and it's really hard. You are one of the most selfish posters I have ever seen here.

Original poster
Lisa249 · 20/04/2012 22:49

Ok im 25 years old, and if u knew the half of the situation then most would probaly sympathise with me. No i havent bonded with the children, as their mother has made it impossible for me to do so. Also the children feel is it ok to come n trash my home and not pick things up after themselves - i understand this is not their fault, but the way they are being brought up. When you are faced with difficult children it can be hard to bond. Today we have viewed a house that accomadates our needs, so problem solved! Many thanks for all your advise, but as the problem is now solved, i wont be reading any more of your posts.

OP posts:
hathorkicksass · 20/04/2012 22:51

If my DP felt like you do, he'd be the one not staying overnight. Not my children.

I am thankful that he doesn't.

Jolyonsmummy · 20/04/2012 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timetochangeagain · 20/04/2012 22:52

I love all these people who blame their stepmums for their poor relationship with their parents, dads with a strong pair of balls, dont just give in to outrageous demands or give up on their children.

Lisa, whack the thread on hide

nkf · 20/04/2012 22:53

So glad to hear the problem is solved. I was getting worried about the gym equipment.

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