To think Im NOT expecting the world to 'revolve around me and mine'?

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My mum has never said this in so many words, but I know her inside and out and I know this is what she thinks about me when we have family gatherings. It happens nearly every time, 2 short examples once my lovely nephew was having his first birthday and it was at a time that my then 2 year old would have gone down for a nap, I called my mum to discuss it, see if we could come to an arrangement that didnt involve an over tired 2 year old creating in the middle of a party and it ended up in a huge row after she basically said suck it up, deal with it its not about me and DS its about DB, DSIL and DN. Made me feel like a right cunt for trying to prevent a toddler melt down.

The next time was at Christmas, 20 weeks pregnant, had a bleed which ended up in a HUGE row, me crying my eyes out, her walking out. DP wasnt in the area, but obviously he came up and we went to hospital together, this is what my mum wanted, but I had originally asked if she would mind taking me simply because it was easier. I asked if she could drop me there and dp could meet me there (the logistics made sense) and she just went mental. Still to this day cant figure out how the eff that happened.

I love my mum I do, but the way she speaks to me in front of family is humiliating, its a condescending, frowning, reprimanding way that she used to use when I was 15. Again this has started in the last 2-3 years and I dont know why.

Fast forward to todays issue, I have an 11 month old baby who is anaphylactic to milk and eggs, and has various other milder food allergies. Its his birthday next month so we've arranged to have lots of family come over for a BBQ, this is set and happening provided the weather is nice. My older brother and his wife, both of which I adore are having a baby any day now, so there will be a very young baby there. I suddenly thought last night, shit, what if the baby is bottle fed? We have a very strict 'no allergens in the house' rule as this needs to be the only place in the world that is safe for the baby.

I cant expect her to stay outside with the baby all day, what if it gets chilly. What if it hurls everywhere? What if it doesnt all get cleared up and the baby bum suffles through some? What if they heat a bottle up, test in on their arm and drops get on the floor (my friends bottle did this recently, but it was soya milk so didnt matter). I cant expect everyone to be watching out for a hurling baby, I want everyone to relax, I dont want to be paranoid about there being sick/milk somewhere in the house for days after they go. The sick will dry but a drooly wet baby hand would wet and start it up again.

I really dont know wtf to do. If he gets any on him, we have adrenalin shots for him but that means an ambulance and over night stay in hospital, pretty shitty birthday.

She may well breastfeed, but she combine fed her first baby from the off so we cant guarantee that. And right now I need to assume its bottle fed so I can decide how to go about this.

I text my mum and she said 'She'll breastfeed' I text back saying 'But XXX was combine fed from the start' and Ive got nothing back. I know for a fact shes thinking 'Oh heeere we go!' and I just cant be fucked to have her make me feel like a cunt again for protecting my baby.

Sorry this is really long, AIBU here?

I really, really want to see my brother and his family, I dont get to see them enough we live a few hours away from all our family. But I dont want to risk my babys health either.

Also, the BBQ at ours is set now. We dont have the money to go elsewhere, we are looking forward to having family in our new home in our garden, so we're sticking with these plans regardless.

Why can't you speak to your SIL direct about how she feeds her baby? Why does it have to be done via your mother, if she is such a PITA?

You probably were being a bit U about a 2 year old's nap, but serious allergies are something quite different.

Yes, YABU.

Historically, YWU re the nap at the birthday party; your mother was unreasonable about the hospital visit.

Does that help? I'm not very experienced with AIBU.

I can see why youre worried, but there are a hell of a lot of 'what ifs' in there.
Yes its better to be prepared and forewarned, and i can see why its something you would be majorly stressing over, BUT, the day COULD go without drama or injury.

Agree with PP that you could just talk to SIL in advance and share your worries. Shes about to become a mother too so im sure she would be able to understand your concern.

YABU
(except about the hospital)

I think you should ask your SIL directly. If your mum is such a nightmare then I wouldn't ask her for her opinions/advice.

There are many solutions to the milk issue. Which may not even arise.
Wait until nearer the time and then chat to your SIL.

I really don't get why any of this is a big deal. (And your mum probably can't either.)

Sorry but YABU and making your own life unnecessarily hard with all this hysterical flapping about 'What if? What if?' Do you never take your baby out of the house in case he meets another baby who is bottle-fed, or someone who is drinking a milkshake comes within three feet of him?

Yabu
Nap, I'm with your mother
Bleed, I think she was being unreasonable
I think Yabu over this as you are automatically making a giant fuss scenario over nothing. You SI L is obviously aware of your child's allergies. Simply liaise before the BBQ in a mth and deal with her then. She may not even feel up to coming.
We may have all been killed by a meteor, sweat the big stuff when you need to. Always speak to the person directly involved.

If you knew your mums attitude why did you involve her when you could have spoken to your brother or sil?

Yeah YABU, and if i was your SIL i'd probably take offence in the way ur acting and not come.

It's a baby, it has to be fed. There's not a lot you can do about that, and i can imagine that if she does come you'll be a foot behind her all the time with wipes, tissues and a bottle of flash.

How can she tell you how she is going to feed the baby? We all know that sometimes what you plan to do and what you have to do when the baby arrives is sometimes diff.

if your son's allergic reaction to milk is so bad then what difference does it matter whether your SIL breast or bottle feeds?

Wouldn't either/both provoke a reaction?

I think you should stop asking your mum and ask the parents of the children involved.
It also sounds like you are over compensating to ensure that your mum doesn't have a go at you. It sounds like a no win sitution for you (my friends mum is like yours, she can't do right for doing wrong)

Your new baby has a terrible life threatening allergy. YOU can make it all about him and why the hell shouldn't you? - however whilst doing so make it into a bit of a 'joke'

e.g Sorry, here again to remind you about the no milk splashes etc, know it sounds like im wittering but i really don't want any of you to see the process we have to go through if he does have a reaction, it's quite scary and upsetting, better to be safe than sorry and all that.

Anyway, my point is, speak to your brother and SIL and don't bother with your mum, it's not actually her business!

What if it hurls everywhere? What if it doesnt all get cleared up and the baby bum suffles through some? What if they heat a bottle up, test in on their arm and drops get on the floor (my friends bottle did this recently, but it was soya milk so didnt matter). I cant expect everyone to be watching out for a hurling baby, I want everyone to relax, I dont want to be paranoid about there being sick/milk somewhere in the house for days after they go. The sick will dry but a drooly wet baby hand would wet and start it up again.

With the best will in the world, and whilst I understand that of course you're worried about your own baby, this sounds really over-anxious. Talk to SIL, not your mum, explain the situation - but you can't carry on fretting and being paranoid to this level.

Sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but YABU.

You are calling your Mum to try and sort out plans that aren't hers to make about a birthday party being at the wrong time for a nap. Why can't you call the hosts of the party directly? That's if you feel the need to call anyone about it. You are expecting people to revolve around a nap time and that is unreasonable. Either shift the nap time, or leave early or get there late, or just don't go if your nap time is so set in stone that you won't try and manage around it.

The hospital thing you might not be being unreasonable about, but that depends on how long it took your dp to get there and whatever else your mum was trying to do. Was it actually Christmas day?

And the milk thing I also think YABU about. Your sil may well bf, so there is no point trying to make arrangements that might not need to be made. And if they do need to be made, then you need to speak to the sil directly, what do you expect your Mum to do about it? Surely there's nothing she could do that you couldn't do yourself. And I don't really see why it would be that hard to keep your baby away from the other baby's milk. You just warn the sil and ask her to be careful. It's not that difficult.

Also and I mean this sincerely, you've been through a lot with the worry of such a severe allergy in your child. I think that you would find a course of CBT would help to deal with all the worries and anxieties that you deal with and ESPecially the "what if" thinking

If your son is so allergic that you are fretting about a drop of milk on the floor, why have people over to your house? Maybe you could have arranged something else?

I can see your mum's pov here.

This you wu re toddler nap.

Am amazed you are stressing so much about a baby's bottle, when the baby isn't even born, may not even have a bottle, may not even be at the party!

You really don't need to make such a drama of everything.

i understand your ds is inestimably precious and you don't want any harm to come to him. Of course.

But seriously, you need to worry about this if at all, a couple of days before the party. Because then you will know if baby is born, if baby is coming, if baby has a bottle.

If baby does have a bottle, you then need to come to a sensible agreement with the parents - could they give the bay the bottle in a different room, perhaps with a hard, wipeable floor e.g..

Creating a fuss now will surely just annoy and make people take you less seriously imo as it detracts from the important issue, your son't allergy, and instead focusses the mind on you making a fuss about something that's not for a few weeks and there are so many variables still at this point.

YWBU about the nap - and to have involved your mum in it anyway, why bother your mum in that decision?

Your mum WBU about the hospital

And sorry but I think you're being unreasonable to invovle your mum in the discussions about the BBQ, there's a lot of ifs and buts there about a baby who isn't even born yet

I think you should stop involving your mum in decisions that don't directly invovle her and speak to the people concerned - in this case your brother and his wife

And I know it must be hard when your baby has an allergy, but surely there must be other times when you potentially could come into contact with these things, a cafe, someone elses house etc?

YANBU about the milk issue, I've read some of your posts before and I know how hideous things are for you.

I think the problem is, that you were being completely ridiculous about the nap issue around your DN's party. And so now your Mum has you labelled as overly fussy and wanting everything your own way, which doesn't help you now that there really is an important thing to worry about.

Cut your Mum out, and speak to your SIL. I'm sure that if you asked her to just BF while they are at yours she wouldn't have an issue with it - but don't go via your Mum else it will turn into a row.

Agree leave your mother out of it and speak directly to SIL.
Also, without meaning to sound like them, its does sound a bit like you are whittling off lots of problems and not really trying to find any solutions yourself. In real life I find people like that can be negative and difficult so I do see where they might be coming from. Especially with regards to your mother thinking "Here we go again" which is probably what she was thinking.
You've said you want your SIL at the party, you know its not practical to keep them outside in the garden, but you haven't got a solution yourself for this.
I do think you were being unreasonable about your 2 year olds nap. Breaks for routines for parties are not usually going to cause a problem. You're inflexibility might have come across as trying to create another problem.
You were probably not unreasonable about the hospital scare.
You are not unreasonable about your child's allergy but you do need to be able to offer solutions, not problems all the time.
Sorry if I'm being blunt but I've a sister just like that so it strkes a chord.

YABU except for your 'bleed at 20 wks'.
It is your party so why not speak to your sil directly ?
Your mum does sound like a pita but tbh you are over reacting in regards to milk splashing or dropping on floor-it is a bit of a over-reaction as my babies have been formula fed & ive never really spilt any!