To think Im NOT expecting the world to 'revolve around me and mine'?

[WhiteTrash]

My mum has never said this in so many words, but I know her inside and out and I know this is what she thinks about me when we have family gatherings. It happens nearly every time, 2 short examples once my lovely nephew was having his first birthday and it was at a time that my then 2 year old would have gone down for a nap, I called my mum to discuss it, see if we could come to an arrangement that didnt involve an over tired 2 year old creating in the middle of a party and it ended up in a huge row after she basically said suck it up, deal with it its not about me and DS its about DB, DSIL and DN. Made me feel like a right cunt for trying to prevent a toddler melt down.

The next time was at Christmas, 20 weeks pregnant, had a bleed which ended up in a HUGE row, me crying my eyes out, her walking out. DP wasnt in the area, but obviously he came up and we went to hospital together, this is what my mum wanted, but I had originally asked if she would mind taking me simply because it was easier. I asked if she could drop me there and dp could meet me there (the logistics made sense) and she just went mental. Still to this day cant figure out how the eff that happened.

I love my mum I do, but the way she speaks to me in front of family is humiliating, its a condescending, frowning, reprimanding way that she used to use when I was 15. Again this has started in the last 2-3 years and I dont know why.

Fast forward to todays issue, I have an 11 month old baby who is anaphylactic to milk and eggs, and has various other milder food allergies. Its his birthday next month so we've arranged to have lots of family come over for a BBQ, this is set and happening provided the weather is nice. My older brother and his wife, both of which I adore are having a baby any day now, so there will be a very young baby there. I suddenly thought last night, shit, what if the baby is bottle fed? We have a very strict 'no allergens in the house' rule as this needs to be the only place in the world that is safe for the baby.

I cant expect her to stay outside with the baby all day, what if it gets chilly. What if it hurls everywhere? What if it doesnt all get cleared up and the baby bum suffles through some? What if they heat a bottle up, test in on their arm and drops get on the floor (my friends bottle did this recently, but it was soya milk so didnt matter). I cant expect everyone to be watching out for a hurling baby, I want everyone to relax, I dont want to be paranoid about there being sick/milk somewhere in the house for days after they go. The sick will dry but a drooly wet baby hand would wet and start it up again.

I really dont know wtf to do. If he gets any on him, we have adrenalin shots for him but that means an ambulance and over night stay in hospital, pretty shitty birthday.

She may well breastfeed, but she combine fed her first baby from the off so we cant guarantee that. And right now I need to assume its bottle fed so I can decide how to go about this.

I text my mum and she said 'She'll breastfeed' I text back saying 'But XXX was combine fed from the start' and Ive got nothing back. I know for a fact shes thinking 'Oh heeere we go!' and I just cant be fucked to have her make me feel like a cunt again for protecting my baby.

Sorry this is really long, AIBU here?

I really, really want to see my brother and his family, I dont get to see them enough we live a few hours away from all our family. But I dont want to risk my babys health either.

whitetrash hope you are ok, reading this must be hard but we are trying to help you really!

Oh dear With the exception of the hospital thing when your mum wasn't very nice, I think I agree with her sorry. What did you expect anyone to do re your nephews b'day party?

If 1yo nephew was having his first birthday party then surely the only reasonable way would be to arrange the timing around his nap times? He was both younger and, more importantly, the birthday boy. Or would you seriously envisage a party where the child unable to attend is the birthday boy, because otherwise his cousin might be too tired?

You really do sound so caught up in your own worries that you can't see that other people have worries too. Unfortunately, there is no way that your relatives won't have seen how OTT this was of you; you will have to work to undo that impression.

As for the present birthday party, yes that is more of a worry, but you have to remember that this is likely to be an ongoing problem, and you must learn a way to find positive solutions before your ds is old enough to pick up on your anxieties: otherwise, that fear will dominate his whole life. It won't be many years before he is old enough to understand that he is different: what kind of message are you going to be sending him about the outside world? Those of us whose children are at risk from SN or allergies have to think very carefully about our whole attitude, because our children have only got our reactions to go on.

You are worrying before you even know how this baby will be fed- tbh this does not sound as if you are in a good place to be teaching your son to deal with his allergy in a constructive way. And that teaching will have to start when he is 2 or 3 at the very latest. Have you anyone to talk about the issues with? Anyone who has been there, perhaps?

I also think, along with agreeing with the consensus, that you shouldn't be upset about what you think someone else thinks. Even if you can practically read her mind and she does think this, she hasn't actually said it and should be given the benefit of the doubt until she actually does or says something. I do hope that when my DD is grown up and has children of her own she doesn't expect me to sort out all her small issues instead of calling the person actually involved - I think maybe this is the root of the perceived disapproval and not the issues themselves.

If the OP's baby is having anaphylactic reactions to milk, then it is likely to be a protein in the milk that is causing the anaphylaxis, it won't be lactose intolerance (that doesn't cause anaphylaxis). If this is the case then breast milk and cows' milk are quite different in protein make up so the baby could be perfectly fine with human milk while still being anaphylactic to cows' milk proteins. But this is supposition based on knowledge of the immune system in general - the OP's baby may still be allergic to ALL types of milk, I don't know.

OP - YABU to worry about this now. Wait until the baby is born and your SIL has worked out how she is going to feed it - and then discuss it with her directly re. your own baby's issues. If she is mixed feeding then it may be possible that she can express or breastfeed while she is at yours - but there is no point discussing this with your mother, go straight to your SIL.

I expect you would benefit by talking to your doctor about how stressed you are feeling.

YABU as hell.

"she basically said suck it up, deal with it its not about me and DS its about DB, DSIL and DN"

which is true in this case. It's DNs party ffs, what are they supposed to do?!

"'She'll breastfeed' I text back saying 'But XXX was combine fed from the start' and Ive got nothing back"

THIS IS SO UNREASONABLE and no wonder if your mother is thinking 'oh heeeere we go'. FFS!

You are taking it way, waaaay too far. Milk is almost everywhere, EVERYWHERE in the world. What is best, teaching DS about how to avoid it as much as possible and deal with it by washing/injection/whatever if he unfortunately comes into contact with it OR go into hysteria and try to prevent it from being within 100ft of him? So he never sees milk and never knows how to deal with it? I know he's only little now but you are setting him up for a lifetime of panic if you don't stop that.

Yabu. You clearly DO expect the world to revolve around you and yours.
It won't.

You may want to relax your attitude on these matters, or people are going to get annoyed with you. They already are.

I also second a chat to the GP. x

Look, you say yourself that you don't know that your mother has actually said that you act as if the world revolves around you. You'r just assuming it. She is far more likely to be thinking ffs Trash, gimme a bloody break, i.e it's more about her. The fact that you think she is turning this into a whole value judgment on you kinda proves the point that you do think the world revolves around you iyswim Getting other people to worry about your son's nap time....WOSSALLTHATABOUT???????

And I would be intirgued to hear her side of the Christmas hospital visit episode.

Your OP makes exhausting reading. Just relax or you'll implode!

I've just come back from counselling re a slightly similar kind of issue (fears about safety risks of child with health problems) and I wish I had done this years ago. Just being able to say to a person who is not themselves involved: "we have this problem and it is an issue, we need help on balancing these very real fears with the need for dcs to have a normal life". It really is helping me to find solutions.

Oh dear, I probably shouldnt have written an AIBU? To something I couldnt handle the answers from.

First of all, thank you for your replies, I got half way down and burst into tears but in my defence my nerves are faught. Please if anyone has a second can they just skim read this

Im not trying to drip feed, rather that I think you're all probably right but if I am being a massive pain in the arse, I hope this might explain why. Im constantly on the edge.

Ironically, fittingly? I dont know what, the baby just had a reaction an hour ago. Huge hives on his wrist, Ive never seen them so big before when it hasnt turned into anaphylaxis. Im sitting downstairs now while hes asleep wondering am I being dangerous right now not being in the same room as him to keep an eye on his lips?

The above reaction although the hives arent usually as big, happens weekly, (weirdly hes had 3 reactions in the last 12 hours but Im going to Allergies Forum with that next). To we Have No Idea What. I think to myself, if this house supposedly an allergy free zone, how bad would it be if we let allergens in?

Do people (genuine question) realise all it takes is a minute bit of milk - so small you might not even see it) to cause a reaction?

Also, again this isnt an arsey question at all please no one take it that way - if a baby or child had a peanut allergy and was hosting a party at their house, would you allow peanuts in because a child liked them? I know I know, you cant compare what a baby NEEDS (milk) to what a child wants (snacks) but with regards to the risk just humour me. Im being told Im totally UR about the milk, then I assume people would be just as relaxed about having peanuts in the house too?

Oh dear - I have a son who is anaphylactic to eggs and a load of other things - I know how worrying it is, but unless your son's allergy is so severe he cannot be in the same room as dairy then you can totally control whether he comes into contact with dairy - even if the baby is a projectile vomiter and your SIL drops a whole bottom on the floor! Please don't create nightmare scenarios - everyone at the party knows the issue, you have adrenalin shots, it will be fine.

Do you often go through these 'what if' lines of thought. It's a good indicator of overly high anxiety.

Not going to comment on your Mum - families are tricky!

Just out of interest, do you never take the 11mo to toddler groups, the library, shopping etc? Surely all sorts of milk-based accidents could happen there too? I have a friend whose DD (now 4) is also severely allergic to dairy and egg but she doesn't go to those kinds of lengths to keep her DD away from milk/eggs, just makes sure everyone around her is aware of it.

The key thing for me is why the hell are you talking to your mum rather than your brother/sister in law about these things? You are all adults, sort it out between yourselves don't expect your mum to do everything for you!

Also I just wanted to add because I wanted to defend myself a little with someones comment of 'Going to my mum as first port of call each time' must be a PITA. I really dont, I see her twice a year. The bleed was boxing day, Id gone to hers for a visit, I dont drive, dp was 45 minutes away, which is why I asked if she could take me.

Also, for all of you who said speak to SIL not my mum, you're right. Since reading this I have been thinking why the fuck have I been talking to my mum about it? I guess I wanted some kind of 'go ahead' that it was 'okayed' by her that Im worrying about it. Which is absolutely fucking ridiculous since I am an adult, perhaps I should seriously review this generally with her.

Also, again this isnt an arsey question at all please no one take it that way - if a baby or child had a peanut allergy and was hosting a party at their house, would you allow peanuts in because a child liked them? I know I know, you cant compare what a baby NEEDS (milk) to what a child wants (snacks) but with regards to the risk just humour me. Im being told Im totally UR about the milk, then I assume people would be just as relaxed about having peanuts in the house too?

Are you saying that you don't want you SIL to feed her newborn baby in your house then?

X post - just by the by when my son was 11 months of so he got random, huge hive reactions, nearly always to things we couldn't trace. I think this is common for children at this age - they are developing their full range of sensitivities, some of which will develop into full blown allergies, some won't. I know that isn't great news, but what you wrote rang a bell. It might help to know that others have been there!

Sorry Trash I DID post without knowing your background. Having read through your earlier thread I can see that your reactions are quite understandable, but they ARE overreactions, and I mean that kindly, ie. it is most unlikely that the things you are worried about in this thread will be as bad as you think they will be. And you have got a huge number of 'What is' to get through before they are.

Take care

Oh dear - no you definitely shouldn't have posted in AIBU if you're feeling fragile! Come and post over on the Allergies board - I'm sure people will largely agree that the birthday party/baby scenario can be managed, but you'll know they understand exactly what it's like having an anaphylactic child, and you may find it easier to take on board some helpful practical suggestions.

YABU (and a bit precious) about everything except the milk.

But looking at it from your Mum's POV, if you're normally a little OTT in your reactions to things, perhaps she doesn't understand how serious the milk issue really is?

Apart from that....you're all BU to make such a fuss over a baby's birthday...it's not like the baby will remember having one!

Charitygirl, yes 'what if's' occur a lot, they never used to but then I havent seen my baby nearly die before. I keep being told its not 'if' he has another serious reaction it is 'when' which is true, thats what is happening.

But I think if he has this many reactions this often and his anaphylaxis to milk and eggs is so servere then I just want to protect him as much as possible.

For PP who asked about play groups etc, we dont yet for this reason, my local one hands out toast and marmite which is a bit of a bummer. That said, we arent never going to go. Im just waiting a little bit longer until hes out of the age of putting everything in his mouth.

I asked the mums in allergies about the above and they said the same, they have to take their own select, clean toys to places. Or wipe toys down before their child/toddler plays with them. It all sounds very OTT but it really isnt. Its damage limitation.

You are way overthinking things.

That said, I cannot imagine how hard it must be dealing with such a little one with allergies.

That said-your mum & sil also love your baby & will also wanting to make sure that they do nothing that could make them ill.

You are not the only one fighting his/her corner.

"Why the fuck have I been talking to my mum about it?"

To me, this was one of the most interesting things that came out of the responses.

Lots of people on the thread do have extensive experience of allergies, and if they are still telling you to chill out, its probably good advice.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention the nap thing. I think, reading all your replies I was obviously being very pfb.