To think Im NOT expecting the world to 'revolve around me and mine'?

[WhiteTrash]

My mum has never said this in so many words, but I know her inside and out and I know this is what she thinks about me when we have family gatherings. It happens nearly every time, 2 short examples once my lovely nephew was having his first birthday and it was at a time that my then 2 year old would have gone down for a nap, I called my mum to discuss it, see if we could come to an arrangement that didnt involve an over tired 2 year old creating in the middle of a party and it ended up in a huge row after she basically said suck it up, deal with it its not about me and DS its about DB, DSIL and DN. Made me feel like a right cunt for trying to prevent a toddler melt down.

The next time was at Christmas, 20 weeks pregnant, had a bleed which ended up in a HUGE row, me crying my eyes out, her walking out. DP wasnt in the area, but obviously he came up and we went to hospital together, this is what my mum wanted, but I had originally asked if she would mind taking me simply because it was easier. I asked if she could drop me there and dp could meet me there (the logistics made sense) and she just went mental. Still to this day cant figure out how the eff that happened.

I love my mum I do, but the way she speaks to me in front of family is humiliating, its a condescending, frowning, reprimanding way that she used to use when I was 15. Again this has started in the last 2-3 years and I dont know why.

Fast forward to todays issue, I have an 11 month old baby who is anaphylactic to milk and eggs, and has various other milder food allergies. Its his birthday next month so we've arranged to have lots of family come over for a BBQ, this is set and happening provided the weather is nice. My older brother and his wife, both of which I adore are having a baby any day now, so there will be a very young baby there. I suddenly thought last night, shit, what if the baby is bottle fed? We have a very strict 'no allergens in the house' rule as this needs to be the only place in the world that is safe for the baby.

I cant expect her to stay outside with the baby all day, what if it gets chilly. What if it hurls everywhere? What if it doesnt all get cleared up and the baby bum suffles through some? What if they heat a bottle up, test in on their arm and drops get on the floor (my friends bottle did this recently, but it was soya milk so didnt matter). I cant expect everyone to be watching out for a hurling baby, I want everyone to relax, I dont want to be paranoid about there being sick/milk somewhere in the house for days after they go. The sick will dry but a drooly wet baby hand would wet and start it up again.

I really dont know wtf to do. If he gets any on him, we have adrenalin shots for him but that means an ambulance and over night stay in hospital, pretty shitty birthday.

She may well breastfeed, but she combine fed her first baby from the off so we cant guarantee that. And right now I need to assume its bottle fed so I can decide how to go about this.

I text my mum and she said 'She'll breastfeed' I text back saying 'But XXX was combine fed from the start' and Ive got nothing back. I know for a fact shes thinking 'Oh heeere we go!' and I just cant be fucked to have her make me feel like a cunt again for protecting my baby.

Sorry this is really long, AIBU here?

I really, really want to see my brother and his family, I dont get to see them enough we live a few hours away from all our family. But I dont want to risk my babys health either.

Another one who doesn't understand why you have to run everything past your mum. Re the birthday party, why didn't you speak to your nephew's parents? Re the milk issue, if you knew the reaction your mum would have, why didn't you speak to your DB/SIL directly? I suspect the reason she speaks to you as though you're a child is because you still have a parent/child relationship, partly caused by you running stuff past her that you should be dealing with yourself. Not nice of her to run you down in public, but you can't change her behaviour - you can only change yours.

Why do you go to our mum to sort these things out, that are YOUR responsibility?

The toddler nap, you should have spoken to the people holding the party, not your mum.
This allergy issue, you need to discuss with the people with the baby concerned, not your mum.
I agree re the bleed, she could have been more helpful but perhaps is getting a bit fed up being your first port of call for every little or major fuss.

How old are you OP if you don't mind me asking? Perhaps your mum thinks you should be standing on your own two feet as an adult more now, than asking her about everything. If I was worried about an allergy situation with my baby, I would naturally be discussing it with DH/DP beforehand, NOT my mum. Why are you so reliant on her?

Sorry just read that back, sounds harsher than I meant. I am close to my mum but she raised me to be quite independent and I turn to DH and friends to discuss worries before her, but maybe that's just our relationship. Do think you need to learn to chill a bit tho!

well most have said what i would have.

now you have read the braodbased reactions, i think you should take stock.
You have obviously had a terrifying time with your baby having this. Speak to sil, and tell her your fears. She should hopefully listen, and you can come up with a feeding idea on the day.

The way your mother acted when you had a bleed was an utter disgrace and she should be ashamed of herself.

For the rest of it, I am afraid you are being utterly unreasonable. Why on earth did you have to call your mum to 'discuss' your 2 yr old nap/meltdown scenario? What did you expect her to do about it? You should have just quietly made a plan yourself to make the best of the situ.

As for the allergies, I do understand that it is very scary but you need to get a grip otherwise you are going to spiral and end up with a very fraught, over anxious life. There are a huge amount of what ifs. All you can do is keep a sharp eye out and be ready with sponge, hot soapy water etc in case of dripping, hurling etc. Rope dh in to keep an eye also. Shouldn't be too hard.

Yep, YABU, and it does sound like you want the world to revolve around your family. Trying to change someone elses birthday party beacause of your childs naptime is seriously UR.

I know what its like to have an allergic child and how worked up you can get, but you need to get over the angst. Just talk to your SIL and tell her you are worried about it. You can ask her to feed in your bedroom or another room, and keep both milk and feeding away from your child. There is going to be milk everywhere in your childs life unless you put him in a bubble, time to start dealing with it sensibly instead of hysterically.

When your mum says "she'll breast feed", does she not mean "she will b-feed exclusively at teh BBQ to avoid probs" rather than "she is exclusively breastfeeding all the time"?.

I don't know how long the BBQ will be but I imagine even if they are combining formula and breast milk, she might well be planning on breast feeding at the BBQ anyway, then they wouldn't have to bring all the stuff?

YWBU regarding the party and the nap. If you are invited to a party you can accept if you are able to attend according to the parameters of the party (e.g. date/time/venue) but decline if not. You can't discuss moving the parameters because everyone else has already been invited etc.

I suspect there might be more to the hospital story so will reserve judgement on that.

YABU re: the allergies. If only in terms of the anxiety you are experiencing yourself. There are a lot of "what if..."s in your scenarios. I think, as lots of other people have said, if you discuss this with your sister, you can establish some milk based ground rules in your house. It is then up to her to decide whether or not to accept or decline your invitation based on the parameters you have set.

Leave your mum out of it!

OP, worst case senario is you sister is bottle feeding her baby. In that case, what do you want to happen at your BBQ?

If it is not too early days in establishing BF, might it be worth asking SIL if she can bring an expressed feed for her new baby assuming she doesn't want to BF when out and about?
Or failing that ask her if she wouldn't mind BFing the baby when they come to you rather than bring formula and explain the reasons for your fears calmly.
Given the severity of your son's allergies and your positive relationship with them, I'm sure you can sort this out calmly.
Your son will be fine and the party will go well. Try and address the things you can influence and accept there's not much you can do about the rest. Your are well-prepared for any emergencies. Even though he's you will be setting your son a really positive example by being positive and helping get the most out of everything despite such serious allergies.

Think you are being way OTT and need to calm down and stop stressing

your mum was totally unreasonable not to take you to hospital (unless there were other factors, but going from what you have written here).

the rest - sorry, but YABU. your 2 year old could have napped at the party, surely? It's what a lot of people do when they need ot be somewhere with a toddler who wants a sleep.

and wrt allergies. I can see why you are worried, but a) it might not happen the way you are anticipating and b) you need to deal with this anxiety. you cannot keep your baby away from all milk/egg forever. I do understand abtu making your house a 'safe' house, but imo you are wrong to do it this way. you, and your baby (as he gets older) need to learn how to deal with these situations.

I have a child with multiple allergies. she is fine to be told 'don't touch/go near X' at family gatherings/when out and about. she is 7, but has severe ASD and limited understanding, yet still I trust her.

you need a plan for what happens if the worst does happen and milk gets spilt - work it out in advance, and go through it until you are happy that you can deal with this eventuality. you cannot expect the whole world to change how they do everythign just for you; you (and your family) are not the only ones with this type of need. it can be really worrying the first time, but you do need ot learn to cope.

Truthfully - you sound like hard work.

You have tried desperately to make all your many obstacle building scenarios reasonable but haven't succeeded.

Whenever someone asks about moving party/occassion times round for their child (whether or not it was about them having a toddler throw down at the party) it comes accross as precious and self absorbed. Because it is.

to make them sound reasonable I meant

YABU I think.

Stop asking your mother for permission and loosen up a bit! I have a close family member who is anaphylactic to eggs but seriously, although it's a pain you have to live your life.

And cringe to you asking for the time of the party to change to suit you. Yep, I'm afraid you do sorta need to suck it up a bit. Cut those apron strings.

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oh dear lord

Speak to your sil directly and stop annoying your mother with details she doesn't want or need to hear. She was wrong about the hospital but you're probably driving her insane, if you want to be respected as an adult then you have to stop expecting her to sort your life out.

OK, I think you've had some pretty clear messages, so let's look at what you can do now. Obviously, you need to talk to your SIL - not your mum (although I think a lot of people do default to 'ask mum' in this sort of family situation).
What solutions can you see that could work. Could she feed in a room the baby rarely goes into (spare room?) or in a room that's easy to clean should there be any spills (bathroom?)? Could she be asked to keep the baby reasonably away from your lo if their baby does turn out to be a 'chucker'? Could your brother be in charge of mopping up any spills immeadiately and thoroughly so you don't need to worry about them? Or do you think the only solution is for her to come for a very short while (30mins) to minimise the risk?

Think through the possible solutions, and where you would feel comfy enough. Then think about them from her pov - discard any that wouldn't work for her (you know her/what she's like)

Just give her a buzz - general pregnancy chat - and then say 'look I suddenly thought last night that we might need to be a bit careful about the BBQ - I really really want you both to be there, but the problem is x and it's making me really worried - I don't want to spend his birthday in hospital; what I need to ensure is y (e.g. no chance baby comes into contact with milk); I've come up with a few ideas - but have you got any other suggestions?" Stress that you want her there, and to feel comfy, but you also need to be able to relax and not worry about allergies.

As others have said, you may need to think about where you could compromise - perhaps a situation that isn't 100% what you want, but is close enough for you to feel safe and her to feel welcome.

I might be stupid but in the case of a dairy allergy why is bottle feeding less safe than breast feeding? If the mum isn't dairy free surely any spit up or milk contains dairy? What if a drop of breast milk gets onto the child's hand or mum's clothes?(If you have said that the mum is vegan then I apologize!)

With regards to the nap.. you were completely unreasonable but with the bleed your mum was really unkind. Did you stay at home for 2+years to accomodate naps? Really? Fyi- a "Normal" parent would have had their child nap at the party venue or adjusted the time of the nap to accomodate the party.

I actually DON'T think you were being U to ask about the timing of the party. a first birthday party, not like your DN will know is it? It wouldn't have mattered if the party was an hour earlier or later.

FWIW, I think you could have said, OK, but I'll give DS an hour's nap, then come over to the party. If that meant you were a little late, so be it. I used to be a bit stressy over nap times too.

WRT the hospital, your mother is unforgivably U. I don't know why anyone would refuse to help in that situation. Even a sodding stranger would give you a life to the frigging hospital! That is something you really need to think about as it indicates a much more deep seated neglect/grudge.

As far as the milk thing, for the very occasion with the bleed/hospital I think you need to STOP involving your DM in anything. I nearly died from a haemorrhage after a MC, her selfishness in this situation was beyond disgusting.

Stop expecting your DM is going to suddenly step up and be a nice parent. She isn't. You are seeking her approval, you won't get it. From here it looks like she resents you.

I understand your fears wrt the milk, but try to plan and nearer the time of the party, have a chat with your SIL and explain the situation with the milk, don't panic, don't flap, it will be OK.

I'm sure your insecurity stems from this behaviour from your mother. You need to isolate yourself from her a little, I don't think she has your best interests at heart.

Sorry. (((hugs)))

YABU, it does sound like it's all about you and yours really.

Except for the weird hospital thing. Which I suspect there is more to?

Can you not have a car seat or whatever handy for naptime? Or is it essential they go down in a darkened silent room in the bed/cot/whatever?

Agree. Sorry. With the exception of the hospital visit, when your mum was being horrible.

Re: the nap. Sheesh. You actually wanted your SIL to rearrange an entire birthday party around your child's current nap time? Really? Really?

Re: the allergy - I do get the stress of this (DD1 has a metabolic disorder not an allergy & gets irreversible brain & liver damage from dairy, so a night in hospital is not the end of the world tbh) but I think you need to stand back a bit. It's hugely stressful and you have put some rules in place and they have probably helped you through the really difficult early months of working out how to manage a condition like this. But tbh the "no dairy in the house" thing has probably helped you more than your DS. It's more about making you feel you are able to protect him and so control the situation.

The thing is, he is going to have to go to school eventually. A big part of protecting him is teaching him to be able to identify and avoid allergens when he gets out in the big wide world. Even if the classroom is dairy-free (and I'm sure school will bust a gut to keep it so), dairy gets everywhere. Cup of tea brought in from the staffroom by a visitor who doesn't know the rules. A biscuit from the weekend left in a coat pocket. School trips. People who send in packed lunches convinced they are dairy free because why would salami contain milk? Or crisps? That's how it is. You have 2 years to teach him not to touch any of these things, and the fact that babies sometimes drink cow-based milk - and sometimes chuck it out again - is part of that job.

Find out from your SIL a couple of days beforehand if the baby will contain cmp on the day, and then plan the logistics of keeping separation between the baby's input/output and your DS. Feeding a room with a washable floor, lots of muzzies put straight in carrier bags. Baby playing on a washable rug with a plastic mat underneath. & most importantly, explaining to your DS. It can be done, definitely.

Im confused about the milk allergy, are you saying your son cant touch milk and egg products?? My son has multiple anaphylactic allergies, including egg and milk, and even he can be in the same room as milk and egg produce.

YABU, speak directly to the SIL, why do you need a third party in this??

I'm interested to know what you were expecting to happen about your dn's birthday party. You can't really have been wanting your dm to ask them to change the time to suit your ds's nap and think you're not going to come across as the world revolving round you?

I think you're overthinking the baby coming though. Most newborns don't throw milk everywhere. I'd phone up Sil and say to her you're being a bit silly worrying about it, could she just make sure that she's careful. Perhaps put a throw over a chair and ask her to feed there. More directly, ask her, if she's ff if you can put the bag with the milk in out of your dc's reach "just in case".

Some children are allergic to milk and fine with bm, I assume you know yours is like that too.