To think Im NOT expecting the world to 'revolve around me and mine'?

[WhiteTrash]

My mum has never said this in so many words, but I know her inside and out and I know this is what she thinks about me when we have family gatherings. It happens nearly every time, 2 short examples once my lovely nephew was having his first birthday and it was at a time that my then 2 year old would have gone down for a nap, I called my mum to discuss it, see if we could come to an arrangement that didnt involve an over tired 2 year old creating in the middle of a party and it ended up in a huge row after she basically said suck it up, deal with it its not about me and DS its about DB, DSIL and DN. Made me feel like a right cunt for trying to prevent a toddler melt down.

The next time was at Christmas, 20 weeks pregnant, had a bleed which ended up in a HUGE row, me crying my eyes out, her walking out. DP wasnt in the area, but obviously he came up and we went to hospital together, this is what my mum wanted, but I had originally asked if she would mind taking me simply because it was easier. I asked if she could drop me there and dp could meet me there (the logistics made sense) and she just went mental. Still to this day cant figure out how the eff that happened.

I love my mum I do, but the way she speaks to me in front of family is humiliating, its a condescending, frowning, reprimanding way that she used to use when I was 15. Again this has started in the last 2-3 years and I dont know why.

Fast forward to todays issue, I have an 11 month old baby who is anaphylactic to milk and eggs, and has various other milder food allergies. Its his birthday next month so we've arranged to have lots of family come over for a BBQ, this is set and happening provided the weather is nice. My older brother and his wife, both of which I adore are having a baby any day now, so there will be a very young baby there. I suddenly thought last night, shit, what if the baby is bottle fed? We have a very strict 'no allergens in the house' rule as this needs to be the only place in the world that is safe for the baby.

I cant expect her to stay outside with the baby all day, what if it gets chilly. What if it hurls everywhere? What if it doesnt all get cleared up and the baby bum suffles through some? What if they heat a bottle up, test in on their arm and drops get on the floor (my friends bottle did this recently, but it was soya milk so didnt matter). I cant expect everyone to be watching out for a hurling baby, I want everyone to relax, I dont want to be paranoid about there being sick/milk somewhere in the house for days after they go. The sick will dry but a drooly wet baby hand would wet and start it up again.

I really dont know wtf to do. If he gets any on him, we have adrenalin shots for him but that means an ambulance and over night stay in hospital, pretty shitty birthday.

She may well breastfeed, but she combine fed her first baby from the off so we cant guarantee that. And right now I need to assume its bottle fed so I can decide how to go about this.

I text my mum and she said 'She'll breastfeed' I text back saying 'But XXX was combine fed from the start' and Ive got nothing back. I know for a fact shes thinking 'Oh heeere we go!' and I just cant be fucked to have her make me feel like a cunt again for protecting my baby.

Sorry this is really long, AIBU here?

I really, really want to see my brother and his family, I dont get to see them enough we live a few hours away from all our family. But I dont want to risk my babys health either.

Don't worry, you have a bit of time to work on how you deal with reactions before your DS is old enough to make the link.

My DS1 (now 8) is anaphylactic to dairy and to be honest the feelings of panic are still there whenever he has a reaction - but I work extremely hard on keeping a calm voice and facial expression as I administer the medication and call an ambulance, then go and have a brief cry and panic in private before putting the calm face and voice back on again for his benefit.

It seems to be working more or less, he's certainly very pragmatic and sensible about the whole thing and doesn't seem particularly anxious about it despite having quite an emotional/sensitive temperament. Frustration at what can't have is much more of a problem than anxiety!

It really is so hard on the parents, but I guess in a way my aim is to take the anxiety on myself so that he doesn't have to and can lead as normal a life as possible.

whitetrash - may I just say how graciously you have reacted to criticism on this thread?

And so, you see, not unreasonable.

I find mumsnet very handy for dumping stressy issues btw!!

OP I am like you. But have learned to only be like that in my head. Those closest to you cannot deal with it and shouldn't have too. Self censorship is a valuable life lesson - my mother (who is great by the way) told me harshly when I was 18 or so that I had to stop she wouldn't put up with it and neither would anyone else. It was harsh but for me was actually really helpful.

Kladd - don't be harsh, the OP has taken this pretty well all things considered.

Eh? What do you mean? I haven't said anything.

Whitetrash:

You need to calm down.

I do understand, I have an 11 month old DD with anaphylactic reactions to dairy.
We do not have a dairy free house.
Friends bring babies over with formula.

You need to be sensible & think what poses a real risk to your son. For example I have deliberately chosen an unusual beaker (& labelled it) for DD, much easier for nursery to spot & less likely to be mixed up with a million other TT ones which every other baby seems to have.

What will happen if you have another child in the future? Will you still be banning dairy from your house then?

It IS hard but your flapping will only make people around you complacent. I am generally very relaxed, this means that when I'm really not happy about the risk something poses to DD people are generally very accommodating. For example other babies being given mini milk lollies (!)!& allowed to toddle around with them at a family BBQ. I asked if they could sit & eat them on a patch of grass away from DD & then wash their hands. Everyone happy!

I just want to add some support as a parent of a child with anaphlylaxis (milk, eggs, nuts, peanuts, sesame etc etc). It does get easier.

You learn to cope with it better as time goes on. You learn what looks like a lesser reaction compared to a more serious one. It's difficult, but you'll get there.

Out home is not allergy free, but we're all very aware and responsible and careful. We went through a phase where we had to call 999 3 times in a few months, but we're now reaction free for a year (he's 4).

Just read the whole thread and am really feeling for you white.
You have taken the replies really well and I hope some of them help.

Do you mind if I ask about breast milk? Would that be a problem if SIL had been drinking dairy?

My friends son used to get a reaction (severe eczema) if she drank dairy, from her breast milk.

Talk to your SIL about your worries. You seem to get on well with her. Given your current state of anxiety surely she would understand?

You do sound at the end of your tether.

MrsDV, it could cause a reaction. The problem with allergies is not knowing how much is needed to react and how bad the reaction could be.

WhiteTrash Glad to see your taking on board all the comments. And you know most of us have been through what your going through now, the not knowing and panicking at every what if.
I've had a thought about this. I used to use a muslin cloth with DS, if your SIL/Bro used one it could be used to catch clean up any spittle. These could be placed into a carrier bag. I also know from the allergy boards that most parents wipe surfaces with baby wipes (cafes,highchairs etc) when they arrive and this seems to work. Perhaps provide some for SIL/Bro use?

nap YWBU
hospital your mother WBU
BBQ you are being very paranoid but it's understandable.

Maybe you shouldn't use your mother as a go between anymore. The pp suggestion that you just never have people round is ridiculous! You can't live like that.
Your sil will be aware of the situation.

Why not set up a specific area for feeding the baby, that your dc won't be allowed in until later. A nice chair in your bedroom perhaps, something that can be cleaned after they go? It might be better anyway if the tiny baby can have a bit of peace and quiet while feeding, however your sil chooses to do it.

It is hard enough having a child with severe allergies, try not to let it alienate you from your nearest and dearest. good luck x

OP you have taken some of the comments on this thread really well so kudos to you for that.

I don't think your request for your mum to leave a bit earlier on party day or if she could drive you to hospital when you had a bleed were unreasonable at all. I think she behaved really badly to be honest.

I don't know much about allergies but I do know what it's like to have a child with a life threatening condition and it can be beyond terrifying. I suspect as time goes on you will gradually be able to relax and deal with it with a bit less stress but I do feel for you. I'm a total stress head by nature and I don't reckon that will change any time soon but I have developed a way to appear as if I am completely in control!

Hope it all starts to get a bit easier for you and...stop asking your mum stuff!!!

I have to agree with toobreathless. DD has a dairy allergy and we have no idea if its anaphalatic or not as we detected it early enough to have been dairy-free before she got any cows milk directly.

People ofetn comment on how laid back I am with her, and how I seem to not take it too seriously. Truth is I'm petrified, but I've had experience of allergies in the past (my brother was anaphalactic to eggs and now prawns, with various other allergies). Our home is NOT dairy-free. Sure, where we can get away with it, we use substitutes, we have four types of 'milk' in our fridge, we only use dairy-free spread (no-one cares which marg we use, so we use dairy-free). Her birthday cake was dairy-free.

But we need to socialise outside the home too. When we go to others houses, I take a dish with me ;) I pop dairy-free choc in my bag to give if the others are having chocolate, I've even resorted to providing snacks for ALL the kids at breastfeeding groups, because at least then I know its safe.

I think me being dairy-free (we're still nursing and CMP comes through my BM to her, so I can't eat dairy either) has helped dramatically. I'm constantly vigilant, but this needs to sit in the background as far as possible. Its not good for you to be constantly panicking/housebound due to these issues.

Its absolutely petriiying having a child with severe allergies, I totally understand, but you need to develop coping strategies to help you out. My brother would only have an anaphalactic reaction when the egg was actually ingested, contact caused severe hives and contact on lips would cause swelling of lips. Is this similar to your LO?

OP, have you got anyone you can speak to about your anxiety? I can only imagine just how much more anxious your DS's allergies have made you and I hope you have got some people you can offload to, as you sound as if you really need someone who can help you put things in perspective and to be there for you when panic strikes. Take care.

OP: When this baby is born, what are you going to do? Not hold it? There could be milk, even a drop on his outfit, or lips, mouth, etc.etc. Not go and visit them?

What if's cause alot of stress...and could cause hardships too.

I know, if I was to rearrange a party so someone could have a nap, I'd be insults, as it isn't about them....

You sound like a right PITA. FGS get over yourself. The only bit i don't get is the bleed, aprt from that yes it all about you/

knowwhen I think it would cause any mother to become a little over-protective if her dc was severely allergic to so many food, particularly ones (like milk) which are associated with young children

Socialising must be a nightmare for her so no wonder she's a bit jittery about people coming round?

OP try to keep things in perspective, but don't berate yourself for being concerned about your DC welfare. Adrenaline shots in the house or not...no-one wants to pit their dc at risk. i really feel for you

I did mention earlier that I never, ever once wanted my brother to re arrange his party. Just wanted to arrange times to go/leave with my mum so he sleot and didnt tantrum.

knowwhenyouvebeenbeaten arent you a doll.

I have to say, it strikes me often when this stuff comes up that clinical levels of anxiety are often described in really perjorative ways:
precious
flapping
"hard work"
"hard going"
over the top
etc

I don't think depression provokes the same reaction for some reason.

OP, you sound like you are having a very anxious time. All of us suffer anxious times in our life, and anxiety is one of the most easily triggered of negative emotions. It is our "old brain", we are hard wired to do it. Certain past experiences, the amount of support you have, your basic personality and the overall level of stress in your life can make anxiety heightened at certain times.

I am always amazed at how negatively it can be commented on, because that really doesn't help anxiety. Most people feel quite out of control and ashamed when their anxiety is very high... even if there are good reasons that it has been triggered. Anxiety is just a feeling, it's not a massive statement about you. I am usually terribly laid back but have had an anxiety disorder diagnosed in pregnancy. You seem to be responding to the experience of having a child with a potentially life-threatening condition in a similar way to how I found myself responding to being pregnant.

Luckily, you can get help. CBT and mindfulness/compassion based therapy can be really useful for releasing these fears and getting on with life.

PMSL @ OP. Bet thats what your family say behind your back about you.

AIBU to think that SIL is an idiot who won't let me bring my NB to BBQ incase it is bottle fed?

Have you seen a child, your child have anaphylatic shock knowwhen?

Yes WhiteTrash is being overly anxious, she has accepted and admitted this and thanked people for helping her see the wood through the trees.

I'm not sure there's any value in telling a parent who's had to inject their child with adrenaline to keep them alive to get over themselves.

I think the party ywbu as if it was about lift you're a grown adult- arrive and leave by your own means your mother just wanted to enjoy her GC's bday! The Bleed issue is either way, your mum should of been sensitive but again she isnt your taxi!

Re current drama- thats exactly what you have made it, why on earth unless you have a problem with SIL would you not speak to her direct? An allergy is serious but surely you have to avoid these things in everyday life? You seem to be living in a bubble what an earth will u do when dc goes to school? If you are concerned make a counter plan- ask SIL to feed baby in one separate place, be diligent in cleaning, that is all you can do.

I appreciate that i will appear harsh... I do appreciate the implication of allergies but you are tying yourself in knots about what ifs without even trying to remedy the situation!

I think yabu and your mum has probably had enough of the damsel act...

Someone has started on the White Lightening a bit early this evening

That sounded harsher than I intended and i cant imagine how scary the allergy issue is but i would imagine people are annoyed by the distinct helplessness you convey..