To think Im NOT expecting the world to 'revolve around me and mine'?

[WhiteTrash]

My mum has never said this in so many words, but I know her inside and out and I know this is what she thinks about me when we have family gatherings. It happens nearly every time, 2 short examples once my lovely nephew was having his first birthday and it was at a time that my then 2 year old would have gone down for a nap, I called my mum to discuss it, see if we could come to an arrangement that didnt involve an over tired 2 year old creating in the middle of a party and it ended up in a huge row after she basically said suck it up, deal with it its not about me and DS its about DB, DSIL and DN. Made me feel like a right cunt for trying to prevent a toddler melt down.

The next time was at Christmas, 20 weeks pregnant, had a bleed which ended up in a HUGE row, me crying my eyes out, her walking out. DP wasnt in the area, but obviously he came up and we went to hospital together, this is what my mum wanted, but I had originally asked if she would mind taking me simply because it was easier. I asked if she could drop me there and dp could meet me there (the logistics made sense) and she just went mental. Still to this day cant figure out how the eff that happened.

I love my mum I do, but the way she speaks to me in front of family is humiliating, its a condescending, frowning, reprimanding way that she used to use when I was 15. Again this has started in the last 2-3 years and I dont know why.

Fast forward to todays issue, I have an 11 month old baby who is anaphylactic to milk and eggs, and has various other milder food allergies. Its his birthday next month so we've arranged to have lots of family come over for a BBQ, this is set and happening provided the weather is nice. My older brother and his wife, both of which I adore are having a baby any day now, so there will be a very young baby there. I suddenly thought last night, shit, what if the baby is bottle fed? We have a very strict 'no allergens in the house' rule as this needs to be the only place in the world that is safe for the baby.

I cant expect her to stay outside with the baby all day, what if it gets chilly. What if it hurls everywhere? What if it doesnt all get cleared up and the baby bum suffles through some? What if they heat a bottle up, test in on their arm and drops get on the floor (my friends bottle did this recently, but it was soya milk so didnt matter). I cant expect everyone to be watching out for a hurling baby, I want everyone to relax, I dont want to be paranoid about there being sick/milk somewhere in the house for days after they go. The sick will dry but a drooly wet baby hand would wet and start it up again.

I really dont know wtf to do. If he gets any on him, we have adrenalin shots for him but that means an ambulance and over night stay in hospital, pretty shitty birthday.

She may well breastfeed, but she combine fed her first baby from the off so we cant guarantee that. And right now I need to assume its bottle fed so I can decide how to go about this.

I text my mum and she said 'She'll breastfeed' I text back saying 'But XXX was combine fed from the start' and Ive got nothing back. I know for a fact shes thinking 'Oh heeere we go!' and I just cant be fucked to have her make me feel like a cunt again for protecting my baby.

Sorry this is really long, AIBU here?

I really, really want to see my brother and his family, I dont get to see them enough we live a few hours away from all our family. But I dont want to risk my babys health either.

youarekidding was that at me not sticking around? Im still reading Im still here, just had to put the kids to bed.

It went a bit crazy though, Im not sure what to say. Thanks for the offers of support I really appreciate it.

For PP who asked about my older sons diet, we're lucky in that he has school dinners so gets milk etc there. And he'll eat allergy stuff on the weekend when we're out. On top of that he has oat milk with calcium and vitamins, daily vitamins and lots of dark green veg/general veg with dinner.

Thank you. I know hpw it goes in AIBU but the helpful posts always far outweigh the not-so-helpful so its always worth taking the rest on the chin. Also, its never a bad thing to see it from the otherside when you cant see woods for the poo inducing anxiety.

has had wine<

red it has antihistamines

Bless you OP. You do sound at the absolute end of your tether. I can completely understand with the panic you feel (even thjough I have no idea at all re allergies).

You have got some great advice on here and you have taken it very well.

Oh Fuck no WhiteTrash Was aimed at knowwhen who came, fired and went. (see posts above). I've been fighting your corner my lovely because I know what it's like to feel drowned by the fear of allergic reactions.

(even if it is before 12!)

Hey OP, rough thread but you came through

With love - you do seem to be at the end of your rope and in a very anxious place. I totally don't blame you for that, but I do think you should try and get some help for yourself. CBT (you can get a referral) would help manage your anxieties and help you develop coping strategies.

If you get your DLA (how's that going?) you can use the money to pay for childcare to allow you to attend, for example.

And do pop over to SN boards where you'll get lots of support.

Back to ya you're kidding. Sorry I didn't stay for a bunfight.

TBF knowwhen your right you didn't. Your comments definately were parallel with someone who intended to start one though. FWIW I have no idea what your intention was with your less than helpful comments - but you bowed out appropriately.

WhiteTrash has conducted herself with upmost dignity on this thread and needs support not condeming - anaphylaxis is a major thing to come to terms with. But we all do in the end.

I think you sound like you have some proper anxiety issues OP and that you ought to see the GP. It is AWFUL worrying the way you do.

Thanks yourekidding. I realised after that you didnt mean me, sorry.

With regards to pp saying that I worry and flap over every little thing, I very much dont! I worry about my son dying yes, do my children see me worry and flap? No. Ive cried when its got stressful, I get a little short with people occasionly when an emergancy has risen and yes I get anxious. But my children definitely do not see me worry and flap over every little thing.

With regards to allergies hes now allergic to a pollen. He had hives on him so big earlier they all joined together and his hands swelled up.

WhiteTrash My DS had that last year when the pollen acid cloud descended. He is not grass pollen allergic (according to RAST) but definatly pollen allergic - and has an eosinophil count reading to prove it. In fact DS gets allergic laryngitis 'tis great but with regular cetirizine it seems under control atm.

Are you a member of anaphylaxis UK? Allergy UK? They should be able to help you, and also your GP.

I work with children, have worked with children with allergies, have carried epi-pens for these children. Until my own son was diagnosed and given an epi-pen I could not understand the fear these parents had. I'm very lucky atm DS goes to a great school who's pastoral care is 2nd to none. They are doing food tasting today - they even rang me just after lunch to confirm what he couldn't have, what there was available and asked if any of the deemed OK foods they wanted him to avoid. I just said any uncooked tomato products - to be safe. And yes when the phone went and they said it was the school my heart stopped - luciky they always start with "DS is fine"

sorry - foods deemed OK he'd be better off avoiding.

God no my GP's are useless. Yourekidding the baby is waking up nlw then its school pick up but I so want to talk to you more about this you sound like just the kind of experienced person I need right now can I PM you tonight?

Yep, course you can.

Are you the new MN queen kidding? Bravo.

I am afraid I have to echo the thoughts of everyone else.

But really, the past isn't the issue, it's over, leave it.

You've got to start thinking about how you're going to cope long term with your son's allergies. You can't live your life fretting the way your OP suggests you may be now, and you will make your son into a neurotic freakshow.

Call your Mum, apologise, say you know you're being excessively fretful and you don't mean to dump on her but you're very frightened and don't know what to do. Tell her that you're going to talk to your GP about getting some support for it - and then do that. She'll feel more disposed towards being helpful and will soften towards you, and you could do with that.

Nobody can live at that rate, you really need to be easier on yourself and find a way to exert appropriate levels of control for day to day living.

I know nobody understands how you feel, this is just my view. I don't mean to be harsh or unkind, but since you asked, I don't think trying to be vague and spare your feeling would help. And I do think you need some proper help right now.

Many 2 year olds can go without a nap but my ones can't. It would be a nightmare and so I'm with you 100% there. Instead of asking mum about putting him down, couldn't you have just put a travel cot up in a bedroom and put him down without asking her? Is there any reason she needs to be involved in the discussion? Do it on the quiet if need be and then tell people after that the bedroom is in use.

She was also out of order to insist on going into hospital with you.

Can you just ignore her when she speaks to you rudely? Don't rise to it and just act like the grown up. Ask her directly if she intended to be rude everytime she says something rude. Be calm and fair, don't get into an argument, just simply avoid her for a good amount of time (days/weeks/months)and if she says anything, explain that you think she is being rude to you and you don't want to spend time with her.

What ever you do don't run anything past her ever. We stopped runnign things past my MIL ages ago after they gave us some really bad advice and it was a great relief. We felt more grown up and less controlled.

About the new baby. Wait til it arrives and just mention the intolerence a few days before. Say you are really looking forward to meeting up and but that you thought you should let them know. It is a very serious allergy but you are going to have to work out how best to live with it.

knowwhen No I'm not and I really don't want to be. Just another mum who has watched her child have an anaphylatic reaction and know the worry that they could die anytime. DS started losing his voice tonight, itching, red welts on his back, sores in his mouth and coughing. I gave him AH but all you can do is pray it gets better not worse. I'm not interested in arguing, but I am going to be empathetic to the OP because I understand.
Allergies are a very emotive subject for those of us dealing with it daily.

Mine too LeQueen. I can understand the first one - it did break guidelines and I knew it I guess the 2nd one related to a deleted post? on new deletion guidelines. My posts do look a little weird now out of context!

Thinks I should hide this thread? How do I do it?

Bravo again.

Ahh shucks I didn't get deleted. chucks a bun at Queen kidding.

Knowwhen you actually sound jealous that youarekidding has the knowledge to share. WTF?I expect she would pefer to not know the ins and outs of caring for a child that could die, just from coming into contact with every day foodstuffs. I actually came onto this thread to say YABU after reading the OP, but as others have said really impressed with the way Whitetrash has accepted everyone's views- even the stupid fucking pricks