To think Im NOT expecting the world to 'revolve around me and mine'?

[WhiteTrash]

My mum has never said this in so many words, but I know her inside and out and I know this is what she thinks about me when we have family gatherings. It happens nearly every time, 2 short examples once my lovely nephew was having his first birthday and it was at a time that my then 2 year old would have gone down for a nap, I called my mum to discuss it, see if we could come to an arrangement that didnt involve an over tired 2 year old creating in the middle of a party and it ended up in a huge row after she basically said suck it up, deal with it its not about me and DS its about DB, DSIL and DN. Made me feel like a right cunt for trying to prevent a toddler melt down.

The next time was at Christmas, 20 weeks pregnant, had a bleed which ended up in a HUGE row, me crying my eyes out, her walking out. DP wasnt in the area, but obviously he came up and we went to hospital together, this is what my mum wanted, but I had originally asked if she would mind taking me simply because it was easier. I asked if she could drop me there and dp could meet me there (the logistics made sense) and she just went mental. Still to this day cant figure out how the eff that happened.

I love my mum I do, but the way she speaks to me in front of family is humiliating, its a condescending, frowning, reprimanding way that she used to use when I was 15. Again this has started in the last 2-3 years and I dont know why.

Fast forward to todays issue, I have an 11 month old baby who is anaphylactic to milk and eggs, and has various other milder food allergies. Its his birthday next month so we've arranged to have lots of family come over for a BBQ, this is set and happening provided the weather is nice. My older brother and his wife, both of which I adore are having a baby any day now, so there will be a very young baby there. I suddenly thought last night, shit, what if the baby is bottle fed? We have a very strict 'no allergens in the house' rule as this needs to be the only place in the world that is safe for the baby.

I cant expect her to stay outside with the baby all day, what if it gets chilly. What if it hurls everywhere? What if it doesnt all get cleared up and the baby bum suffles through some? What if they heat a bottle up, test in on their arm and drops get on the floor (my friends bottle did this recently, but it was soya milk so didnt matter). I cant expect everyone to be watching out for a hurling baby, I want everyone to relax, I dont want to be paranoid about there being sick/milk somewhere in the house for days after they go. The sick will dry but a drooly wet baby hand would wet and start it up again.

I really dont know wtf to do. If he gets any on him, we have adrenalin shots for him but that means an ambulance and over night stay in hospital, pretty shitty birthday.

She may well breastfeed, but she combine fed her first baby from the off so we cant guarantee that. And right now I need to assume its bottle fed so I can decide how to go about this.

I text my mum and she said 'She'll breastfeed' I text back saying 'But XXX was combine fed from the start' and Ive got nothing back. I know for a fact shes thinking 'Oh heeere we go!' and I just cant be fucked to have her make me feel like a cunt again for protecting my baby.

Sorry this is really long, AIBU here?

I really, really want to see my brother and his family, I dont get to see them enough we live a few hours away from all our family. But I dont want to risk my babys health either.

Kladd - don't be harsh, the OP has taken this pretty well all things considered.

I was thinking about peanut allergy, and how people's opinions might differ - but with it being milk for newborn it is different, because it is potentially a question of the baby and parents not coming to the party.

WhiteTrash - why don't you pick up the phone to your SIL, and have a chat with her? I would preface the conversation with some kind of comment about how you know it seems OTT and so on.
But I stand by my point that the problem is that you have been seen to be self-centred with regard to your eldest child, who had no medical or other reason to be the one everything was planned around.

"Are you saying that you don't want you SIL to feed her newborn baby in your house then?"

No not at all, like I said in the question out of interest would people be as relaxed about having peanuts in the house with a child that was allergic to them, as they are saying I should be about the milk. Hope that makes more sense.

Charitygirl, yes 'what if's' occur a lot, they never used to but then I havent seen my baby nearly die before. And that changes you, definitely. Been there, done that, hate the t-shirt. But you have to cope with it somehow, or it starts to define you.

I asked the mums in allergies about the above and they said the same, they have to take their own select, clean toys to places. Or wipe toys down before their child/toddler plays with them. It all sounds very OTT but it really isnt. Its damage limitation. That's not OTT. It's managing it. That's fine. Hard work of course, but fine. What isn't fine is if in a year's time when he's definitely not putting stuff in his mouth, your DS still isn't at the playgroup "just in case".

x-posts, you have admitted PFBness

Nobody needs peanuts. A baby needs milk. If a person actually needed peanuts then yes I would work out how I could safely accomodate that.

the only other thing you can do is not allow anyone into your house.

I understand you were trying to prevent a toddler meltdown at the party but I can also see how it might have appeared to your mum that you were wanting your brother to arrange his child's birthday to suit your child's needs. Perhaps they arranged the party at that time because it was more suited to their sons nap times etc and they wanted to avoid him having a meltdown at his own party. So YWB a bit U but with good intentions.

The hospital, your mum was being VVVVVU to do that to you and I think it's awful that she wouldn't help you.

And I completely understand your worry about the milk but speak to your SIL rather than your Mum. You might have nothing to worry about but she's the best person to speak to about it to find out.

And in future, don't talk to her about things like this. There's no point in using her as a middleman for conversations with other family members when she makes you feel like this. And when you make yourself feel like this. You don't need her 'okay' to talk to your brother and his wife about a situation that might make your child ill. Or about anything else.

I hope you are feeling a bit better and not too upset by the replies now.

Oh blimey no, I wasnt trying to get my brother to re arrange his party! Is that what everyone's been thinking?

No I just wanted to arrange with my mum (probably is, I dont drive, Im learning to now, saves these problems!!) if we could leave 20 minutes early so he could sleep, or let him sleep there and leave a bit late etc etc.

YABU

I have never seen a newborn literally hurl everywhere covering a whole room/floor/one year old.

How on earth are you going to cope when your ds goes to school?

YANBU, milk allergies can be very serious. I think you need to speak to your SIL. How anaphylatic is your DS? If she BF or expressed BF would he react to any milk from her in it? Is he touch anaphylatic or digested? (or both)

Nap, I understand how you feel but think you may have been a little U about that.

Hospital YANBU.

BTW my DS has anaphylaxis so I totally understand the potential seriousness of the situation. You know how hard it is to get some people to understand.

Rinosauraus, school will be fine theres no hurling babies there. Im kidding. My eldest is in recpetion, his understanding of the allergies is great, hes so good about it. Knowing that ds2 will have that understanding at the same age reasurres me. Plus I can always hope he'll grow out of it by then...

Youarekidding. Hes both.... we think. His lips swelled where the yoghurt touched, and the rest of him swelled up because of the ingestion of the yoghurt. Does that sound about right? We were hugely let down by the allergy specialist so we have so many things unanswered. We have a new appointment at a different hospital next month, Im hoping for more then.

Why are you running to your mother with this, is she supposed to step in and fix it for you? You say she's talking to you like a 15 year old and yet you are running to her like a child looking for her yay or nay on these things.

I honestly would not worry about this at the moment as it's still a month away and your new baby niece or nephew has not even been born yet. If SIL breastfed (at least in part) her older DC I think it is reasonable to think that chances are that she will be bf again at this early stage in the new baby's life. A week before the party just give your DBro or SIL a quick call and remind them of your DS's allergies and say it basically means you can't have formula in the house so could SIL bf all feeds while she's here and the last one before they arrive. They will probably agree to this no problem as they won't want to make DS ill.

In the unlikely event that the new baby is entirely bottle fed you would need to decide whether you still want them at the party or whether it is too risky for DS but you really don't need to worry about this until then.

lips can swell for digested reaction as well but because we know lips swelling is often an indication mouth/ throat are/could swell I think it's fair enough your concerned about the risk.

But keep your mum out of it. My mum was a bit about DS allergies until she saw a reaction once. It was a mild one too - just the sudden extreme behaviour change, some hives/ redness of face and a slightly swollen bottom lip. She saw how puriton works and had to admit it clearly was allergy.

OP, you strike me as a 'nervous/worrying' type, if that's not too rude. I suspect you take other people's opinions far too much to heart, because you're a worrier. Is it possible you were worried about ruining your DN's birthday with your child's likely reaction to being overtired, and that caused you to make a bit of a social misstep? I'd imagine that there are other things that are similar in your past, and it will be those - your actions motivated by a desire NOT to cause problems - that have made you seem 'self-centered' or 'likely to cause a drama'.

I'd bet, also, that your mother is a 'coper'. Bad mix.

The thing is that, this time, you aren't being unreassonable to be panicky about this. I think it's easy for people to say that you are, when they haven't seen it. I read the other post you linked to, and I understand that you've had an awful year, and that no parent ever wants to think of their child dying, a possibility you've had staring you in the face too many times in too short a space of time for equanimity now. Dramatic, maybe, but not untrue.

Your scenario of Peanuts/Milk is a valid one, actually. Yes, there's a difference between needed/wanted, but there's no difference in the scenario of allergen free environment and dangerously allergic child. It may be that the way to present this to other's is in this way, because nut allergies are waaaay more widely understood.

Yes, you'll need strategies for coping in the future, and you'll need to be able to present a brave face for your child, but that isn't now. It isn't this issue, this moment.

If I were you, I'd take a breath, then repost in Children's Health with this:

'My 1 year old is severely milk allergic. I'm having a party, and my SIL will have her newborn there. How do I explain to her the risk of milk to my child, and how do I contain that risk in my home?'

Then explain everything you've posted here. Because, yes, you're panicking about 'what if's' but I don't think many of us wouldn't be in your shoes. I know I would.

Good luck!

sorry that sounded harsh 'keep your mu out of it' just meant speak direct to SIL. Explain the concern, explain you know it's unfair to keep a newborn outside and discuss with her management strategies.

I think a fair few of us do realise what it is like to have a child with a potentially fatal condition.

But those of us who have older children also realise how absolutely vital it is to learn to balance those (perfectly justified) fears with the need to maintain a calm family atmosphere and teach our child to feel confident about themselves in the world. And that can only happen if they have parents who deal with their condition in a practical but calm way.

It is precisely because we have been through it that we realise how important it is to get it right. I have watched dd unconscious in hospital when even the doctor didn't think she would wake up. But I have also seen the knife scars on dd's wrist when she has not been able to handle the anxieties of her condition. The very last thing she needs is a mother who adds to those anxieties by projecting fears into the future. She needs a mother who is calmer and more cheerful than the average precisely because her life is scarier. She needs a mother who can teach her to take one day at the time, whilst allowing for the practicalities of an unfortunate condition.

"No I just wanted to arrange with my mum (probably is, I dont drive, Im learning to now, saves these problems!!) if we could leave 20 minutes early so he could sleep, or let him sleep there and leave a bit late etc etc."

you see THAT is not an unreasonable request. with everything else going on tho, i can see why you forgot the option of putting the DC down earlier.

There's a lot of twisting of OP's posts here. There's more to it than PFB, which I don't actually think OP is.

One of my friends has a boy that is allergic to nuts, and she said when she went to enrol him in school there was a kid in the queue with a peanut butter sandwich. She thought she was going to pass out with fear, and this was after 4 years of dealing with the allergy. OP has had a lot less time to deal with it and it's clearly extremely serious.

WhiteTrash, it'll be OK, just take some time, see what's what and talk to your SIL when the time comes, ask for help on the allergy threads here and prepare the environment. You may have to rope your DB into being responsible for helping out with clean up IF it happens.

I understand your fear, but it may be a little irrational at this moment in time. Arm yourself with information and preparations and you will feel more confident.

Stay away from your DM, I think she may be sapping your confidence more than you give her credit for.

And one thing I have learnt is only to feed my own mother the information that she needs.

ginnybag and happyhissy you have no idea how much I really needed to read that. Thank you.

Ginnybag, yes Ive always been an over worrier, I used to suffer with really bad anxiety it probably doesnt read like it, but Im actually loads better than I was. I think Ive been pretty strong through all this. But the way I cope is to think things over and plan, plan plan. I cant sleep at night thinking 'what will be will be' I simply cannot do it. Im not one of those people.

My mum, yes is a coper. Hard as nails.

Another one here with a child with life threatening allergies.

OP, it is scary at first but you have to get used to the fact that you cannot make the world safe. You can minimise risks but ultimately there are always what ifs.

At your DS party, what if another child (not the baby) throws up the second he arrives, all over you and the baby and he's just had a huge glass of milk?
What if a guest holds the baby having just eaten a cheese pannini?

You see where I'm going?

You can make your home a safer place, bt never completely safe. Thinking you can will do neither you nor your DS any favours.

And the absolutley worst thing you can do IMVHO is pass on to your DS a fear of the world. Home = safe. World = not safe. That is far far more debilitating than any allergy.

op your user name isn't good.

glad to have read some good responses about the whys.

Lips swelling =/= definite touch allergy.

You're welcome!

I think growing up with people who 'just cope' causes the tendency to be a worrier, because simple anxieties are never addressed, and when they aren't, they spiral.

I know I (and I can stress over the daftest little things too!) 'cope' much better if I talk everything out to someone, rather than sitting on it. If I can talk, and plan, and run it all through, I seem to 'burn out' the anxiety. But if I can't....

The thing is, I can cope in an emergency. It's when I have time to think that it all goes to hell. Because, things are still possible, even when they're unlikely, and 'but it's unlikely, so stop worrying' just triggers 'yes, but, what if!!! In my head, at least.

If I were you, I'd ring your SIL now, explain you might be worrying too early, but that you are worried and ask if you can have a chat about it. It might not get you anywhere, but at least it's a start.

piratecat what is wrong with my username?

I know I (and I can stress over the daftest little things too!) 'cope' much better if I talk everything out to someone, rather than sitting on it. If I can talk, and plan, and run it all through, I seem to 'burn out' the anxiety. But if I can't....

Yes, I can really relate to this.

I think Im going to leave it with DSIL just now, only because I spoke to my brother yesterday and he said things are afoot so Im going to leave those guys to it, I doubt she needs to think about this crap right now. However, I will definitely be talking to them both nearer the time.

At the end of the day, before I wrote this thread I have to admit I was thinking shit theres no way they can come with their milk in tow, surely people will agree with this?

I didnt think there was any chance of my mind being changed but actually it has, particularly by those who have children with allergies themselves. Im just trying to think now how I come across when their is a reaction, do I panic and pass it on to the kids. I probably do, I nearly cried earlier when I saw the hives come up on DS's wrist. Out of frustration though, thinking wtf is he allergic to this time?!