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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a "no gifts" birthday party invitation is a bit rude?

191 replies

theverysuccessfulone · 17/04/2012 16:57

We were invited to a child's birthday party and the invite states "no gifts, please." AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable with that for a series of reasons?

  • First of all, I don't like to be told what to do like that.
  • I'll feel awkward arriving empty handed (I'll buy a card, but still...).
  • Someone suggested taking a little home made thing - no, thank you, I don't want to spend a whole afternoon crafting something when I can't hardly keep on top of the stuff I already have to do! (and anyway I can't knit or bake or sew or whatever).
  • It passes the idea that they are not interested in whatever you may have to give - it may not be good enough for them (which is a shame for their DC. One interesting thing about gifts is that sometimes people buy stuff you would never buy yourself, or you never even knew existed, and the DC loves it. So it's a way to get to know new things).

I won't make a fuss, I'll just get a card, and hope it's the right thing to do. I wonder if people will ignore it and take gifts just the same, and I'll be the odd one standing out?

OP posts:
theodorakis · 18/04/2012 19:00

can I add that I would rather have a lentil weaver or no gifts or even no party rings party than a thousand pound lavish prom type party for a 6 year old. Been to a Barbie Party on a ship and just wanted to go home and drink gin.

Mother2many · 18/04/2012 19:20

Guess, Canadians are different... (one to add to the list!) Here it's very rare to have all the children invited in a classroom. We always, always open gifts...

Party Day goes:

Kids arrive, free play, then structured game play, hotdogs/pizza, or just cake...gift opening...then play with gifts that were opened...parents arrive...

No gifts does teach them that friendship is more important than the cost of gift they bring.

As for a fiver? Nope... here it's a twenty!!!!

Mother2many · 18/04/2012 19:21

ps. can you imagine 30 kids and $20.00 per card???!!!! Shock

exexe · 18/04/2012 19:21

I do this for dcs. I'm lucky to have a large generous family and dh is an only child so Ils love to spoil the dcs so every birthday they got tonnes of gifts.
As long as a child has a few presents to open on their birthday they're happy.
They're not exactly going to sit there thinking how they had 30 kids at their party and they only got 4/whatever presents.

Noqontrol · 18/04/2012 20:26

Barbie party on a ship theo ? I've never heard of such a thing. Is there a company that offers that for children then? How the other half live. I'd have needed the gin before I got there. And plenty of it.

MerryMarigold · 19/04/2012 09:50

I was brought up opening gifts at parties. I did this at my ds1's party when he was 5, and some of the parents seemed so Hmm and I couldn't understand it! I know my ds1 and he's always delighted so there was no chance of a 'but I don't like it' scenario. I hadn't been to many children's parties and didn't know the 'unwritten rule' not to open gifts. No public displays of anything (even gifts) for the English!

MerryMarigold · 19/04/2012 09:50

Btw, there were only a few children at his birthday and it was in our home, not 30 gifts to open in a big hall. And we did it at the end.

theodorakis · 21/04/2012 12:05

Barbie party on a ship was very depressing. Tiffany bracelet in party bag (which I have decided should be "looked after" by me). I don't really mind how much plastic crap is in my house but the rule is anything I trip over or step on resulting in pain is binned. Amazing how dangerous Lego is when stepped on.

Floggingmolly · 21/04/2012 12:31

You can totally see the parent's point of view. But, unless everyone else does likewise, it'll be fairly dismal for the birthday child to see all his friends inundated with presents at their parties while they get none.
I couldn't do that to my kids, however much I detest the torrent of plastic crap. If you're going to the trouble of throwing a party for your child - let it be about the child, not you.
However, they've laid down the ground rules so you'll have to comply, I suppose.

5madthings · 21/04/2012 13:20

we dont open gift at the party purely as i like to make a list of who got what so i can thank people appropriately, and also as they often get lego and they would only want to open it and then lots of little bits may get lost so its purely practical reasons rather than not wanting a public display!

MerryMarigold · 21/04/2012 20:35

It's not that hard to remember who gave 6 gifts. And if it's lego, you just say, you can play with that one later as there's lots of little bits. Not hard or impractical.

5madthings · 21/04/2012 20:50

er ds4 had 18 people to his party! so no i couldnt remember who got him what had he opened it as his party, as it was there were toys to play with, food, a face painter etc adn then i had to transport all the gifts back home as we hired a hall for his party, it was much easier to leave them wrapped!

when ds3 had a party at home with 6 close friend he DID open his gifts there at the party with his friends there, so its not a blanket ban, it depends on the circumstances and its not just the birthday child that pesters to open lego, all his friends were wanting to open them and play with it as well. as it was i just distracted them but i wasnt prepared to let ds4 open 18 gifts and have bits and pieces here there and everywhere, possibly muddled in with the toys at the party (which belonged to the church we hired the hall from) so it was far easier to say 'open them at home later'.

lovebunny · 21/04/2012 22:46

i think 'no gifts' is a great policy!
when daughter was small, and having parties, gifts were a source of all kinds of unhappiness. maybe you had given X a nice present, and they gave you a rubbish one. maybe one thoughtful gift cost 50p and was loved, but another 50p gift was as horrible as possible so child Y and parents could show they didn't really like you at all.
no gifts also takes some of the pressure off parents. get the child relatively clean and tidy and bring them round for play and snack. you don't bring gifts, we won't give party bags.
not only is it not unreasonable, it should be law!

startail · 21/04/2012 23:06

I confess I'd feel rotten not taking a gift to a birthday party and DD2 just wouldn't do it, she'd put some sweets or money or something in the card.

Certainly see why Mums don't want 30x tat, but my DDs wouldn't see it that way.

However, they don't have lots of relatives so they don't drown in birthday presents like some DC probably do.

GrandmasRedCar · 21/04/2012 23:16

I did this for ds' birthday. My main reason was that I knew some of my fiends attending were really hard up and probably would have made their excuses not to come if they thought everyone was buying gifts. So we had a no gift/tiny gift/donation to charity policy which seemed to work ok.

Mummy2FE · 22/04/2012 11:52

It's not rude- the parents probably in fact think that they are being really considerate for people's finances and having folk go out and buy toys that are not needed!

Send a nice balloon if you feel inclined to send something.

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