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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a "no gifts" birthday party invitation is a bit rude?

191 replies

theverysuccessfulone · 17/04/2012 16:57

We were invited to a child's birthday party and the invite states "no gifts, please." AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable with that for a series of reasons?

  • First of all, I don't like to be told what to do like that.
  • I'll feel awkward arriving empty handed (I'll buy a card, but still...).
  • Someone suggested taking a little home made thing - no, thank you, I don't want to spend a whole afternoon crafting something when I can't hardly keep on top of the stuff I already have to do! (and anyway I can't knit or bake or sew or whatever).
  • It passes the idea that they are not interested in whatever you may have to give - it may not be good enough for them (which is a shame for their DC. One interesting thing about gifts is that sometimes people buy stuff you would never buy yourself, or you never even knew existed, and the DC loves it. So it's a way to get to know new things).

I won't make a fuss, I'll just get a card, and hope it's the right thing to do. I wonder if people will ignore it and take gifts just the same, and I'll be the odd one standing out?

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 17/04/2012 17:27

FWIW I regularly speak to mums at school who have to select which of two invitations they will accept for their children that weekend because they can only afford to get one gift for one kid so they have to choose which child's party they will go to. And it causes all manner of upsets because often they have accepted one invite for the Saturday and then get an invite from a kid they really like for the Sunday and can't go Sad

Because they feel odd about going empty handed. But honestly the kids don't notice the gifts and nor do the birthday children. Please don't feel weird about this OP. I did not get the politics of parties for ages but anything which reduces the transactional nature of children's parties is a good thing. For some it goes like this: 'child A attends child B's party and brings a present. Child A then expects a party bag when he leaves.' Mum of child A and Child B are having to fork out money again so their kid can run around like a muppet for two hours, eat mountains of sugar and then come home with a bag of tat.' And child A will be unable to recollect anything about the party two hours later.

It's daft to put ourselves under such pressure as parents. So I reckon no gifts is a fab policy.

I am immensely more grateful to parents who stay at parties and help out to those who deliver a my little sodding pony to my children.

COCKadoodledooo · 17/04/2012 17:30

I'd rather that than a gift list!

YABU.

usualsuspect · 17/04/2012 17:31

Its nice to know that some parents think that presents bought are a load of tat.

LottieJenkins · 17/04/2012 17:36

I had no gifts for my 40th. I asked for donations to Wilfs school and Winstons Wish who supported us when Wilfs Dad died.

whomovedmychocolate · 17/04/2012 17:40

usualsuspect don't get me wrong kids love the tat but if you go to Sainsburys or whatever and look at 'what is available for about £5' you will find generally it is a little bit shit.

whomovedmychocolate · 17/04/2012 17:41

and I was referring to the party bags as a bag of tat anyway Wink

Tell me I'm wrong on this! Please? If I have to confiscate one more plastic whistle (arrgh) or party poppers (WTF!?) I think I'll scream.

bowerbird · 17/04/2012 17:42

Agree with most YABU.
MrsTerry that's such a brilliant idea re: Loonie and Toonie parties! No fuss, no muss and the possibility of charitable giving.

Do you think it could possibly catch on here? What would we call them? One pound and two pound parties don't have quite the same ring.
MNers? What say you?

whomovedmychocolate · 17/04/2012 17:42

onelittlefish

I give craft kids (little sewing kits or sticker books) something they can take with them when visiting relatives etc. because then I know their parents can always put them away for a rainy day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2012 17:46

bowerbird, the problem is that the UK don't have a cute name for their money! The best one I saw was one where the parents had made a caterpillar head and the kids stuck the Toonies on a board as the segmented body.

BehindLockNumberNine · 17/04/2012 17:46

I think you are taking it too personally..

They are not FORBIDDING you to bring a gift, they are ASKING you not to. There is a world of difference.

Fwiw, I think it is a great idea. My dc are slightly older now but when they were young and had large (ish) parties I found carrying the two black bin liners full of wrapped gifts to the car very distasteful....
We soon stopped large parties and had small parties at home where gifts were opened in front of the giver and a heartfelt personal thank you was said...

usualsuspect · 17/04/2012 17:47

Kids love tat , sorry but worthy donations just make me roll my eyes.

FuntimeFelicity · 17/04/2012 17:48

We thought about doing this for a party ds1 had with his best friend (2 weeks before Christmas) but, like the OP, when we sounded out a couple of parents beforehand they were horrified. Not at being told what to to, but that we were being mean on the children.

We just felt that 60-odd presents (between the 2) in the run-up to Christmas, with loads expected from family, was a bit much. As it was, we left it and had a present mountain which was quite staggering.

But we were in the minority and it wouldn't have crossed my mind that we might have been 'rude' in doing it Hmm.

oooggs · 17/04/2012 17:50

Our twins have just had their 5th birthday party. They invited 18 children and we came home with 3 black sacks of 35 presents (one was joint)

2 duplicates and the rest they loved. I was overwhelmed with the amount but I have put all the crafty stuff away (about half of the presents) to do on rainy days with them etc...

I do dislike party bags and gave instead a wrapped book (which I bought from the book people for £20 for 20 books)

I don't think you can do right for doing wrong when it comes to parties!!!

I send dts with a present each for the birthday child when they go to a party. That is probably wrong as well!! Should I be joining the money together and getting something bigger/better???

MerryMarigold · 17/04/2012 17:52

YABU. This is not rude. I was considering something along these lines for my dc. They get enough from everyone else. A party is a celebration, it doesn't revolve around presents.

Debsbear · 17/04/2012 17:53

I love the Loonie and Toonie party's from Canada! That's a great idea. If you really have a problem with this then why not speak to the parents about it? In the past we've all pooled a few pound each and bought one big pressie from everyone going to the party (who knows each other that is). I'd far rather have a "no present" invite than a "Buy this please" invite.

JustHecate · 17/04/2012 17:53

I don't think it's rude.

I think asking for cash is rude. I think inserting a gift list is rude.

I don't think saying come and celebrate with us, no need for a gift, is at all rude.

MerryMarigold · 17/04/2012 17:54

I know parents who don't want to have a party for their kids because of the present mountain. I love parties! But I hate the way people feel obliged to buy presents.

MerryMarigold · 17/04/2012 17:54

What's a Loonie and Toonie party?

usualsuspect · 17/04/2012 18:00

Mn is a funny old place, I remember a recent thread where every one said tuning up at a party empty handed rude,

usualsuspect · 17/04/2012 18:00

Turning up

madwomanintheattic · 17/04/2012 18:01

Relatives and family friends are different, op. for a start they might actually know the child in question and will choose something the child is interested in, or will have selected their gift based on the child.

The gazillion school parents don't know the child from Adam and resort to whatever the current trend is - which when you end up with teeny tiny threading beads x 30 for a child with cerebral palsy and fine motor problems, is a complete frigging nightmare.

I personally like the invites you get over here. Electronic invites and the child has nominated a charity. Half of the money donated goes to the child to buy a group gift of their choice, and half to the charity. No mess, no hassle, no beads that makes a 7yo girl cry.

PoppyWearer · 17/04/2012 18:03

I don't think it's at all rude to ask for no gifts. We are drowning in cr*p in our house and my DCs really could do without anything new. I asked at the last party for people only to give things like books and craft stuff. The people who gave us the chair and the space hopper didn't listen Grin. They still don't have a "home".

Love the "Loonie & Toonie" idea.

thegreylady · 17/04/2012 18:03

Why not pop some stickers in with the card or get the sort of card that is a little jigsaw or has a colouring picture in it.

madwomanintheattic · 17/04/2012 18:03

Loonie - everyone brings a loonie , toonie, everyone brings a toonie , I assume. But have only seen the charity ones, not been invited to a loonie party. Grin

Chocolategirl3 · 17/04/2012 18:04

I dont think you are being unreasonable, but then again neither are they.

I understand you feel awkward i think i would too tbh as i love to celebrate occassions with gifts and make a fuss.

I would have a word with some of the other parents and see what they were doing, if they like you would prefer to buy a gift then there is no harm in contacting the parents to see if there is anything that the child would like that a few of you were thinking of clubbing together to get.

By doing this you are showing the parents that what the child would receive would not be a duplicated gift or tat and they might be receptive to it.

If they still say no thanks then go with it. No harm done. :)