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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a "no gifts" birthday party invitation is a bit rude?

191 replies

theverysuccessfulone · 17/04/2012 16:57

We were invited to a child's birthday party and the invite states "no gifts, please." AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable with that for a series of reasons?

  • First of all, I don't like to be told what to do like that.
  • I'll feel awkward arriving empty handed (I'll buy a card, but still...).
  • Someone suggested taking a little home made thing - no, thank you, I don't want to spend a whole afternoon crafting something when I can't hardly keep on top of the stuff I already have to do! (and anyway I can't knit or bake or sew or whatever).
  • It passes the idea that they are not interested in whatever you may have to give - it may not be good enough for them (which is a shame for their DC. One interesting thing about gifts is that sometimes people buy stuff you would never buy yourself, or you never even knew existed, and the DC loves it. So it's a way to get to know new things).

I won't make a fuss, I'll just get a card, and hope it's the right thing to do. I wonder if people will ignore it and take gifts just the same, and I'll be the odd one standing out?

OP posts:
PineCones · 17/04/2012 17:06

YABVU.
It's quite the opposite of rude.

Goolash · 17/04/2012 17:07

I don't think it's rude but there's no reason to feel awkward because you're doing as requested. My son was invited to a party where the invite stated no gifts. I made a friendly comment about too many toys and would a book token be appreciated. That was turned down.

They were a lovely family and put on a great party, gave wine and cake to the parents at pick up time. I think they had their principles, about a relatively unmaterialistic life, and lived by them.

Heyyyho · 17/04/2012 17:07

Why on earth do you think it's rude?

eurochick · 17/04/2012 17:07

If you feel really awkward about it, why not take some photos of the child enjoying the party and send a nice one in a frame afterwards as a thank you?

Tizzylizzy · 17/04/2012 17:08

I can see where you are coming from - kinda. I think the hosts are being thoughtful in so much as you're not running round Tesco shoving any old shite into your basket in a last minute panic (I do aim to be thoughtful - honest! But this is the sad truth of our family life). I would just feel worried about turning up empty handed if others have ignored the request.

WilsonFrickett · 17/04/2012 17:08

aquafunf just made me Grin. I'm with her.

MsVestibule · 17/04/2012 17:09

I would be relieved if I received an invitation with this on! The children probably already have loads of tat toys anyway, and they just don't want another couple of hundred £s worth of stuff to find room for.

whomovedmychocolate · 17/04/2012 17:10

I can relate totally to what the parents of the birthday child are saying. Look here's the thing OP, it's like a tax on parties. Every parent spends say £5 on a present (many of which will be identical). The kid doesn't actually need 30 X Hot wheels cars or jigsaws and is being given a party as a treat and that's enough. Maybe the parents are aware some parents are having a tough time and doesn't want them to not be able to come because they can't afford the £5 present. You don't know what the reasoning is but it's not about you.

mamij · 17/04/2012 17:14

YABVU. The host may feel that a party is enough for their DC and don't want guests to 'pamper' their DC with (unwanted) presents. Or maybe they don't want it to be a competition between parents for the biggest, over elaborate toy, or maybe don't want parents to feel pressured into buying a present (it all adds up for every party!), or they just want their DC to just have fun.

Agree that if you feel uncomfortable going empty handed, chocolates, vino or flowers for the host as "thank you" gifts.

NorbertDentressangle · 17/04/2012 17:15

YABU. Its not rude at all.

-birthday child is happy as they have a fun party
-birthday parents happy as they don't have to find space for 20x£5 presents
-guest children are happy as they have fun afternoon at a party with friends
-guest parents are happy as they get a childfree afternoon and don't have to find time to trawl around shops to find a present to give.

Who loses out? Nobody as far as I can see

Roseformeplease · 17/04/2012 17:15

My cousin did this when her daughter had too many toys. However, she said that if anyone did want to bring a gift they should wrap it up, put on the outside the age / sex / etc the toy was for and it would be given to the children's ward at the local hospital. Her daughter, now a teenager, is still proud of the letter of thanks she got from the hospital. YABU as birthdays and parties are not about gifts and plastic rubbish. Maybe the parents are trying to make their child value friendships for their own sake, rather than the rewards they bring.

Mother2many · 17/04/2012 17:15

Their choice I guess.... I'd prob. get my child to make them a card...color a picture for them.... (fold into card after)

A gift list?? WOW... Nope...my kid wouldn't be going there either!

My kids love going and finding a gift for their friend... (not expensive either) because it came from them... it was my children who figured they knew what their buddy liked! Often my DD6 gift will be a craft of some kind.

I am always amazed when the goodie bags are worth WAYYY more than the gift my child brings!!! (makes me think, they think..... I'm cheap! lol)

My goodie item, thingy, I try to be useful. I'll pick up some dollar store travel cups, and when the kids arrive I put their name on it...then they slather stickers on it...and viola. Grin A cup they use ALL through the party.... ETC.ETC.

Mother2many · 17/04/2012 17:16

ps. OP

who cares if your the odd person standing out???

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 17/04/2012 17:16

You, OP, are why I spent chuffing hours trying to think of a way of saying "no gifts, please" for DS's recent birthday that wound up being more "no gifts, please, unless of course you really really want to but if you do then please don't spend much and make it small unless of course you don't want to...". DH looked all Hmm and said "why don't you just say 'no gifts, please?' and I wailed "Because there are people on Mumsnet who think that's RUUUUDE! I've seen threads from them..."

And of course what I ended up with was so wishy-washy that loads of people brought gifts anyway.

I am encouraged by the vast majority opinion here, though, and will just do it DH's way next year.

Original poster
theverysuccessfulone · 17/04/2012 17:18

Wow!

Things I've learnt right now:

1 - It's not about me. Fair enough, it's not. (by the way, I can understand they don't need more crap at home. We don't have room for stuff either but I would never say that to my friends/family. Maybe that's because we are not from the UK, but if I forbade relatives and family friends to buy gifts for DC, there would be an uproar! They would be most offended and would probably buy even more things out of spite)

2 - Most people can't even understand why I thought it was rude, which means probably is only a matter of background and I should just be happy with not having to buy anything.

OP posts:
littleducks · 17/04/2012 17:18

I wanterd to do this for dd's birthday party (reception-whole class invited)but dh wouldnt let me as he thought like it might come across wrong.

About 17/18 children came, all with gifts and I feel so guilty that the money was wasted, dd got given a scooter FGS. About ten gifts were appealing to her, the others just lurk about (like the spare scooter in the shed, hoping someone wants one at some point) or were given unpacked to the charity shop Sad.

usualsuspect · 17/04/2012 17:19

Not rude , sad though, poor kid

Coconutty · 17/04/2012 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AutumnSummers · 17/04/2012 17:19

YABU. No-one "told" you what to do. The invite did say, "No gifts, PLEASE."

Y would BU to go against the wishes of the parents because they make you irrationally uncomfortable.

Original poster
theverysuccessfulone · 17/04/2012 17:21

Elephants, from what I've read here, I think you should just write "no gifts, please" next year. It seems I'm the weird one :)

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 17/04/2012 17:23

Birthdays are all about the presents when you are a child.

oldmum42 · 17/04/2012 17:24

YABU. It's amazing that anyone would think it rude to be asked not bring a gift.

Voidka! I am shocked a child sent invitations with a gift list, now that is v,v rude IMO.

About 10yr ago our DS1+2 moved school and we held a joint big party (birthdays only a few days apart), as an icebreaker to help get to know their new classmates. We were so astounded and horrified by the value of the gifts given, that we went back to our ususal "quiet meal out" family birthdays after that - some gift must have cost £30, most £10+, so not small token gifts (very competitive parenting/gift-giving scene at the new school, we soon discovered).

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 17/04/2012 17:25

I think you are seriously over thinking this.

YABUAP.

onelittlefish · 17/04/2012 17:25

DS just started school and I am feeling in weird position of buying presents for people I hardly know. It is really hard and I always resort to a book because relatively inexpensive and something that will never be wasted. Am I wrong however?

WineOhWhy · 17/04/2012 17:26

Friends of mine sponsors chidren in Africa on behalf of their 3 DC. Birthday party invites say somethng like: Please dont feel you have to buy a gift. If you want to (and dont feel you have to!) you could make a small donation to XX , a [boy/girl] in Africa that I sponsor.