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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think normal mothers wouldn't do this?

244 replies

pinkyp · 15/04/2012 00:42

Was at a party at a play centre today with my ds - other kids were also there that wernt at the party. I found a seat, a mum I know sat next to me, there was a woman with a tiny baby sat at the opposite side to us. The woman started talking to the mum and next min got up walking off leaving the baby. The mum turned to me and said the woman had nipped out for a cig and asked her to watch her 3 week old, she didn't know her. Ten mins later the woman came back then went away for 5 more mins for a drink. Me and the other mum moved when the party had lunch and 2 times when we looked over the baby had been left on her own. The last time we saw her other boy (5) was watching the baby whilst she was having a fag.

Now I'm no perfect mum but to leave a 3 week old baby with a stranger then alone twice and again with a 5 year old watching for a cig is a bit...well shit really?

Baby was in a car seat so could of been taken with the mum, not ideal when smoking but surely better than risk being taken. Or maybe the mum could of not had 4 fags in the space of 1&1/2hrs perhaps just one? You could see the mums back through the window from where we were sat inside so not even looking.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 15/04/2012 01:31

I wouldn't do it and I'm a normal mother. Wink

But you've only got my word for this. My DC would beg to differ...

Birdsgottafly · 15/04/2012 01:48

If the baby was in a pram i would say that there was no danger.

The main worry would be another child falling on the car seat.

Mind you, i'm in my 40's, we left our babies outside and went in the bingoshops.

totallypearshaped · 15/04/2012 02:05

It's a bit cheeky though isn't it - I mean you sort of feel obliged to stay with the baby no matter if you have to go and catch your train, or whatever.

School Mum's do this all the time with me and it really makes me raise my eyebrows Hmm
They just feck off to put money in the car meter, or to the shop for water, and leave their kids (5 and 6yo) in the playground with me, eh, 'looking after' them - sometimes without even asking me to do it. I suppose I look kindly or like an idiot. Thing is they know I only work part time: but often I have to go to collect/ bring my DCs to/from their extra curricular activities, or get groceries.... or just do something other than be the unpaid help.

IMVHO Ciggy Mum's abdicating her responsibility to you and then to a five year old. YANBU to think that that Ciggy mum's a bit of a cheeky mare irresponsible OP.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 15/04/2012 02:20

Mind you, i'm in my 40's, we left our babies outside and went in the bingoshops.

Grin. I remember another poster saying that when everyone had big prams/ pre-supermarkets with wide aisles, it was usual to leave the baby in the pram outside the shop on the logic that "someone might nick my silver cross, but they're not going to nick a baby, are they?" and tbh, that is probably quite logical. There are definitely more petty thieves than child abductors.

kittyandthefontanelles · 15/04/2012 03:09

Child abduction is very rare. But it does happen...of course it happens. YANBU. I would never leave my baby either unattended or in the care of any stranger. And I've got a big pram. How long does it take to smoke a fag? Long enough. Manned exits? Will they stop everyone who leaves and ask for proof of parentage? It could have easily ended very badly.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 15/04/2012 06:40

kitty Firstly, I would be the same as you, BUT we are to a large extent being irrational because the odds of the child being abducted are absolutely minute- far lower than them being killed in a car crash, but I know I still drive DS about and don't consider it dangerous/neglectful.

I think the issue with child abduction is that although the chances are tiny, the possible outcome is so unbelievably awful (I'm thinking Madeline McCann) that you'd go to extreme lengths to prevent that mega-minute possibility.

So, although I wouldnt personally do what the woman in the OP did, she is not necessarily being unreasonable in doing so IMO, except to the extent that it's a bit rude to dump responsibility for your v young baby on AN Other.

ilikecandyandrunning · 15/04/2012 07:15

Yanbu

And it's disgusting that she stinks of gags around such a tiny baby and her love of cigs is obviously more important than anything else. No breastmilk for that baby either eh.

ilikecandyandrunning · 15/04/2012 07:16

fags not gags

AberdeenAgnes · 15/04/2012 07:26

Well I wouldn't do it.

I have no idea if that makes me 'normal' or not.

You do have to take into account here, that once you mention any stranger danger type concerns on MN the debate will be run over by posters falling over themselves to boast about how they never worry about strangers around their children.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/04/2012 07:40

I would definitely do this if I was desperate for a wee.

That's what we're all FOR - to help each other. I've had lots of women do this in coffee shops - it's a hell of a lot easier getting another mum to watch your baby than drag a buggy or lift them out to go for a wee.

Sometimes Mumsnet differs from real life - in real life people go for pees unaccompanied if baby is asleep in a pushchair.

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 15/04/2012 07:42

I wouldn't do it and I'm fairly normal Smile

Proudnscary · 15/04/2012 07:45

mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnb v;lpppppppppp.00

Proudnscary · 15/04/2012 07:48

Omg that was genuinely my cat! Sorry.

I was going to say, there is this vibe on MN that if you display a hint of worry about leaving your baby you are pfb/one of those easily swayed, gullible twats who fall for fake baby snatching stories on Facebook etc.

For me, it's not about the baby being 'snatched', it's instinct merged with a bit of paranoia that stopped me leaving my young baby unattended for any length of time.

Yes sometimes you have to and you make judgements based on the situation, but on the whole I never did it.

helloclitty · 15/04/2012 07:49

YABU
I don't think it's strange at all. I probably wouldn't have done it but her baby wasn't at risk.

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2012 07:55

I don't have too much problem with, in an emergency, asking someone else to keep an eye on my child. I was in a soft play area once when DD did something (can't remember, it will have been of the explosive poo/mega vomit type) and a man in there with his DS offered to keep an eye on my DS while I went and sorted her out. All he had to do was stop him escaping and come and get me if something awful happened, like DS getting injured.
However, I'd only ask in that sort of emergency, and probably wouldn't more than once iyswim. You don't know what the other people's plans are, or whether they're getting annoyed with you asking.

eppa · 15/04/2012 07:55

I don't think you are being unreasonable - I would never leave my child with a stranger. Personally I'd rather take the inconvenicne of taking a buggy into the toilet, not getting a cup of coffee, having a fag etc than put my child at risk.

I also think its unfair to leave strangers with the responsibility for my child and hate it when people do this to me. What if your child had fallen over/needed to go to the toilet etc what would the lady have expected you to do then.

I also don't really understand the attitude that "we are all mums together" - just because someone is a mum that does not mean they are trustworthy or responsible!

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2012 07:57

I do agree that child abduction is rare but that in general you don't leave your children in the care of strangers. But the chances of another parent being a child snatcher surely must be a hell of a lot lower than the population at large?

seeker · 15/04/2012 08:01

Substitute smoking for popping to the loo.

Suddenly seems much mre reasonable, doesn't it?

bejeezus · 15/04/2012 08:11

When I was on the ward after having dc1, the woman from the bed opposite wheeled her baby over in his cot trolley thing so I could watch him whilst she went out for a cig. She was gone 15 minutes!! I really started to worry I'd be taking 2 babies home instead of 1!

Tanith · 15/04/2012 08:13

Welcome to Proudnscary's cat! Good to have a feline take on the situation Grin

I suppose kittens would have needed to be left while looking for food? Does this worry Mother Puss at all?

TheBigJessie · 15/04/2012 08:14

Well, I can see why she wouldn't want to take the baby with her. You're supposed to smoke outside, away from babies and small children, aren't you?

Proudnscary · 15/04/2012 08:17

My cat is sooooo jealous of my laptop Tanith. Every time I'm on MN he sits his big fat arse down on the keyboard - but doesn't usually actually manage to press send! He is a he so no kitten abandoning issue has arisen.

Tanith · 15/04/2012 08:20

I do beg his pardon Smile

Tanith · 15/04/2012 08:22

Mine would disrupt anything for a bit of attention - have you read "the silent miaow"?

Ahem! Hijacking thread - sorry Op!

MadamTwoSwords · 15/04/2012 08:24

WTF is a "normal" mother?

You don't know anything about her. This may have been her first trip out of the house and she grabbed the opportunity to have a couple of minutes away from being glued to her baby.
She may be a single mother with no support and those few minutes helped her sanity.

But no she's not "normal" because she dared to have a fag (I don't smoke btw) and step away from her baby for more than 10 seconds.
Did you speak to her or just sit there judging?